Friday, November 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The LAX airport commission has approved building a separate terminal for the rich and famous. It is actually a safety measure as it is being equipped with technology that doesn’t mistake silicon and Botox for plastic explosives.

A poll says that half of all New Yorkers are barely making ends meet. The other half have quit trying after going hopelessly in debt.

A poll says that half of all New Yorkers are barely making ends meet. Although they say it’s still a lot better than being financially secure but having to live in New Jersey.

The outbreak of the bird flu has raised the average cost of cooking Thanksgiving dinner to more than $50 for ten people. Which conservatives are saying wouldn’t have happened if all those birds were able to make it through the Obamacare website.

The outbreak of the bird flu has raised the average cost of cooking Thanksgiving dinner to more than $50 for ten people. Although some people are skeptical, as anyone who has ever made a Thanksgiving dinner knows that spending $50 for ten people pretty much means they will all be eating Oscar Mayer sliced turkey sandwiches.

A suspicious package caused police to close the 14th Street Bridge in Washington, D.C. on Thursday. Although it started to make a little more sense when they saw the package was addressed to Chris Christie.

A new dating site called Stitch is being called “Tinder for seniors,” catering to mature adults looking for companionship. Or in other words, is the digital equivalent of Bingo night.

The FDA has approved genetically engineered salmon for human consumption. The sad part is that many people still think that sounds more appetizing than the seafood platter at Captain D’s.

The FDA has approved genetically engineered salmon for human consumption. Although most people will believe they can really change salmon through genetic engineering when it doesn’t taste and smell like fish.

A study says that a quarter of all men believe there are “man periods” which bring on moodiness, tenderness and increased sensitivity. Or as most women call that, football season.

A study has discovered how some types of fish seem to be able to disappear. Especially the ones that end up at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Red Lobster.

Jared Fogle has been sentenced to more than 15 years on child sex charges. Ironically, when the former Subway pitchman gets to prison he is going to find out a whole new meaning for the term “sandwich.”

The UK Supreme Court has ruled that foreign spouses must learn English before moving to Britain. Or whatever language it is they use there that refers to the trunk as the “boot,” a baby carriage as a “pram” and a truck as a “lorry.”

The UK Supreme Court has ruled that foreign spouses must learn English before moving to Britain. Although the real way to test the sincerity of their love would be to make them to pretend to enjoy eating an entire meal of British food.

The Chevy Volt has been named the Green Car of the Year. What’s even better is that next year Chevrolet will start offering it in red, yellow and blue.

The Chevy Volt has been named the Green Car of the Year. As was pretty much every other car that wasn’t made by Volkswagen.

The Chevy Volt has been named the Green Car of the Year. Although Chrysler was given special recognition as putting out fewer pollutants than any other vehicle, unless you count the tow truck that is attached to it most of the time.

A new Facebook feature allows people to cut out posts from exes on their news feed. All men need to do now is find a way to keep their girlfriends’ posts off their site so their wife doesn’t find out and they become an ex themselves.

Former Home Depot and Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli says he would be cautious about hiring now. Which is ironic in that Home Depot and Chrysler wouldn’t have gone through so much trouble if they had been more cautious when they hired Nardelli.

Best Buy sales are reportedly down with the company also predicting a weak holiday outlook. Mostly because people are afraid to buy big screen TV sets, especially with how scary it is in high definition when they watch any of the financial news channels.

State regulators in Iowa are reviewing a proposed $2 Billion line to ship electricity generated by wind. Apparently they want to wait to see how drastically the wind drops across the state once the presidential candidates are done with the Iowa primary.

Mark Zuckerberg is donating $20 Million to bring speedy Internet access to all U.S. schools. Mostly so instead of just at home they can also spend all their time at school looking at their Facebook page.

The IRS is seeking taxpayers’ help in battling tax refund fraud. Although in this economy anyone who is getting a refund can pretty much be assumed to be sending in a fraudulent return.

The IRS is seeking taxpayers’ help in battling tax refund fraud. Which should be no problem as there is nothing most Americans would rather do than help out all their friends who are always so kind and caring over at the IRS.

The IRS is seeking taxpayers’ help in battling tax refund fraud. Which is pretty much wishful thinking as most Americans spend all their time between from January through April 15th trying to figure out ways to shortchange the tax collectors.

A salmonella outbreak traced to imported cucumbers has sickened more than 800 people. Medical experts were shocked. There are 800 Americans who eat cucumbers?

A salmonella outbreak traced to imported cucumbers has sickened more than 800 people. Which has Donald Trump now threatening to put up a wall that will keep out all immigrant Mexicans, Syrians and cylindrical vegetables.

A report says that drug overdoses are soaring among U.S. youths. Medical experts say the country’s health was a lot better off when kids were just eating too much junk food and sitting on the couch all day.

A study has found a parasite that increases fertility in women. That’s not news. Most people already know that as Kevin Federline.

A study says that half of all adults will develop pre-diabetic high blood sugar. The other half are full blown diabetics who say some people are just afraid to commit.

A study says that a gene mutation may cause people to become reckless drunks. The mutation apparently also causes red hair, green eyes and last names that start with “O’.”

A study says the best way to take a person’s temperature is rectally. Mostly because if someone is willing to commit to that to prove they have a fever, they must really be feeling sick.

The California health exchange is offering dental coverage for the first time. Apparently it is for people who are poor and have their real teeth instead of having a mouth full of crowns, bridges and veneers.

A study says that men eat more in front of women than they do around other men. Mostly because if there are any other men around the food won’t be around long enough to eat as much.

A study says that men eat more in front of women than they do around other men. Because there is no better way to impress a woman than becoming bloated, fat and gassy.

A study says that men eat more in front of women than they do around other men. Mostly because when they are on a date and end up cleaning the plate of the woman who wants to make it look like two bites is all they can possibly finish at any meal.

“Reminiscence therapy” is being used to trigger dementia patients’ memories. Mostly by sending them back to a time when people read the newspaper, weren’t staring into a phone screen all day and could actually carry on a conversation with another person.

The National Institute of Health says it is retiring the last 50 chimps still used for medical research. Some people thought the process was cruel but others are saying the chimps did better than them, getting health care all those years and actually being able to retire.

A report says the U.S. smoking rate is down to 14.9%, its lowest ever. Cigarettes are the  only product where getting more people to use them is the best way to have fewer people around that still use them.

The FDA has approved a nasal spray to combat overdoses of opioids. Mostly because if there is anything someone overdosing on one drug knows how to do, it is snort something else.

A player on the Cincinnati Bengals says the team’s former quarterback Carson Palmer “quit on us.” Although he does give him credit for at least not leaving the team in the usual way, with a unanimous verdict by a jury.

Researchers are working on teaching robots how and when to say “no” to humans. So far the easiest way is by getting them to join a labor union.

The Apple Pencil is now available for use with the iPad Pro. The only problem is trying to explain to anyone under the age of 20 what a pencil is.

The FBI says hackers are targeting law enforcement agencies and politicians. Which is kind of embarrassing considering those are the groups who are supposed to be writing laws against and catching all the hackers in the first place.

Google says that Darth Vader is leading all Google searches for “Star Wars” characters. Although that number may be skewed by all the people who type that in when they are looking for information about Dick Cheney.

A USC graduate student has designed an animatronic garment that moves around and warns the wearer when they are being watched. Although one way to keep from being stared at is to not wear clothes that change shape and move around randomly while they are being worn.

The U.N. has adopted a resolution urging Iran to improve their human rights record because of a high number of death penalty executions. To which Iran says they should be given credit for not having a lot of people locked away in their prison system.

The U.N. has adopted a resolution urging Iran to improve their human rights record because of a high number of death penalty executions. Who do they think they are, Texas?

Donald Trump went on a Twitter tirade against Ohio Governor John Kasich. Which is good news for Kasich who finally figured out how to get people to actually find out that he is running for President.

Donald Trump says he supports the wind energy business. Mostly because he stands to make a fortune in the industry by becoming one of their major suppliers.

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley says he is accepting public financing for his campaign. Which doesn’t even include the public funding he is already receiving every time he holds that cup out to passersby on the street corner by his house.

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley says he is accepting public financing for his campaign. The move will limit his primary spending to $48 Million. Which is good because that amount exceeds his war chest by just under $48 Million.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the weekend before Thanksgiving. That means many of you will be taking off the entire week. Not me. I will be working all week at my “real” job and will be cranking out the jokes through Wednesday. That will give me a chance to recharge the batteries. And to look for some better material. So that means we can all meet again here on Monday as usual no matter what your plans call for. If you get the entire week off or just a couple of days, make sure to give thanks for all you have and above all make sure to remember to send the love!

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