Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A survey says that teenagers spend more time on media than they do on sleep. To which most teens are saying if they need more sleep, that’s why they have class time.

A survey says that teenagers spend more time on media than they do on sleep. Although it wouldn’t be a big deal if they could just figure out how to spend more time on their phones and tablets than they do eating.

A poll says that Americans are becoming less religious. Apparently it has something to do with people seeing the prayers of Cubs fans fall on deaf ears for the past 107 years.

A survey shows that people are posting less often on Facebook and instead tend to lurk or “like” others’ posts. People would post more but there is only so much time in the day to make their own cat videos.

Economists are warning that global warming is resulting in people having less sex. Mostly because there is nothing that kills a romantic mood more than when one of the people shifts the conversation topic to climate change.

A study says that presidential elections are becoming less partisan. Mostly because all the real fighting anymore is between the candidates who are in the same political party.

A report says the House of Representatives is planning on taking a huge break from July 15th to September 6th next year. Which is a good thing as being gone for nearly two months means there will be a sixth of our money they won’t have time to spend.

A report says the House of Representatives is planning on taking a huge break from July 15th to September 6th next year and will work a total of 111 days. Apparently they can justify the shortened work schedule because of all the extra time added to the calendar as 2016 is a leap year.

The Census Bureau says there are more than 350 languages spoken by people living in the U.S. Mostly by those who have gotten a job as a phone consultant for tech support.

An artist in the UK says he will attempt to live without a digital footprint by avoiding all technology. Or as that is called in the U.S., being over 80 years old and signing on with AOL.

Nigeria says it will start to buy and sell oil directly which will cut out the middleman. Which they will find out is what most countries have said right around the time the U.S. military invasion starts.

The famed 300 year old Trevi Fountain in Rome has reopened after a major restoration. People are coming from all over, especially those who live in California who have never had the experience of actually seeing water flowing.

A study says that 60% of Americans are taking prescription drugs. And that nearly 10% of those people actually got them with a prescription.

A study says that 60% of Americans are taking prescription drugs. The other 40% don’t feel the need to be sedated as they are not regular viewers of Fox News.

A study says that 60% of Americans are taking prescription drugs. Mostly antidepressants to help people cope with not having health insurance who can’t get the other medications they need.

Ahmed Chalabi, who was responsible for much of the false intelligence that got us to invade Iraq has died at 71. The U.S. wont send a representative to his funeral because they are worried that when we arrive we will find out he is also lying about being dead.

A tropical storm brought the Middle Eastern country of Yemen more than its yearly normal rainfall in one day. Or as California calls a year’s worth of accumulation in the rain gauges, a quarter inch of dust and three spider webs.

U.S. auto regulators hit Takata with up to $200 Million in fines over their defective airbags that didn’t inflate properly. The company says their biggest mistake was putting Tom Brady in charge of quality control.

Colorado is voting on a possible taxpayer refund of $66 Million in revenue from legalized marijuana. Which could result in an economic uptick, especially for the owners of pizzerias, bakeries and doughnut shops.

A survey says that 63% of shoppers prefer paper coupons to digital. Especially the ones who are still looking for a coupon that will save them enough money so they can actually buy a smartphone or tablet to use for digital coupons in the first place.

A study says an increasing number of Millennials age 18-34 are living with housemates. Mostly because they enjoy having someone else around after living all those years along in their parents’ basement.

Government data says that liberal arts graduates make less money than students with more specific degrees. To which liberal arts students can still show their parents it could have been worse. At least they didn’t waste their money on a philosophy degree.

U.S. automakers say this could be a record year for sales. They credit the improving economy, lower gas prices and all the people who need another new car because they bought a Chrysler last year.

The IRS says that individual audits are at an 11 year low. Mostly because of all the people who haven’t been able to find a job and actually have any income since 2004.

Guinness says it will stop using fish bladders in making its beer. Which is ironic in that the fish were giving up their bladders so the people drinking Guinness could ruin theirs.

A study says that people who drink soft drinks regularly have a higher risk of dying from heart failure. Especially the ones who drink soda to wash down the three Big Macs and large order of fries they have every day for lunch.

A study says that better eating habits have saved 1 Million American lives. Scientists were shocked. There were a million Americans who developed healthy eating habits?

A survey says that many Americans download health apps and then ignore them. Mostly because they are much easier to ignore than the treadmill, weight set and stationary bike that are gathering dust in their garage.

A study says a child’s weight and physical activity levels can affect their learning skills. Which could change if they would ever put down the snacks and video game console and actually pick up a book once in awhile.

Danica Patrick has been fined $50,000 along with 25 driver points by NASCAR for retaliation on another driver. Most other drivers were surprised by the action. They couldn’t believe Patrick was actually able to catch up to another driver to be able to cause a crash.

The Washington Redskins are appealing their canceled trademark protection saying there are other products with offensive names. Most notable are all the trademarks owned by the entire Kardashian family.

The Washington Redskins are appealing their canceled trademark protection saying there are other products with offensive names. In fact, Washington used to be the home of a baseball team that was named after one of the most notorious organizations in the country. The Senators.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says all cars will be self-driving in the next 20 years. The bad news is the economy could be devastated with all the lost jobs from police traffic patrols, ambulance drivers and paramedics and auto body repair shops.

Intel has built a house for Millennials that is only 210 square feet. Researchers picked that size because it is represents the average size of the basement the Millennials have been living in the past ten years.

Intel has built a house for Millennials that is only 210 square feet. Which seems luxurious at least to the people at Intel who designed it as that is about ten times the size of the average Intel work cubicle.

Groupon has replaced their CEO after the company had a difficult quarter. The only problem for the new chief executive is that he will only make half what the former CEO made as the board went online and found a 50% off coupon.

The U.S. has unveiled a plan to deal with the negative effects of solar flares and other types of “space weather.” Although some people are questioning the part of the plan that calls for Al Roker to do his forecasts from the International Space Station.

A poll says that most Americans know the climate is changing but are not worried about the effects. That will change when it gets warm enough where they live to attract Canadian tourists who walk around in nothing but their Speedos.

A poll says that most Americans know the climate is changing but are not worried about the effects. Although they might change their minds when instead of squirrels they have to start chasing away polar bears from eating out of their bird feeders.

A poll says that most Americans know the climate is changing but are not worried about the effects. At least until the point where it is bad enough to where Al Gore feels the need to make another comeback.

Google has given $2.35 Million to groups fighting for racial justice. Mostly to help minorities who need help to stop being discriminated against by companies that hire only white people like Google.

Rand Paul says that Washington, D.C. is “too wimpy” to fix Social Security. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have some sort of high profile job in that town where he could have some influence in doing something about the problems he is complaining about.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans are angry at the political system. The other three are hopeful that by continuing to not vote and making sure the same people get sent back to Washington every year that something may eventually change.

A probe says the security layer with the TSA at U.S. airports is “simply missing.” Although most travelers through airports grimace when someone uses the word “probe” when talking about the TSA.

A probe says the security layer with the TSA at U.S. airports is “simply missing.” Mostly because TSA agents are too busy making people take off their shoes, seeing how much change they put in the tray and looking at naked scanner pictures to actually look for things like guns and bombs.

A film critic for Variety is calling for more diversity in the new “Peanuts” movie. To which 20th Century Fox says they will get right on so that their next movie in the series also features cashews, walnuts and pecans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The jokes keep coming from me. Now all you need to do to keep up your part of the bargain is to make sure to remember to keep sending the love. And to be more careful the next time you sit down to make a bargain.

No comments: