Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census Bureau says that 1.1 Million Americans don’t have toilets. Mostly because they stopped needing them ever since newspapers became obsolete and they don’t need a place to read them anymore.

The Census Bureau says that 1.1 Million Americans don’t have toilets. Which is pretty evident that some people are experiencing them for the first time if you have ever been inside a public restroom.

A study shows that income inequality makes the rich less generous. Although becoming wealthy has apparently made Ellen more deGeneres.

Men’s underwear is going high-end, with some brands selling for as much as $400 a pair. Which is different from many years ago when underwear went high-end it was called a “wedgie.”

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert. Which shows they have no idea what is going on and is pretty much the equivalent of giving everyone a “heads up!”

A study says that rude behavior can spread like a disease. To which most people are saying those researchers doing the study are a bunch of morons.

A study says that rude behavior can spread like a disease. Which means that pretty soon the CDC will be in charge of approving store hours on Black Friday.

A study says that rude behavior can spread like a disease. Which is interesting in that while the plague ravaged all of Europe, rudeness has pretty much been contained to just within the borders of France.

A new smart car seat will be able to keep the driver calm by measuring their physical and mental status. The seat will alert the driver when they reach three different stages of agitation: upset, angry and Mel Gibson.

A passenger says he was kicked off an American Airlines flight because he was overweight. If that was really the case there wouldn’t be a plane taking off from a U.S. airport with more than three people on board.

Google says the best time to shop on Black Friday is 5:00 in the morning. Mostly because it isn’t until people have had their morning coffee and a light snack that they officially make it to Peak Brawl Time.

Nielsen says the NFL accounts for 22% of network viewing during the fall. The other 78% of network viewing is because the TV is left on after the football fans get too drunk and pass out.

Nielsen says the NFL accounts for 22% of network viewing during the fall. Media experts were surprised. There are people who watch the other 78% of what the networks are putting on the air?

Nielsen says the NFL accounts for 22% of network viewing during the fall. More significant is that is pretty much 100% of the reason anyone ever switches their TV set over to NBC.

An airline lobbying group says 25.3 Million Americans will fly during the 12 days surrounding Thanksgiving. The extra 8 days are added to the holiday to cover the people who will take that long to get home because they are flying on United.

An advertising group is blasting Youtube and major brands for showing kids ads for soda and junk food. Although it wouldn’t be that much of a problem if kids weren’t using Youtube to sit around watching stupid videos on the couch 18 hours a day.

U.S. traffic deaths have increased 8% during the first part of 2015. Mostly people who prematurely turned their vehicle into an Apple driverless car when they started texting on their iPhone.

Oil saw its biggest one day gain in price in three weeks because of tension in the Middle East. That surprised a lot of people. When did things get any more calm in the Middle East in the previous three weeks?

Cable TV programming is still being driven by unscripted reality shows. Even the networks are going ahead with the idea as it is pretty apparent that CBS’ “Two Broke Girls” hasn’t used a script in at leas the past three seasons.

German prosecutors say they are opening a tax investigation over the emissions scandal at Volkswagen. Officials say even when it comes to their tax filings the people at VW may have been blowing smoke.

General Mills says they will start using only cage free eggs by 2025. Which won’t matter to the people who eat Betty Crocker recipes every day who won’t be with us in another ten years anyway.

E-mails show that Coco-Cola had a major role in an anti-obesity group’s policies after donating $1.5 Million. Leave it to a soda maker to be the ones to be able to throw their weight around.

A bill in Congress aims to simplify food labeling using terms like “healthy” and “natural.” As in “This food comes in a box so it is neither healthy nor natural.”

A bill in Congress aims to simplify food labeling using terms like “healthy” and “natural.” Now if we could just force Congress to use simplified labels for candidates, using easier terms like “dishonest,” “corrupt” and “immoral.”

A study says that adults who were born with heart defects are more at risk of having a stroke. Especially when they go to have their heart defect checked and they get the bill from their cardiologist.

A report says that board games can reveal how much a person is sleep deprived. Especially for anyone who has actually tried to get all the way through a session of “Monopoly.”

A study says that a moderate amount of caffeine by pregnant women is not linked to children’s low IQ or behavior. Which means for now moms will still have to blame their child’s issues on the genetic input from their dad.

A study says that 12% of the drugs prescribed by doctors are used for other than what they were approved for by regulators. Mostly because some of the ones that were approved don’t cost enough to pay for the doctors’ new car, boat and vacation home.

A study says that obese children may have trouble resisting food because of how their brains are hardwired. Which could be fixed if the circuitry was rerouted so it doesn’t by pass their mouth taking away the ability to say “no, thanks.”

A group of doctors says pregnant women should still exercise. To which most women put it off, knowing that once the child is born and learns to walk they won’t be able to sit down again for the next 8 or 9 years.

Some major retailers are refusing to carry genetically modified salmon. Apparently they insist on providing only the most pure and natural ingredients that go into the ice cream, cake and cookies that their customers are buying after passing by the seafood aisle.

Some major retailers are refusing to carry genetically modified salmon. Although if their customers ate more fish they wouldn’t become as genetically modified as they are from eating all the processed foods they are buying instead.

A medical group says doctors should prescribe more generic drugs. Although people should beware of doctors who think generic drugs are for people who are vague about their symptoms.

Soap star David Canary has died at age 77. Apparently the business took a toll on him. Canary claims working on soaps was like being in a coal mine.

Soap star David Canary has died at age 77. He is survived by three ex-wives, seven illegitimate children and an evil twin.

Sylvester Stallone says he was a “terrible choice” to play the lead role in “Rocky.” In fact, the working title wasn’t based on the name of his character but on his acting ability.

Sylvester Stallone says he was a “terrible choice” to play the lead role in “Rocky.” The most difficult part was the boxing scenes where every time Stallone would say a line the referee would give him a standing eight count thinking he was incoherent.

Sylvester Stallone says he was a “terrible choice” to play the lead role in “Rocky.” Although not as bad of a choice as making Rocky II, III, IV.....

Sylvester Stallone says he was a “terrible choice” to play the lead role in “Rocky.” Although not as bad as casting him in “Stayin’ Alive,” “Oscar” and “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.”

Adele’s new album “25” has sold 2.4 Million albums in one week. As opposed to Justin Bieber’s latest album which is on pace to sell 25 albums in 2.4 Million weeks.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she is leaving “Fox & Friends” to be with her family. After spending the past several years with her current cohosts and before that on “The View” she has decided it would a nice break to be around people who she can reason with and get in a word edgewise.

The upcoming movie The Big Short” is about Wall Street bankers and how they caused the mortgage crisis. Although many people are going to see the film thinking the title means it features David Spade, Tom Cruise and Danny DeVito.

The dress worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” has sold at auction for $1.56 Million. It is the most iconic dress worn by someone out of their element surrounded by strange characters other than whatever is currently in the wardrobe of Caitlyn Jenner.

Cleveland Browns Coach Mike Pettine says that Johnny Manziel “violated the trust” the team put in him after a video of Manziel partying surfaced. Although at this point, putting any trust in Manziel is regarded about the same as falling for the “Statue of Liberty” play.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch will undergo two surgeries in December. It is not known if one of them is to finally remove the foot that is always getting stuck in his mouth.

Astronauts on the International Space Station are planning a “space food” dinner for Thanksgiving. Although many people are thinking maybe it isn’t such a bad idea as that is the one place they can guarantee no uninvited family members will show up.

Astronauts on the International Space Station are planning a “space food” dinner for Thanksgiving. The only problem is making sure one of the astronauts has enough finger strength to be able to squeeze that entire turkey out of the toothpaste tube.

Hilton says malware target its credit card data. It was the biggest virus linked with Hilton other than anyone who has ever dated Paris.

A company is offering bacon scented underwear for Christmas. The only problem is making sure to let the family pit bull out of the house before trying them on.

President Obama is set for the traditional pardoning of a turkey on Thanksgiving. Although when Chris Christie heard the news he was disappointed to find out it had nothing to do with him and his involvement with Bridgegate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving so I will not be posting again until Monday. There. I have given all of you something to be thankful about. What am I thankful for? I have a wonderful daughter, great friends, a job I enjoy and all of you out there who keep coming back to see if the jokes are ever going to get any better. I appreciate all of you and I hope you like what I write for you every day. A Happy Thanksgiving to all, and may you all remember to keep it in mind through the entire holiday season to always send the love!

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