Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A legally blind barber in Massachusetts was awarded $100,000 after being wrongfully terminated from his job. There hasn’t been so much money paid to a blind barber other than the one who has worked the past 30 years on Donald Trump.

A study says that Americans over 30 are more miserable than ever. Mostly the ones who are still at that awkward age of being too old to be included on their parents health insurance but too young for Medicare.

China’s smog levels have reportedly climbed to 50 times higher than allowable recommendations from the WHO. The good news is that means they can now worry a little less about being sickened or killed as much by the toxins in their food and water.

The former U.S. Comptroller General says the U.S. debt is more realistically around $65 Trillion. Mostly from wasting so many taxpayer dollars on meaningless jobs like the comptroller general.

A survey says that only 7% of U.S. journalists are registered Republicans while 28% are registered Democrats. The other 65% realize from constantly covering candidates from both parties they can’t tell anymore which is worse.

A survey says that only 7% of U.S. journalists are registered Republicans while 28% are registered Democrats. Mostly because the typical Republican white middle class males were priced out of journalism years ago when the pay scale for all the jobs fell to minimum wage.

A survey says that only 7% of U.S. journalists are registered Republicans while 28% are registered Democrats. Media experts were shocked. No one had any idea that many news people had gone over to Fox News Channel.

A Democratic group is pushing for automatic voter registration when people get their driver’s licenses. Which is the real reason why Republicans who are trying to limit registration are so interested all of a sudden in pushing technology for driverless cars.

A poll says the more people learn about Jeb Bush, the less they like him. Mostly because they don’t trust anyone once they find out they want to run for President.

A poll says the more people learn about Jeb Bush, the less they like him. Mostly because he apparently doesn’t have the personable qualities like arrogance, egotism and an insulting demeanor that have made a frontrunner out of Donald Trump.

A report says that as many as 41% of all smartphone owners have been injured while using their device. Especially the ones whose wives have caught them sexting with other women.

A report says that as many as 41% of all smartphone owners have been injured while using their device. The other 59% have been smart enough to not leave it where it can be picked up and thrown at them by Naomi Campbell.

President Obama has started his own personal Facebook page. His goal is to see if he can find as many as three people in Kentucky who will actually friend him.

President Obama has started his own personal Facebook page. He is showing his age. Not only is he just getting onto Facebook, he signed on through his personal Internet Provider AOL.

The President of Nigeria has fired the chief of the country’s anti-corruption agency. Suspicions were aroused when the bureaucrat filled the agency’s board with members who are all Nigerian princes.

More than a dozen cars were damaged when a sinkhole opened up in a parking lot at an IHOP in Mississippi. People were shocked. There are people in Mississippi who eat breakfast at places other than the Waffle House?

A report says that climate change could create 100 Million poor and a half billion homeless people. Which would still have a ways to go to get even close to the record set by all the Wall Street banks during the 2007 mortgage crisis.

Target says it will open its stores again on Thanksgiving Day. Which will still leave shoppers plenty of time to get a new credit card before Christmas after their store account is stolen by hackers.

SeaWorld says it will end orca shows in San Diego by 2017. Instead its aquatics shows will consist of park goers being taken to the Pacific coastline and watching the immigrants try to swim their way into the U.S.

SeaWorld says it will end orca shows in San Diego by 2017. Critics were surprised, with their only response being “Holy mackerel!”

SeaWorld says it will end orca shows in San Diego by 2017. Animal rights groups are now concerned with the alternate shows that will feature harbor seals being forced to give a three hour concert on the air horns.

Regulators say that global banks are still too big to fail. To which the major banks are saying “Just watch us!”

The Lufthansa strike is reportedly costing the airline 10 Million Euros a day. Which is nothing considering the U.S. airlines make more than that just on luggage, water and blanket fees.

The University of Colorado medical school is giving back a $1 Million donation from Coca Cola. Apparently the school feels that the company has already done plenty in giving their graduates and those from their dental school more than enough business over the years.

Volkswagen says it will give a $1,000 goodwill package to all their customers who were affected by the diesel emissions scandal. Which is only fitting as many of those people find they can’t resell their cars and are ready to just donate them over to Goodwill.

The owner of the Tinder, Match and OkCupid dating sites is looking to raise $466 Million in an IPO. The only problem is that investors are a little wary that the company may just be attracted to them for their money and not for who they really are.

A study says that some widely used antibiotics have been linked to sudden cardiac related deaths. Although they still haven’t caused as many heart attacks as the people who got their bills from the HIV drug that saw its price go up to $750 a pill.

A study says that wealthy people are more likely to be able to get an organ transplant. Especially the ones who bring in their own group of poor people they have raised specifically for organ harvesting.

A study says that adolescent e-cigarette use is tied to breathing problems. The worst part is when they are diagnosed with e-tuberculosis, e-emphysema and e-bronchitis.

A study has linked Champagne with dementia prevention. Mostly because the people who can afford to drink Champagne are wealthy enough to have their dementia described instead as being distracted, flighty and scatterbrained.

The FDA for the first time is recommending a daily cap on sugar intake to no more than 10 percent of daily calories. The only problem is that leaves the other 90 percent of most Americans’ diets to still consist of fat, salt and alcohol.

Google is teaming up with the American Heart Association to find new ways to fight heart disease. The only problem is that most of the heart disease cases are caused by people sitting in front of their computer all day looking up things on Google.

Google is teaming up with the American Heart Association to find new ways to fight heart disease. Although it may not help that much as most people have learned not to trust any medical information they find by looking it up on Google.

A study says that adults who exhale high levels of carbon monoxide are at a greater risk of stroke. Either that or they have just recently bought a new Volkswagen diesel.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly been considering the names “Legend” and “Saint” for their unborn baby boy. Although if that is the case for either, West feels that the baby will also have to be labeled as “Junior.”

Katy Griffin says that her endorsing Hillary Clinton could chase away half the audience from her comedy shows. Which shouldn’t be a big deal as long as the other one still decides to show up.

Jessa Duggar was reportedly rushed to the hospital after suffering complications with the home birth of her son. To which her mom says the first one is always the most difficult, but it gets a lot easier by the time you reach number thirteen or fourteen.

Vivica A. Fox gave an interview where she implied her old boyfriend 50 Cent is gay. Which means he may have just seen his name increase in value by two and a half bucks up to “Three Dollar Bill.”

“Teen Mom” star Kail Lowry has written a book where she says she won’t judge the path taken by her co-stars. Mostly because they probably won’t follow her path just on the fact that she was actually able to write a book.

Pam Anderson says she has been cured of Hepatitis C. Which is also an answer to the “Jeopardy!” question as “What is the one thing that Pam Anderson could say that would make men think twice about dating her?”

Phil Mickelson has dropped out of the top 25 in world golf rankings for the first time in 20 years. Mostly because there is no reason to try anymore since his goal was to always finish ahead of Tiger Woods which he could do now playing right handed.

A Ford dealer in Massachusetts has hired a team of teenagers to help customers navigate through the cars’ technical features. Which is a tough job for the typical Ford buyer who still wishes the company would offer an option for curb finders.

Economists are reportedly concerned that a global trade slowdown could lead to the risk of a worldwide recession. The only question is at this point how would anyone be able to tell?

Dyson says it will bring a high end robotic vacuum cleaner to the U.S. next year that will cost $1,150. Which will be good news for customers if it does anywhere near the job on carpets and floors as it does sucking out everything from their wallets.

Futurist Ray Kurzweil says most disease will be wiped out in the next 15 years. The only question is for that to happen, what is going to be the cause of the closing of every single Taco Bell?

Futurist Ray Kurzweil says most disease will be wiped out in the next 15 years. Apparently it has something to do with Paris Hilton finally getting married and off the dating scene.

Futurist Ray Kurzweil says most disease will be wiped out in the next 15 years. Mostly because people are getting so fat that they will be dying from heart attacks and strokes long before they live to an age where they can develop any long term illnesses.

Scientists with the American Chemical Society say the perfect cheeses for a grilled cheese sandwich are Gouda, Gruyere and Manchego. That is, if you trust the judgment of a group of people who have never tasted a cheese product that didn’t come out of a box from Kraft.

Scientists with the American Chemical Society say the perfect cheeses for a grilled cheese sandwich are Gouda, Gruyere and Manchego. And who would know more about the palate of discriminating foodies than a bunch of scientists who spend their entire day trying not to blow themselves up with their latest chemical compound?

The fossils of rats as big as dogs have been discovered in southeast Asia. Which scientists have now identified as the smaller ancient ancestor of the modern New York City sewer rat.

The fossils of rats as big as dogs have been discovered in southeast Asia. Apparently they died off after the humans in the region took to domesticating the same sized dogs which they found to be much more tasty.

Chris Christie has banned bestiality from New Jersey. Apparently he wants to make sure no one is getting improperly intimate with any side of beef or whole barbecued pig before it ends up on his dinner plate.

Chris Christie has banned bestiality from New Jersey. It would have happened sooner but he didn’t want to risk shutting down production while they were still shooting episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The next Republican presidential debate is tonight on the Fox Business Channel. Which will sure to be filled with tough, insightful questions such as “Why are Republicans so much better than Democrats?,” “How did Hillary Clinton get to be so evil?” and “What will you do to fix all the damage in the world caused by President Obama?” It could actually pull in more viewers than any of the sitcoms on the other networks just for the potential comedic value. The only question is who will be more demonized, Donald Trump or the other media? We will all just have to tune in to find out the answers to all those questions. Or just to be entertained and pray none of the people on the stage actually have a chance of being elected. Although I still hope you will have enough of a need for some other comedy source and will as usual come back to this site tomorrow. And as always, if you get a few minutes during the debate commercial breaks make sure to take the time to remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have to assume your sentence “Or just to be entertained and pray none of the people on the stage actually have a chance of being elected.” is another joke, right? Because nobody in their right mind could want Hillary to be elected considering all the lies and unethical behavior, not to mention illegal activities she brings to the table. How soon some people forget the lies like “She was dead broke when she left the white house” or “She landed under sniper fire in Bosnia” or “Benghazi was caused by a video”. Her famous “What difference does it make” comment concerning the death of 4 Americans is a window to her soul and will follow her forever. It should be obviously to even a casual observer that a private server was an attempt to keep incriminating information away from public scrutiny. Many people will choose to remain blind to the facts and cast a vote for her. But she still must answer one day to God for her misdeeds, and she won’t be able to dodge that bullet. The other “choice” is Bernie Sanders, an admitted Socialist. With all the wonderful opportunities available in this country to make something of ourselves and become successful, only a lazy loser looking for handouts would want Socialism. You seem to be a smart individual. So yes, your comment must have been a joke, since the better choices will be debating Tuesday night.