Thursday, December 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Vatican admits “irregularities” were reported with $22,000 in cash found in a desk drawer. Officials are wondering what happened to the other $50,000 that is stashed in most other desks.

The Vatican admits “irregularities” were reported with $22,000 in cash found in a desk drawer. Apparently all the Catholic billionaires just don’t have time for the old way of forgiveness with an Our Father and three Hail Marys.

The Vatican admits “irregularities” were reported with $22,000 in cash found in a desk drawer. Usually it takes a lot more than that to pay off the family of one of the altar boys.

A father and son in New York have been arrested for stealing $40,000 worth of chicken wings from a restaurant they worked at and then selling them on the street. The question is, who in New York would buy any kind of meat from someone on the street?

A father and son in New York have been arrested for stealing $40,000 worth of chicken wings from a restaurant they worked at and then selling them on the street. That represents almost an entire halftime worth of food on a typical NFL Sunday.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. She was chosen for her leadership in dealing with Syrian refugees, the Greek debt crisis and snubbing George W. Bush that time he tried to massage her shoulders.

Data shows that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world, with 70% of the Muslims in the U.S. members of the Democratic Party. The surprising part is that the other 30% must never have heard of Donald Trump.

A study shows that Wal-Mart’s imports from China eliminated as many as 400,000 U.S. jobs. The good news is that it saves American taxpayers from having to provide services for all those workers, especially if the jobs lost would have been at Wal-Mart.

German robots are going to make their first 500 pairs of Adidas running shoes in 2016. Nike has refused to go with automation, saying they are staying committed to providing jobs and an income of nearly a dollar a day to six year old workers all over China.

A Los Angeles home listed for $45 Million boasts a $12,000 coffee maker. It is so expensive because scientists used DNA to clone Joe DiMaggio so that people could have their morning cup brewed by the original Mr. Coffee.

A Los Angeles home listed for $45 Million boasts a $12,000 coffee maker. The reason it is so expensive is that the owner will have to pay the union scale to have their morning coffee personally brewed by Juan Valdez.

A Los Angeles home listed for $45 Million boasts a $12,000 coffee maker. Which is still cheaper than sending the chauffeur in the Rolls-Royce every morning into town to come back with lattes for the entire family from Starbucks.

China’s cyber chief is playing down concerns over the country’s Internet censorship. He says keeping tight controls have kept it so not even one Chinese person has been ripped off by a Nigerian prince.

A Senate investigation started off with doctors and hospitals condemning out of control drug prices from pharmaceutical companies. That will be followed by hearings about the out of control prices charged by doctors and hospitals.

A study says the American middle class has lost 30% of its wealth over the past 15 years. The good news is that it now makes it easier for all the people in the lower class to finally move up.

A study says the American middle class has lost 30% of its wealth over the past 15 years. The news has Wall Street bankers concerned. What is taking them so long to work things so they get the other 70%?

United Airlines says it is bringing back free snacks on its flights. Apparently that is a way to appease passengers for the upcoming hikes in fees for luggage, water and blankets.

United Airlines says it is bringing back free snacks on its flights. The airline is hoping it will make people happier when flying when along with their $8 beer they also get their complimentary peanut.

United Airlines says it is bringing back free snacks on its flights. Airline officials thought it was time to throw a bone to their valued customers. The bad part is that the snack actually consists of the flight attendant throwing passengers a bone.

New York has upheld a $15 an hour minimum wage for fast food workers which will go into place by 2021. That will make it possible for minimum wage workers to pay off most the debt they are accumulating with their current $8 an hour wage sometime by 2052.

GM says it will replace key engine parts that are causing oil leaks that have started fires in some cars. Although the key engine part that really causes all the problems is actually the key when it’s put into the ignition.

GM says it will replace key engine parts that are causing oil leaks that have started fires in some cars. Apparently the part that needs to be replaced is the latch on the cover of the area where the car’s fire extinguisher is kept.

United Airlines says it will offer “no frills” fares starting next year. Which is kind of scary coming from an airline that considers luxuries things like seats, onboard restrooms and trained flight crews.

United Airlines says it will offer “no frills” fares starting next year. Which means passengers will have to be rude to themselves, lose their own luggage and charge themselves outrageous amounts for any snacks they bring onboard.

McDonald’s says its all day breakfasts now make up nearly half their business. Mostly for the typical McDonald’s customer who doesn’t have a job, family or any other reason to get up and eat their first meal before 3:00 in the afternoon.

120 people at a Boston Chipotle restaurant were sickened by norovirus. Or as 120 people made ill by norovirus is called at Carnival Cruise Lines, the Mexican lunch buffet.

Pep Boys has turned down an offer from Bridgestone in favor of being bought by Carl Icahn. Mostly because the company felt at age 79, Icahn is old enough to actually have ever heard of Pep Boys.

American Airlines is offering “Premium Economy” seats on International flights. Premium economy apparently means paying extra for the economy experience of being ignored, suffer delays and be treated like a herd of cattle.

Casino magnate Steve Wynn calmed investors by buying 1 Million shares of his own stock. People were impressed with his promise that his investment would double. Until they found out his strategy was to put all the shares on the Roulette table on “red.”

Airbnb has been picked as the top company to work at in the U.S. Mainly because employees don’t have to pay any rent because they know which homeowners in their area are out of town where they can break in and stay for free.

Facebook says the top topic for 2015 has been the presidential election. If that’s what you want to call people saying how insane Donald Trump is between posting pictures of what they have eaten for breakfast, their latest selfies and videos of all their cats.

A study says that ancient humans slept better than their modern counterparts while getting about 6.4 hours of sleep a night. Mostly because they weren’t distracted all night by using their cellphone to constantly text, send tweets and check their Facebook page.

A study says that sleep habits are linked to the risk of developing diabetes. Especially when the sleep habits consist of waking up several times during the night to raid the refrigerator.

The University of Vermont medical school is offering a course on the science of marijuana. The only problem is getting the students who enroll in the course to graduate in less than twelve years.

A study says that young men may have reduced aerobic fitness if their mothers smoked during pregnancy. The way to tell the boys whose moms smoked the most were when they were given a pacifier and naturally held it between their index and middle fingers.

A report says the U.S. life expectancy has stalled over the past three years at 78 years and nine months. Which may not be a coincidence that Americans’ life span is starting to slip right about the same time McDonald’s started offering around the clock breakfast.

A study says that laziness and lack of sleep can shorten a person’s life span. The first clue a person might be lazy is when they can’t get enough sleep because it’s too much of an effort to walk from the couch to the bedroom.

A study says that laziness and lack of sleep can shorten a person’s life span. The only question is if a person is so lazy they don’t do anything all day, why do they need any sleep in the first place.

A study says that American teenagers exercise only 39 minutes a day. The worst part is that is only the ones whose remote control has broken and they have to actually get up and walk to the TV to change channels.

A study says that American teenagers exercise only 39 minutes a day. Mostly because that is the only time they can spare from the other 23 hours and 21 minutes where they are on their cellphone checking Facebook, tweeting or sending texts.

A survey says that 1 in 5 Americans expects to die in debt. The other 4 think they have a chance to pay off their bills but only if they can actually live to be 110.

Hated pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli has paid $2 Million for a one-of-a-kind album by the Wu-Tang Clan. Shkreli is the one who raised the price of an AIDS drug by more than 5,000%. People think it would be justice if the Wu-Tang Clan would take the real recording out of the sleeve and exchange it with an album from Justin Bieber.

Nick cannon says he is single, celibate and working on himself. Which is pretty much what everyone else does when they are single and celibate.

NCAA President Mark Emmert says members should examine the purpose of having bowl games. To which everyone in the NCAA says they are there for the same reason the NCAA does anything. For the money!

NCAA President Mark Emmert says members should examine the purpose of having bowl games. Although a better question is why do any of the schools still go along with making their student athletes attend classes?

Beijing has issued its first ever red alert for smog which has become so bad that it is visible from space. The only question is why it is a red alert when the air is brown and people’s lips are blue and their lungs are black?

The new Toyota Prius is one of the first vehicles with technology that can talk to other cars. The hard part was modifying models sold in New York, to be able to electronically give the finger and say “What are you looking at?”

An analysis says that two thirds of Tesla Model S car drive trains could fail by 60,000 miles. Chrysler says it will come up with the same information on their cars just as soon as one of them actually makes it to 60,000 miles.

Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook welcomes Muslim users. Although most Muslims only want to sign up just so they can dislike and then defriend Donald Trump.

Samsung says it is eyeing the possibility of making parts for self-driving cars. Which is only fitting considering that self-driving cars have become a necessity from all the traditional cars that were crashed while people were texting on a Samsung phone.

Congress has reportedly reached an agreement for a permanent Internet access tax ban. The next tax relief should be to finally allow a deduction for any money people have ever sent to a Nigerian prince.

A physics professor at UC Irvine says there is an argument that Santa Claus qualifies to be a superhero. Apparently someone is lobbying heavily to find a new Lexus with a bow on it in the driveway on Christmas.

A physics professor at UC Irvine says there is an argument that Santa Claus qualifies to be a superhero. But then it doesn’t take much to impress someone who works at a school whose mascot is an anteater.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am almost done with my Christmas cards. To which any of you out there under 30 are saying “What are Christmas cards?” Those are the things we used to send to people that are far enough away that we only need to communicate with once a year. Fortunately, the Internet has allowed be to be able to communicate with bad jokes around the world on a daily basis. Which means there is no excuse for any of you to wait any longer to make sure to remember to send the love!

No comments: