Sunday, November 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that incidents of people having sex with horses in Switzerland is on the rise. The real question here is who is keeping statistics on things like this and how do they even know?

A report says that incidents of people having sex with horses in Switzerland is on the rise. Apparently those Swiss horses just don’t know how to say “nay.”

A report says that incidents of people having sex with horses in Switzerland is on the rise. Apparently the people in Switzerland will do it with anything that has a hole. Which means you really need to be careful when you buy a package of Swiss cheese.

The GOP establishment is reportedly in a panic over the continued popularity of Donald Trump. Most other people will be in more of a panic if Trump starts to fade and leaves them with choosing between Ted Cruz, Ben Carson or Carly Fiorina.

A study says smoking strong pot can destroy the brain’s white matter. The only question is by talking to pot smokers, how can anyone even tell?

A study says that mixing drinks with diet soda can increase the amount of alcohol on someone’s breath. Mostly because the people mixing with sugary soft drinks can absorb more alcohol with the burgers, french fries and pizza they ate all through the day.

A study says that mixing drinks with diet soda can increase the amount of alcohol on someone’s breath. The good news is that sticking to diet soft drinks at least makes them look great in their DUI mug shots.

A report says that DNA matching may be the future of online dating. As opposed to men whose idea of online dating is just for DNA sharing.

Egyptologists say there is a 90% chance that there are hidden chambers in King Tut’s tomb. To which Ben Carson says the other 10% chance is that those rooms are full of grain.

Egyptologists say there is a 90% chance that there are hidden chambers in King Tut’s tomb. Which if true means that HGTV is already planning for a show where they knock out some walls on a remodel and flip it for double the price.

A U.N. report says the U.S. is the hardest hit nation when it comes to weather disasters. The news already has people trying to get a late start on a presidential campaign for Al Roker.

A U.N. report says the U.S. is the hardest hit nation when it comes to weather disasters. Which is ironic as most of the non-weather disasters across the planet are usually a result of a U.S. military invasion.

A bank in Brazil is seeking to calm investors after its CEO was arrested. Which sent a chill through Wall Street board rooms. What kind of uncivilized nation would ever let a bank executive actually be held responsible for something they did and be put in jail?

Pope Francis I gave a talk in Kenya where he lashed out at the nation’s elite. Which in Kenya, the elite class is anyone who actually weighs more than 89 pounds.

A website called Cards Against Humanity made $71,000 charging $5 for absolutely nothing. Mostly because the people who spent the money still felt they ended up with more for their money than if they bought something on Amazon.

A website called Cards Against Humanity made $71,000 charging $5 for absolutely nothing. Mostly because they were just happy that the offer to buy nothing for $5 came with free shipping.

A survey says that college graduates are entering a strong job market. Apparently there has been a recent increase in the building of new 7-Elevens, Go-Marts and Speedways.

A survey says that college graduates are entering a strong job market. Ironically, the biggest increase in employment is at collection agencies that are trying to get some money from college graduates who are out of work and behind on their tuition loans.

ESPN has lost a reported 7 Million subscribers over the past two years. Although they still have the 50 viewers who still actually watch ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, and ESPNews.

ESPN has lost a reported 7 Million subscribers over the past two years. If the network has to make any cuts from lost revenue, that could be devastating for people who won’t be able to watch any more horseshoe tossing, Little League playoffs or dart throwing.

A computer made in the UK selling for $5 sold out in one day. Which apparently is all any computer would cost if it weren’t for all the money people are forced to pay for either Microsoft licensing or the “Apple tax.”

A study says that only two of five billionaires went to an elite college. The other three became billionaires by not having to pay off the tuition loans at an elite college.

A study says that children raised in a home with a pet dog have less anxiety than those who don’t. At least until they try to get a wienie out of the refrigerator without putting the family pit bull outside.

A government report says women are catching up with men as far as drinking and abusing alcohol. Apparently women have finally decided that if you can’t beat ‘em...

A study says constant traffic noise may boost the risk of depression. Especially when the person hears cars constantly going by and realizing they don’t live near any roads.

A study says constant traffic noise may boost the risk of depression. Mostly for people who are hearing the traffic go by while they have been waiting on the side of the road for three hours waiting for the tow truck to arrive.

A study says that weekdays may be the safest time to give childbirth. Although if that is true then why is Wednesday’s child full of woe while Sunday’s child is fair, wise and good in every way?

A 500 pound Missouri man says he will run in a 5K race every month to lose weight. The only problem is that his route goes from KFC to Dunkin’ Donuts to McDonald’s.

Coca-Cola’s top scientist is leaving after revelations that the company influenced a research study of obesity with a $1.5 Million donation. People were shocked. Why does a company that mixes sugar with flavored water have a scientist in the first place?

Some new apps help women improve their chances of getting pregnant. Don’t they already have that? It’s called Match.com.

Some new apps help women improve their chances of getting pregnant. Apparently the most effective one is called DateKevinFederline.com.

Republican presidential candidates John Kasich, Mike Huckabee and Jim Gilmore will get free ads on NBC as a result of Donald Trump hosting “Saturday Night Live.” People were surprised. NBC normally charges for commercials?

Republican presidential candidates John Kasich, Mike Huckabee and Jim Gilmore will get free ads on NBC as a result of Donald Trump hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Which could be a problem in that Trump’s political commercials are also being run as comedy and satire programming.

Kelly Clarkson says she spent Thanksgiving meditating with her daughter, River. Mostly she was meditating to find a reason why she named her daughter “River.”

Kelly Clarkson says she spent Thanksgiving meditating with her daughter, River. She also spent some of the holiday giving thanks, mostly that her career didn’t follow the same path as Justin Guarini.

Khloe Kardashian says that 2015 was the worst year of her life. There was her parents divorce, her husband’s drug overdose and on top of that she was given a Hermes handbag for her birthday after clearly stating she wanted Louis Vuitton.

The trailer for “Zoolander 2” was the most viewed comedy movie trailer ever. The bad news is that no one is going to watch it in the theater since the two minute clip has all the best parts of the entire film.

Khloe Kardashian says she is “feeling better and the infection is healing.” Which is exactly the line you don’t want to use when you are trying to get back into the market to start dating again.

The Philadelphia 76ers set a major pro sports record with 27 straight losses. Sports fans were shocked. They thought for sure there must be a longer losing streak for either the L.A. Clippers, Chicago Cubs or Jacksonville Jaguars.

An airport in Amsterdam has a robot that directs lost passengers. Mostly for anyone who has come to the airport straight from any of the city’s cannabis coffee shops.

An airport in Amsterdam has a robot that directs lost passengers. Mostly people who flew on United and weren’t scheduled to land in Amsterdam.

Bill Gates is set to announce a billion dollar fund for clean energy. To which most people are wonder when he is going to fund a project to fix Windows?

An automated parking garage in Miami smashed cars, caused hours of delays and forced customers to take taxis. In other words, it performed every bit as well as the valet attendants it replaced.

A judge has dismissed a lawsuit against Yelp by its shareholders over what they called manipulated reviews. The worst part is after the verdict the shareholders gave the judge a rating of just one star.

IBM’s supercomputer Watson is using online information to track what people want for Christmas gifts. The only hard part is that there aren’t any homes that have a chimney wide enough for Watson to make it all the way down.

A Google patent gives a clue as to how their driverless cars will communicate with pedestrians. If it is anything like New York City cab drivers, they will have to somehow fit their cars with an extended middle finger.

A report says that 39% of the shopping on Black Friday was done with mobile phones. Apparently people wanted to combine the convenience of online shopping without missing out on any of the traditional holiday brick and mortar store bargain bin brawls.

Facebook is offering all its employees a four month paid baby leave. Apparently it is to give them the time they need to do nothing but post all the baby pictures they will take during the first few months onto their Facebook page.

Google is backing a plan to get people a specific nanodegree in just six months. That way people can get a college education that only takes them 20 years to pay off.

A report says that Google Glass may return as a monocle. Which is great news if you also carry a cane and wear a top hat and don’t mind looking like Mr. Peanut.

Some motorists association says that driverless cars can gather too much information about drivers. Although the question is, why do they need any information about the driver for a car where the driver isn’t actually driving anymore?

Some motorists association says that driverless cars can gather too much information about drivers. As opposed to the old way of telling if a driver was good or bad by counting up the dents on their car.

A report says that cheaper technology is making low fare airlines look at offering inflight Wi-Fi. Although that may not be a good idea, especially when you consider most passengers on budget airlines will be using the connection to file complaints with the FAA about the airlines’ poor service while they are still in the air.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving. I had a good holiday and now it is back to the grind trying to make you all laugh at least a little. If nothing else, that last sentence was probably enough to generate a giggle or two. Although this is a comedy blog, I like to cover all forms of entertainment which brings us to some sad news. Cynthia Robinson, trumpet player for Sly and the Family Stone has died at age 71. Anyone who was a music fan back in the ‘60s and ‘70s will remember them for their many hits and great sound which included some awesome horn work. Robinson was also featured as a vocalist, especially on “Dance to the Music” where she was even called out by name. Although they had quite a few hits they still have to go down as a very underrated band, partially due to the low profile kept by leader Sly Stone. They still get some decent air play on the classic stations and were also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1993. Part of a great band leaves us, so remember Cynthia and the rest of the group today. And while you are at it, try to take at least a couple of minutes to make sure to send the love!

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