Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CDC says there has been an “alarming” increase in STDs over the past few years, mostly chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea. Officials say that ground zero for the outbreak would be a date between Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen that originated on Match.com.

The Department of Justice has announced criminal charges against dietary supplement firms for making products that don’t work. Although by looking at most Americans, the most popular dietary supplements are cake, ice cream and doughnuts.

The Department of Justice has announced criminal charges against dietary supplement firms for making products that don’t work. When asked how they knew weight loss products weren’t working, officials said they pretty much just looked around.

Texas is reportedly welcoming Google self driving cars into the state. Texans are looking forward to not being distracted by having to keep their eyes on the road while they are trying to concentrate on drinking their beer and shooting at roadside varmints.

Charlie Sheen went on “Today” to admit he is HIV positive, saying his party days are over. Mostly because even being handsome, rich and famous isn’t enough to overcome an opening line of “So, ever been out with someone who has HIV?”

Charlie Sheen went on “Today” to admit he is HIV positive, saying his party days are over. Mostly as a result of going on “Today” and admitting he is HIV positive.

A soccer match between Germany and the Netherlands was canceled for security reasons. In fact, the only games that are still scheduled are the ones with Scotland as even the terrorists know to stay away when the stands are full of drunk hooligans.

Ben Carson’s advisers say he is struggling to grasp foreign policy. Political experts are wondering why he just doesn’t adopt the same foreign policy as the other Republican presidential candidates and say he will bomb all of our enemies into oblivion.

An appeals court has allowed the NSA to continue with its phone surveillance program after it was stopped by a district judge. People were surprised. The NSA actually cares about what any judges have to say?

French President Francois Hollande’s forceful response to the terrorist attacks in Paris has drawn comparisons to former President Bush. Which has French soldiers worried that their next mission will be to invade Iraq.

KFC says it is planning on starting delivery service in L.A. and San Francisco. Anyone ordering the artery hardening fast food over the phone for delivery will then ironically be placed on a bucket list.

American Airlines says it will change its frequent fliers program to be based not on miles traveled but ticket prices. United Airlines was surprised at the move. There are people who fly on some airlines more than once?

American Airlines says it will change its frequent fliers program to be based not on miles traveled but ticket prices. The airline is not counting any additional fees as that could mean a lifetime pass for some fliers after just one trip.

The AMA is calling for a ban on advertising of prescription drugs and medical devices. At least until the pharmaceutical companies and medical engineers decide that doctors should get a piece of the action.

Lyft cofounder John Zimmer says when his daughter is 16 he won’t teach her to drive. Mostly because the last thing he wants for his children is to decide they want to use their car to drive around complete strangers for pocket change.

Lyft cofounder John Zimmer says when his daughter is 16 he won’t teach her to drive. Mostly because as a corporate CEO he will insist his kids be chauffeur driven around town in their own private limousine.

The federal agency that insures U.S. pensions posted a record deficit for 2015. People were shocked. There are still workers in the U.S. who have a pension?

A group of snowboarders is suing a Utah ski resort saying a ban of their sport amounts to discrimination. Which is ironic to use the word “discrimination” in skiing as the only thing whiter than the snow at most resorts are the people on the slopes.

A group of snowboarders is suing a Utah ski resort saying a ban of their sport amounts to discrimination. If the snowboarders lose their discrimination case, they will just have to spend their time at the private golf club, on the tennis courts or on the polo field.

A survey by the Bank of America says that 56% of business owners are optimistic about the U.S. economy. The other 44% have an outstanding business loan with Bank of America.

A survey by the Bank of America says that 56% of business owners are optimistic about the U.S. economy. Mostly because they feel if they are still in business after the past eight years they can pretty much make it through anything.

A study says that the ad industry accounted for 19% of the U.S. GDP in 2014. The bad news is other 81% went out to fast food, medical supplies and Rascal scooters.

A study says that the ad industry accounted for 19% of the U.S. GDP in 2014. Mostly trying to get people to spend the other 81% of their disposable income on all the things they can’t afford.

The U.S. has launched a major initiative to train tech workers. The goal is to someday have a work force of the best technicians who can finally figure out how to get the Obamacare website to actually work.

Tyson has recalled 52,000 pounds of chicken wings because of a bad odor. If they think those wings are making a bad odor now, they should try going into the men’s room at a Buffalo Wild Wings on an NFL Sunday afternoon.

Uber is offering a one day on-demand flu shot this week. Although they can’t help anyone with any of the other diseases they might catch after taking a ride inside a car with someone who drives for Uber.

Uber is offering a one day on-demand flu shot this week. The bad part is when the Uber driver pulls a hypodermic needle out of the glove box and tells you to drop your pants and bend over.

New York City has set a goal to screen all new moms for depression. Forget the new mom part of it, how about screening women for depression from having to live in New York City?

The AMA is pushing for warnings against smoking pot by pregnant women. Not because of the effects of the drug, they are more worried about their babies being subjected for nine months to nutrients from only pizza, doughnuts and Oreos.

The NBC show “Chicago Med” wants to give one piece of medical knowledge each week. The first piece of advice should be to quit sitting around all night watching TV.

The NBC show “Chicago Med” wants to give one piece of medical knowledge each week. Which being a show on NBC means the writers will be able to give out about three pieces of knowledge before the show is canceled.

Charlie Sheen says after being diagnosed as HIV positive fell into taking drugs, drinking and making bad decisions. Which were also pretty much the same reasons he became HIV positive in the first place.

Charlie Sheen says after being diagnosed as HIV positive fell into taking drugs, drinking and making bad decisions. In other words, it was pretty much life as usual.

Val Kilmer says he is on board to reprise his role as the Iceman if there is a “Top Gun 2.” Not to say that Kilmer is a little older and heavier than in the first movie, but the sequel is being written for him to ride around the military retirement home in a Rascal Scooter chasing the enemy down with his cane and a can of pepper spray.

Former “American Idol” winner Taylor Hicks’ two original albums will be available digitally for the first time. Which is much more convenient than the old way of buying his albums from the trunk of Justin Guarini’s car.

The Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year is the “face with tears of joy” emoji. An emoji was picked since the cellphone, texting and the Internet came along no one knows how to actually write words anymore.

Charlie Sheen says he paid millions of dollars to keep his HIV diagnosis a secret. After the information was leaked, it sounds like that was a worse investment than the drugs, booze and women that he spent all his money on that got him infected in the first place.

The Dixie Chicks have announced a tour for the summer of 2016. Who would have known their hiatus following their criticism of George W. Bush taking us into Iraq still didn’t last as long as the war?

Cincinnati Bengals owner Michael Brown says he regrets Carson Palmer leaving the team on bad terms. Although at least it was different in the way most other players leave the team, in handcuffs and leg irons in the back of a patrol car.

Anonymous says it has declares war against ISIS. Apparently they feel their chances at defeating an international terrorist organization are much more realistic than their failed attempts to take on an even more evil and corrupt group in the Wall Street bankers.

A report says that Microsoft is trying to shed its image as an easy mark for hackers. Mostly through getting hackers to give up on them after realizing they could never cause as much of a problem for computer users as Windows Vista.

A prehistoric tooth found in Russia dating back 50,000-70,000 years is leading to new information about long-lost human relatives. For one thing, in that part of Europe even back then they had better dental hygiene than they still do in England.

A study says that we are using our groundwater too quickly. To which most people in California are saying why even worry about groundwater when everyone knows that all our water comes from bottles?

A report says that 700,000 drones are expected to ship in the U.S. in 2015. The strange part is that half of those drones were bought by Amazon to help deliver the other half to their customers.

Texas Representative Joe Barton says the way to stop ISIS is by censoring the Internet. To which most people are asking how we are going to shut down ISIS if we can’t even keep the Internet free from Malware, Viagra ads and Nigerian princes?

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has ended his presidential campaign. Apparently as hard as he was trying, it was just impossible to sound even crazier than Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has ended his presidential campaign. Apparently it just wasn’t enough to keep him going knowing at least he was still out polling Rick Santorum, Lindsey Graham and George Pataki.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has ended his presidential campaign. Apparently he decided to throw in the towel after never being able to cross into the critical 1% popularity line.

Hillary Clinton says she will outline her plan to beat ISIS this week. To which anyone doubting her ability to squash an enemy just has to ask themselves when is the last time anyone has even seen a trace of Monica Lewinsky?

Chris Christie says the government has relocated refugees to New Jersey that he doesn’t even know about. Mostly because the government wanted to keep it a secret from everyone so the refugees didn’t find out they were being stuck in New Jersey.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am just glad that during all the turmoil going on around in the world you still check in every day here to get the latest attempts at bad humor. No matter what tragedies are taking place there is always room for something to laugh at. As long as it isn’t me. I appreciate you taking the time to check out the site and as always, please feel free to tell all your friends about the jokes and that they should try  it out and join in the fun. Hey, it’s better than wasting an entire afternoon on Candy Crush. If you have a few minutes where you aren’t on the site or telling your friends, make sure to also remember to take the time to send the love!

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