Friday, November 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Stanford researchers say they are growing their own brain parts in a laboratory. Or as partial brains are called at Stanford, the USC student body.

Experts say that romantic posts on Facebook between couples can hurt a marriage. Especially when the romantic posts are seen by the couples’ spouses.

The Pentagon has hired contractors to develop computer codes that can kill adversaries. Which apparently has something to do with the intended victim’s wife finding out they have an account with Ashley Madison.

A study says that robots could replace 47% of U.S. workers in the next 20 years. At least the other 53% are safe since those are the people who have been out of work since 2007.

Jeb Bush is guaranteeing a win in New Hampshire with poll numbers that are running around 4%. Someone needs to tell Bush that low scores are only good when it comes to golf, darts and cholesterol.

Donald Trump and Ben Carson have been given Secret Service protection on the campaign trail. Apparently it was ordered by President Obama who figures as long as nothing happens to those two the Democrats are a shoo-in to keep the White House.

The DEA says that drug overdoses kill more Americans than car accidents or guns. Although it’s hard to say what the exact cause is when there is road rage with people high on amphetamines who are shooting at each other before crashing their cars.

A study says that people 30 or older are less likely to say they are happy than their parents were. Unless the parents are unhappy because their 30 year old children are still living in their basement.

A study says that people 30 or older are less likely to say they are happy than their parents were. Mostly because unlike their parents, most 30 year olds know they are going to have to be working another 60 years before even thinking of retirement.

A study says the best city to live in the U.S. is Meridian, Idaho. More than likely because criminals, terrorists and most in-laws have no idea there even is a Meridian, Idaho.

A study says that educational opportunities lag for kids in juvenile detention. Mostly because if those kids had any interest in getting an education they wouldn’t be in juvenile detention in the first place.

A study says that educational opportunities lag for kids in juvenile detention. Although the educational opportunities increase dramatically for the other kids once the kids who are constantly disrupting their studies are sent away to juvenile detention.

The New York Attorney General is investigating Exxon Mobil for lying about the risks of climate change. Which is no big deal since they have still gotten away all these years with manipulating prices, starting wars and contaminating the world’s oceans and waterways.

A city councilman in Indiana was reelected even though he has been charged with murder. Fortunately for him, he didn’t do a crime serious enough to get him kicked out of office like cheating on his wife or doing business on his private e-mail account.

LinkedIn held its “Bring your parents to work day” this week. Because there is nothing that makes a parent more proud than seeing their college educated child show them how they can completely take apart, clean and reassemble a Slurpee machine.

LinkedIn held its “Bring your parents to work day” this week. The only bad part is explaining that your parents can’t make it in because they can’t afford to retire and are taking the grandparents in to where they are still working.

A Latino group is offering $5,000 to anyone who disrupts the “Saturday Night Live” show being hosted by Donald Trump. The only thing the group doesn’t understand is that when Trump makes an appearance it is a disruption.

Wells Fargo has agreed to pay $81 Million for failing to notify homeowners in bankruptcy about changes in their mortgage payments. They are just happy they got away with selling the homeowners the subprime loan that caused them to go into bankruptcy in the first place.

The Post Office is bracing itself for an estimated 15.5 Billion pieces of holiday mail. Fortunately they have already delivered all advertising fliers for holiday sales that were sent out when stores started their Christmas promotions back in September.

The Post Office is bracing itself for an estimated 15.5 Billion pieces of holiday mail. Although it wouldn’t be quite so bad except that half of that is the leftover Christmas cards and presents that have been in the system since 2005.

American Airlines says it will honor free and cheap flights to China that were the result of an online error. Which is good news for the people who want to go to China to visit the job they used to have which was outsourced back in 2011.

Adidas says it will help high schools make a switch from mascots and logos that are offensive. Nike says it would help but finds it hard to call someone else out for being offensive while selling $200 pairs of shoes put together by six year old workers in China.

Thanksgiving air travel is expected to be the highest in 8 years with 25.3 Million taking to the skies. Although the number should be lower since it includes the United Airlines travelers still trying to get back home from the holiday trip they booked last year.

Federal Reserve of New York President William Dudley is calling for financial firms on Wall Street to improve their culture of bad behavior. After he and all the bank executives finally stopped laughing he said “And politicians should tell the truth, millionaires should pay all their taxes and people should give their real age on dating sites.”

Federal Reserve of New York President William Dudley is calling for financial firms on Wall Street to improve their culture of bad behavior. After which he said “Oops! That was the speech I was supposed to give back on April 1st.”

Puppets, Twister and the Super Soaker were this year’s selections to the Toy Hall of Fame. To which kids under 12 who have their own iPhone, iPad and Nintendo 3DS are asking “What are toys?”

A study says that junk food is not the leading cause of obesity in the U.S. but the amount of food people consume. Of course, it doesn’t help that what they do happen to eat most the time is pretty much always junk food.

A study says that nearly half of all pregnant women in the U.S. gain too much weight. Which is ironic in that if they had gained enough weight before, they probably wouldn’t have had the chance to get pregnant in the first place.

A study says that brain stimulation may help people lose weight. Which makes sense as the people who are the fattest got that way because their brain has become numbed by sitting on the couch playing video games and eating junk food all day.

A study says that hearing aids may slow the mental decline of the elderly who are hard of hearing. Which surprised many hearing impaired seniors who said “What?”

A study says that hearing aids may slow the mental decline of the elderly who are hard of hearing. Although not using a hearing aid is preferred by seniors who are tired of listening to their grandchildren coming around always asking for money.

Researchers say that tummy tucks cause the most complications of any cosmetic surgery, including infections, blood clots and lung-related problems. Although anyone who has lung issues from a tummy tuck probably got that way in the first place from inhaling all their food.

California voters will decide if porn actors will be required to wear condoms. The good news is that if the measure is passed it will create more jobs in the porn industry which will for the first time need wardrobe consultants.

Trevor Noah was back on the air as host of “The Daily Show” the day after undergoing an emergency appendectomy. He went back to work so fast because he is determined, dedicated and one day in the hospital is all that is covered under the health insurance plans of most people working for basic cable networks.

George Barris, the man who created the Batmobile has died at age 89. The sad news is that he could have lived longer if it weren’t for making the mistake of equipping the Batmobile with Takata airbags.

Justin Bieber says that childhood stardom nearly “destroyed” him. Many people were surprised. Their question was what could they do to help finish the job.

Khloe Kardashian is set to have her own talk show called “Kocktails With Khloe” on the FYI Network. Which is not to be confused with where most people think another Kardashian show belongs over on the WTF Channel.

Khloe Kardashian is set to have her own talk show called “Kocktails With Khloe” on the FYI Network. Apparently it got its name from the previews where viewers were needing at least three mixed drinks to make it through the entire show.

A judge in L.A. has rejected the “Dancing With The Stars” contract for minor Bindi Irwin saying she needs proof her dad Steve Irwin is dead. Although it would have been easier for the judge to void the contract by demanding proof that Bindi Irwin is actually a star.

Eddie Murphy says he is expecting his ninth child. Which means he will have fathered three more people than the number who actually paid to see “Norbit.”

Former wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin says he wants to quarterback the Dallas Cowboys until Tony Romo returns from an injury. The only problem is that NFL officials aren’t sure what penalty to call when a defensive player is hit with a folding chair.

An FAA panel says it is not sure how to regulate drones. To which most people are saying forget about the drones, how about trying to just rein in United, American and Spirit Airlines?

GM’s Opel has developed a cabin perfume system that will make cars smell better. If it works, that could be enough to make Opel the official car of the New York Taxi System.

A British man has been arrested for using Twitter to commit stock fraud. It was the biggest fraud committed online other than what is in every profile that is found on Match.com.

L.A. has installed 100 street lights that double as cell towers. Which comes in handy for people who want to make a call after someone just shot out all the street lights.

Workers have discovered a 19th century burial vault under a New York City park. Researchers are anxious to find out what is inside and will get the chance just as soon as someone can contact Geraldo Rivera.

The Wall Street journal mistakenly captioned a photo of Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley as an “unidentified man.” That designation was supposed to be used for Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee and all the Republicans other than Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which means I get two days to recharge before writing more jokes and you get two days to do something more constructive than actually reading my jokes. I do it because I know you can’t wait to read the latest batch. And because there isn’t much else to do while sitting around on home confinement. Plus it takes my mind off the itching from the ankle bracelet. But just because it’s the weekend doesn’t mean you can’t take a little time off from your activities to remember to make sure to send the love!

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