Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census Bureau says 63.2 Million Americans speak a language other than English at home. That doesn’t even include whatever language it is they mumble into the speakers at fast food restaurant drive thrus.

The Census Bureau says 63.2 Million Americans speak a language other than English at home. Which doesn’t even take into account that anyone traveling through Alabama still needs an interpreter.

U.S. officials are asking Toyota how ISIS has so many of their trucks and SUVs seen in their propaganda pictures. Mostly because counter-terror experts know it would be a lot easier to beat them if we could trade them all in for Chryslers.

A report says the Vatican has been secretly sending gay priests to a monastery in the Alps to “cure” them. But mostly for how they were able to impeccably decorate the living quarters with a Benedictine theme along with an emphasis on its basilican structure.

A report says that scientists at a base in the Antarctic may face breathalyzer tests to curb excessive drinking that has led to fights and indecent exposure. Although in the Antarctic, indecent exposure means wearing only three pairs of pants and four jackets.

The President of France says violence against Air France executives by workers threatens the country’s image. He says the people of France should know better and reserve that kind of treatment just for tourists.

A report says that planes of the future will stack passengers on top of each other. Which means the group putting the report together hasn’t flown on Southwest Airlines recently.

Best Buy is using robot salespersons in its store in Manhattan with no contact with humans. Which is exactly the same with any Best Buy store except the part about the robots.

A study says that exercising a half hour a day may not be enough to keep people healthy. The only question is where did they find more than three Americans who exercise a half hour a day to even to a study?

The world’s oldest woman at 116 lives in New York and reportedly eats bacon for breakfast every day. Health experts are astonished she has been able to do that and live so long. Imagine trying to survive just a few months living in New York.

The FDA is using hip hop music in an attempt to get kids to stop smoking tobacco. Which will work if they use music by Snoop Dogg. After listening to his music a few hours they will still be smoking, just not tobacco.

A United Airlines pilot passed out on a flight that had to be diverted to Albuquerque. Apparently it wasn’t so much health related as it was running out of snacks on a flight that started in the middle of last week.

The Justice Department will release 6,000 inmates early from federal prisons later this month to ease overcrowding. If they let another 6,000 go, that will make just enough room if they ever decide to prosecute anyone on Wall Street for the economic crash.

A group of pediatricians is going to tweak their recommendations for the amount of screen time children should have every day. Although at this point, most parents are happy with anything less than around 18 hours at a stretch.

Washington, D.C. is considering the most generous paid leave policy in the country. Although if anyone in D.C. wants a job that pays them to work only about three months out of the year they should just run for Congress.

Toyota says it has been experimenting with self-driving cars since the mid 1990s. Which finally explains all those runaway cars back in 2009 that would decide on their own to floor it to 100 mph.

U.S. News & World Report ranks Harvard the top university in the world with eight of the top ten in the U.S. The bad part is that is just based on the number of years it will take the average student to pay back all their tuition loans.

A study says that U.S. firms are holding $2.1 Trillion in cash overseas to avoid paying taxes. People were shocked. Since when do any U.S. corporations pay taxes?

A study says that U.S. firms are holding $2.1 Trillion in cash overseas to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the companies are just waiting for the government to give them a tax break so they can use that money for what it was intended. Executive bonuses.

A survey says that 35% of company directors who are men think it is very important to have women board members. Mostly the ones who feel it’s about time to get women in the boardroom so they don’t have to get their own coffee.

McDonald’s has started serving breakfast all day in an attempt to improve business in the slumping chain. Apparently the strategy is that nothing goes quite as well with a Big Mac and large fries than following it up with an Egg McMuffin and some hotcakes.

A report says that Wall Street profits reached $11.3 Billion in the first half of 2015. Apparently the traders are back to working hard to make sure they earn enough money to get them through the next time they crash the economy.

The CEO of IBM says automation won’t decimate the job market. Especially any automation that comes out of IBM.

The CEO of IBM says automation won’t decimate the job market. Which is interesting coming from a company that is already in the process of cutting 100,000 jobs from its worldwide workforce this year.

A study says that the average cost of cybercrimes for large U.S. companies is $15.4 Million a year. That doesn’t even include workers downloading pirated movies, sitting on social networks and watching Internet porn on the job.

A Texas girl has reportedly been sneezing 12,000 times a day. Apparently she has a yet undiagnosed allergy to gunpowder.

Demi Lovato is pushing Congress to take up reforms on mental health. Although if she had ever picked up a newspaper she would know a bigger mental health issue is first trying to get some professional help for everyone in Congress.

A study says that 13% of first time expectant fathers exhibit symptoms of depression during the pregnancy. Not enough is known about what the other 87% are going through since they are nowhere to be found.

18 year old Kylie Jenner has added a $320,000 Rolls Royce to her car collection. The hardest part is having to keep hiding the keys to make sure that Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t try to take it out for a spin down PCH.

18 year old Kylie Jenner has added a $320,000 Rolls Royce to her car collection. Which is different than most 18 year olds who are just growing out of their collection of Barbie dolls.

Cosmopolitan has picked the Kardashian and Jenner clan for a cover story featuring them as “America’s First Family.” The question is how did we fall this far from the Ozzie Nelsons to this in just 50 years?

Cosmopolitan has picked the Kardashian and Jenner clan for a cover story featuring them as “America’s First Family.” The worst part is that it’s a step down from ten years ago when America’s first family was the Sopranos.

The former personal assistant of Dodger pitcher Bronson Arroyo is being accused of stealing Arroyo’s yacht and selling it for $22,000. Although calling it a yacht may be a bit of an exaggeration as no seagoing vessel in L.A. sells for less than $30,000 that isn’t powered by a set of oars.

The former personal assistant of Dodger pitcher Bronson Arroyo is being accused of stealing Arroyo’s yacht and selling it for $22,000. Remember when the personal assistant of a pitcher was considered the guy catching the ball behind the plate?

The DHS has outlined how the health insurance industry should share medical information. As opposed to how the government shares all its information through releases found on WikiLeaks.

Marco Rubio criticized government regulations of the on-demand economy. To which most people are asking what someone who works for the government knows about doing anything on demand.

Lexus has built a working car made out of cardboard inspired by the art of origami. Although that isn’t anything new. If they think they are the first to build a vehicle out of cardboard they need to test drive a Kia.

Lexus has built a working car made out of cardboard inspired by the art of origami. Which is ironic since the emissions scandal, no car company is more likely to fold than Volkswagen.

A study says that fish are the animal world’s top athletes because of their ability to disperse oxygen through their systems. Which means if you want your child to excel in sports the best way to start is to name them Gil.

A study says that fish are the animal world’s top athletes because of their ability to disperse oxygen through their systems. Is that really all it takes to be an athlete? When is the last time you were able to catch a Cheetah by standing on a pier using just a hook and some bait?

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is nearly at full employment. There would even be more people working if there weren’t so many in the workforce who are taking up two and three jobs at a time to make ends meet.

Starbucks has appointed a new Chief Technology Officer. Remember the days when a coffee shop’s chief tech officer was the guy who knew how to repair the cappuccino machine?

A company is spending $1 Billion to build an entire city in New Mexico to test new technologies that could be harmful to humans. Don’t we already have an uninhabited city that has been subjected to toxins and other harmful elements? It’s called Detroit.

An analysis says that TV cord cutting will continue to be a trend for three reasons. The reasons are cable TV companies, cable TV companies and cable TV companies.

A study says that some teenagers check in on their social media sites up to 100 times a day. Which is OK with most their parents since it is better than having them be at the refrigerator, watching TV on the couch or playing video games.

Donald Trump called former President George W. Bush “a disaster” as President. People were shocked. Since when did he start going easy with his descriptions of other Republicans?

An estimate says that 11 Trillion gallons of rain fell on the Carolinas in the past week. That is roughly the same amount that has fallen on California since the beginning of the year. Without the trillion part though.

An estimate says that 11 Trillion gallons of rain fell on the Carolinas in the past week. Which is too bad, because if instead of causing all the flooding the government was able to bottle it and sell for a dollar a gallon, the federal deficit would only be somewhere around $7 Trillion.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The baseball playoffs have already started and just like that the Yankees are out. Even if the Cubs lose their wild card game tonight, how many years have they had a season outlasting the Yanks? The Dodgers start Friday which will have me on edge every game but at least I will be able to feel good about the Dodgers in the post season while the Giants are sitting at home. Because every true Dodger fan hates the Giants almost as much as we love the Dodgers. And speaking of love, feel free to take the time to remember to send it this way!

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