Sunday, November 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A survey says that three quarters of Americans have changed their online behavior because of the threat of cybercrime. Mostly by making sure they they won’t get caught by changing to a fake name on their Ashley Madison account.

A survey says that three quarters of Americans have changed their online behavior because of the threat of cybercrime. Mostly by changing their password from “password” to “12345.”

Redskins wide receiver Pierre Garcon has filed a class action lawsuit against a fantasy sports company. Although the biggest sports fantasy in football is still the Redskins fans who think their team has a shot at getting to the Super Bowl.

Redskins wide receiver Pierre Garcon has filed a class action lawsuit against a fantasy sports company. Although it is going to be hard to get any credibility in court when the defense points out that Pierre Garcon is French for “Pete the waiter.”

United Airlines says it will stop outsourcing airport jobs next year. Mostly because hiring even cheaper help has caused most of their passengers to outsource their travel plans to Greyhound Bus.

Experts are asking why there are not more smartphone apps available for mental health. Although the best way to identify people who have mental health issues are the ones who signed on for service with AT&T.

Data says that men 65 and older spend the most money with Apple last year. Which they then brought home and had to pay their grandchildren even more to show them how they work.

Data says that men 65 and older spend the most money with Apple last year. Especially the ones who like that Apple products are user friendly and are the easiest to figure out how to be able to sign up for an account on Myspace.com.

Amazon is reportedly considering its own line of clothing. Apparently it is for people who think that Wal-Mart fashions are just a little too upscale and pricey for what they need.

Amazon is reportedly considering its own line of clothing. Which might not be a good idea. What woman is going to want to buy clothes from a company named for oversized female warriors?

Fiat Chrysler is recalling nearly 900,000 recalls of vehicles for brake and airbag issues. Owners are being urged that until they can get the car into the dealer to make sure to drive only with a good thick pillow in their lap.

Fiat Chrysler is recalling nearly 900,000 recalls of vehicles for brake and airbag issues. Fortunately the defects are only a problem for the small minority of Chrysler owners who can actually get their cars out of the driveway.

GOP candidates are meeting to take control of the presidential debates from the RNC. For one thing, they want the networks hosting the debates to stop promoting them as part of their comedy lineup.

GOP candidates are meeting to take control of the presidential debates from the RNC. Apparently they are demanding the moderators not ask them any questions they wouldn’t pose to any of the contestants at the Miss America pageant.

A report says a record breaking amount of cash is flowing into the U.S. Mostly from Chinese investors who want to buy a nice house to stay in when they foreclose on the country when we default on all their loans.

Vatican exorcists say increasing occult activity by young people fuels insomnia, mental illness and depression. Although the real cure isn’t performing an exorcism as much as it is getting them off their iPhones for 16 hours a day.

The Arctic is attracting new military activity by the U.S. and Russia. Mostly because both feel they have a better chance at fighting seals and polar bears than what they have come up against invading the Middle East.

A study says that cats are neurotic and are out to kill their owners. Fortunately for cat owners, survival is possible by possessing the two things that keep cats from becoming rogue killing machines. A can opener and ball of yarn.

Medicare has authorized paying doctors for consulting with patients about end-of-life care. Which is mostly confined to people whose employee health care plans give them membership in an HMO.

Medicare has authorized paying doctors for consulting with patients about end-of-life care. Which for most doctors, the talk is necessary when their patients develop an illness not covered under their health care plan.

A study says that interrupted sleep is worse for a person’s mood than shortened sleep. Especially when the sleep is interrupted by hearing their partner sneaking back into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that low fat and low carb diets don’t work in the long term. Mostly because low fat and low carb diets only work when they are combined with the one that calls for low food.

Some high schools around the country are offering yoga classes toward their physical education requirements. People were surprised. There are high schools that still have physical education requirements?

Experts say the extra hour from the end of Daylight Saving Time doesn’t make up for lost sleep. Mostly because to do that, people would have to turn their clocks back to 2007 before they had to start working three jobs to make ends meet.

A study says that singing to babies keeps them calm longer than talking to them. Especially when their parents are talking to them about how the economy they brought them into means they won’t be able to retire until they are 93 years old.

A study has mapped where men and women say where it is OK to be touched. Although  the part of the study had to be thrown out where Jared Fogle was asked and he said “You mean by a ten year old?”

A study says that facelifts do little to boost people’s self esteem. Especially when they come out looking like the ones on Bruce Jenner, Carrot Top and Kenny Rogers.

Skippy has recalled hundreds of cases of peanut butter that may have been contaminated with metal shavings. The FDA demanded the company pull them and not go ahead with their plan to sell them with the slogan “Now with more iron!”

A University of Maryland professor says he has solved the cause of death of Oliver Cromwell back in 1658. Which gave conservatives more ammunition in their fight against national health care plans for taking more than 350 years for a simple diagnosis.

Music producer Jerry Heller has filed a lawsuit over the movie “Straight Outta Compton” for portraying him as a bad guy. Apparently his reputation was forever tarnished by being identified as the person who produced the first album of gangsta rap.

“Teen Mom 2” star Leah Messer says she is “angry” and “hurt” over losing custody of her twins to her ex-husband. Although when someone from “Teen Mom 2” loses custody of their kids no one is really “surprised” or “shocked.”

“Teen Mom 2” star Leah Messer says she is “angry” and “hurt” over losing custody of her twins to her ex-husband. Although it does free her up to try to start another family when they start filming the show “Middle Aged Waffle House Waitress Moms.”

Justin Bieber stormed out of a concert in Norway when a fan spilled water on the stage. Usually the only water on the stage at a Justin Bieber concert is the tears of the fans realizing how much money they threw away buying front row seats to see Justin Bieber.

Harrison Ford says he had amnesia after his near fatal plane crash earlier this year. Which was good because for awhile it at least made him forget he starred in “Random Hearts.”

Harrison Ford says he had amnesia after his near fatal plane crash earlier this year. Which was no surprise because at his age he usually has the same problem every time he tries to figure out where he left his car keys.

Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter’s arrest records have reportedly vanished. Apparently it had something to do with a mixup with federal arrest records in that “Jim Bob Cooter” is pretty much the southern states’ equivalent of “John Doe.”

The Air Force has launched a new GPS satellite into orbit. Which is good news for people with smartphones who can use the technology to figure out where they are after getting lost from walking around while never taking their eyes off their cellphone screen.

The Air Force has launched a new GPS satellite into orbit. Which can be used to find out where all those NASA rockets they have launched over the years ever ended up.

A study says that self-driving cars actually hike the accident rate even though they aren’t at fault in the crashes. Mostly because the human drivers don’t expect other cars to stay in the correct lane, stop at red lights and turn in the direction they are signaling.

A report says that dozens of shipwrecks along the U.S. coastlines are a threat to start leaking oil. Even worse is the fact that most of them are Carnival Cruise ships that could start polluting the oceans with buffet table leftovers.

Facebook will soon allow users to change the names on their accounts if they can give a good reason. Which for most men is that they are scared to death that their wives will find out who they are messaging all the time.

Facebook will soon allow users to change the names on their accounts if they can give a good reason. The best reason is for anyone who can’t get anyone to friend them because their real name is actually Jared Fogle.

The White House has announced a plan to modernize the federal government’s cybersecurity practices. Which pretty much just amounts to telling all government employees to delete any e-mails they ever got from Hillary Clinton.

A computer scientist analyzed millions of selfies to find out what characteristics were common in the ones that are most popular. Not surprisingly, he found out that the selfies that got a lot of online hits were pretty much the ones of pretty women who are naked.

Researchers say that the builders of Stonehenge may have hosted massive cookouts where thousands of revelers feasted on meat. Which means the prehistoric stone monument may be nothing more than the world’s first open barbecue pit.

The federal air marshal program is under fire in Congress with suggestions the endeavor is wasteful and unnecessary. Especially from airline lobbyists who say those agents represent thousands of seats a year that could be sold to a paying passenger.

Donald Trump has announced a plan he says will make veterans’ health care better. Although the easiest way to ensure the good health of our soldiers would be to stop sending them off to invade a different country every few years.


The Pittsburgh Steelers wore black and yellow striped uniforms in their game against the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday. At least we know now what that guy who dressed like a Bumblebee did with all his outfits after the cancellation of "Sabado Gigante."

The Pittsburgh Steelers wore black and yellow striped uniforms in their game against the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday. It was just confusing to see the Bengals not the team with the players wearing prison stripes.
 
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Royals won Game 4 of the World Series which means by the time you read this they may have already wrapped it up. Or they may be going back to Kansas City for Game 6. Or they may be still stuck somewhere in the middle of the 23rd inning. In any event, I always dread the end of the ‘Series because it means that summer is officially over. Which used to be a little more significant back in the days when the baseball season didn’t bleed over into November. Not only is baseball about to end, that just leaves us with football which for a Raiders fan like myself means pretty much just waiting for the beginning of spring training again in March. Oh, well. It could be a long winter on the way. But you can always get me through the coldest months by keeping me warm just by remembering once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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