Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Some Los Angeles theaters are banning costume wearing to the new “Star Wars” film. To which “Star Wars” fans showing up dressed as Jedi warriors, Stormtroopers or carrying lightsabers are saying “What costumes?"

A study says that the death rate for middle aged white Americans aged 45-54 is rising. Which means at this rate if you are white, real middle age will start when you turn 17.

A study says that the death rate for middle aged white Americans aged 45-54 is rising, mostly from misuse of drugs and alcohol, availability of painkillers and financial stresses. Mostly from people who are worrying about dying young from losing their health insurance.

A report says the U.S. has overtaken the Caymans and Singapore as a haven for assets of the super-rich. Mostly because anyone who has any assets to hide is now considered super-rich in the U.S.

A report says the U.S. has overtaken the Caymans and Singapore as a haven for assets of the super-rich. Which is different from all the Americans who have all their assets out in the open while they push them around in a shopping cart.

Experts are saying that dating apps are the cause in a worldwide increase in STDs. No one even knew that Paris Hilton was back on the market.

A Missouri death row inmate is asking the Supreme Court to spare his life, saying that lethal injections may trigger severe pain. To which death penalty advocates are saying just wait a few minutes and they also act as the cure.

A Missouri death row inmate is asking the Supreme Court to spare his life, saying that lethal injections may trigger severe pain. Oh, and they also kill you.

Research psychologists say that children are pampered by their parents so much that they have no idea how to work towards their own goals. You could tell where the research paper was going when it started out with “Back in my day...”

Recent storms sent two million gallons of sewage into the Houston water system. Which at least helped them toward they goal of one day making their air quality as clean as their water.

A woman was finally rescued after being trapped in a refrigerator in a UK Subway restaurant for more than eight hours. Which she said was still a better experience than participating in a personal appearance along with Jared Fogle.

Harvard law professor Lawrence Lessig has dropped out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. Apparently he knew it was over when even Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb were asking “Who’s Lawrence Lessig?”

A government watchdog says the U.S. military wasted $43 Million on a natural gas filling station in Afghanistan. To which the military says they actually saved money because any other projects they had planned would have cost at least twelve times that much.

Google says it is looking at delivery by drones as early as 2017. Which will be great for customers as long as they don’t try to order anything marked “fragile.”

Volkswagen is being accused of cheating on diesel auto emissions on some of their Porsche models. Which should be considered cheating by just having the idea of sticking a diesel engine inside a vehicle and still calling it a Porsche.

Best Buy says it will try out one day delivery in the San Francisco area. Which would be about three times faster than the amount of time it takes to go into a Best Buy store and actually get someone to help you.

Amazon says it is increasing the amount of paid maternity leave for new mothers to 20 weeks. Which will be nice so they can use the time to look for another job that actually pays them enough to be able to raise a family.

A report says that Egypt lacks the cash it needs to mount an economic comeback. Mostly because most people are on to the way they have been making most of their money lately through a series of Pyramid schemes.

A report says that credit reporting companies are using posts on social media to adjust people’s credit scores. Mostly because they figure anyone who actually has a job isn’t sitting around posting cat videos on Facebook all day.

K-Mart is bringing back their Bluelight Special which offers deals for 15 minutes. Which is not to be confused with the Bluelight special when people try to get too much of a discount and the blue lights are on top of the police cars they are being taken away in.


An outbreak of E. coli bacteria has closed down several Chipotle restaurants in the northwest. It’s the third such incident at Chipotle this year, to which Taco Bell says they are thinking of suing for them trying to steal their business model.

The average daily spending by Americans is $92, up from the $88 in September. Which can only mean one thing, that the cost of doughnuts, pizza and soft drinks must all had a price increase.

Studies show that parents having talks about sex with their children actually works. Mostly because the idea of sex completely turns the kids off when they think about their parents having it.

Studies show that parents having talks about sex with their children actually works. At least a lot better than when the talk comes from a middle aged may on Myspace.com.

 

A study says that restaurants care about calorie counting while it is not an issue for diners. Mostly because restaurants know that if they keep the calories down just a bit they can put off having to steel reinforce the chairs their customers are sitting on.

A study says that worrying helps people who are waiting on test results. Which is not so much of an issue for the people who prepared for the test by studying, praying or figuring out how to cheat.

A study says that toddlers and preschoolers are already pros when it comes to handling smartphones and tablets. The only problem is the increasing number of injuries reported from kids crashing because they are texting while riding their Big Wheels.

A study says that toddlers and preschoolers are already pros when it comes to handling smartphones and tablets. Mostly from constantly having to show their parents how to text, watch videos and download apps.

A study says that people with the biggest variety of foods in their diet have the worst health. Especially when the variety is the kinds topping on their pizzas, filling in their doughnuts and different flavors of ice cream.

Men in New York City are reportedly using Botox injections which cost between $750 and $2,500 a treatment to help them perspire less during meetings. Although they don’t really start to sweat until they find out the injections aren’t covered by their health plan.

A survey says that 90% of Americans value mental and physical health equally. Especially when they develop depression and other mental health problems from dealing with their insurance company about the bills from their physical health issues.

A survey says that 90% of Americans value mental and physical health equally. Mostly from the mental health problems caused when they look in the mirror and see all the physical health problems they have developed.

A study says that fast food commercials that show the toys that are being given away with meals causes children to ask to eat at those restaurants. The worst part is when the toy being given away actually has more nutrition than what they serve the kids.

Justin Bieber’s cleanup work at an L.A. homeless shelter caused a judge to take him off probation for vandalizing a neighbor’s house in his gated community with eggs. Although a lot of people were hoping the judge would have made him a resident at a whole different kind of gated community.

Justin Bieber’s cleanup work at an L.A. homeless shelter caused a judge to take him off probation for vandalizing a neighbor’s house in his gated community with eggs. Apparently Bieber got the message by cleaning up the homeless shelter, especially when he had to sweep up the section occupied by the Backstreet Boys.

Mark Wahlberg is set to star in “The Six Billion Dollar Man” in 2017. It’s a takeoff of the 1970s TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man” about a test pilot who crashes and is rebuilt with bionic parts. If nothing else, it shows how the cost of health care for servicemen has gone up a thousand times what it was just 40 years ago.

Mark Wahlberg is set to star in “The Six Billion Dollar Man” in 2017. Which will either be a remake of a ‘70s TV show or a documentary about what Donald Trump will be doing with his spare time after spending four billion of his own dollars on his presidential campaign and still losing.

LeBron James has become the youngest player in NBA history to score 25,000 points. Just think how many points he could have had if he were able to make a basket in the fourth quarter when there was actually some pressure.

LeBron James has become the youngest player in NBA history to score 25,000 points. That could pave the way for Kobe Bryant to become the oldest player in NBA history to make his first assist.

Google engineers are trying to make an autonomous car that is more cautious around children. The engineers are programming the cars to be aware of younger people who can be identified as the ones that are always looking down at a cellphone screen.

Amazon’s new family leave policy will give new dads paid time off. It’s for dads whose responsibilities keep them from being able to work 14 hours days and is also known as collecting unemployment.

A Chinese robot has set a new record by walking continuously for 83 miles. Which in China, an 83 mile walk is also known as the average morning commute for the typical six year old going to work at the Nike factory.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak predicts there will be no human drivers on the road in 20 years. Mostly because they will all be dead from crashing their cars into trees while using their iPhones, iPads or MacBooks while driving.

Volvo is testing kangaroo avoidance technology in Australia. The only time kangaroos have been blamed for accidents in the U.S. is for people who swear they swerved to avoid one after drinking to much and trying to drive out of the parking lot at an Outback.

Volvo is testing kangaroo avoidance technology in Australia. Although if you hit a kangaroo in Australia, it usually means you have a bigger problem in being about 200 miles away from where you probably were trying to go.

Donald Trump slammed Marco Rubio for being “overrated.” Although with the highest polling Republican now Ben Carson who is pulling 29% support, overrated is the last word that comes to mind with any of the candidates.

Donald Trump says that he is “better looking” than Marco Rubio. Mostly because Rubio just hasn’t just decided on exactly the right type of roadkill to wear around on his head.

Jeb Bush is launching a comeback attempt for his campaign for President. Although it can’t be good news if you are already plotting your comeback ahead of the first primary and still a year before the general election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Since I last wrote, the Kansas City Royals won the World Series. Congratulations to them, and more importantly to their fans who were actually able to stay interested through the entire season which now lasts from April into November. It’s getting to be where fans feel they need to call in the middle reliever around June. I won’t complain because it’s better than having to listen to everyone talk about football from now through February. I just happen to like sports that are played in the warmer seasons and aren’t a survival test for people who live in areas like Green Bay, Minneapolis and Chicago. I am not a fan of the winter months, but I am usually able to make it through OK with the nice warm feeling that comes when all of you make sure to take the time to remember to always send the love!

1 comment:

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