Thursday, October 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that movies about demonic possession are making a comeback in Hollywood. Apparently also in the Republican presidential debates.

A report says that movies about demonic possession are making a comeback in Hollywood. Which means any day now Mel Gibson should be getting his own reality TV
show.

A report says that math and reading scores are falling for U.S. students. The good news is that none of these kids will have to try to figure out a way to pay off any college tuition loans.

A study says that online freedom has fallen for the fifth straight year. Although just try telling that to anyone who has just gotten their latest Internet cable, DSL or wireless bill.

A poll says that Americans are still feeling more negative than positive about the economy. Mostly the ones who are watching the Republican and Democratic presidential debates and see who will likely be in charge of their money for the next four years.

A poll says that Americans are still feeling more negative than positive about the economy. Which then brings up the question as to why they keep sending the same people who keep screwing it up back to Congress every election?

A Harvard study says that increased CO2 levels from global warming makes people dumber. Which may explain why there are so many people who still refuse to believe that climate change is already taking place.

A Harvard study says that increased CO2 levels from global warming makes people dumber. A case in point is that trees and plants thrive on CO2 and when is the last time you saw one of them successfully solve a math problem?

New technology will allow robots to walk like humans. Although the problem has perplexed some scientists. There are humans who still walk?

Apple reported the largest yearly profit in corporate history at $53.4 Billion. The old record of $45.2 Billion was set by Exxon Mobil back in 2008, which has Big Oil asking so why doesn’t everyone hate and want to dismantle tech companies?

Apple reported the largest yearly profit in corporate history at $53.4 Billion. Which is ironic in that the reason oil prices have dropped is that people are so glued to the couch with their iPhones they never need to buy gasoline to take the car anywhere.

Mark Zuckerberg is in India trying to get the “next billion people online.” Which is apparently the first step in outsourcing the next billion American jobs overseas.

A two year old Tennessee boy has a rare disorder that requires him to eat every hour. Which usually doesn’t start for most children until they become teenagers.

A report says the average price of a home in London is now $750,000. Which people will pay just to have their own kitchen so they don’t have to ever go out and eat food from any English restaurants.

A company has designed a new gun that shoots pepper spray pellets that incapacitates people instead of killing them. Not only that but it is a perfect match for anyone packing a salad shooter who only needs some dressing to make it all complete.

Kansas City Royal Lorenzo Cain’s stolen base in Game 1 of the World Series won everyone in the country a free Taco Bell AM Crunchwrap. Now all they need is for Pepto-Bismol to do a cross promotion with the bullpen for when they need relief.

A report says the top 100 CEO retirement accounts are worth $4.9 Billion, equal to the average combined nest eggs of 50 Million Americans. Financial experts were shocked. There are 50 Million Americans who have put something away for retirement?

A company in Utah is offering pregnant employees a $2,000 bonus for maternity clothes. Mostly because it’s tough to pay for a new wardrobe in a household when all five wives are expecting at the same time.

IBM is set to buy Weather.com but the deal will not include the Weather Channel. Mostly because Watson isn’t as interested in being a TV meteorologist as he is getting his own reality TV show.

The government says it will toughen rules on how banks market debit and prepaid cards to college students. To which banks say they are just trying to give them a taste of what it is like to be hopelessly in debt even before they start paying off their tuition loans.

A German company that makes condoms is backing off its claims that each one produces three orgasms. Mostly because the claim was referring to the company executives when they saw how much money they were making from people falling for the gag.

A German company that makes condoms is backing off its claims that each one produces three orgasms. If nothing else, it proves the men who bought the condoms are more gullible for phony lines than the women they were trying to pick up.

A study says that married patients do better after heart surgery than divorced or single patients. Especially the ones whose spouse has a job with health insurance that will actually pay their medical bills.

A Colorado teen sleepwalked nine miles from home before waking up. Psychologists were amazed. A teenager was able to walk nine miles?

A study says that food sitting on kitchen counters can reveal the weight of the people who live there. Especially when the boxes are fork lift pallets full of crates of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

A survey says that 4% of American adults use e-cigarettes. The other 96% say they would like to try but can’t find any stores that sell e-matches.

A video game company says that its games help manage ADHD symptoms. Which is good news for the kids who have developed ADHD in the first place from sitting in front of a video game console for 16 hours at a time.

Researchers say that a simple test can give pregnant women a better idea of when they will give birth. Mostly by just adding nine months to the last time they went out and got really drunk.

A child expert says forcing kids to say they are sorry sends the wrong message. Apparently the best example is Donald Trump who is a billionaire who could become President and has never said he is sorry in his whole life.

A study says that fewer Americans are dying from heart disease, cancer, strokes, diabetes and injuries. The only question is what is there left that is still actually killing people?

A study says that fewer Americans are dying from heart disease, cancer, strokes, diabetes and injuries. Mostly because all of them are now dying from crashing their cars while they are texting and driving.

The FDA has approved a drug that uses the herpes virus to fight cancer. Which means that Paris Hilton may actually be immortal.

Phil Collins says he is no longer officially retired. To which every person under 40 is asking “Who is Phil Collins?”

An actor on “Days Of Our Lives” was arrested after attempting to punch a bartender. Apparently he discovered the bartender was his long lost evil twin who was having an affair with his wife who had just been cured with her bout with amnesia.

An actor on “Days Of Our Lives” was arrested after attempting to punch a bartender. Apparently he was angry that the bartender cut him off before he was drunk enough to forget his acting career was dead ending on a soap opera.

Russell Brand says he ended his marriage with Katy Perry because he didn’t want her “vapid life of celebrity.” Which is unfortunate since that was the least of his concern after starring in “Get Him To The Greek.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that the appeal of a judge’s decision overturning the suspension of Tom Brady for Deflategate has “nothing to do with Brady.” Apparently it just has to do with Brady’s needing to cheat to win games.

Game 1 of the World Series between the Mets and Royals was a marathon that went 14 innings but did well in the ratings, especially with young viewers who typically don’t watch baseball. Apparently they were attracted to the opportunity to partake in an event that let them sit on the couch without moving for five straight hours.

A penguin from the Monterey Bay Aquarium underwent successful cataract surgery. The only difficult part is getting the bird to wear the oversized sunglasses for the next six weeks.

A penguin from the Monterey Bay Aquarium underwent successful cataract surgery. Which is going to upset some seniors knowing that an arctic fowl has a better health plan than their Medicare coverage.

The U.S. copyright office says that hacking cars’ software is legal. That is good news for Volkswagen owners who can now start turning the emissions systems back on so their diesel cars will stop belching out clouds of black soot every time they start them up.

Donald Trump says he carries a gun, “sometimes a lot.” Which now finally explains what it is on top of his head that he is combing his hair over.

Donald Trump says he carries a gun, “sometimes a lot.” Which really isn’t even necessary for someone who keeps shooting himself in the foot just by opening his mouth.

At the Republican debate, Mike Huckabee compared the government to the runaway military blimp in Pennsylvania. Which confused some observers who thought when he brought up a runaway blimp was referring to Chris Christie.

Republicans at the presidential debate this week slammed the mainstream media. They say instead of trying to embarrass them on live TV, the networks should instead be covering the Benghazi hearings put together to get Hillary Clinton.

Jeb Bush says he is willing to sell kisses for tax cuts. Which is ironic because tax cuts are just another way for members of Congress to kiss their wealthy donors right on their backsides.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Royals won Game 2 of the World Series which could mean a sweep of the Mets is in the making. That would be important just to keep the baseball season from running into November. If not, the ‘Series could be put on ice because of...ice. It never gets cold around here as long as all of you take the time to keep remembering to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Here’s another climate change scare tactic. Al Gore says global warming is making people dumber. He cites a Harvard study that claims higher concentrations of CO2 in the atmosphere negatively impacts human cognition and decision-making. So the more CO2 we throw in the air - the dumber we're going to get. He may actually have a point this time, considering how many people are buying into man made climate change and voting for Hillary or Bernie.