Friday, October 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Colleges are appointing costume sensitivity committees so students can see if their Halloween costumes are “too offensive.” The students who don’t are the ones who are interested in having any chance of winning a costume contest.

Colleges are appointing costume sensitivity committees so students can see if their Halloween costumes are “too offensive.” It turns out the students who are dressed as the homeless are the ones who have already started getting bills for their tuition loans.

The Department of Energy says that Jack-O-Lanterns are adding to the causes of climate change. How many candles are people putting inside their pumpkins to actually cause enough warming to endanger the planet?

The New York Times beat its profit and revenue forecast for the third quarter. Meaning the paper actually had some revenue and made a profit.

A report says 93% of eighth grade public school students in Detroit are nor proficient in math and 96% are not proficient in math. Adding to that is the fact that 98% of the players on the Detroit Lions are not proficient in tackling.

A report says 93% of eighth grade public school students in Detroit are nor proficient in math and 96% are not proficient in math. What’s even worse is that 94% of students in Detroit don’t even make it into the eighth grade.

A report says 93% of eighth grade public school students in Detroit are nor proficient in math and 96% are not proficient in math. Which may be why the people who went through the Detroit school system and are running the city drove it into bankruptcy.

Forbes says that 70% of the richest Americans created their wealth. Mostly by starting up mortgage companies that ripped home buyers off with subprime home loans back before 2007.

Forbes says that 70% of the richest Americans created their wealth. The other 30% worked for Bernie Madoff and made money stealing it from the people who created it.

A report says that office desks of the future will allow people to lie down. Mostly so they can just sleep at work after having to put in a 16 hour day and not making enough to own a car to drive back home.

The WHO says that two thirds of all people have the herpes virus. No one even knew that Paris Hilton was back on the dating scene.

A Texas judge is under fire for forcing some couples who appeared before him to marry. Apparently some constitutional scholars are saying that is clearly an example of cruel and unusual punishment.

Bernie Sanders is calling for the end of the death penalty. Which at this point the latest victim may be his campaign.

Viewership for the latest Republican presidential debate dropped to 14 Million. The sad part is that the process of picking the next leader of the Free World gets interrupted when a competing network is showing the latest episode of “The Kardashians.”

Jeb Bush says that campaigning has caused Marco Rubio to scale back to a “French work week” of three days a week in the Senate. People were shocked. Since when did Congress start increasing their schedule to three days a week?

China says it will end its policy of one child per couple. Apparently there is a real shortage of six year olds which is cutting back production to only two shifts a day at all the Nike factories.

A Louisiana man cashed in the 500,000 pennies he has saved over the past 40 years. Which in the south is called the 4-0-1cent-k retirement plan.

A Louisiana man cashed in the 500,000 pennies he has saved over the past 40 years. Which sadly enough made him realize that with a nest egg of $5,000 he will have to work for another 40 years before he can even think of retiring.

A Louisiana man cashed in the 500,000 pennies he has saved over the past 40 years. That makes him the state’s wealthiest man outside of anyone related to the “Duck Dynasty” family.

A report says that smartphones among 18-29 year olds is nearing saturation at an 86% ownership rate. The bad part is that none of them have an education or career because they spend 86% of their waking hours staring at their cellphone screen.

The NBA is planning to feature ads for Kia on their All-Star Game jerseys starting next year. Sports fans thought they would never see this day. They thought ads on jerseys were about as likely as an NBA player actually driving a Kia.

A ratings report shows that viewers of the latest Republican presidential debate lost interest after an hour. What was even worse is that Jeb Bush appeared to lose interest after about five minutes.

A ratings report shows that viewers of the latest Republican presidential debate lost interest after an hour. Apparently Donald Trump lost them when he decided to try to look more like a presidential candidate and less like Don Rickles.

A study says that Millennials age 21-38 are twice as likely as other age groups to distrust big food. As opposed to teenagers who judging by their appearance are four to five times more likely to be eating big food.

A new seven seat Tesla has faster acceleration than sports cars made by Ferrari, Lamborghini and Bugatti. Finally, a family car that has solved the problem of being able to take a trip without constantly hearing the kids whining “Are we there yet?”

Sherwin-Williams has developed a bacteria killing paint that fights hospital infections. Although some medical experts say that is just a way of white-washing the problem.

Sherwin-Williams has developed a bacteria killing paint that fights hospital infections. The only problem is getting patients to lie still while an orderly can cover them with two coats.

A study is linking watching TV with an increased risk of death from major causes. Fortunately, people who watch enough TV will see plenty of hospital dramas that will show them how to cure the diseases they got from sitting on the couch all day.

A study says that the VW emissions scandal may have contributed to as many as 60 deaths in the U.S. To which auto industry experts are saying they had no idea the EPA had adopted such harsh penalties.

A study says that the VW emissions scandal may have contributed to as many as 60 deaths in the U.S. Which would be ironic for someone who quit smoking who still died prematurely because their car didn’t.

New York will start requiring doctors to have extra training before being able to prescribe medical marijuana. Mostly to help them decide if the symptoms pot helps their patients with are offset by the 50 pounds they will gain with all the pizza, cookies and doughnuts they will be eating.

A study says that smartphone apps can detect depression by collecting and analyzing GPS and other data. Which is easy to diagnose the cause of depression, especially when the GPS shows the person frequently goes to see games at Wrigley Field.

John Mayer says he is “preparing like a boxer” to tour with the Grateful Dead. Which surprised many fans who had no idea that boxers trained by smoking a lot of weed and hitchhiking around the country.

The wardrobe of Queen Elizabeth II will be exhibited as part of her 90th birthday celebration. The collection includes up to 10,000 outfits. Although the duties of Queen can pretty much be carried out just wearing a Snuggy around the castle all day.

Caitlyn Jenner has been named one of Glamour magazine’s Women of the Year. Some people reportedly have a problem with that, although they would have more of a problem if Jenner was ever recognized for her acting on “The Kardashians.”

Former “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast member Kim Richards has been sentenced for shoplifting and has been banned from Target. To which the other cast members of the show are asking “What’s Target?”

Former “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast member Kim Richards has been sentenced for shoplifting and has been banned from Target. Which is a double whammy as shopping at Target has gotten her banned from Beverly Hills.

Justin Bieber walked out on an interview at a Spanish radio station. Apparently he was angered that they were speaking in some weird kind of way where he had no idea what they were saying.

USC has announced a $270 Million renovation plan for the L.A. Memorial Coliseum. Which most people who have their own idea how to renovate the Coliseum were surprised that it costs $270 Million to buy a few tons of dynamite.

Vin Scully says he is eager to return to the Dodger broadcast booth for 2016 after missing the playoffs because of a medical procedure. At least the 87 year old announcer was smart enough to know he wouldn’t miss much by scheduling the procedure during the early part of the post season.

Mark Zuckerberg’s political advocacy group is calling Donald Trump’s immigration stance “absurd.” Other political groups thought the criticism was narrow minded. Why stop at immigration when there are so many other absurd Trump policies to denounce?

Bosch says it plans to start production on a system to help cars watch out for pedestrians. To which people in L.A. are asking “What are pedestrians?”

Toyota is working on a four inch tall robot that can detect and respond to the driver’s emotions, speech and gestures. Don’t we already have a four inch long device that many drivers use to deal with others’ emotions and gestures? It’s called a .38 Special.

Toyota is working on a four inch tall robot that can detect and respond to the driver’s emotions, speech and gestures. Which is different from the robot Chrysler is working on that just has the ability to call for a tow truck every time you pull out of the driveway.

China has been ranked last on a list of 66 countries when it comes to Internet freedom. To which China says they have complete freedom, as anyone in the country can log on whenever they want to any of the five government allowed websites.

Apple has patented an idea that would make iPhone screens shatterproof. The best way to keep iPhone screens from breaking is to sign on with a carrier other than AT&T which prevents users from throwing the phone after five straight dropped calls.

Apple has patented an idea that would make iPhone screens shatterproof. The first suggestion is never give your phone to Naomi Campbell when she is angry.

A webhosting company says it lost 13 Million passwords in a data breach. Apparently hackers were able to get into the site after figuring out the company’s passwords were “password” and “12345.”

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders had a private meeting this week and reportedly talked for an hour. Which is usually just about enough time for Biden to get through saying “hello.”

Jeb Bush says that his campaign is “not on life support.” Apparently he hasn’t been told that CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver didn’t work, it was considered brain dead and was unplugged and buried after the first debate.

A filibuster against the budget deal by Rand Paul didn’t even last 20 minutes. Which still made it more than five minutes longer than his campaign for President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is Halloween. That’s where people dress up to look like what they would some day like to be. Which is pretty much just like what the Oakland Raiders do every Sunday. I will take a cue from that and go as a person with incredible wealth. Which anymore means wearing a pair of jeans and a hoodie. It sure works for Mark Zuckerberg. In the likely event that I never become one of the super rich, you can always help me feel like I am at least out of debt with even maybe a few dollars in my pocket by just remembering to once in awhile take the time to send the love!

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