Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that the health threat of sugar has been vastly underestimated. Which makes you wonder how much worse it can be considering that it was already being blamed for obesity, heart disease and early death.

A group of chemists has explained exactly how it feels just before a person dies. Apparently it is pretty much the same sensation that you get when you open the letter that says you have been chosen for an IRS audit.

A group of chemists has explained exactly how it feels just before a person dies. Their studies show it is pretty much the same sensation that happens right after eating a Taco Bell Gordita combination meal.

A group of chemists has explained exactly how it feels just before a person dies. Which by their best estimates will be experience by millions if they walk into the voting booth in November, 2016 and see Donald Trump listed as the Republican nominee for President.

A Georgia man went into a rage at a Waffle House when he found out the price of biscuits had been raised. Usually Waffle House customers who have been drinking heavily try to leave before they even get the bill.

A poll suggests that Ohio is up for grabs in the 2016 presidential election. Which may be a bit premature considering we haven’t even had a primary yet to decide who will might be running.

A poll suggests that Ohio is up for grabs in the 2016 presidential election. Which at least is good news for people who figure it can’t be as bad as what happened the last time an election was decided by one state and it was Florida.

An 85 year old jewel thief was arrested at an upscale Atlanta mall. Apparently she claims she was just trying to get enough money together so she could buy a coffee over at the Starbucks.

A report says that amputation, blinding and lashes are all part of Iran’s medieval system of justice. To which most Iranians are saying it could be worse. At least they don’t have to deal with the harsh decisions that come down from the bench of Judge Judy.

A study says that poor office air quality hurts workers’ decision making and performance. Especially for the people whose desk is near the employee who always gets lunch at Taco Bell.

A West Virginia school went on lockdown after a man walked onto the campus and insisted on singing Justin Bieber songs over the intercom. The worst part for him is that his choice of Bieber songs will allow prosecutors to charge him with domestic terrorism.

A report says the average student loan debt has gone up by about $10,000 over a ten year span. The good news is that those students aren’t graduating or else their loan debt would be up more like $100,000.

IBM is facing a probe over their accounting practices. It’s just too bad that the company wasn’t able to get their hands on some kind of business machine that would have been able to make the right computations.

United Airlines as apologized after a disabled man had to crawl off a flight. People were shocked at the news. No one could believe United could actually apologize for treating passengers poorly.

United Airlines as apologized after a disabled man had to crawl off a flight. Although crawling off a plane is nothing new for United passengers, especially the ones who have been sitting on the tarmac for 14 hours waiting to use the bathroom.

GM is recalling 1.4 Million vehicles dating back to 1997 for the risk of catching fire. Which is ironic as most GM car owners have been praying for their car to catch fire so they can collect the insurance and get another car.

GM is recalling 1.4 Million vehicles dating back to 1997 for the risk of catching fire. Auto industry experts were surprised. There are 1.4 Million GM cars dating back 18 years that are still on the road?

An analysis says that half of the world’s super rich are self made, while the other half inherited their money. Mostly because the self made wealthy got their money by figuring out a way to date and marry the ones who had an inheritance.

Mark Zuckerberg was in India where he visited the Taj Mahal. Apparently he was shopping for a nice summer home so he doesn’t have to stay in hotels when he is on business there.

A move by Sprint could cut off affordable Internet service to low income people. Which may not be a bad thing as most people have low incomes because they spend all day looking at cat videos, social media and Internet porn instead of getting a job.

United is experimenting with a boarding procedure that could reduce the time passengers wait in line. Which means they will be able to spend that three hours instead sitting on the plane waiting on the tarmac while the airline looks for a flight crew.

A study says that 54 Million Americans are now doing freelance work. Which is the new name for the people who wash car windows at intersections, sell oranges on freeway on ramps and hold up signs saying “Will work for food.”

A study says the health of children improved immediately after replacing sugary foods with pizza, chips and hot dogs. The only problem is that the kids now have other health problems from eating nothing but pizza, chips and hot dogs.

American Airlines says it plans to offer “no frills” fares starting next year. To which most of their passengers are asking exactly what frills they are supposedly getting now?

American Airlines says it plans to offer “no frills” fares starting next year. What could that possibly mean for anyone flying on American Airlines, no food, water or bathrooms?

The latest bottled water craze is maple flavored water. How fat have we gotten that we can’t even drink water unless it’s covered with maple syrup?

A U.S. task force is recommending every person over 40 who is overweight should get a blood sugar test. Or they could have just gone ahead with the inevitable and told every American over the age of five they probably need to get the test.

A study says that chronic constipation may signal a serious disorder. Although it could also lead to a promotion at work with management knowing that people who are constipated won’t be wasting any time using the bathroom.

A study says that chronic constipation may signal a serious disorder. Or they could actually try eating a piece of fruit for once.

A study says that end of life dementia care is costlier than other illnesses. Mostly because the patients keep making their doctors perform tests for all the other disorders they think they might have but keep forgetting.

A study says that ACL injuries are on the rise in kids and teens. Medical experts were confused. How do kids hurt their knees when the only body parts they ever use are their thumbs and wrists to play video games and text on their cellphones?

Suge Knight has pleaded not guilty to taking a camera from a photographer. Knight claims he had nothing to do with the crime and can prove it because the victim is not seriously injured or dead.

Leah Remini says Tom Cruise is the reason she left the Church of Scientology. Up until now Cruise was only credited with getting people to leave movie theaters.

Leah Remini says Tom Cruise is the reason she left the Church of Scientology. Apparently it was annoying to find a seat on a couch in the church only to have Cruise come by and start jumping up and down on it.

Former “The Price Is Right” host Bob Barker is recovering from a recent fall at his home. It was the most serious fall associate with the show other than the “Cliffhanger” climber who kept falling off a cliff every time he started yodeling.

Comcast revenues were reportedly up 11% in the third quarter even though more people are “cutting the cord.” Mostly because customers have to pay for another three years of service while they wait for the company to send someone to their home to finally disconnect them.

The Houston Texans released backup quarterback Ryan Mallett after he missed a team flight. The worst part was that he tried to convince the team he couldn’t make it to the airport on time because Tom Brady let the air out of his car tires.

Floyd Mayweather recently bought a $3.5 Million Bugatti sports car. At least his insurance rate is down because if he drives the car like he fought Manny Pacquiao he is never in danger of actually hitting anything.

Apple profits were up 31% in the most recent quarter. Which is bad news for investors who wonder why profits are up only that much when they are charging customers 350% more than what their products are worth?

Researchers are developing roads that can charge electric vehicles while they are being driven. Which is a lot better technology than the other method that requires people to buy a 15 mile long extension cord.

Oracle is building a charter high school on their California campus headquarters to educate future science and technology leaders. Which is slightly different than the preschools being built at Nike factories in China to educate their current workforce.

Apple is giving employees the option of “2G Tuesday” where they experience what it is like to have extremely slow Internet service. As opposed to dealing with extremely slow Internet service every day by signing up with AT&T.

Apple says it sold 48 Million iPhones in the last quarter. With a retail price of more than $700 people are pretty much paying for them by going down to their last quarter.

Apple says it sold 48 Million iPhones in the last quarter. Mostly the 48 Million people who needed an iPhone 6 because they have had their iPhone 5 for more than three months without an upgrade.

A report says that with the world’s largest mammals dying off, the planet is suffering from the loss of the benefits of the animals’ poop. Which shouldn’t be a problem as there is still plenty to go around with both all the upcoming presidential debates for both parties.

CIA Director John Brennan says he is “outraged” by the recent hack of his e-mails. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have some sort of connection to an intelligence gathering group that could have prevented or detected something like that happening to their leader.

CIA Director John Brennan says he is “outraged” by the recent hack of his e-mails. He says that his agents were given strict orders to only mess with the e-mail accounts of Hillary Clinton.

A poll says that Donald Trump is considered the most electable Republican candidate for President. Extrapolating that information out means that Sylvester Stallone is the favorite for an Oscar, Mel Gibson could be elected Pope and the Kardashians will win their first Nobel Prize.

Republican presidential candidate John Kasich says he is done being “polite.” Apparently he came to that decision after looking at his poll numbers and seeing that nice guys really do finish last.

Republican presidential candidate John Kasich says he is done being “polite.” And, judging by his poll numbers he is pretty much just done in general.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The World Series got off to a wild start with the Royals winning Game 1 in extra innings. The game took more than five hours, which in Los Angeles is called the time it takes to get out of Dodger Stadium and onto the Interstate 5 Freeway. I am rooting for the Royals because...well because they are playing the Mets. I would pretty much be rooting for anyone else against the Mets. Except the Giants. And of course I am always rooting for you all to remember to take the time and make sure to send the love!

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