Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says Americans are equally excited over the Iowa caucuses and "Star Wars." Mostly because both take place in a galaxy far, far away, they both feature wars against aliens and it’s easy to confuse Jabba the Hutt with Chris Christie.

The King of Sweden is calling for a ban on baths for environmental reasons. Apparently his idea came from his admiration of other countries for taking the same measures. To which the French are saying “It helps the environment?”

A report says college presidents across the country are defending the importance of free speech. Mostly because they feel they should throw in at least one freebie for the diploma they will be paying for until they are in their 60s.

Gasoline prices are expected to fall below $2 a gallon for Thanksgiving. To which the executives of Big Oil are giving thanks that they will finally not have to spend their vacation time looking for yet another vacation house for a tax shelter.

Gasoline prices are expected to fall below $2 a gallon for Thanksgiving. To which many people are not giving thanks as they can no longer use the excuse it costs too much money to go and visit the in-laws for the holidays.

A study says that online pornography is fueling sex addiction. Up until now it was thought the only cause of sex addiction was a Y chromosome.

A study says that online pornography is fueling sex addiction. Which at least is saving people a lot of money over the old causes of alcohol, strip clubs and subscriptions to Hustler.

A poll says 65% of people say the media has a negative effect on America. The other 35% is like Fox News and just tells its target audience everything they want to hear.

A poll says 65% of people say the media has a negative effect on America. It’s good to know that means nearly two thirds of all media outlets are still mostly telling the truth.

A poll says that one in four Americans believe the government is the enemy. That number usually goes up until it reaches all four in four right around April 15th.

A poll says that one in four Americans believe the government is the enemy. The other three don’t feel that way at least as long as the government is on time with their unemployment, Social Security and Disability checks.

Scientists say that being lonely increases the chances of dying early. Although that theory is exactly the opposite in the case of Charlie Sheen.

Scientists say that being lonely increases the chances of dying early. Especially for the people who have to gorge themselves on Thanksgiving alone and don’t have anyone to invite to be there to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on them.

A drunk Russian sailor reportedly crashed a 7,000 ton cargo ship into Scotland at full speed. At least it’s good to hear that Joseph Hazlewood has moved to a new country and found work again.

A drunk Russian sailor reportedly crashed a 7,000 ton cargo ship into Scotland at full speed. The worst part is he was aiming at Ireland in order to restock the booze cabinet.

A drunk Russian sailor reportedly crashed a 7,000 ton cargo ship into Scotland at full speed. Apparently he was in a hurry to get back to port for his second job as a captain over at Carnival Cruise Lines.

A task force is recommending drones to be registered with the FAA. That way they will be able to give separate licenses to pilots for the various drone activities depending on if they are using them for random shooting, spying on neighbors or delivering drugs.

San Francisco has been picked as the best city for college students. Mostly because they have a lot in common with people who have already graduated college and been working for years who are still living exactly the same impoverished life style.

Red Lobster says it will increase the size of the shrimp they use in certain dishes after complaints from customers they were too small. To which the company says why do they think they call them shrimp?

Red Lobster says it will increase the size of the shrimp they use in certain dishes after customers complained they were too small. Next the restaurant will have to deal with patrons who want larger utensils to stop wasting time being able to get enough food down their throats at once.

An economist at Deutsche Bank says a recession is “several years away.” Mostly because we can’t have another recession until we finally get out the depression we have been in since 2007.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she is leaving “Fox & Friends” to spend more time with her family. Apparently she feels it’s time to deal with the screaming and tantrums for free with her own kids after getting paid millions of dollars to do the same thing with her cohosts.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she is leaving “Fox & Friends” to spend more time with her family. Apparently she wants to be able to read fairy tales and other wildly fantasized stories to her own kids after doing the same thing to a nationwide audience for years.

A report says that seasonal workers are flocking to California to process marijuana fields. Apparently after all those years of picking fruit, the workers think it would be a nice change to pick crops people will actually consume.

A report says that seasonal workers are flocking to California to process marijuana fields. Their struggles to provide legalized pot to the state along with the after effects could lead to a Steinbeck type of sequel called “The Cupcakes of Wrath.”

A study says that women manage their 401(k) accounts better than men. Mostly because most men have $37 left in their retirement accounts after taking out most of it when they hit middle age for a sports car, flat screen TV and Rolex watch.

Chinese billionaire Liu Yiqian bought a $170 Million painting that he put on his American Express card that will give his family enough points for a lifetime of air travel. Although he will now need another $170 Million to cover all the luggage, bottled water and blanket fees.

A study says that most American consumers are trying to cut back on sugar. Mostly so they can save a little room for all the salt and fat they are instead substituting in everything they eat.

A study says that a higher resting heart rate may mean an increased risk of dying early. Especially when the higher heart rate while lying in bed is from men who are worrying that their wife will catch them sneaking out of the house at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that a higher resting heart rate may mean an increased risk of dying early. Especially when a person’s resting heart rate goes up while they are sitting on the couch in anticipation of going to the kitchen for another box of doughnuts.

A study says that young women who survive a heart attack or stroke may not be out of danger once they recover. Mostly because they are young and have already had a heart attack or stroke.

A video game has been developed to help children who have ADHD. Which wouldn’t be necessary if the kids hadn’t developed ADHD from sitting around playing video games all day.

Scientists say they have found the place in the brain where happiness exists. Apparently it is right next to the spot that knows how to use a computer to find the best online porn sites.

Rapper Fetty Wap threw wads of money to fans at a mall in New Jersey. Which is a coincidence that “Fetty Wap” is also the sound that is made when two New Jersey residents smash their heads together while trying to pick up a stack of $20 bills.

The Sacramento Kings are reportedly considering making Nancy Lieberman the NBA’s first woman head coach. Which would unofficially make her the queen of the Kings.

A report says the NHL will start testing players for cocaine. Which won’t be a problem as long as there is no chance of a false positive from the fact every player who suits up for an NHL game is doing it under the influence of novocaine.

Microsoft is blaming layoffs for the drop in its workforce diversity. The company says it was a pure coincidence that the company happened to discharge their woman employee as well as both the Black guy and Hispanic worker.

Two dozen Disney IT workers say they are planning to sue the company over being replaced by foreign workers. They say they want to go back to the way Walt Disney intended, for foreign workers to be in the kitchen, sweeping the park and wearing the costumes.

Two dozen Disney IT workers say they are planning to sue the company over being replaced by foreign workers. Not only that, but several cartoon characters say their jobs disappeared when the company hired Aladdin, Mulan and Tiana.

Netflix says is is bringing back a remake of the 1960s show “Lost in Space.” Although there is some confusion as the Discovery Channel says it was already planning to use the same title for an upcoming documentary about NASA.

Luxembourg says it is looking to rebrand to improve its image. Which shouldn’t be too much of a problem to improve their image considering most people have never even heard of Luxembourg.

Luxembourg says it is looking to rebrand to improve its image. Apparently they are starting off the campaign with the slogan “Way better than Lithuania, Latvia or Moldova.”

The White House says that federal agencies will cut 2008 greenhouse gas emissions 42% by 2025. Apparently that will be achieved by ordering two out of every five government workers to stop exhaling while on the job.

Classes are being offered at California prisons allowing women inmates to earn certificates in computer aided design programs. The goal is to keep the recidivism rate down by teaching them to hack where they can steal money and have a lower chance of being caught.

Archaeologists say they have found the world’s oldest fava seeds at a site in Galilee. Although they say it was a little unnerving to see they were part of a meal served with liver and a nice Chianti.

Donald Trump says he has the “world’s greatest memory.” And he is hoping that the people going to the polls at the primaries have the world’s worst.

Donald Trump says he has the “world’s greatest memory.” Unfortunately it appears to be much better than that of the people in the media.

Donald Trump is defending a retweet he sent that listed fake crime statistics. Apparently he figures no one knows what numbers are correct because who would have believed six months ago he would be the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination?

Donald Trump’s eligibility to be on the New Hampshire ballot is being challenged. Although it isn’t sure what rules would be used since he obviously fits the two criteria for being on the New Hampshire ballot as no one is questioning that he is white and male.

Donald Trump claims he has a higher IQ than George Will. People questioned his statement until he backtracked and said he meant to say George W. Bush.

Donald Trump claims he has a higher IQ than George Will. Not that he was picking on George Will, it’s just that in Trump’s mind Will automatically finishes below him as long as he is part of the group known as humans living on Earth.

Ben Carson has slipped in the polls after recent media scrutiny. Which means the media needs to back off because if they check the validity of all the candidates’ claims it could mean no one will be elected.

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert. Well, at least they narrowed down the danger zone just to anywhere on this planet.

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert. It seems that the more the State Department people travel around trying to solve the world’s problems, the fewer the places that are safe for the rest of us to go.

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert. And for once it doesn’t just mean the people who have booked their trip on United.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! In case you think I am biased in all my jokes about Donald Trump, I really am not. I will pick on any politician or celebrity as long as they supply the material and Trump just seems to be the best at handing out gag lines about himself that are practically already written. There are so many comments he throws out every day that can be turned into jokes I guess I need to start thinking about actually giving him a writing credit at this point. Don’t worry, there is still plenty of time until the primaries and elections that I will have plenty of material about all the other candidates to more than go around. In the meantime, I hope you all have your plans finalized for Thanksgiving and that you are ready for the holiday. If so, I also hope you have a few extra spare minutes to allow you to take the time to remember to send the love!

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