Friday, October 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Mike McCarthy dropped out of the race to replace House Speaker John Boehner saying he “didn’t want to be the guy who divided the country.” That’s not a problem since that has already been taken care of by Boehner, Mitch McConnell and President Obama.

NASA says it has now found water on Pluto. To which the people of California are saying “Nice going. Now why don’t you start looking for some around here?”

A new blood test can reportedly predict if a heart attack is imminent. Mostly when the blood test is taken from someone who is clutching their chest while not being able to breathe.

A new blood test can reportedly predict if a heart attack is imminent. Especially right after the patient gets the bill for their blood work.

A Colorado high school went into lock down after a student showed up in a Halloween costume that consisted of a gas mask and a trench coat. It turned out the student was simply getting ready to make a trip to the rest room.

A Colorado high school went into lock down after a student showed up in a Halloween costume that consisted of a gas mask and a trench coat. Apparently the real problem with a student showing up dressed for Halloween in early October is that they are in high school and still can’t read a calendar.

A study says that government workers make $52,000 more a year in salary and benefits than people in the private sector. Except for the country’s top executive Barack Obama who makes $400,000 a year while corporate CEOs get more than that for their clothing allowance.

A study says that government workers make $52,000 more a year in salary and benefits than people in the private sector. Mostly because all the people in the private sector have been reduced to finding menial work that only pays minimum wage.

Capitol Police in Washington, D.C. arrested a man who was bathing nude in a fountain. Which apparently has become a regular occurrence ever since Anthony Weiner lost his congressional gym privileges.

A report says that Hillary Clinton is struggling with low numbers among men voters. Which doesn’t make sense as most men would love to be married to someone like her. She has a good job, travels often and looks the other way when her husband cheats.

A study says that 25% of people using Google immediately forget what they just looked up. Mostly the ones who are only smart enough to use Google to try and locate the most recent selfies posted by the Kardashian family.

A report says that ISIS reportedly hacked a website of Ireland’s Central College Limerick. What’s worse is that the message to the school in Limerick began with “There was a young jihadist from Syria...”

Delta Airlines is removing seats from their planes in order to give flight attendants more room to move around in the flight galley. Also so they can also get a better running start so they can race down the aisles and crash into passengers’ knees with the drink cart.

Volkswagen top executive Michael Horn has apologized for the U.S. over his company’s emissions cheating scandal but says it wasn’t his fault. Which brings up the question then why is he apologizing?

Volkswagen top executive Michael Horn says his company’s emissions cheating scandal was not a corporate decision “but the work of a few individuals.” Which is an impressive few individuals who were able to unsuspectingly tamper with 11 Million cars.

Facebook in Spain and Ireland is testing six emoji buttons other than “like.” Which is good news for all the Facebook users who can’t actually put a simple thought into words in the “comment” box.

Volkswagen says it will compensate owners of diesel cars for the loss in value over the emissions scandal. Although a lot of people think the company is just blowing smoke.

Volkswagen says it will compensate owners of diesel cars for the loss in value over the emissions scandal. Which is too bad for the company they aren’t like Chrysler and make cars whose value drops to zero the minute they are driven off the lot.

Researchers say that Americans are not saving the $360 they are saving each year with lower gas prices but are instead spending it. Although it’s pretty hard to get too excited about saving enough money for a large mocha latte at Starbucks once every week.

Researchers say that Americans are not saving the $360 they are saving each year with lower gas prices but are instead spending it. Mostly because it really isn’t enough to put in the bank to use it to cut back on the $100,000 most families have racked up in debt.

A website is offering to sell three packaged colorful New England leaves for $19.99. The word is the company is already really raking it in.

A website is offering to sell three packaged colorful New England leaves for $19.99. Apparently they got the idea after seeing how people for years now have been paying $5 a pint for water someone put into an attractive bottle.

Researchers say they have devised a formula that can tell who is gay by looking at genetic changes. Especially when their genes are telling them they should start wearing skinny jeans.

Researchers say they have devised a formula that can tell who is gay by looking at genetic changes. That means the equipment they are using for the test finally proves there really is such a thing as “gaydar.”

Researchers say they have devised a formula that can tell who is gay by looking at genetic changes. Or they could just go to any H&M and look for anyone asking for clothes made of chambre denim.

A study says that people who perceive they are discriminated are more likely to smoke and eat a poor diet. Especially when people are prejudiced against them because they are obese and smell like cigarettes.

A study says that carrots really do help with aging eyes. To which most people say they don’t care because who needs eyesight when you can use a phone app to have someone deliver ice cream, cake and pizza right to your front door.

A study says that children who eat organic fruits and vegetables have lower levels of pesticides in their bodies. The rest of the children had never even heard of the words “organic,” “fruits” or “vegetables.”

Researchers say that the “runner’s high” is essentially an internally produced marijuana. Which means all this time those people were running around for hours could have gotten the same feeling just by sitting on the couch and taking a few bong hits.

Taylor Swift says she may take a break after her current tour saying she thinks people need a break from her. Now all she has to do is to try to convince Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Kardashians of the same thing.

Cajun celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme has died at age 75. He is most famous for creating the “turducken.” The cause of death was reportedly actually eating an entire turducken.

“Old Yeller” actor Kevin Corcoran has died at age 66. Apparently he died surrounded by friends and family who put him down with a shotgun out back.

A new scent named after Andy Kaufman is going to be marketed. Apparently they think it will sell because why else do men buy cologne except to try to get some women to wrestle with them?

87 year old Dodger announcer Vin Scully will miss the playoffs this year because of a medical procedure. Apparently he wasn’t given doctors’ permission to even be like most Dodger fans and just be there from the 4th through the 6th innings.

Pete Rose blasted Blue Jays third baseman Josh Donaldson for leaving the game after taking a knee to the head. So far Donaldson has kept from blasting back at Rose for blowing a Hall of Fame career because of a gambling addiction.

Pete Rose blasted Blue Jays third baseman Josh Donaldson for leaving the game after taking a knee to the head. Although if Rose had been playing in the game, he would have been the one giving him a knee to the head.

A fantasy ball player has filed a lawsuit against FanDuel and DraftKings accusing the fantasy game sites of negligence, fraud and false advertising. Since the action involves fake teams and games the suit was filed in Hollywood and will be heard by Judge Judy.

Clothing brand Uniqlo is using technology to match potential buyers with t-shirts by reading their brain waves. The only problem is that anyone who goes to Uniqlo and can’t pick out a t-shirt by themselves is going to be hard to find any brain activity going on in the first place.

A company called Light has come up with a device that combines 16 cameras into one. Apparently it was developed specifically for the Kardashian family members so they can cut back the amount of time taking the selfies they post online to only eight hours a day.

A report says that holiday sales are expected to rise 3.7% in 2015, the slowest pace in the past three years. The good news is that even though sales will be slower, it will be made up for with the fact that people now start their holiday shopping in July.

The USGS says it is using Twitter to detect and track earthquakes around the world. Apparently they can tell there is an earthquake when messages are sent in complete gibberish because the ground is shaking too much for people to hold their phones steady enough to type.

A Hispanic woman from Colombia jumped on stage at a Donald Trump rally proclaimed that Latinos love Trump and will vote for him. To which Trump says he appreciates it, and it is just unfortunate none of them will be in the country to vote for his reelection.

Donald Trump is taking credit for ending the bid of Kevin McCarthy to be House Speaker, because he said that the Speaker needs to be tough and very smart. Which should pretty much also end the chances of anyone else currently in Congress who wants that position.

Rand Paul is starting a new campaign to get the government to cut what he considers wasteful spending. And who knows more about wasteful spending than the man who has spent millions of dollars in political donations and is still only pulling 3% in the polls?

Jeb Bush says that raising the minimum wage would kill job growth. Mostly because thanks to the economic policies of his brother George, most the jobs in the country are still barely paying minimum wage in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers start the post season tonight against the Mets. So that’s where my mind will be for the next few days. Hopefully they will win the series and I won’t become too depressed to write any jokes. But that isn’t true. I’m a Raiders fan and still come up with the gags all through the football season. Because all it takes to really keep me going is when all of you remember once in awhile to make sure and send the love!

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