Thursday, November 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Jeb Bush’s polling numbers have dropped to 4%, prompting his campaign to regroup with a “Jeb can fix it” tour. It’s not helping. Possibly because it’s hard to take a presidential candidate seriously when they borrow their campaign strategy from “Bob the Builder.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says “Immigration without assimilation is an invasion.” The sad part is, we my have had better success if we had adopted that as our military strategy for the war in Iraq.

The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee is offering voice feminization therapy to help students live their gender identities. Apparently they got the idea from that DirecTV commercial featuring “Really-high-voiced Peyton Manning.”

A survey says that working parents feel stressed, tired and rushed. Fortunately they have the working part of their day to help them relax a bit from all the stress, tiredness and rushing caused from being a parent.

Mets GM Sandy Alderson passed out during a news conference Wednesday. Which makes him a good candidate to become a member of the Mets bullpen next season.

A report says that 25% of Chicago 8th graders are proficient in math. To which the Chicago students are saying at least that is nearly half.

A report says that 25% of Chicago 8th graders are proficient in math. The worst part is that the ones who do know math learned it from singing the part of “Sweet Hole Chicago” that goes “one and one is two, six and two is eight...”

California is warning that a 99 year old dam in the northern part of the state could collapse this winter. If the dam breaks, the people living below it could be flooded with as much as three gallons of water.

Mexico’s Supreme Court has opened the door for the legalization of marijuana. The news came as a real shock. Since when has it ever been illegal to smoke pot in Mexico?

Mexico’s Supreme Court has opened the door for the legalization of marijuana. Which is good news for the country, considering their entire economy has pretty much run for the past fifty years off of growing and selling pot.

A truck carrying frozen blood crashed near Oregon. The two men inside the truck were OK, however police say if they had been seriously hurt the company could have been charged with causing injuries in cold blood.

The CEO of AIG told employees they shouldn’t count on a lifetime of working for the company. The worst part is that some of the employees were told they could have a lifetime job but only if they planned on dying sometime in the next three weeks.

The CEO of AIG told employees they shouldn’t count on a lifetime of working for the insurance company. In fact, the only insurance they will be able to count on for the rest of their life is their unemployment insurance.

The President of the Maldives has declared a state of emergency citing a threat to citizens’ safety and national security. Which is otherwise known as living in the Maldives.

The President of the Maldives has declared a state of emergency citing a threat to citizens’ safety and national security. People were surprised. The President is just finding out it is dangerous to live in the Maldives?

A leader in Iran says that the slogan “Death to America” refers to U.S. policies and not the nation. To which U.S. leaders are saying it’s about time we finally got that cleared up and that everything should be pretty good between us now.

A leader in Iran says that the slogan “Death to America” refers to U.S. policies and not the nation. So apparently that whole “Death to America” thing that brought us to the brink of nuclear confrontation was just an interpretation that was lost in the translation.

A report says the U.S. spends twice the amount of money on health care as other countries. Which would be four times the amount if they included the amount of time and money spent by Republicans to overturn Obamacare.

A report says the U.S. spends twice the amount of money on health care as other countries. Not because health care is more expensive here, it’s just that we need it because of how much we eat, drink and smoke.

Michael Kors says an increase in small handbags has driven the sales of their larger handbags down. Mostly because after paying for a Michael Kors handbag, most women only need a smaller bag to carry around the money they have left.

Kraft Heinz says it is closing seven plants and cutting 2,600 jobs. The ironic part is that the move will drive their sales up from all the laid off employees who will have to start feeding their families a diet of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

“The Daily Show” host Trevor Noah underwent an emergency appendectomy this week. The show’s sagging ratings were explained by his not understanding that for the sake of comedy,  surgery on the appendix is nowhere near as funny as having something done with the spleen.

The federal government says it is cracking down on illegal debt collectors. Mostly because companies that use ruthless, aggressive and unlawful methods of collecting are starting to move in on the territory of the IRS.

Dating app Tinder says that a new release will boost users’ matches by 30%. It will also increase by 50% or more the number of users’ STDs, divorces and child support payments.

Pepsi is rolling out a new line of soda called “1893.” It’s name comes from the year the original Pepsi was created and because anyone drinking enough of the sugary soda will have teeth that look like they are using dental hygiene methods from the 19th century.

A report says that smartphones will soon be able to be used to control sex toys. Which means that people will have to be careful when they tell someone to set their phones to “vibrate.”

Researchers say that volunteering may help people live longer and better. Plus it gives them something to do besides of sitting around in the house all day during the months they have off while looking for a job.

A study says that some people’s brains are hardwired to be sexist. Those people are called “men.”

Justin Bieber says that he still loves Selena Gomez. Apparently their relationship broke off when she accused him of giving her cooties.

The “Honey Boo Boo” family is reportedly going to make a comeback on TV. It’s going to pick up right where they left off, giving the viewers the same sensation as watching an episode of “Cops” while eating at a Waffle House before going back to the trailer.

The “Honey Boo Boo” family is reportedly going to make a comeback on TV. Apparently it will be for the discriminating viewer who feels that “Duck Dynasty” and “The Kardashians” have sold out and are pandering to more a more intellectual crowd.

Netflix and Dreamworks have come up with videos to help parents get to bed sooner. Which means they are a compilation of episodes of all the kids’s shows available on PBS.

J.K. Rowling says she is working on a new children’s book. Apparently she feels empty and unfulfilled going more than a few weeks without having a book on the bestseller list, selling the next movie rights and collecting billions of dollars in royalties.

Phil Mickelson has reportedly parted ways with swing coach Butch Harmon. Which should send out some warning signals to his family and friends as leaving Harmon was the last thing Tiger Woods did before his SUV crashing, 15 mistress midlife crisis.

Trainer Freddy Roach says that Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao will fight again. Boxing fans were confused. Their first meeting in the ring was considered a fight?

The San Diego Padres’ Petco Park has been turned into a nine hole golf course for the next few days. Golf is a natural for the location as Padres’ fans are used to rooting for the team that usually ends up with the low score.

The San Diego Padres’ Petco Park has been turned into a nine hole golf course for the next few days. It isn’t known why the idea was put off until November as the park is usually vacant right around the beginning of October.

A breathalyzer company says the Bills, Lions and Eagles have the drunkest fans in the NFL. Mostly from the depression that comes from trying to root for the Bills, Lions and Eagles.

A breathalyzer company says the Bills, Lions and Eagles have the drunkest fans in the NFL. Mostly because the teams’ fans have to live in Buffalo, Detroit and Philadelphia.

A breathalyzer company says the Bills, Lions and Eagles have the drunkest fans in the NFL. Mostly because Raiders fans have to stay sober so they can take quick and evasive action when the gun shots start to ring out.

A breathalyzer company says the Bills, Lions and Eagles have the drunkest fans in the NFL. The news was not taken well. For one thing, Chicago Bears fans demanded an immediate recount.

Several law professors say the Washington Redskins should be legally allowed to keep their name. If they lose their trademark protection then what’s next, atheists trying to get a name change for the New Orleans Saints?

A report says the New England Patriots have won 19 of their last 25 coin tosses. Which is the last time the other teams allow Tom Brady to flip with his own coin.

A report says the New England Patriots have won 19 of their last 25 coin tosses. Apparently the other teams need to send out captains who are a little smarter and don’t fall for the old “Heads we win, tails you lose” trick.

A report says that nearly all the presidential candidates’ websites are easy to hack into. Which really isn’t that big of a deal since what would be the point of actually trying to hack into one of their websites in the first place?

A report says that nearly all the presidential candidates’ websites are easy to hack into. Which means that maybe Hillary Clinton was really on to something when she went with that whole private e-mail server thing.

A report says that nearly all the presidential candidates’ websites are easy to hack into. Ben Carson’s is supposedly the most secure, mostly because no one could hack into it and write anything more bizarre than what he already has posted for his policies.

Sprint’s Chairman says the company’s upcoming layoffs will be “in the thousands.” Which surprised all of the people who have ever tried to call customer support and have trouble believing the company has more than three or four employees.

Facebook says it has topped 1.5 Billion monthly users. The good news is that there are still 5.5 Billion people on the planet who don’t feel the need to post pictures of every meal they have ever eaten.

NASA says it is recruiting new astronauts for flights that could take them to the International Space Station, the Moon and possibly even Mars. Although that last part has a lot of people reconsidering signing up after sitting through the film “The Martian.”

NASA says it is recruiting new astronauts for flights that could take them to the International Space Station, the Moon and possibly even Mars. Candidates are immediately dropped for fitness and intelligence reasons when they know less about the geological makeup of the surface of Mars than they do the ingredients in a Mars bar.

Facebook says it averages 8 Billion daily video views. The news came as a shock to many. There are that many people who will watch videos that don’t feature anyone who is naked?

Facebook says it averages 8 Billion daily video views. As many as 37 of those videos have subject matter that doesn’t feature a cat playing the piano or a hamster eating a cracker.

A proposed new supersonic airliner would reportedly be able to fly from London to New York in 30 minutes. And with traffic around JFK, it would take passengers as little as another four hours to actually get to their hotel.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So Facebook has 1.5 Billion monthly users. Big deal. Just wait until I make my goal of 7 Billion DAILY readers. Then people will be saying “Mark Zuckerwho?” All I need to make my plan a reality besides writing some better jokes is to have all of you tell one person today, and then double that amount each day over the next couple of months and we will be there. It’s that easy. In the meantime, until we really get the idea into motion you can just go ahead and keep doing that thing where you remember to always send the love!

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