Sunday, November 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that immigrants account for a third of all economic activity in New York City. Mostly the additional salaries for extra police frisks and arrests, bail bonds and deportation.

A report ranks Canada first in the world in personal freedom and social tolerance. The U.S. came in 15th but would have won if the study didn’t include Mississippi, Georgia and Florida.

A report ranks Canada first in the world in personal freedom and social tolerance. Mostly because they were the one country that actually let Randy Quaid live there after he fled from the U.S.

The Vatican admits the cost of canonization can be as much as $700,000. Which means if he isn’t elected President, Donald Trump could instead use his money to start the process of becoming Saint The Donald.

The Vatican admits the cost of canonization can be as much as $700,000. Although anyone who has $700,000 lying around probably wasn’t much of a saint to begin with.

The unemployment rate in the U.S. has dropped to 5%. It would be even lower if a lot of the available work wasn’t taken by people who need two or three jobs to make ends meet.

A massive sexting scandal at a Colorado high school has led to widespread suspensions. Remember the days before cellphones when the only place to see a schoolmate naked was in the back seat of a car at a drive-in movie?

A massive sexting scandal at a Colorado high school has led to widespread suspensions. Which makes people think back to the days when students actually had clothes on for school picture day.

A 180 square foot shack in Palo Alto, California is being listed for $2 Million. Potential buyers just want to know if it comes with the original pay phone attached.

A 180 square foot shack in Palo Alto, California is being listed for $2 Million. It sounds small but it’s not like tech workers in Palo Alto need a low of room say for closet space considering their entire wardrobe is a pair of khaki Dockers and a Polo shirt.

Sweden has told refugees to stay in Germany as Ikea has even run out of beds to sell. Which is ironic as many of the refugees are heading to Sweden because they are the only ones who can help people assemble their Ikea furniture.

A report says that shoplifters steal $13 Billion worth of merchandise a year. Mostly the people at Target, Home Depot and Staples who figure it’s less of a risk than paying for it with a credit card and having their personal information stolen by hackers.

German airline Lufthansa has canceled all their domestic and European flights because of a strike. No one even knew that “Lufthansa” was German for “United.”

A study says that one in three Americans who have gotten an inheritance have blown it. The latest one will be official when Donald Trump goes through all his money and someone else makes it into the White House.

A study says that one in three Americans who have gotten an inheritance have blown it. Those are the ones who spent it on losing propositions like a subprime mortgage, college education and United Airlines stock instead of going out and spending it on vacations, boats and cosmetic surgery.

Nissan has joined Toyota and Honda in dropping Takata airbag inflators. Apparently they are now using bags that come equipped with a straw and instructions to blow really hard right before it looks like they are going to be hit.

A report says the new chip credit cards could slow down holiday shopping checkouts. Especially for the shoppers who take extra time in line trying to memorize the name that is on the stolen credit card they are using.

Firearms manufacturers are competing to sell the Army a new handgun to replace the current M9 model left over from the Cold War. Although in this day and age with battles fought by drones, missiles and aircraft, most soldiers are asking what is a handgun?

Firearms manufacturers are competing to sell the Army a new handgun to replace the current M9 model left over from the Cold War. Although if they want guns that are designed for frequent and deadly use, they should get some advice from the real experts. Rap musicians.

A report says employers are starting to use on site health clinics to save money on health care costs. Mostly because they staff them with doctors who are instructed to tell patients “You’re fine. Now get back to work!”

A report says employers are starting to use on site health clinics to save money on health care costs. It’s also convenient for people who are sick from being overworked and can’t see a doctor because they are at the office 16 hours a day.

Twitter is being criticized for its lack of diversity in the workplace. Twitter defends their staff’s diversity saying that workers are allowed to wear any color of Dockers and Polo shirt they want.

Google is publishing holiday store hours as part of their maps and searches. For instance, Wal-Mart hours are posted for anyone searching for a Black Friday mob brawl.

Google is publishing holiday store hours as part of their maps and searches. Which is pretty much unnecessary anymore as most retailers have decided to just stay open 24/7 from Thanksgiving all the way through Christmas.

United Airlines has opened negotiations with 30,000 union workers promising they won’t do any outsourcing. Which concluded with them firing all 30,000 saying they decided it would be a lot easier to save money by just using scab labor.

A study says that teen obesity surgery lasts for about three years. Apparently the data used was based on the fact that a 17 year old who has the surgery and gains all the weight back in three years is by then no longer a teenager.

A Massachusetts woman gave birth an hour after finding out she was pregnant. Which barely gave her time to do her maternity shopping, organize a baby shower and yell at her husband for doing this to her.

Researchers say that talk therapy is better than light treatment for Seasonal Affectation Disorder. But only when the talking is done over a six pack of Coronas on a Caribbean beach.

A study says that using words associated with high calorie foods can make people eat more. Mostly when the words are “Who wants to go to McDonald’s?”

A study says that Americans with government health care plans are the most satisfied. Especially the government employees and members of Congress who get full coverage and are letting the taxpayers cover the cost.

A study says that Americans with government health care plans are the most satisfied. Mostly because those are the only plans that pay for any claims without arguing with a private insurance company representative over the phone for three solid hours.

A study says that Americans with government health care plans are the most satisfied. And that number could climb even higher once some people are able to get all the way through the website and actually get a policy through Obamacare.

The Kardashians threw a Great Gatsby themed bash for Kris Jenner’s 60th birthday. The only bigger surprise than the party would be finding out that any of the Kardashian women actually ever read “The Great Gatsby.”

Lakers coach Byron Scott says the team didn’t draft Latvian player Kristaps Porzingis because he needed more development. Plus, there could have been a copyright issue over his jerseys and Sheldon’s “Bazinga” catch phrase from “The Big Bang Theory.”

Kobe Bryant says this could be his last year in the NBA. To which most fans were surprised to hear he was still playing this year.

Ben Carson’s ratings are slipping in the wake of questions about some of his claims from his autobiography. If his numbers go down any more he may have to change his campaign slogan to “Dr. Who?”

A British company has reportedly built a robot that sorts fruit and vegetables. Which will come in handy for most Americans who are looking for something that can pull out all the things in the refrigerator that nobody is going to eat.

A Toyota executive says that autonomous cars aren’t as intelligent as having a human in the driver’s seat. Although there haven’t been any reports so far of self-driving cars crashing because they were drunk, speeding or texting behind the wheel.

Mark Zuckerberg says his $100 Million donation to Newark, New Jersey schools has been a success. Mostly for the kids who were able to use the resources to get a college degree which they could use as a way to finally get out of New Jersey.

A survey says that one in four companies have filed a cyber insurance claim. Although some are being investigated as being suspicious, especially the ones who list the company and beneficiary as a Nigerian prince.

A pair of boots worn by Elvis Presley are expected to sell for as much as $37,000 at auction this week. Which will immediately quadruple the value of the mobile home where they will be proudly put on display.

A pair of boots worn by Elvis Presley are expected to sell for as much as $37,000 at auction this week. Which for most people interested in buying them would make the boots the first footwear anyone in the trailer park has ever owned.

The FCC says it can’t force Google and Facebook to stop tracking their users. Which comes as no surprise as the FCC still hasn’t done a thing about the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction back in 2004.

Scientists say that Jupiter may have ejected a gas giant planet from the Solar System 4 Billion years ago. Although astronomers say it is hard to believe there could even be a gas giant bigger than Uranus. (Old, juvenile and predictable. But still always funny!)

Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio has released credit card statements that showed he charged more than $7,000 in personal expenses to the GOP when he was in the Florida State Senate. Mostly because it wasn't until he was a member of the U.S. Senate before he could just have all his personal expenses instead paid for by lobbyists.

The White House is launching a contest to get people to sign up for Obamacare. Which comes just a little too late for the people who after three years are almost done making it all the way through the healthcare.gov website.

Lindsey Graham is telling the other Republican presidential candidates not to complain about the debate questions. Especially the other candidates who unlike himself have actually been chosen to appear in any of the debates.

An Oregon woman won an $8 Million slot machine jackpot at a Washington casino only to be told she wouldn’t get the money because it was a machine malfunction. Apparently the software that was programmed to give out $8 Million after only putting in $100 was supposed to be installed into the printers at the U.S. Treasury.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I survived a Karate tournament over the weekend. Unfortunately for you, so did my fingers which were able to pound out the latest batch of attempted humor. At least this time my daughter and I were both able to leave under our own power without any trips to the ER so we must be getting better. So I will be cranking them out as usual this week, and as always the only thing I ask in return is that once in awhile you remember to take the time to send the love!

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