Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The WHO says that antibiotics resistance has reached dangerous levels globally. Which is fortunately no problem for Americans who don’t have to rely on antibiotics to treat their health issues with coronary disease, diabetes and high blood pressure.

CIA Director John Brennan is criticizing American privacy protection in the wake of the Paris attacks. Although people are skeptical. We gave them the ability to get into our computer and e-mails and they can’t even stop a few Nigerian princes.

CIA Director John Brennan is criticizing American privacy protection in the wake of the Paris attacks. How can we continue to be a free nation if people are actually wanting some personal freedom?

U.S. Capitol police in Washington, D.C. say there is no specific threat to the Capitol. Other than the usual threat that Congress will return to work and continue to mess things up as usual.

Donald Trump is calling for inspections of mosques in the U.S. for signs of terrorism. The presidential candidate says any building is suspicious that doesn’t have a large sign hanging on it with big block letters saying “Trump.”

Auction house Sotheby’s will offer employees a voluntary buyout to cut costs which could also lead to layoffs. The worst part is that workers will be notified they are being let go when their supervisor hands them their last check and says “Going once...” 

Uber drivers will now be allowed to give rides to customers as part of their morning commute. Which would be ironic for Uber workers who are on their way to work for a cab company.

A study says that the light from smartphones can cause sleep disruptions. Especially when the person’s wife is able to see who they have been texting.

McDonald’s is relaunching its dollar menu, selling two items for $2. The worst part is that profits have been slipping so much one of the items listed now is shares of McDonald’s stock.

A study says people’s desire to retire is not based on money as much as the freedom to enjoy life. Which can be enjoyed right up to the minute they run out of money and have to go back to work.

Taco Bell says it will start using cage free eggs by the end of next year. The only question for customers is when will they start using real beef and chicken?

Taco Bell says it will start using cage free eggs by the end of next year. Which means the only thing that the restaurant chain will keep in cages is its employees.

A California man is accusing Safeway of underfilling cans of tuna. To which Safeway says he should just think of it that they are actually just limiting their customers’ exposure to mercury.

A study has found more evidence that coffee is good for people. Especially the ones who know they are financially secure enough to get their morning cup every day at Starbucks.

Charlie Sheen went on TV to announce he is HIV positive. Which means he can pretty much drop that trademark he has on the phrase “Winning!”

New high tech glasses may be used for children with lazy eye instead of eye patches. Apparently the glasses come with one lens just blacked out.

New high tech glasses may be used for children with lazy eye instead of eye patches. Although what kid isn’t considered the coolest person at school when they show up looking like a pirate?

A study says that losing the sense of smell is an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Which explains why old people’s houses always have the exact same odor.

Stress trackers for smartphones are being sold for $150-$200. Which means they are put to the test just as soon as the person buying one has to figure out how they are going to pay off their next credit card bill.

A report says that falls and brawls are the top causes of eye injuries. Which means the report was obviously put together by researchers who have never seen the movie “A Christmas Story.”

A Stanford study says that holding kids back a year from Kindergarten can boost their mental health. Although it is equally as bad for the mental health of their mothers who have the kids running around the house for another year.

A Stanford study says that holding kids back a year from Kindergarten can boost their mental health. Although any kids who have to be held back from Kindergarten are probably not going to find themselves ever filling out an application to attend Stanford.

A poll says that teens and parents are both concerned about e-cigarettes. The parents are concerned that their teens are trying them out and the teens are worried that their parents will find out they are using them to smoke pot.

A study says that low levels of Vitamin D may be tied to impotence. Which would make it the greatest idea in history if it is found out the idea was thought of and paid for by the National Dairy Council.

A study says that low levels of Vitamin D may be tied to impotence. Which is OK with most men as long as they still have access to Vitamin Cialis, Vitamin Levitra and Vitamin Viagra.

Major League Baseball is selling “groupie” shoes on some of its teams’ websites. Apparently baseball players know that a woman is really a fan when she shows up wearing a pair of pumps that come with spiked soles.

Doctors say that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning will be able to play Sunday if he can manage the pain from a foot injury. The bigger question is whether Broncos fans can manage the pain of watching him in another no touchdown, four interception game.

A new company is hoping to make laboratory grown shrimp for human consumption. Although sea food restaurants are worried that they won’t be able to completely duplicate the natural ocean shrimp taste of pesticides, plastic and oil.

Google says its voice search can recognize people’s intent and meaning. Apparently it can now determine by a person’s tone exactly what kind of Internet porn they are looking for.

The California DMV is more than a year behind setting up rules for driverless cars. Which is still about three months ahead of most of the people who are standing in line waiting to renew their licenses.

A survey says that most Airbnb travelers have an average yearly income of more than $75,000. Which is coincidentally the average amount of damage done to the homes of people who make the mistake of renting to Airbnb.

A survey says that most Airbnb travelers have an average yearly income of more than $75,000. Which means they have too much money to want to risk staying at a Super 8 but not enough to stay at an upscale hotel where they could go broke at the minibar.

A survey says that 60% of businesses lack the resources to defend against a cyberattack. The other 40% of businesses pay their workers so little they go home and spend the rest of their day trying to make money by hacking into computer networks.

Ford has unveiled a new feature that allows drivers to set their car to stay at or slightly above the speed limit. To which rush hour freeway drivers in L.A. are saying “There are places where you can make it up to the speed limit?”

Ford has unveiled a new feature that allows drivers to set their car to stay at or slightly above the speed limit. Chrysler is considering a similar feature just as soon as they actually make a car that can go 55 miles an hour.

A report says that ISIS “geeks” are using phone apps and games to spread terror. Apparently the idea is to make everyone so distracted playing games and using apps they can pretty much just walk in and take over.

A report says that ISIS “geeks” are using phone apps and games to spread terror. Apparently they got the idea after seeing how easy it was for Nintendo to completely take over the minds of everyone under the age of 24.

Bernie Sanders says that concerning ISIS, we need to be “tough and not stupid.” To which most people aren’t really sure which one we are using for our current Middle East strategy.

Donald Trump says he will “go to war” on Ted Cruz if he moves up any more in the polls. If the Republicans are anywhere near as tough on ISIS as they are acting towards each other, if one of them wins it should take about a week to clean up the Middle East.

Feds seized $4.5 Billion in private property from Americans in 2014. To which the banks and mortgage companies are saying “Hey, we thought of it first!”

Feds seized $4.5 Billion in private property from Americans in 2014. The only bigger asset forfeiture was the money taken in by the airlines shaking down their passengers for all the new fees they keep inventing.

A poll says that President Obama has a 44% approval for his handling of both the economy and health care. Which means the other 56% are spending their time watching the Fox News Channel.

Republican presidential candidate George Pataki says the race is becoming a “reality gong show.” Although someone needs to tell him that anyone brining in less than one percent of the vote has pretty much officially been “gonged.”

Republican presidential candidate George Pataki says the race is becoming a “reality gong show.” Which became pretty apparent when it was announced the keynote address at next years convention will be given by Chuck Barris.

Mark Zuckerberg says that Facebook will be more intelligent than humans in another ten years. Which won’t be too hard, especially for the people who spend the next decade on Facebook posting pictures of all their meals and watching cat videos.

The Associated Press says the State Department is dragging its feet and could take another four years to release all of Hillary Clinton’s documents. The good news there is that will give Republicans more ammunition just in time for her run for reelection.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a lot of joke material with the news coverage still dominated by the Paris attacks. Stupid terrorists. Hopefully the people of France will recover quickly and get back to their regular routines and show the terrorists that not being afraid is the only way to win. Thought still going out to the people of Paris. Let’s all make sure that they are the ones to whom we all send the love!

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