Thursday, November 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Facebook wants to push news headlines and updates to smartphones with a new app. The technology is so fast that people will be able to read about how they crashed their car into a tree before impact without having to look up from the device that caused them to swerve off the road.

Justin Bieber is giving away albums with taxi rides. Which the way his career is going, he is just a couple of years from being able to hand them out to the passengers in the back seat himself.

The movie “Concussion” is delivering a hit to the NFL as it links blows to the head with dementia. Which is ironic considering all the brain damage caused by the film industry from people hitting their heads after spending $8 to watch an Adam Sandler movie.

Michael Phelps says he “didn’t want to be alive” after a DUI arrest but was reportedly helped by former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. Mostly because Lewis is already on the record as helping two other people not be alive anymore.

Montreal has begun a controversial sewage dump of 1.75 Billion gallons of raw sewage into the St. Lawrence River. Officials say it will not affect the quality of the drinking water. Mostly because how much worse can the water supply get being already downstream from Quebec?

Marco Rubio says that philosophy majors would be better off getting jobs as welders. To which most philosophy said that would be a decision they would consider only after some long term contemplation.

Marco Rubio says that philosophy majors would be better off getting jobs as welders. Mostly because it’s obvious there is no place for philosophers in the party whose frontrunners for President are Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz.

French officials have canceled plans for a formal dinner with the Iranian President because of dispute over the menu. Apparently it came down to whether it is better to serve a white or red wine with a Jihad.

Slovenia is building a razor wire fence in order to control the flow of migrants. Which is good to know for Donald Trump that if the presidential campaign doesn’t work out here there is always somewhere else that may be willing to take him on as their leader.

Facebook says that government requests for data from users’ accounts jumped 18% this year. Apparently intelligence agency workers want some of the recipes from the meals people post and to catch up on all the latest cat videos.

The Census Bureau says that 36.4% of American women age 18-34 are still living with their parents. Mostly because their parents are begging them to stay at home instead of marrying their college sweetheart who has only been able to find a job at the 7-Eleven.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is raising the minimum wage of $15 an hour for all workers across the state. Which is good news for the people who will now be considered hopelessly poor instead of completely destitute.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is raising the minimum wage of $15 an hour for all workers across the state. Which is great news for people working in Manhattan who will now be able to make enough money to cover the cost of garage parking for their car.

Joe’s Crab Shack is testing a no tip model in all their restaurants. Mostly for the men who have enough trouble telling their wives that they got crabs from a waitress without admitting to having given them money for it.

Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg has been chosen by the Navy to be a sponsor of their newest submarine. Although some people were confused why they picked an executive from Facebook when it is obvious they should have gone with someone from Periscope.

A survey says that Americans spend an average of $3,000 on lunch each year. Of course, that total would be a lot higher if it included the cost of the eventual heart bypass surgery for the people who eat their lunch every day at McDonald’s.

An evangelist minister has criticized Starbucks for being part of the “war on Christmas” for serving coffee in a plain red cup. Although he completely ignored how the company is affecting the holiday when people spend $8 for a cup of coffee and have no money left for Christmas shopping.

The President of Egypt says tourists to his country are “safe.” Although in all honesty anyone who is concerned about safety is probably not putting a trip somewhere in the Middle East very high up on their travel destination list.

A study says that a new vaccine could prevent high cholesterol. Which would be ironic for the people who need the shots from eating doughnuts every day that are injected with jelly, custard and creme filling.

A study says that meditation reduces pain by 44%. Although it goes up 56% for the people who have to listen to them chanting nonstop for hours at a time.

A study says that meditation reduces pain by 44%. At least compared to the pain people who use medications suffer when they get their prescription bill.

A study says that one in five patients who are readmitted to hospitals after emergency surgery are there because of infections. The other four also developed infections but weren’t readmitted because they maxed out on their health insurance limit.

An Arkansas man was injured when his e-cigarette exploded. Medical officials were shocked. People in Arkansas are usually blown up with using propane heaters in their trailer, deep frying a turkey on the porch or trying to start a bonfire with gasoline.

A study says that strong legs are linked to healthier brain aging. Mostly because of the people who are getting Alzheimer’s Disease whose legs are worn out from covering twenty miles trying to make it back home on what was just supposed to be a walk around the block.

Researchers say that a sick sense of humor may signal the onset of dementia. Which means it could be tough to tell who is suffering from dementia and who is just plain demented.

Researchers say that a sick sense of humor may signal the onset of dementia. Which is not to be confused with people wanting to forget they just spent $10 to go to a comedy club and see Dane Cook.

A Florida woman has found a kidney donor through dating site Tinder. Although it isn’t still sure if the man donating the kidney fully understood what the woman meant when she said she wanted him for his organ.

A Florida woman has found a kidney donor through dating site Tinder. Which disappointed the man who said he was looking for someone to share his heart with and she said “I’m thinking a little lower and to the left.”

A report says that Earth’s greenhouse gas levels set a record in 2014. Which is what happens when they decide to leave measuring the air pollution levels across the planet to the people at Volkswagen.

Jason Priestly reportedly suffered a concussion when he was thrown off a horse. Which is ironic in that having some sort of brain damage was required for all the actors during the casting of the original “Beverly Hills 90210.”

Sandra Bullock says her worst experience in her career was experiencing sexism. Which is a pretty serious charge coming from someone who went through being married to Jesse James for five years.

Sandra Bullock says her worst experience in her career was experiencing sexism. It would have been so much easier to be plain looking and not have to go through all that adoration, adulation and being paid $20 Million to make a movie.

Rowan Atkinson, better known as “Mr. Bean” was granted a divorce in just 65 seconds. Which was fast until you consider Britney Spears had two marriages that didn’t last that long.

The cast of TLC’s “7 Little Johnstons” say they want social acceptance and not just celebrity. Although after looking at the Kardashians, the family of “Honey Boo Boo” and the “Duck Dynasty” clan, people should know the last place to get social acceptance is through reality TV.

A doctor says that the injuries to Indianapolis quarterback Andrew Luck are more consistent with those from a car crash. Which makes it more amazing there aren’t more injuries on the Detroit Lions who each week deal with a different train wreck.

Apple is working on a payment service that allows people to pay each other over their devices. That way they don’t have to look away from their iPhone and continue to completely ignore the people they have been eating lunch with even when it comes to settling the restaurant bill.

A new beer mug is able to track how many drinks a person had and call them a cab. The only thing it is lacking is being able to call ahead to the Emergency Room after their wife catches them sneaking in drunk at 3:00 in the morning.

Microsoft is adding the ability to recognize emotion so computers can sense the user’s mood. Mostly when the user approaches the computer with a hammer after waiting a half hour for their Windows Vista just to try and boot up.

AAA wants automakers to start putting spare tires back in cars instead of inflator kits for improved fuel economy. A better way to reduce the car’s weight for better mileage would be for the driver and passengers to lose the spare tires they have around their middle.

Jeb Bush says he is a “better bet” to run against Hillary Clinton. Which is pretty bad when candidates are trying to sell themselves by saying they won’t lose by as much as anyone else.

A study says that student loans are making it harder for Americans to retire. Especially the ones who took out loans for their kids to go to college not realizing they won’t be able to support them in their old age when the only job they could get is with 7-Eleven.

Bob Dole has endorsed Jeb Bush for President. Which is being taken very seriously by political experts. Who else knows better what it takes to lose to a Clinton in a presidential election than Bob Dole?

A report says that companies keep chipping away at employees’ health insurance benefits. People don’t go to the doctor when they know that getting sick is now a reason to be fired for cause.

A poll says that Americans’ disapproval of Congress is at a record tying 86%. Political experts were shocked. Who are the 14% of people who think that Congress is doing a good job?

A poll says that Americans’ disapproval of Congress is at a record tying 86%. Unfortunately it is the other 14% of people who are the only ones who show up at the polls to send those people back to Washington at every election.

Donald Trump says that Americans’ wages are “too high.” Apparently we are being spoiled by all those foreigners who are coming into this country and taking away all the low paying jobs that should rightfully belong only to our own citizens.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note from the music world as session drummer Andy White has died at age 85. He is pretty much unknown to most people other than Beatles fans who remember him as the drummer on the Beatles’ first single “Love Me Do” and “P.S. I Love You.” Ringo had just joined the band and producer George Martin was unhappy with the results of his playing so White was brought in. He was reportedly paid 5 pounds for the gig so Ringo eventually had the last laugh on that one. It’s always sad to lose anyone connected with the phenomenon of the Beatles, and he had a pretty big part right at the beginning. Just something to think about today while you put on one of your old Beatles records and take the time to remember to send the love!

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