Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

China is planning to launch satellites to monitor greenhouse gas emissions. Mostly because they can’t do the same thing at ground level since they can’t take any measurements through all the smog covering their cities.

China is planning to launch satellites to monitor greenhouse gas emissions. It’s just a good thing that satellite technology has become advanced enough that from space they can still pick out heavy smog emissions coming from objects as small as a Volkswagen.

Cyber Monday sales were up so much that several retailers’ websites crashed from the traffic. Which serves them right for having their electronic shopping designed by the same people who created the Obamacare website.

A British girl who claimed to have Wi-Fi allergies committed suicide. Which was especially sad since several companies now claim to have an app for that.

George Lucas says he has avoided the Internet for the past 15 years. Mostly because he is 71 years old and is still trying to figure out how to connect using his dial-up modem.

George Lucas says he has avoided the Internet for the past 15 years. So would you if every time you tried to log on you were immediately hit with constant questions from “Star Wars” fans about why Han Solo shot first, why Chewbacca didn’t get a medal and what caused Obi-Wan’s lightsabre to fizzle out?

A “bleeding” communion wafer at a Catholic parish in Utah is being hailed as a miracle. Even though it is nowhere near the bleeding caused by the Church in guilting all their members to keep tithing every year.

A new Bugatti is claiming to be the fastest car in the world, accelerating from zero to 60 mph in 2.3 seconds. Which is not to be confused with the 2.3 seconds a Chrysler will continue to run once it actually is able to make it up to 60 mph.

A new Bugatti is claiming to be the fastest car in the world, accelerating from zero to 60 mph in 2.3 seconds. The only problem is that is the 20 minutes right after that the driver has to wait while the police officer fills out their speeding ticket.

The drop in oil prices is raising fears of social unrest around the world. Which is still better than the unrest that was caused while oil prices were sky high when the U.S. went around invading all the Middle Eastern oil producing countries.

The President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University told politically correct students that it is a college, not a daycare. The way they can tell the difference is that the tuition in daycare doesn’t take 40 years to pay off.

The President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University told politically correct students that it is a college, not a daycare. To which people at other schools are saying it might as well be since the university doesn’t even have a football team to attract really serious students.

The President of UNLV says the school will keep its “Rebels” nickname since its choice had nothing to do with the Confederacy. Everyone knows that in Las Vegas a “rebel” is someone who books their hotel downtown and stays away from the Strip.

Bernie Sanders has taken a break from his campaign for a medical procedure to repair a hernia. People were surprised. They thought if any candidate would develop a hernia it would be Donald Trump for lugging around his haircut all day.

4,000 people in Turkmenistan set a record for the most people singing in the round. Which at least finally answers the question of what is there to do in Turkmenistan?

4,000 people in Turkmenistan set a record for the most people singing in the round. Which means it will now come down to a vote as to which song they will pick for their national anthem, “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” or “Three Blind Mice.”

Detroit police unions are urging the NFL to drop its ban on fans carrying guns at games. To which most Raiders fans are saying “You’re not supposed to carry guns at games?”

Detroit police unions are urging the NFL to drop its ban on fans carrying guns at games. Although the NFL is still working on a way to try to keep the Cincinnati Bengals players from packing while they are on the field.

A UK panel is calling for a 20% tax on sugary drinks. That amount corresponds with the 20% of the teeth in most Brits’ mouths that still haven’t rotted away yet.

The world’s first underwater tennis court is being planned to be built under the Persian Gulf. Which is different than all the tennis courts in Beverly Hills that just happen to be attached to a home where the owners are hopelessly underwater.

Data says that 70% of investors made money in November. The other 30% insisted on hanging into their shares in cable TV, Big Oil and United Airlines.

Research shows that Americans are expected to spend $34.2 Billion on tech this holiday season. Mostly because it is the gift that just keeps on giving, especially for men who will be able to use it to log onto Internet porn sites for the next several years.

Research shows that Americans are expected to spend $34.2 Billion on tech this holiday season. Mostly for gadgets that will enable them to get online and spend even more of their money shopping for worthless junk on Amazon, Wal-Mart.com and eBay.

New York City restaurants are being required to issue warnings for dishes that contain high levels of salt. Mostly so they won’t be confused with the more traditional meals that are made mostly of fat and sugar.

New York City restaurants are being required to issue warnings for dishes that contain high levels of salt. Fortunately, food cart vendors are not being forced to disclose excess levels of salmonella, maggots or rat droppings.

A survey says that fewer offices are planning to hold a staff holiday party. Which is good news for the people who will be keeping their job by not using the occasion to get drunk, tell off the boss and hit on his wife.

A survey says that fewer offices are planning to hold a staff holiday party. Mostly because the employees don’t have the time to go since they are being forced by their bosses to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and all the way through New Year’s.

John Deere says it is laying off 220 workers. Apparently they just aren’t making enough bucks and don’t have the doe to pay all their employees.

A report says the cost of all the gifts in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is up .6% to $34,131. Which just doesn’t impress people as much as it used to, especially when they find out that is about the same cost as a new Honda Accord.

A poll says that satisfaction of personal freedom in Myanmar is growing. Although the people there won’t be completely happy until they actually have enough freedom to be able to get out of Myanmar.

A poll says that satisfaction of personal freedom in Myanmar is growing. Especially when they see at least they don’t live in North Korea, visit Iran or when traveling have to go through any TSA security pat-downs.

A rare watch is expected to set a world’s record for price at an upcoming auction. Apparently the watch is so rare because all watches are since no one under 30 has any idea what they even are.

President Obama and others are linking climate change with public health risks. Which is just a bit different than on the conservative side of the aisle where they deny climate change and say the biggest public health risk is still Obamacare.

Officials say the National Health Survey needs to be trimmed down from its current 1,200 possible questions. Mostly because the biggest health threat for Americans is from sitting down that long just to answer all the questions.

Officials say the National Health Survey needs to be trimmed down from its current 1,200 possible questions. Although the survey probably wouldn’t be needed in the first place if more Americans would be the ones who would decide to try to slim down.

A study says that having severe PMS may be a signal of future health problems for women. Although not as much as for the men who tell them to take a Midol and get over it.

A new mother in Chile says the hospital where she gave birth won’t let her see her daughter because she admitted to smoking pot a few days before. The hospital became suspicious when she asked if she could instead have her baby over at a Krispy Kreme.

A new mother in Chile says the hospital where she gave birth won’t let her see her daughter because she admitted to smoking pot a few days before. They became suspicious when she just giggled through her entire labor which lasted four days.

A study says that wheelchair users face a much bigger risk in traffic. Mostly because they are now an easier target than back when they were on foot and were run over the first time.

Amy Schumer and Serena Williams are among women featured in the 2016 Pirelli calendar. Although it isn’t necessarily flattering to be asked to pose for pictures by a company associated with spare tires.

A fan with an ear disorder was able to meet with Taylor Swift before she lost her hearing. She wanted to be a fan of Justin Bieber but decided it would be a better time for that when she goes completely deaf.

Two “Married At First Sight” stars explained in an interview why they were hitched on the spot. Apparently it had to do with not being creepy enough to get their own reality show like “The Kardashians,” “Honey Boo Boo” or “Duck Dynasty.”

Psy is set to release his first album since “Gangnam Style.” It is already being compared to Adele’s “25” in that is about the number of albums that people are expected to actually buy.

The Miami Marlins are reportedly trying to sign Barry Bonds as a hitting coach. It was his great eye hand coordination that allowed him to hit 762 home runs in a career, 73 in one season and be able to throw a hypodermic needle across the room and hit a buttocks blindfolded.

Tom Brady says he has never been “so visibly pissed” as he was after the Patriots lost to the Broncos. Apparently you just can’t trust those away game equipment managers to deflate the balls to the proper air pressure.

Statistics say that Windows 10 usage in the U.S. is 24% higher than it is over the rest of the world. Mostly because those are the 24% of the people here who can’t tell the difference anyway since they are already using an HP computer on an AOL connection.

Researchers say that melting glaciers on Mt. Everest are making for a higher risk of flooding. Although the good news is that the lakes will allow Michael Phelps to become the first person to swim his way to the summit.

Cyber Monday is being called the biggest ever, with a forecast of $2.98 Billion being spent online. It’s for people who like to get the holiday deals, buy from the comfort of their home and aren’t committed to taking a punch in the face while trying to get a Black Friday half-priced big screen TV out the door in one piece.

AT&T says it is going to hike the price of grandfathered unlimited data plans by $5 next year. Mostly because only grandfathers still think they are actually getting unlimited data through any plan involving AT&T.

AT&T says it is going to hike the price of grandfathered unlimited data plans by $5 next year. The only problem with an unlimited data plan through AT&T is needing the unlimited time it takes to actually make a connection in the first place.

Google’s newly patented technology will be used to help driverless cars talk to pedestrians. At least for cars that are not driving around L.A. that may at some point come across a person who is actually walking somewhere.

Scientists have created a new kind of diamond at room temperature. Which is not to be confused with Neil Diamond who has always pretty much been considered lukewarm.

A “Super Mario Brothers” watch is selling for nearly $19,000 to mark the 30th anniversary of the brothers’ first video game. The irony is that anyone who knows who the Mario Brothers are won’t have enough money to buy the watch because they have spent the past 30 years in their parents’ basement playing Nintendo games.

The Gap says an audit shows they give equal pay for the same work. Which is great news for the men and women who work there who know that anyone else folding clothes mindlessly all day gets the same minimum wage paycheck as they do.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is December 1st, and as some people I know love to say “Can you believe it is December already?” To which I say “Yes I can. mostly because we just got done with November and before that we had October, September and all the other months in the usual order. You’ve had eleven months to prepare for this and you were still caught off guard?” Which is when I duck to avoid any flying objects but I have made my point. Oh, well that means just over three weeks until Christmas and then it’s the New Year. Wow. Can you believe it is already going to be 2016? Just make sure that before you start feeling too old you remember to make sure to send the love!

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