Sunday, October 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A man claims he was fired from his job in New Jersey for excessive flatulence. At least he is in state where that qualifies him to be elected Governor.

A man claims he was fired from his job in New Jersey for excessive flatulence. Actually it wasn’t for the flatulence. The place he worked makes pork roll products and it was considered evidence he was stealing from the company.

A man claims he was fired from his job in New Jersey for excessive flatulence. The worst part is that when he was fired his boss asked him to pull his finger.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says he has a plan to bomb Mars to heat the planet. Which already has Al Gore working on a campaign to stop Mars global warming.

A home in posh Bel Air, California is reportedly using a million gallons of water a month during the drought. People were shocked. Who in Bel Air would admit to actually using tap water?

Scientists say that “exercise in a bottle,” drugs that will have the same effect as working out could soon be developed. Apparently the researchers working on that have never heard of Barry Bonds.

Delta Airlines will be cutting jobs from its 10,000 management positions in an effort to increase productivity. Which is an interesting way of telling employees that they will now be doing the work of their two colleagues who just got fired.

Delta Airlines will be cutting jobs from its 10,000 management positions in an effort to increase productivity. The good news is the workers who get fired for doing nothing all day will be able to get picked right up over at United.

A study says that paying CEOs fat bonuses for stock performance doesn’t work. To which the CEOs disagree, saying it works just fine for them.

Hitachi has announced new technology that collects and analyzes data from the Internet to predict when and where crimes might occur. Although it could just take a quick guess and say any convenience store between 3:00 and 5:00 in the morning.

Hitachi has announced new technology that collects and analyzes data from the Internet to predict when and where crimes might occur. Which is a pretty easy job. Usually during the entire time between the opening and closing bells on Wall Street.

Two sportscasters who mocked a group of sorority women at an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game are being ridiculed for showing a generation divide. Although claims of a generation divide were shot down just by the fact there was actually a group of young women at a baseball game.

President Obama says that Russian President Vladimir Putin’s strategy in Syria is a “recipe for disaster.” Apparently he thinks Putin should be more like the U.S. and conduct military operations in the Middle East with absolutely no strategy.

President Obama says that Russian President Vladimir Putin’s strategy in Syria is a “recipe for disaster.” To which Putin is laughing off his comments, saying that it is nowhere near the disaster of his strategy in the Ukraine.

A poll says that half the people in the U.S. are feeling better about their financial situation. Mostly because they are just glad they aren’t in as bad of shape as the other half.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz says he is getting “triple d” complaints from employees. The are dissatisfied, disenchanted and disengaged. Apparently it is tough to deal with all the passengers with “triple r” complaints about the airline. Ripped off, rude behavior and rotten service.

A study says that U.S. workers are staying put in their jobs despite an improving economy. Mostly because they feel the economy is improving just from the fact they have a job where they can stay put.

Starbucks says its eggs will be cage free by 2020. Apparently they figure it will take their chickens five years to figure out how to pick the locks and get out.

Starbucks says its eggs will be cage free by 2020. Once that is done, they will start working on getting a larger cardboard hut for Juan Valdez to move into.

A norovirus outbreak sickened hundreds of students and teachers in Nevada. Fortunately, school administrators were able to get everyone through the crisis by just having them all pretend they were out on the open seas on a Carnival cruise.

A study says a later bedtime could lead to weight gain. Especially for people who get to bed late because they were busy eating snacks until 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that exposure to loud noises is linked to the risk of heart disease. Except in the case of suicide bombers who are around loud noises but rarely die from heart attacks.

A study says that exposure to loud noises is linked to the risk of heart disease. Especially for men sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning when their wife yells out “Caught you!”

A study says that obesity won’t affect the safety of joint replacement surgery. Although if people weren’t carrying around an extra hundred pounds all the time, their knees and hips wouldn’t be worn out in the first place.

1.5 Million bicycles have been recalled because of brake problems. People were surprised. When did GM get into the bicycle making business?

A study says that tennis elbow usually heals without therapy. Although anyone under 30 has no idea what tennis elbow even is, although they suspect it may be similar to texting thumb, video joy stick wrist or remote control knuckle.

A study says that secondhand smoke is linked to behavioral issues with children. Mostly parents complaining that their kids won’t stop coughing or always want to get out of the car when they light up.

A study says it is harder for Millennials to keep weight off. Mostly because they grew up on a couch with their video games sitting on one end and a box of pizza on the other.

A public health emergency has been declared in Flint, Michigan because of high levels of lead in tap water. Which is different than the usual warnings of the dangers of high levels of lead the people of Michigan are subjected to from drive-by shootings.

A public health emergency has been declared in Flint, Michigan because of high levels of lead in tap water. The news came as a surprise to many. There are still people living in Flint?

Scientists say they may have developed the first birth control pill for men. Although it may be a tough sell as many men will see taking a pill as too much trouble.

Scientists say they may have developed the first birth control pill for men. Although the best birth control for men is when women see they are unemployed, overweight and sit on a couch playing video games in their parents’ basement all day.

O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark says the acquittal verdict shook her belief in the system. Not as much as everyone else who was shook at seeing someone actually lose such an open and shut case.

David Cassidy has been charged  in Florida with hit and run, an improper lane change and having a suspended license and expired tags. People were shocked. He did all that and wasn’t drunk at the time?

David Cassidy has been charged in Florida with hit and run, an improper lane change and having a suspended license and expired tags. Which serves him right for calling so much attention to himself driving around in that psychedelic painted school bus.

Jill Zarin from “Real Housewives of New York” was injured in a car accident. People were shocked at the news. Who in New York City actually drives a car?

Kim Kardashian told her sister Khloe that her stepfather Caitlyn Jenner’s breasts are “the best.” The question is counting up how many things in that sentence are just plain wrong.

Kim Kardashian told her sister Khloe that Caitlyn Jenner’s breasts are “the best.” How bad must it be for a woman to realize that her stepfather has gotten a better boob job than hers?

LeBron James has spoken out about gun violence. Mostly because at least when he shoots in a tight situation it usually misses.

Stamps commemorating the 50th anniversary of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” are now available at the Post Office. Which is a good fit in that Charlie Brown is bemoaning the commercialization of Christmas while the Pose Office is going the other direction, losing $47 Billion over the past ten years.

Tulane University’s long snapper has become the first legally blind player in a Division I football game. Which is nice to see someone on the field with limited vision who isn’t wearing a black and white striped shirt.

Seattle coach Pete Carroll says running back Marshawn Lynch had an MRI with “some findings.” The only finding that was worse was Carroll not finding a way to hand the ball to Lynch on the last play of the Super Bowl.

Google’s new holding company Alphabet has dropped the motto “Don’t be evil” from their code of conduct. Apparently as a mega billion dollar global entity, they feel more comfortable with the more corporately correct version of “Don’t get caught.”

NASA and the European Space Agency are teaming up to crash a probe into an asteroid to try to deflect its orbit. Which for a deliberate crash means the Europeans will be in charge of launching the probe, and NASA will be in control of the landing.

AT&T is accusing the FCC of favoritism over approval of a waiver for Wi-Fi calling that doesn’t meet standards for speech and hearing impaired people. AT&T says it doesn’t apply to them since people with normal speech and hearing can’t understand anything on an AT&T call either.

Apple has bought an Artificial Intelligence startup so Siri can speak with people more naturally. Which they could have done just as easily if they bought a hair care products company that would have made Siri something other than blonde.

Apple has bought an Artificial Intelligence startup so Siri can speak with people more naturally. Now all they need to do is use the same technology so customers can understand what the person from India is telling them when they call tech support.

Scientists have built a “frozen zoo” in Georgia to save endangered species. The only trouble is if researchers decide to try to take the DNA of the body of a Bengal tiger and try to graft it onto the heads of Ted Williams or Walt Disney.

High tech scans of residents of Pompeii killed in the ancient eruption of Mt. Vesuvius show that they had excellent teeth. Which is sad to realize that people who lived 2,000 years ago are still getting better dental care than almost everyone right now in Alabama.

A study says that nearly one million tons of illegal smog was produced by VW diesel engines. Or as they call that in Beijing, “Tuesday.”

Sprint says that layoffs are likely as part of a cost reduction plan. One area that will not face any workforce reduction will be customer service since the three people who still work there are just trying to finish up the backlog from 1995.

IBM supercomuter Watson will be used as a coach for elite athletes. The only problem is when they ask the computer how long their workout should be and it answers “10010100110010101.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Fortunately, Hurricane Joaquin missed making landfall along the U.S. coastline. Of course, that was bad news for 24 hour cable stations who now are frantically looking for the next disaster that is going to strike the U.S. Which means they will probably just have to go back to covering the Trump campaign. But seriously, as a meteorologist who also plays one on TV I am getting a little tired of all the media hype of every storm that comes along. Especially when the hype comes from TV meteorologist who should know better. It’s like the news department have run out of ideas of how to scare people so now it is falling on the weather department. Look out, sports. You’re next!” If the media really wants to scare everyone, how about just reporting every day on what is happening or more importantly not happening on Capitol Hill. Now we’re talking bloodcurdling screams. In the meantime, if you have the resolve to handle these jokes than it will take a lot more than any congressman to make your hair stand on end. And instead of hanging some cloves of garlic around your neck, all you have to do to protect yourself is make sure to always send the love!

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