Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An analysis says that overseas elections are missing polling estimates because of underestimations of support for radical fringe candidates. Which is just more good news for the campaigns of Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

A 323,000 square foot underground doomsday shelter in the Czech Republic is the largest in the world and was built to house its billionaire inhabitants from war, disease or personal threats. Or just to get away from having to live in the Czech Republic.

Oklahoma has been ranked as the number one earthquake center in the world. Which is great for anyone who wants to live the California experience without the traffic, smog or fear of having to drive on the same roads with Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson.

Scientists have aged the face of Prince George to how he will look as a 60 year old man. Which turns out to be almost identical to Prince Charles without the grimace from being married for ten years to Camilla.

NSA workers are reportedly suffering from low morale after the revelations of Edward Snowden. Or possibly from finally realizing their daily job duties violate every single principle of freedom guaranteed to Americans in the U.S. Constitution.

A study says that fat around a person’s middle can double the risk of an early death. Although it can be a lifesaver to have a 54 inch waistline to absorb the shock of hitting the steering wheel when crashing in a car with Takata airbags.

A study says that obesity is causing heart problems in children as young as eight. Remember the days when the biggest medical fear of elementary school children was being infected with cooties?

A study says that obesity is causing heart problems in children as young as eight. Remember when recess was time for kids to have milk and cookies and not being reminded to take their blood pressure medications?

A study says that obesity is causing heart problems in children as young as eight. It used to be that the only number grade school kids were concerned about was their test scores and not their cholesterol count.

Pope Francis I says the Catholic Church should shun its obsession with power and money. Although at least that is a more positive distraction for the priests that otherwise are obsessed with ten year old altar boys.

Pope Francis I says the Catholic Church should shun its obsession with power and money. Which is interesting coming from a man the church claims to be infallible and who encourages members to fork over a percentage of everything they own.

Pizza Hut has debuted a triple decker pizza box that is filled with pizza, breadsticks and dessert. Anyone who finishes the whole meal will get the fourth box which fits into the back of a hearse.

Russian Olympic athletes could face punishment over a widespread state sponsored doping scandal. Apparently suspicions were raised when it was discovered the Russians had hired Lance Armstrong as a training consultant.

Russian Olympic athletes could face punishment over a widespread state sponsored doping scandal. If it is anything like what happens in the U.S., athletes found guilty of taking performance enhancing drugs could face the possibility of a long term, multi million dollar contract in the NBA, MLB or NFL.

The term “drunk texting” has been added to dictionary.com along with “bestie” and “yaaas.” All three were added because when most people see the words bestie and yaaas they are usually sent in a drunk text.

University of Missouri police are asking students to report any hateful or hurtful speech. Which most students usually aren’t subjected to until after they graduate and collection agencies come around for payments on their student loans.

John Kerry says that climate change impacts armies as well as polar bears. Which confused a lot of people who are asking if that means we are now at war with the polar bears.

John Kerry says that climate change impacts armies as well as polar bears. Which means we will instead only start invading countries with large oil reserves that are in the northern latitudes.

Hillary Clinton says she will upgrade the VA computer system to fix the waiting list issues. Although she may not be the one to consult as she is the one who caused a three year congressional investigation just from changing her e-mail server.

U.S. Soccer has banned kids 10 and under from heading the ball. Which means they should just go ahead and change the name of the organization to U.S. Kickball.

U.S. Soccer has banned kids 10 and under from heading the ball. Although at that age level most head injuries in a soccer game come from when the goalie gets distracted and bumps into the goalpost while doing cartwheels.

Campbell’s is dropping ten ingredients from its chicken soup recipe. Customers are now hoping there will be enough room left in the cans so that they can actually instead put in some chicken.

Campbell’s is dropping ten ingredients from its chicken soup recipe. Most people were surprised. Why are there ten ingredients necessary to make chicken soup?

A company has listed the ten most expensive zip codes in the U.S., with the top spot going to Atherton, California. An area makes the list when the median home price has twice as many digits as the zip code.

The U.S. is suing to block United Airlines from expanding their operations at Newark Liberty International Airport. Although United says it’s necessary because Newark is one of the few places where people are so desperate to get out they will actually book a flight on United.

Hotel booking app HotelTonight is laying off 20% of their staff. The people whose jobs were cut are now having to look for a place to stay using the app ParkBenchTonight.

China’s biggest one day shopping spree called Singles Day took place this week where people who are single buy themselves gifts. In the U.S. Singles Day is considered the day after forgetting to buy your wife an anniversary gift.

The toy industry is expecting its biggest year in decades. Apparently there are a lot of ten year olds who are longing for the good old days before they got their first iPad when they were two.

A report says that airline income is up 18.8% from passenger fees that will total more than $59 Billion this year. It’s getting so bad even Las Vegas casinos are hiring the airlines as consultants to show them how to squeeze even more money from the public.

A Cincinnati hospital was round not liable for an employee’s post that revealed a patient who had an STD. People were surprised at the news. What was Paris Hilton doing in Cincinnati?

A study says that shifts in a person’s sense of humor can be a sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the person telling the joke forgets the punch line, set up and ends their routine with “Goodnight Cleveland!” when they are performing in Milwaukee.

A study says that shifts in a person’s sense of humor can be a sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Although it’s a sign of a much more serious condition when someone actually starts to laugh at Dane Cook.

The CDC says that women are spurning the most effective types of birth control. Which for most pregnant women turns out to be sobriety.

A study says that children with heart defects do worse in school than their peers. Mostly because it’s hard to get motivated to pass third grade when they know in the fourth grade they will be getting a bypass.

A study says that children with heart defects do worse in school than their peers. Especially the ones who don’t have to worry so much about bullies giving them a wedgie as trying to unplug their pacemaker.

IBM supercomputer Watson is going to work with Boston Children’s Hospital to combat childhood diseases. Apparently Watson wants to give back after a sickly childhood where he spend several months in the repair shop when he was just an iPad.

A study says a simple blood test can help identify kids who have concussions. Apparently the first sign is when the blood in question is pouring out of the kid’s eyes, nose and ears.

A study says that heavy drinking may dramatically increase the risk of heart failure. Especially when the drinking was brought on after the patient got their most recent cardiologist’s bill.

Snoop Dogg has unveiled his own line of cannabis products. It will be a part of his latest tour which will play at venues all over Colorado then to Washington and back.

A terminally ill fan who was allowed to get an early screening of the latest “Star Wars” movie has died. To which other fans are saying “Some people have all the luck.”

Sony says it will stop making Betamax video tape next year. Apparently they decided to end production when they realized they have three warehouses full of the tape and haven’t sold one since 1983.

Sony says it will stop making Betamax video tape next year. Which comes as bad news for the people who are thinking if they drop Betamax, it’s only a matter of time before they also have to switch over to cassettes from 8-track.

The Chevrolet Colorado truck has been chosen as the most fuel efficient diesel. Apparently Chevy says things got a whole lot better with their mileage and emissions as soon as they started taking advice from the people over at Volkswagen.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has now moved up to being ranked the fourth richest man in the world. Although there is a rumor now that those drones Amazon has been building aren’t going to be used for delivery as much as hunting down the top three.

Two fantasy sports sites have been ordered to shut down in New York by the state’s attorney general. Which means the only fantasy sports available in New York is for the people who think the Knicks actually have a chance at making the NBA playoffs.

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the cause of which is still a mystery. Although a bigger mystery to most people is who was Edmund Fitzgerald?

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the cause of which is still a mystery. Although many people are more curious as to whatever happened to the career of Gordon Lightfoot.

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the cause of which is still a mystery. Although how much of a mystery can it be that a ship sailing into hurricane force winds carrying a cargo of metal ore ended up at the bottom of a lake?

Scientists say that Egypt’s Great Pyramid in Giza has mysterious heat spots. Which could turn out to be a disaster, especially if it gets hot enough to pop all the corn that Ben Carson says is being stored inside.

Cuba says it sees eased travel to the U.S. by the end of the year. Which means part of the end of the embargo will be to allow Amazon to ship inflatable rafts directly to the island.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Republican debate was last night. It’s no fun now that they are actually talking about issues and not letting Trump just insult all the other candidates. Just think, another year of this before we actually get them to shut up by voting one of them in to the White House. Then it will be on to start the campaign for 2020. At least it gives me something to write about. In the meantime, all of you always have something to write about. All you ever need to do is take a few minutes every day to remember to send the love!

No comments: