Friday, November 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Brookings Institution says experts fear the end of hard news with the decline of newspapers. People were shocked by the report and immediately tuned in to “Entertainment Tonight” to see what the Kardashians had to say about it.

Scientists have identified a new STD called MG that could affect hundreds of thousands of adults. Researchers say people can protect themselves by using condoms, staying away from deprived areas and don’t date Paris Hilton.

Billionaire Jeff Greene says that Artificial Intelligence will destroy jobs at a record pace. Which if everyone ends up just sitting around all day doing nothing completely takes away all the fun of being a billionaire. 

A home in Rancho Santa Fe, California has reportedly used 13.8 Million gallons of water so far this year in the middle of the drought. The home’s owner is justifying it as a business venture, becoming the latest outlet of the Dick Cheney Institute of Waterboarding.

A home in Rancho Santa Fe, California has reportedly used 13.8 Million gallons of water so far this year in the middle of the drought. The home’s owner was surprised at the controversy. People don’t really expect them to jump into the same pool water twice?

Donald Trump is suggesting that Hillary Clinton is wearing a wig. At least that’s what the squirrel living on his head has been telling him.

Two twins were arrested for stealing identical items from a Wal-Mart in South Carolina. The worst part is how cliche it got when it was discovered they were caught taking packages of Double Mint gum.

Amazon has started a restaurant delivery service in some cities. Amazon guarantees delivery within a half hour with no more than two bites taken out of each sandwich.

The new “Star Wars” movie no longer refers to Leia as “Princess” but as a general. Which is the worst nightmare of conservatives who are afraid of a commander-in-chief wearing a bun who goes by the name Hillary.

San Diego State University has axed their homecoming king and queen and replaced them with gender neutral “royals.” People were shocked at the news. There are still schools that bother to have a homecoming king and queen?

Colorado Springs police will no longer have to take fitness tests. Which now makes it the safest city in the country in which to open a doughnut shop without the fear of being robbed.

An aging mobster has been acquitted in the Lufthansa Airline robbery of 1978. Which means the biggest unsolved airline ripoff in history still belongs to whomever came up with the idea of luggage fees.

Prosecutors say that Jared Fogle should be imprisoned for twelve and a half years. The recommended sentence was based on a formula of just over a year for every inch in a footlong.

More than 100 women are suing a company they claim improperly packaged birth control pills that resulted in them becoming pregnant. They say the only way a company could be more responsible in unplanned pregnancies is if a dating site were to accept Kevin Federline as a member.

The Bureau of Transportation says that Delta had the most on-time flights in September. United says it had more flights arriving on-time but then found out it doesn’t count for flights that originated in September of 2014.

HUD is proposing a smoking ban in all public housing homes nationwide. Which means residents will be able to live a longer life if they can just avoid the stray bullets and not get blown up in a meth lab explosion.

Some Wal-Mart workers are planning to fast in protest starting 15 days before Black Friday. Which Wal-Mart executives are now adopting as a new company sponsored health care plan to get their employees more fit.

The CEO of Popeyes when asked about higher wages for workers says “Life goes on.” Although just not for as long a time for the people who eat a lot of their meals at Popeyes.

A survey says that banks and pharmacies rate as having the best customer service in the U.S. Mostly because they go hand in hand as people end up taking all the money out of their bank account to pay their prescription medication bills.

A survey says that banks and pharmacies rate as having the best customer service in the U.S. The two work well together as people usually need to go to the pharmacy to get an antidepressant prescription after they get their monthly bank statement.

KFC is testing home delivery in some cities. Although the question for people who don’t have the energy to get in the car and go through the drive-thru is should you really be eating any more fried chicken?

A Pennsylvania woman says she found a black widow spider in a package of grapes. People were shocked at the news. Someone in Pennsylvania actually bought some fruit?

The CDC says the U.S. smoking rate has fallen to a new low of 17%. Which is good news for the other 83% who now only have to worry about being morbidly obese, diabetic and at risk of high blood pressure.

The CDC says that the obesity rate in adults is increasing while it is becoming stable for kids. Which just means that the adults are still a little bit faster at getting the last piece of chicken at the dinner table.

A study says that half of Americans with high blood pressure are not controlling it. Doctors say those people need to take their medications, eat a better diet and stop watching the financial news channels.

The FDA is seeking public input on the use of the word “natural” on food labels. It’s just too bad that the FDA doesn’t have access to some kind of nutritional experts that could maybe come up with the standards on their own.

The FDA is seeking public input on the use of the word “natural” on food labels. A good starting point might be to exclude the term for any foods that are pink, magenta or neon green.

A study says that mosquitoes are repelled by Victoria’s Secret perfume. Mostly because the mosquitoes know they can’t subsist off the nutrients from a bagel eaten last month that are in the blood of any of the lingerie models.

A study says that mosquitoes are repelled by Victoria’s Secret perfume. As opposed to most people who are repelled by the scent of Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend Fragrance.

A study says that people don’t have to swear off junk food and soda to lose weight. They also don’t have to swear off tobacco to stop smoking or give up alcohol to get sober but it sure helps.

A study says that women have overtaken men for the highest obesity rate. Which means that the biggest threat to women’s wellbeing isn’t the glass ceiling but walking across a glass floor.

Microsoft claims its Project Oxford claims it can tell the emotions of people from their selfies. Which judging by the people taking the most selfies, the one emotion that can pretty much be eliminated is “thoughtful.”

Christie Brinkley says that she would “never make it” in today’s modeling industry. Which means she would have had to follow the lead of other women looking to become rich and famous through reality TV, a Youtube channel or sex tape.

The members of the boy band One Direction says they are taking an indefinite hiatus. Which means that the one direction the band will be taking from here on out will be pretty much straight down.

David Hasselhoff has legally changed his last name to “Hoff.” Apparently he was tired of having such a long last name and just wanted to get rid of the hassle.

Metta World Peace says the Lakers are struggling because they have “fish brains.” Which means they had better be extra careful anytime they play against the Grizzlies, Nets or Pelicans.

Steve Williams has written a book where he says being Tiger Woods’ caddie was like being a “slave.” He complained of having to pick up Woods’ clubs that he would flip towards the bag. Which is otherwise known as being a caddie.

Steve Williams has written a book where he says being Tiger Woods’ caddie was like being a “slave.” People were upset because a slave is someone who is forced into work for no money. Which is more in line with being one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses.

Ohio State quarterback J.T. Barrett was video taped telling an officer arresting him for drunk driving “I am the quarterback of OSU.” The worst part is that after the policeman saw the condition he was in said “Nice to meet you, Mr. Manziel.”

The U.S. Army says it wants to develop a backpack that generates electricity from the walking motion of the person carrying it. Which could then power a fan to cool down the person who is overheated from carrying around a 50 pound backpack.

A study says that electric cars are responsible for less greenhouse gas emissions than the most efficient gas vehicles. Which is still not as good as Volkswagen diesels which company reports still claim to only emit oxygen and fragrant aromas.

Amnesty International says it wants the U.N. to ban killer robots. Although who needs to make any more machines that can kill people when thousands of people are already being killed using their iPhone behind the wheel.

President Obama says that Donald Trump’s immigration plan would cost hundreds of billions of dollars. In other words, it would be a medium priced government project.

President Obama says that Donald Trump’s immigration plan would cost hundreds of billions of dollars. To which Trump says he would handle like his private companies. Borrow the entire amount and then declare bankruptcy.

Donald Trump says that Marco Rubio wants amnesty because he is Hispanic. As opposed to Trump who wants to deport all undocumented aliens because he isn’t.

Donald Trump says he never claimed that Americans’ wages are too high. He says he just meant the few Americans who still actually have a job.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! Kind of a slow news day today. Think I will just chill over the weekend and give it another go on Monday. In the meantime, hopefully things are slow enough where you still have enough time to send the love!

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