Thursday, October 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pollster Gallup says it may not track the presidential race this election. Apparently there are a lot more important issues to examine, like which Kardashian sisters' backside is currently  the most popular.

Pollster Gallup says it may not track the presidential race this election. Apparently the company feels that if Donald Trump can have the lead this far into the primary season, there is no way of predicting how bad of a choice the voters will eventually make.

A pair of congressmen are urging an investigation of daily fantasy sports, questioning their integrity and consumer and competitive safeguards. If they had only held Wall Street to those same standards back in 2008 they might not have crashed the economy.

A prison debate team from New York beat the national championship debate team from Harvard. Apparently it was a close match until the captain of the Harvard team was incapacitated after getting stuck with a shiv.

A South Carolina man reportedly called 911 to complain his girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with him. Ironically, he could be sentenced to prison where he will find all kinds of people who are willing to have sex with him.

A study says that Denver has the most sexually active people in the country. Mostly because it’s easy to convince people who don’t like flying that they can still claim to be a member of the Mile High Club.

A study says that delaying kindergarten until age 7 offers key benefits to children. Mostly being able to put off having to pay off any college loans until after they are 30.

A study says that delaying kindergarten until age 7 offers key benefits to children. Mostly having a much easier time extorting lunch money from all the smaller and more intimidated 5 year olds.

Vladimir Putin spent his 63rd birthday playing hockey with NHL stars and being presented with a trophy. To which Republicans in the U.S. say that is just more proof that participation trophies are only for socialists.

The oil industry wants the U.S. to repeal its ban on petroleum exports. The only problem is that some people are worried that as soon as we are marked as an oil producing nation, we could end up invading ourselves.

A company has invented a robot that folds laundry by itself. To which single men are saying how great that will be just as soon as someone invents a robot that will pick up clothes off the floor and then separate, wash and dry them first.

The CEO of Volvo says when the company develops a self-driving car it will accept all liability. Except for any time the owner puts it into autonomous mode anywhere around where Caitlyn Jenner may be driving.

An analysis says that reservations for single diners is up 62% in the past two years. Mostly because that is the number of people who for the first time since 2008 finally have enough money to be able to pay for a restaurant meal for one.

An analysis says that reservations for single diners is up 62% in the past two years. The other 38% have no idea yet that McDonald’s has started taking reservations.

An analysis says that reservations for single diners is up 62% in the past two years. Mostly in part to Yelp putting in the new designation for restaurants of “loser friendly.”

The New York Times is seeking to double its number of digital subscribers. If that works they will go back and try and also double the number of home delivery subscribers with the goal of making it all the way up to six.

A study says the average American loses $43 in productivity with each visit to the doctor. Mostly in the amount of time they spend on the phone afterwards begging with their insurance company to cover the bill.

A study says the average American loses $43 in productivity with each visit to the doctor. Mostly because of the time lost from going to one of their three jobs to pay for the bill since they can’t afford health insurance.

J.C. Penney has a new agency that is trying to help grow the brand with middle class shoppers. The only problem is that anyone who has finally made it up to middle class isn’t going to be seen wearing anything that came from Penney’s.

Smith Brothers cough drops is dissolving after a failed attempt at a comeback. Ironically, they had to shut down after then were unable to find any investors who were willing to cough up enough cash.

People in New Jersey are on alert after it was discovered a nurse was using the same syringe on different patients. Health officials are saying if people want to be subjected to a needle used by other people they should just take a walk along the Jersey Shore.

A scientist has invented a cold vest that he claims can help people lose weight. Which is ironic in that most people gain weight by getting cold while standing in front of the refrigerator door deciding what to snack on.

A study says that brain scans can be used to predict which patients are at risk of depression. Mostly the ones who find out their health plan doesn’t cover the cost of the brain scan.

National Geographic will show the first live brain surgery on TV later this month. Ironically, the show will be beaten in the ratings by reality shows that don’t require having a brain in the first place.

A radio station in Virginia has already started playing Christmas songs on a full rotation. To which the other states are saying “Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus and he won’t be here for two more months so give it a rest.”

A radio station in Virginia has already started playing Christmas songs on a full rotation. The worst part is that the people who still fly the Confederate flag across the state just keep requesting to hear “White Christmas.”

Victoria’s Secret is being criticized for reportedly retouching a model’s picture to remove some curves. The hardest part of retouching a lingerie model’s picture to remove weight was making it so there was still a little flesh left over the skeleton.

Victoria’s Secret is being criticized for reportedly retouching a model’s picture to remove some curves. Isn’t the whole point of having high priced lingerie models available so that their pictures don’t have to be retouched?

The federal government is investigating the lack of female directors in Hollywood. Movie studios say they are working on one thing at a time. For instance, no one can claim discrimination against seniors with all the assignments going to Clint Eastwood.

Jay Leno made a surprise appearance on the “Tonight Show” helping Jimmy Fallon with the monologue. The last time Leno made an unexpected appearance on “Tonight” Conan O’brien ended up on basic cable.

Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal for the second time this year. Forget the illegal aliens crossing the border from Mexico. The idea of Quaid trying to come back into the states may be enough to get Congress to finally pass some strict immigration laws.

Simon Cowell has apologized for a profane outburst on “The X Factor U.K.” Although at least now everyone finally knows how the show got its name.

Simon Cowell has apologized for a profane outburst on “The X Factor U.K.” Although people in the states are still waiting for his apology for his 9 years of behavior on “American Idol.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he has no regrets over taking on Tom Brady over Deflategate. Other than losing the case while being humiliated and shown he has no real power while going into court woefully unprepared in the first place.

Former pro wrestler Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka will be tried in the death of his girlfriend back in 1983. The first clue that involves a defendant who is now in his 70s is the fact that he still carries the nickname “Superfly.”

Former pro wrestler Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka will be tried in the death of his girlfriend back in 1983. Authorities decided to charge him after a reexamination of the case determined the cause of death was from being hit over the head with a folding chair.

Twitter says its task for next year will be making its site easier to use. How dumb are we that they have to simplify a site that only allows typing in messages of no more than 140 characters?

Google CFO Ruth Porat says that hiring women is good for business. Especially when it comes to that part where they pay them only 72 cents on the dollar.

Google CFO Ruth Porat says that hiring women is good for business. With an annual salary of $70 Million a year it has sure worked out pretty well for her.

A new app called Hello Heart allows people to use their smartphone to manage their heart health with blood pressure data combined with education and motivation. Although the smartphone can also raise the blood pressure exponentially especially when the owner has a plan with AT&T and has just lost their tenth straight call.

Researchers in Chicago have invented a “psychic robot” that can guess a person’s intentions from their movements. For instance, someone putting on a Cubs hat on their way to a game they could soon become depressed and possibly suicidal.

Researchers in Chicago have invented a “psychic robot” that can guess a person’s intentions from their movements. Like when a man picks up the phone any time after 11:00 at night he is more than likely making a booty call.

A report says that future wearable technology could be sensors that people ingest and implant. Although that is currently true when a woman finds her husband accessing his Ashley Madison account and finds his smartphone suddenly implanted where he wasn’t expecting it.

The CBO says the budget deficit has dropped to $435 Billion this year. Which is great news in that cutting the deficit could push it back to as long as five years before China calls in all its loans and forecloses on us.

An Arizona company will start offering balloon rides to space as early as 2017 at a cost of $75,000. The good part is the price includes getting to inhale some of the helium from the balloon so the passengers can talk like Martians on the way back to Earth.

A new company is utilizing big data to predict which callers are unhappy customers. It turns out the first clue is anyone calling AT&T, United Airlines or any cable company.

Instagram says it is not planning an R-rated version of its site. Isn’t that pretty much why people have accounts at Snapchat?

The White House says that terror intelligence didn’t see ISIS coming. Which is OK because at least it wasn’t as big as them missing 9/11, Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the collapse of the Soviet Union, the Iranian Revolution...

Harry Reid is suing the company that made the exercise band that reportedly caused his injuries. Although that was nothing compared to the beating he took from Senate Republicans who didn’t let him pass any legislation since 2008.

Jeb Bush says that his brother George W. Bush doesn’t need to “rescue” him. Which shows how bad the shape of Jeb’s campaign is in to even think it could be rescued by the man who brought us Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and the 2007 economic meltdown.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Cubs win! Cubs win! At least Cubs fans can finally say that even if it was just the one game playoff to get into the division series. Now they play the Cardinals and it will be back to business as usual. Although I really hope they win so the Dodgers don’t have to deal with St. Louis once again. This is my tough time of year as I love the post season but know that it means soon baseball will be over along with tennis and golf and everything but football. Which wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that I am still loyal to my Raiders. Sigh. Now I know why bears hibernate. But I can always make it through the cold months with the warm feeling I get every time you all remember to send the love!

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