Sunday, November 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Medical experts say a new malady called cybersickness causes people to become woozy from watching moving digital content. Although the motion sickness still isn’t as bad as the sudden stop from crashing into a tree from watching cat videos while driving.

A Google self-driving car was pulled over in California for going too slow. Just think how bad it will be with the autonomous cars that will be built by AOL.

The Bank of England says that robots could steal 80 Million jobs in the U.S. over the next few decades. Labor experts were shocked. There are still 80 Million jobs in the U.S.?

The Bank of England says that robots could steal 80 Million jobs in the U.S. over the next few decades. What’s even worse is that the robots will be built by other robots who are taking all the jobs we have outsourced over to China.

A Chicago woman was arrested after going into a pancake rage at a Dennys. She could be sentenced for up to a year in the grand slammer.

A Chicago woman was arrested after going into a pancake rage at a Dennys. Police say the woman either mistook the deal offered by the restaurant, was under the influence of alcohol or mistakenly thought she was at a Waffle House.

Thousands of men around the world participated in a global vasectomy-athon last week. The event was protested by the NRA as soon as they found out it would result in so many men being converted to shooting blanks.

A Texas teenager has died after reportedly committing suicide by being intentionally bitten by a cobra. Either that or his luck really turned and he was just snakebit.

A Massachusetts woman claiming to be a “pastafarian” was allowed to have her driver’s license picture taken while wearing a spaghetti strainer on her head. Although the DMV refused her request to be also wearing a fake mostaccioli.

A Massachusetts woman claiming to be a “pastafarian” was allowed to have her driver’s license picture taken while wearing a spaghetti strainer on her head. Apparently she called it her thinking capellini.

A report says the U.S. spends the most on health care of any country each year at more than $8,700 per capita. Although that number drops to less than half that when you don’t include the yearly cosmetic surgeries of Mickey Rourke, Pam Anderson and Cher.

A report says the U.S. spends the most on health care of any country each year at more than $8,700 per capita. And that doesn’t even include the millions of dollars of time wasted by Republican members of Congress just trying to repeal Obamacare.

A report says the U.S. spends the most on health care of any country each year at more than $8,700 per capita. That doesn’t even include the $20,000 per capita we spend on fast food, cigarettes and alcohol that puts all those people under a doctor’s care in the first place.

260,000 Kia Souls have been recalled for possible steering failures. It seems that the carmaker has just lost its direction.

260,000 Kia Souls have been recalled for possible steering failures. Anyone driving one of the cars that goes completely off course is now considered a lost Soul.

A study says the UK wastes more food than any other European country. Which happens the minute it is used to make any British recipes.

Billionaire Charles Koch in an interview called himself a “classical liberal.” Which could be true, at least when he compares himself to Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz.

Department store Nordstrom’s shares fell 15% in one day last week. The worst part was the salespeople having to explain to investors the store’s liberal return policy doesn’t include refunds on stocks.

Campbell’s Soup has recalled 350,000 cans of SpaghettiOs because of a possible choking hazard. Which happens when people try to eat a whole container of canned pasta.

A survey says that financial wellbeing of part time workers in the U.S. is about the same as for those who are unemployed. The worst part is that it is also about the same as the financial wellbeing of people who still have a full time job.

A survey says that financial wellbeing of part time workers in the U.S. is about the same as for those who are unemployed. Mostly because the unemployed people have learned to cut back spending on extravagances like food, clothing and housing.

The Postal Service has posted a loss so far this year of $5.1 Billion, down slightly from last year. Mostly because they aren’t as far behind, finishing up on delivering all the mail that was sent up to 2008.

Google is partnering with Home Advisor to match homeowners with contractors like plumbers, electricians and landscapers. Mostly for people whose homes are falling apart because they sit in front of the computer googling Internet porn all day.

The FDA has come up with new rules to make sure fresh fruits and vegetables are free of germs and contamination. Which is great news for the three Americans who still actually eat fresh fruit and vegetables.

A Boston artist has used bioengineering to recreate the severed ear of Vincent Van Gogh. To which many people in the art world responded with “What?”

A Boston artist has used bioengineering to recreate the severed ear of Vincent Van Gogh. Although many medical experts say it is just a poor impression.

A Boston artist has used bioengineering to recreate the severed ear of Vincent Van Gogh. To which admirers of Picasso say it is just too bad Van Gogh isn’t still around so he could have had it attached to his nose.

A study says that women are better than men at explaining their hearing loss. Mostly because men don’t need to explain a loss in hearing to their wives since they never listen to them anyway.

A study says that kitchen utensils can spread bacteria between different types of produce. Which means it is a good thing that most Americans can’t wait to use a knife and fork and just go at eating most their food with their hands.

A report says that doctors fear Lamar Odom has suffered serious brain damage. Which means if nothing else he can still fit right in as a regular on the next season of “The Kardashians.”

The head of NASA says it is time to clean up space junk orbiting the Earth. Which most people agree a good place to start would be to shoot down the satellites that beam down the programming for all the home shopping channels.

The head of NASA says it is time to clean up space junk orbiting the Earth. Which NASA claims to be responsible for since none of their launches ever actually make it all the way up into orbit.

A study by UC Berkeley will try to determine if ride sharing businesses like Uber and Lyft cut down on air pollution. The only problem is getting university researchers into the lab long enough to do the study from their second job as Uber drivers.

A study by UC Berkeley will try to determine if ride sharing businesses like Uber and Lyft cut down on air pollution. Which the answer is probably yes, as long as all the data is supplied by the people at Volkswagen.

The release of the “Fallout 4” video game reportedly cut down Internet porn traffic by 10%. The other 90% of video game players were apparently able to handle two joy sticks at once.

The release of the “Fallout 4” video game reportedly cut down Internet porn traffic by 10%. The other 90% of men weren’t distracted by a video game and could still look at online porn since they were at work.

Pope Francis I is telling people to put down their phones at the dinner table and have a conversation with each other. To which everyone under 18 are saying if their parents want a dinner time conversation they can just text them like everyone else.

Astronomers say they have found the most distant object in the Solar System. They mean besides Russell Crowe.

Astronomers say they have found the most distant object in the Solar System. Which is usually a man who has just been asked for the tenth time that night by his girlfriend “What are you thinking?”

A one third scale remote controlled model of an Aston Martin DB5 is selling for $42,000. To which any men wanting to spend that much money on a toy will find their wife will now be known as “Dr. No.”

A report says the hole in the Earth’s ozone layer is approaching record size. Scientists say they have never seen a hole that big that hasn’t come out of the autobiography of Dr. Ben Carson.

A study says that humans have been using bee products for more than 9,000 years. Which won’t change any as long as they can’t be outsourced cheaper to China, work without overtime pay and don’t try to unionize.

Federal workers are being warned not to tweet about their political views while on the job. Although no one knows why that would be a problem as it’s not like they are using their time on the clock to actually ever doing any work.

Federal workers are being warned not to tweet about their political views while on the job. For now they will just have to continue limiting their tweeting to how much they hate their job, wish they were somewhere else and need more than three hours for lunch.

Donald Trump’s lead in the polls has surged to 42% of the Republican primary vote. The scary part is that the other 58% thinks he needs to quit holding back so much and tell America what he really thinks.

Donald Trump’s lead in the polls has surged to 42% of the Republican primary vote. The scary part happens when Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson start thinking they need to go even more off the deep end to challenge him for the nomination.

Iowa supporters of Donald Trump are reportedly unfazed by his outburst where he called them “stupid.” Apparently they are waiting for their chance to vote for him and prove him absolutely right.

A developer is building a home in Los Angeles that will be put on the market for $500 Million. Which seems a bit out of the realm of reality when someone can still pick up a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima for just over half that price.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a good day for coming up with comedy as the world mourns the attack in Paris last week. All I can say is that I hope the city recovers and gets back to normal quickly, as that is the best way to beat the terrorists. Their goal is to disrupt people’s lives and the economy by making everyone too afraid to even go outside. I think we have empowered the terrorists by handing so much power over to the government, police and intelligence agencies thinking that it will keep us safe. What’s the point of being “safe” if you are living in a police state? I don’t mean to politicize a tragedy but I hate to see us trade freedom for security. One is useless without the other. Let’s all make the effort to send the love today to the people of France as they try to cope with yet another senseless tragedy.

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