Sunday, November 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A man was arrested after going into an Apple Store in New York wielding a Samurai sword. Nobody was hurt, which shows the Apple Pencil is still mightier than the sword.

A man was arrested after going into an Apple Store in New York wielding a Samurai sword. Apparently he was a little confused, thinking if you are going to an Apple Store in the Big Apple you are going to need a big knife to slice it.

A $17.5 Million nuclear attack-proof home is for sale in Georgia. Although most people buying a house in Georgia aren’t as concerned about being kept safe from nuclear weapons as they are about keeping out their neighbors from Mississippi and Alabama.

Fox has abandoned same day ratings for its TV shows, as many people choose to watch shows later through streaming. NBC dropped the service years ago as it can take up to a week to locate the three people still watching their programs.

Some groups are calling for a boycott of the upcoming film “Zoolander 2” because it features a “cartoonish” trans character. Although most people are already planning to boycott the film because they know someone who saw the first “Zoolander.”

A New Jersey couple has lost custody of their children after the mother took them to an exorcist while their father was in prison. The exorcism and dad in jail were apparently no problem but the court decided the mother was negligent in keeping them in New Jersey.

A poll says 57% of Americans say the U.S. has changed so much they feel like a stranger in their own country. Especially the people in Hollywood who can barely recognize themselves in the mirror after all their Botox, plastic surgery and facelifts.

Fidelity is planning a “robo adviser” to manage clients’ money. Although some people think there may be a conflict of interest as the robot keeps recommending investing in HP, Apple and Microsoft where components were made for several of its cousins.

A study says that music is good for helping patients’ bodies heal after surgery. Although songs not recommended are “The First Cut is the Deepest,” “Cuts Like a Knife” and “Stitch By Stitch.”

Puerto Rico is offering its creditors a universal debt exchange plan. Meaning they can trade their debt for Monopoly money, Confederate currency or anything else that has no worth anywhere in the universe.

Puerto Rico is offering its creditors a universal debt exchange plan. Which doesn’t really matter since anyone who ever loaned Puerto Rico any money was crazy to think they were ever going to see any of it again anyway.

Princeton University has agreed to examine the legacy of Woodrow Wilson following protests by students. Administrators at other colleges were impressed. They just wish they had some students who have ever even heard of Woodrow Wilson.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he is taking off two months’ paternity leave. He will return when his daughter is two months old and not only has her own Facebook page but a working knowledge of integrated circuitry and coding in JavaScript.

A race for Mississippi state representative that ended in a tie was determined by the candidates drawing straws. The loser is contesting the decision, saying it should have been based on the traditional Mississippi method of settling disputes involving alcohol and shooting at each other while driving a pickup truck.

A study says that people who drink 3-5 cups of coffee a day are less likely to die prematurely. Mostly because that much caffeine will keep someone twitching enough that it will take months for anyone to realize they are actually dead.

A study says that people who drink 3-5 cups of coffee a day are less likely to die prematurely. Not because the coffee is good for them but it will just keep them from instead drinking soda, booze or energy drinks.

A survey says retail stores will add 755,000 temporary workers over the holiday season. Although it isn’t known why they should be categorized differently since in this economy everyone is pretty much a temporary worker.

A survey says retail stores will add 755,000 temporary workers over the holiday season. Although most of them won’t be around for Christmas as they are just being brought in for security to break up brawls during the Black Friday sales.

The CEO of Merck pharmaceuticals blasted the company that raised the price of a drug by 5,000%. His question was why was the price of the drug so low to begin with?

The CEO of Merck pharmaceuticals blasted the company that raised the price of a drug by 5,000%. He thinks it should be an industry policy to never raise the price of drugs more than 4,000% at a time.

A report says that the new Apple Pencil is in such short supply that people are selling them on eBay for up to $650. Although people looking to buy them need to be careful, especially when the seller says they will even throw in an eraser and sharpener.

Data says that shoppers are waiting longer to buy their holiday gifts. Mostly the people who have been out of work and are still looking to catch up on all the gifts they haven’t been able to give anyone since 2007.

Cognac maker Louis XIII has made a movie featuring John Malkovich that will not be shown for 100 years. To which the movie studios who have produced all of Adam Sandler’s films are asking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Cognac maker Louis XIII has made a movie featuring John Malkovich that will not be shown for 100 years. It’s a publicity stunt that was considered by the studio making the “Star Wars” films except it would mean there would be people in costumes camping outside of movie theaters through the next century waiting for tickets.

Cognac maker Louis XIII has made a movie featuring John Malkovich that will not be shown for 100 years. Which means movie theaters planning on showing the movie should start making the popcorn for opening night any time now.

Scientists say a new gene makes bacteria highly resistant to current antibiotics. Fortunately most Americans are still safe because there is no way those bacteria can make it past the chemicals we have in our systems from eating processed food, breathing polluted air and drinking contaminated tap water.

A Georgia mom was able to finish a college exam while in labor to have her child. If moms have to take tests while in labor what’s next, Making the dad take a pop quiz?

A Georgia mom was able to finish a college exam while in labor to have her child. Apparently the mother realizes how important it is to finish college so she can get a good job and start saving right now for her child’s college tuition loans.

A study says that sleeping in late on weekends may be bad for people’s health. Especially after they were caught sneaking in by their wife at 3:00 Saturday morning.

A study says walking speed is linked to the heart health of older adults. The study doesn’t correlate to younger people since researchers couldn’t find anyone under the age of 25 who ever actually walks anywhere.

Researchers say they can predict how well a child will do in school with a simple test that requires them to put a raisin under a cup and not eat it until they are told. The children who do best in school are the ones who will actually eat a raisin.

A study says that people who start exercising later in life can still reduce the risk of heart failure. As opposed to most people who have heart failure at the thought of having to get out and actually do any exercise.

Netflix is going to bring back a remake of the 1960s TV show “Lost In Space.” It will be scripted to be more relevant to modern viewers who when hearing a robot yell “Danger! Danger!” know it means it has been trained to take over their job.

George Lucas says he is done with “Star Wars.” Apparently he has decided it might be time to try something different other than the same thing he has been working on every day since 1977.

A WWE wrestling event in Atlanta went on as scheduled after an alleged terror threat. Mostly because organizers know even the most well-armed terrorist is no match for a diving cross body block off the ropes along with a folding chair to the back of the head.

A high school football game in Miami ended abruptly when gunfire broke out near the stadium. Spectators were surprised. Having a game called in Miami for gunshots is like having a game in Los Angeles called off because of traffic noise.

Drone registration recommendations have been handed to the FAA for consideration. Since the agency has failed so badly with airline security, on-time performance and outrageous fees, it was thought to be a better idea to put them in charge instead of remote controlled toys.

Researchers say they may have found a lost ancient Greek island in the Aegean Sea. The bad news is that three days after it was discovered it already declared bankruptcy.

The NASA Cassini spacecraft has detected a massive ice cloud on the Saturn moon Titan. The ice cloud is already being declared by conservatives to be even more proof that global warming is a hoax.

Apple is acknowledging mysterious shutdowns with the new iPad Pro. No one had any idea that they decided to power the computers using Windows.

Amazon says it will build a massive wind farm in Ohio to power its web services. Fortunately for Ohio, it is the source of so much wind that is generated by the fact that Pennsylvania sucks so much.

Researchers say they have found that stars in distant galaxies have a pulse. Up until now it was assumed anything that originated in another galaxy was without a pulse, mostly because of Dick Cheney.

Scientists have found the remains of an old tropical forest in the Arctic. To which Al Gore says that is no big deal, with the way the world is heating up they will be back in another five or six years.

An audit says the State Department’s cyber security is not up to par. Although by looking at the situation in the Middle East and our diplomatic standings with Europe and the immigration controversies, it looks like it is pretty much in line with everything else the State Department is doing.

United Airlines is planning to let travelers use their frequent flier miles to pay for inflight Wi-Fi. People were surprised at the news. There are people who willingly fly on United more than once?

United Airlines is planning to let travelers use their frequent flier miles to pay for inflight Wi-Fi. Which is great news for people who need the connection so they can change their connecting flight over to another airline before they land.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a few more days until Thanksgiving. Let us all give thanks that most of Congress will be off through the holidays so they won’t have the opportunity to out us even deeper in debt and make for worse relations with the rest of the world. And we can also give thanks that I will be taking off Thursday and Friday to give all of you weary readers a break from the mediocre attempts at humor. That should be enough of an incentive to make all of you want to take the time to remember to send the love!

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