Thursday, November 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Los Angeles has declared a shelter crisis as the homeless population increases. No one had any idea that many people in southern California still carried subprime loans.

Los Angeles has declared a shelter crisis as the homeless population increases. Which is what happens when you try to live in L.A. and make less than $150,000 a year.

The University of Vermont held a retreat last week for white students only so they could confront their “white privilege.” The non-white students on campus would have complained but apparently all three had something else to do over the weekend.

CIA chief John Brennan blasted Edward Snowden for intelligence leaks he says allow terrorists to flourish. Apparently he is upset that the terrorists learned all their tactics after getting their hands on the classified CIA handbook.

ISIS is claiming that a “Schweppes bomb” in a soft drink can brought down the Russian airliner over Egypt. Apparently the terrorists made the device after getting upset at being forced to shell out $8 for the soft drink.

A 14 year old was arrested for robbing a bank in Cleveland. Remember when kids used to get their extra spending money by taking on a paper route?

A 14 year old was arrested for robbing a bank in Cleveland. Police say they are still looking for the accomplice who pedaled the getaway bike.

Pollsters are defending their craft in the wake of several high profile elections they called wrong. Judging by who has been winning recent elections, the pollsters should be doing all their research asking the opinions of patients at mental hospitals.

President Obama says he has fantasized about owning an NBA team after leaving the White House. Mostly because he has a better chance of having that dream come true than his other fantasy of actually having Republicans help pass one of his measures.

President Obama says he has fantasized about owning an NBA team after leaving the White House. Mostly because if he misses dealing with people like Ted Cruz, Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell he would instead have Mark Cuban.

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox says all drugs will be legal in his country within the next ten years. Americans were surprised. Which drug is still not available south of the border?

A report says that more women are among the westerners who have been joining ISIS. Which asks the question of how bad is the dating pool in America when that is the only alternative to Zoosk, Tinder and Match.com?

People magazine has chosen David Beckham as the Sexiest Man Alive. Mail deliverers are being told the way to avoid wrinkling the cover picture is to not bend it like Beckham.
 

People magazine has chosen David Beckham as the Sexiest Man Alive. The choice was a lot easier for the editors once Charlie Sheen’s announcement pretty much took him off anyone’s list for consideration.

New startups are allowing Millennials to invest in the stock market using their cellphone for as little as $5 at a time. The only problem is that no Millennials have $5 left over once they pay their phone bill and the fees for all the new apps and games they buy.

A study says the net worth of Congress is $4.3 Billion. The question is with 535 people having that much wealth running the show, how could they possibly rack up $18 Trillion in debt for the rest of us?

The location of the first Taco Bell is being moved 45 miles to the company headquarters in Irvine, California. Only Taco Bell could a restaurant closed for nearly 30 years still be responsible for a movement that makes the headlines.

E! is ending its show “The Soup” after 22 years. The ironic part is that after the last episode in December all the workers will be canned.

Audi’s president says that a quarter of its cars sold in the U.S. by 2025 will be electric. Some auto industry experts thought that was a bold prediction. They found it hard to believe Audi will still be in business in another ten years.

The CEO of investment company Blackstone says the U.S. could potentially enter a recession in 2017. Which is good news for all the people who feel the U.S. still hasn’t gotten out of the 2007 Depression.

The CEO of investment company Blackstone says the U.S. could potentially enter a recession in 2017. At least if companies like Blackstone get their way and have Congress drop the regulations and let them go back to doing whatever they want.

Sprint is offering to halve the bills of those who switch from rival networks. Which is only fair since with Sprint they will only get half the completed calls, Internet connectivity and customer service.

The cover of the latest issue of The Hollywood Reported is being criticized for featuring eight white women. Apparently many people were caught off guard with seeing eight actresses on the cover of a magazine at the same time with their clothes on.

The cover of the latest issue of The Hollywood Reported is being criticized for featuring eight white women. The magazine claims the picture was diverse for Hollywood as some of the women are actually over 30.

A consumer watchdog group has put out a list of the 10 worst toys to give for Christmas. Mostly because every child under age 12 who has access to an iPhone and iPad has no idea what a toy even is.

A study says that pigeons can tell the difference between healthy tissue and tumors. Which means the ones used to identify cases of colo-rectal cancer will be called stool pigeons.

Researchers say they have grown working vocal cords in a laboratory. If they are able to be successfully transplanted into humans it could stop at least one common malady. The one that causes Britney Spears to lip sync at all her concerts.

A study says that light therapy may help with other types of depression besides Seasonal Affective Disorder. Although it can make patients even more depressed when there is enough light to allow them to be able to read their therapist’s bill.

A study says that nearly 10% of Americans struggle with drug problems. The other 90% don’t have that issue as they can’t afford drugs because the deductibles are too high on their health care prescription plan.

A study says that nearly 10% of Americans struggle with drug problems. Although on the upside, without them there would be nowhere near as many reality TV shows for everyone else to watch.

A poll says that Americans cite cost and access as their top health care issues. The good news is that our health care system is so good that the people who go into debt to see a doctor can stay healthy enough to work until they are 93 to pay it all off.

A study says people who have had heart attacks are more likely to still smoke and be obese than those who haven’t had heart attacks. Apparently they have trouble grasping the idea it isn’t a random event like being struck twice by lightning.

A study says that coffee is being tied to a lower risk of dying prematurely. Mostly the people who are determined to live to a long age so they don’t burden their family with having to pay off their Starbucks bill.

A study says that coffee is being tied to a lower risk of dying prematurely. It’s the doughnuts, cookies and pastries that people eat along with their morning coffee that is going to kill them.

A study says that couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. At least until their spouses find out.

A study says that couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. That is about the maximum amount of time that most men can deal with having to beg without some kind of reward.

Charlie Sheen says he paid “countless millions” of dollars to “unsavory” women to keep his secret about being HIV positive. The thought of him being blackmailed by less than desirable people brings to mind an old phrase. “Birds of a feather.”

Charlie Sheen says he paid “countless millions” of dollars to “unsavory” women to keep his secret about being HIV positive. Which pretty much answers who he was hanging around with to become HIV positive in the first place.

Michael Phelps says that he is expecting a child with his fiancee Nicole Johnson. That was no surprise. Who else but the 22 time Olympic medalist would not have an issue in being able to produce enough little swimmers?

Carly Simon says the second verse of “You’re So Vain” was written about Warren Beatty. Not to say Beatty’s getting a little older, but she is reworking the lyrics to say “You’ve Got Varicose Veins.”

A report says TV networks are taking longer to cancel their poorly rated shows. In fact, NBC won’t scrub a program until all three of their remaining viewers give it a thumbs down.

The winless Philadelphia 76ers were hit with a technical foul in a recent loss for having six players on the court. The sad part is that it took three quarters for the referees to even notice.

A report says that some Packers fans are blaming quarterback Aaron Rogers’ poor performance on his girlfriend actress Olivia Munn. Although if they really want to see some poor performances they should just go see her latest movie “Zoolander 2.”

Tiger Woods has signed on to assist Captain Davis Love III in next year’s Ryder Cup competition. Apparently Woods will just go around telling all the players not to play like him.

Donald Trump says that Ben Carson’s foreign policy is pretty sad. To which most people are asking Trump how he has any idea what Carson’s foreign policy is in the first place?

Donald Trump says that Ben Carson’s foreign policy is pretty sad. Apparently he has an issue with Carson barely even naming three countries he wants to bomb into oblivion.

Donald Trump says plans to only let Christian refugees into the U.S. would be difficult as it would be hard to tell which ones are Christians. Apparently he thinks it would be better if they were like his supporters and worshipped at the Church of Trump.

Donald Trump says he will do “great” with Muslim voters. Especially the ones who don’t mind being deported back to their home country the day after his Inauguration.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is accusing Chris Christie of “playing to the cheap seats” with his opposition to accepting Syrian refugees. Although it was at least a change of pace to see Christie show interest in a seat not at the buffet table.

A report says the TSA failed to identify 73 airport workers who were on the terror watch list. Mostly because the TSA says it knew as long as they were all working for United Airlines it wasn’t like they were going to be going anywhere.

A report says the TSA failed to identify 73 airport workers who were on the terror watch list. To which the TSA says if it took them all off the list then what would Southwest Airlines do for flight attendants?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just a week away. And as usual, most of you will give thanks that I won’t be writing any jokes for a couple of days. In the meantime, I still have a few more to write before we get to the holiday. Which means you won’t have time to read any jokes in the first place as you will be more than likely recovering from the injuries sustained in the Black Friday free-for-all. Just remember that you still have several days before the shopping assault begins to remember to make sure to send the love!

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