Tuesday, October 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that half of Joe Biden’s Twitter followers are fake. Many wonder if Biden’s account is fake as he could never otherwise express a thought using 140 characters.

Hillary Clinton says she is the “most transparent person in American history.” To which most women are disagreeing, saying they can all pretty much see straight through Bill.

A study says that low levels of face to face social contact can raise the risk of depression. Which is even worse for people who say their only close friend is Siri.

A study says that low levels of face to face social contact can raise the risk of depression. Especially with family members where any social contact pretty much guarantees a bout with depression.

A report says the zone around the Chernobyl nuclear plant has become a wildlife haven. In just the past few years there have been numerous sightings of the three eyed wolf, two headed bison and the glow-in-the-dark elk.

Florida candidate for U.S. Senate Augustus Sol Invictus admits he drank goats’ blood as part of a pagan sacrifice. With that name and lifestyle it sounds more like he should be running a candidacy for Emperor of Rome.

Florida candidate for U.S. Senate Augustus Sol Invictus admits he drank goats’ blood as part of a pagan sacrifice. As opposed to most members of the Senate who confine their pagan rituals to breaking bread with all of the Capitol Hill lobbyists.

An American Airlines pilot died during a flight that had to be diverted to another airport. The sad part is that the copilot had told him not to eat the fish.

An American Airlines pilot died during a flight that had to be diverted to another airport. That has happened before on other airlines, but usually when a pilot passes away before a United Airlines flight can be completed it is from the effects of old age.

Donald Trump says if he pulls out of the race for President there would be a  “depression” in TV ratings. At least he is partially right as all the late night comedy show writers would be sad in losing half of their nightly material.

An Amtrak train derailed on a trip from Vermont to Washington, D.C. It was the biggest derailment before reaching Washington, D.C. since the campaigns of Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.

President Obama is considering a plan to leave as many as 5,000 troops in Afghanistan beyond 2016. In other words, his new war time strategy is to say to the next President “It’s all yours now!”

President Obama is considering a plan to leave as many as 5,000 troops in Afghanistan beyond 2016. Which means the U.S. finally has an exit strategy for the war, which is to never exit.

A study says that happiness peaks in the early 20s and drops until the mid 70s. Mostly because the early 20s is when most people take out their college tuition loans and the mid 70s is when they finally finish paying them off.

California has enacted a “right to die” law. Which has always been an option for California residents who want to commit suicide. It’s called wearing a Broncos jersey to an Oakland Raiders home game.

The Supreme Court has refused to review an appeals court decision which makes it harder to prosecute for insider trading on Wall Street. Which means the only legal trouble a trader has to worry about when making millions on illegal transactions is to make sure they put enough quarters in the street parking meter.

A website is offering to cancel people’s Comcast accounts for $5. If it works to get through all the red tape for a low price, the company could make a fortune helping people deal with United Airlines, AT&T and the DMV.

A website is offering to cancel people’s Comcast accounts for $5. Which may not get a lot of business since the only people who still have cable are over 65 and what else do they have to do but wait for customer service to answer the phone?

Bud Light has developed a refrigerator that tells when it is out of beer. Which is unnecessary for most single men who know the refrigerator is out of beer when the only thing left inside is an expired carton of milk and that container of lime juice.

Disneyland fans are criticizing the park’s plan to raise its annual pass to over $1,000 as “greedy.” Or as most families call $1,000 at Disneyland, “the happiest four hours on Earth.”

Disneyland fans are criticizing the park’s plan to raise its annual pass to over $1,000 as “greedy.” To which Disney denies, saying greedy is taking the same amount of money from a family of four before they even get past the parking lot.

ATM fees have hit a record high average of $4.52 for each transaction. Which is really bad when you consider that one withdrawal fee would leave the average bank account with 48 cents.

People are reportedly using a new caffeinated peanut butter for a hangover cure. Apparently on the morning after a night of heavy drinking they just eat a large spoonful of the peanut butter along with two shots of Tequila.

The widow of a California shoemaker has been convicted of his murder. Her legal team is now just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The widow of a California shoemaker has been convicted of his murder. The judge issued the verdict along with a request for God to have mercy on her sole.

Disney is considering a plan to increase the price of admission to its parks on busy days and dropping it on slower days. Apparently a less crowded day at a Disney park is when the average wait time for a ride is somewhere less than five hours.

The Department of Justice says the BP settlement for the Gulf Oil Spill will be $20.8 Billion. Which could really hurt the oil company which with lower oil prices around the world means it could now take up to four days instead of three to pay off.

The Department of Justice says the BP settlement for the Gulf Oil Spill will be $20.8 Billion. Which could eat up all of the government tax subsidies the company gets for the entire year.

Alaska Airlines lost the luggage of their CEO on a flight to Washington, D.C. It’s just good to see the airline treats its top executive like other passengers. And how they are treated by the TSA. And United Airlines. And American. And Delta...

Former Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says more Wall Street executives should have gone to jail over causing the economic meltdown. Which means he will get his wish the day they lock up the first one.

General Mills is recalling 1.8 Million boxes of Cheerios products because of potential allergic reactions. Mostly from people who accidentally eat something that doesn’t contain high enough levels of sugar, salt and fat.

Scientists say an exercise pill may be available in the future that will have the same effects as working out. The only problem is with the people who want them to make it so they don’t have to actually get off the couch in order to take the pills.

A study says that “tweeners” who think that smoking pot is cool are more likely to drink and drive later. Mostly because tweeners they are already drinking but are still a few years too young to get their license.

A study says that it was easier to be thin 20 years ago. Mostly because sitting on a couch all day with fast food apps at people’s fingertips has made it so much easier now to be fat.

A study says that compulsive texting can harm teenagers academically. To which most teachers and parents are asking how can anyone tell?

A woman in Wyoming has been diagnosed with rabies. Apparently doctors think she may have contracted the disease after being bitten by her neighbor Dick Cheney.

A study says that as many as 30% of all 911 calls may be butt dials. What’s even worse is the other 70% are a combination of drunk dialing and booty calls.

A study says that as many as 30% of all 911 calls may be butt dials. What’s even worse is when the call is coming from someone who needs medical attention because of their obesity.

Three scientists have won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their work fighting parasites. Which for most people means making it easier to deal with the bill collecting departments of their health insurance company.

Actress Emily Blunt says that she became a U.S. citizen mostly for tax reasons. No one even had any idea in her spare time she was a billionaire hedge fund manager.

CBS says it is considering bringing back a new version of the show “MacGyver.” His first assignment will be showing older viewers how to disconnect their cables and rig up a coat hanger and tinfoil to get CBS programming for free.

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino is denying any knowledge that the school paid escorts to have sex with players. Apparently that was supposed to be taken care of under the table, or in his case actually on top of the table.

A report says that Nazis in World War II were planning to use exploding chocolate bars as weapons. Instead, the technology for chocolate that causes explosions was turned over to Ex-Lax.

Facebook says it will beam free Internet signals to rural areas in Africa. Otherwise known as Africa.

Facebook says it will beam free Internet signals to rural areas in Africa. Which is going to be really bad news for Americans using AOL when they find out after reading about it online in another three years.

Apple was named the world’s most valuable brand, with an estimated worth of $170 Billion. Which is more like $210 Billion when they add in the extra amount just for being Apple.

Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina says her knowledge of medieval history will help her defeat ISIS. Although ancient history it will be even more of an advantage in winning the presidency if her opponent is Bernie Sanders.

Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina says her degree in medieval history and philosophy will help her defeat ISIS. Even more important, if she wins the presidency the millions of parents who have paid to have their children get similar degrees will finally have some hope they will also manage to one day use it to get a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The baseball regular season is over and it’s time for the playoffs. Fortunately, the Dodgers have the home field advantage for the first series against the Mets. With the Astros, Mets and Cubs all in the playoffs this year, how hard could it possibly be to take the ‘Series? I am still hoping, just like I have every year since we last won in 1988. That’s almost as long a dry spell as Al Gore. At least he can blame his dry spell on global warming. What never fails to make me feel like a world’s champ is when you all remember every day to make sure to send the love!

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