Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Mark Zuckerberg went to China and gave a 20 minute speech completely in Mandarin. One person who wasn’t impressed was Joe Biden, who calls a 20 minute speech a vocal warmup.

Mark Zuckerberg went to China and gave a 20 minute speech completely in Mandarin. Apparently he still needs some work on the language as he closed the talk by wishing them continued Peking Duck and eternal bird’s nest soup.

A study says that human DNA has been found in hot dogs. Not surprisingly, researchers also found hot dog DNA in humans.

A study says that human DNA has been found in hot dogs. Which finally explains what may have happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

A Virginia airport is experimenting with remote control air traffic controllers. Which is good news for the controllers who can now guide planes from their couch and never even leave home for nap time.

A New York man is reportedly building a sovereign nation in a remote part of Utah. To which the Utes, Shoshone and Navajo are saying it’s already been done.

A New York man is reportedly building a sovereign nation in a remote part of Utah that will be called Zaqistan. Which could be dangerous because as soon as oil is discovered there he will be dealing with a military invasion.

A New York man is reportedly building a sovereign nation in a remote part of Utah that will be called Zaqistan. To which most people are saying why don’t we just go ahead and make the entire state its own sovereign nation?

A dog in Indiana accidentally shot its owner by stepping on a gun that was left on the ground without the safety on. The dog’s name was Trigger, and the only part of the story that would be more fitting is if the owner was named “Moron.”

Justin Trudeau says he won’t move into the traditional Canadian Prime Minister’s residence where he grew up when his father served in the same office. Mostly because he hates how everyone wants to still keep marking how tall he is on the wall.

Comedian Jimmy Morales is poised to become the next President of Guatemala. Which is no big deal. In the U.S. we are just a few primaries and a general election from pretty much doing the same thing with Donald Trump.

Donald Trump told a town hall meeting how rough his life was that his father loaned him $1 Million when he was younger and he had to pay it back with interest. The worst part of the story is that he used the money to have someone design his hair style.

An ATM that scans eyeballs for cash is being tested in the U.S. Although it would do better to scan the parking lot and deny withdrawals when it sees the person is driving a 1978 Pacer.

A report from the WHO says processed red meat causes cancer. Which is no big deal for most Americans who will die from red meat related heart disease long before they can develop cancer.

Target’s new website helps Trick-Or-Treaters find the best candy haunts in specific neighborhoods. The site was thought up and sponsored by the American Dental Association, Pepto-Bismol and Jenny Craig.

Bridgestone says it is going to buy Pep Boys for $85 Million. People were surprised. Pep Boys is still in business?

A football game between the Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars was the first NFL game made available to watch only on the Internet. Mostly because a game between the Bills and Jaguars is the sports equivalent of a movie going straight to video.

A biscuit that was taken off the Titanic has sold at auction for $23,000. Not because it was saved from the Titanic, but because it is the first food item to last that long that wasn’t a Twinkie.

New York is investigating Verizon, Time Warner and Cablevision for shortchanging customers on the Internet speed they advertise. At least they are still good with the three people they managed to sign up for the package that includes AOL.

Donald Trump says that Super Pacs are a scam. Although if they were as big a scam as he claims he would have found a way to use them to buy property by now.

Donald Trump says that Super Pacs are a scam. Which is pretty obvious in just the fact that they are the primary way for politicians to raise money to stay in office..

A report says that cheap oil will cause Saudi Arabia to run out of cash in 5 years. At this point the only thing that can save their economy is figuring out how to get camel drivers signed on as part of Uber.

A study says that candy flavors will hook the next generation of tobacco smokers. Although smoking tobacco flavored like chocolate, mint and bubble gum is still not as bad for people as eating chocolate, mints and chewing bubble gum.

A pediatricians group says that tackling for young children should only be allowed with proper technique. Which means they are recommending that kids not be allowed to watch any NFL games featuring the Detroit Lions.

A study says that poor sleep may spur weight gain in college kids. To which most people are asking who sleeps while they are in college?

A study says that poor sleep may spur weight gain in college kids. Although it isn’t really a problem for most students who just make up for any missed sleep by snoozing through their classes.

A Nevada woman froze to death when she locker herself for too long in a cryotherapy chamber. She will remain in a frozen state and will hopefully be thawed in the future when someone comes up with a cure for being a moron.

A study says that medication errors are common during surgery. Which is only to be expected, especially since using the wrong drugs is the cause for most people to be in the operating room in the first place.

A pediatric group is urging the age for buying tobacco products be raised to 21. Mostly so the pediatricians can have an excuse to get more business by taking patients up to age 21.

A study says that light meals may be safe for women in labor. Mostly because the last thing a husband needs after their wife has been in labor for 16 hours is for her to also start getting “hangry.”

A study says that people with Celiac Disease are not at any additional risk of dementia. Which is bad news for people with the condition who wish they could forget what it is like to be on a gluten-free diet.

The WHO says that processed meats are as big a cause of cancer as cigarettes. Which means that that when people talk about smoked meats they may mean that it is actually safer to roll up meat in a ZigZag and smoke it than it is to eat it.

Research says that Yelp can act as an early warning system in the case of food poisoning breakouts. Which it already is by showing the locations of every Taco Bell in the country.

Doctors are warning that climate change might threaten the health of children. Mostly because they know it’s tough enough as it is to get kids off the couch and out of the air conditioning now without it getting even warmer outside.

Lamar Odom reportedly needs a kidney transplant to recover from his recent drug overdose. The news was tough to break to the Kardashians who were finally able to realize what a kidney is when it was explained its the thing that looks like their pool.

Demi Lovato and Nick Jonas are reportedly planning a joint concert tour. Which surprised people who figured if there are ever two performers who should be performing a joint tour it is Snoop Dogg and Miley Cyrus.

Gwyneth Paltrow sparked outrage by posting an article online linking wearing bras with breast cancer. Which got millions of men to jump to her defense and say that bras must be banned immediately just because they are concerned about women’s health.

The NFL has filed an appeal of the decision to reverse Tom Brady’s suspension over Deflategate, saying Brady “participated in a scheme to deflate game balls.” It’s the biggest scheme in the NFL since requiring season ticket holders to also buy passes to the preseason.

Daily fantasy sports are facing a push for regulations in Illinois. Mostly because fantasy sports is all most people in Illinois have since its all that Cubs, White Sox, Bears, and Bulls fans have if they ever want to really be able to celebrate having a winner.

Ride sharing company Lyft has started providing service to McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas. Apparently it is for people who managed to keep from losing just enough money to hang on to their airplane tickets and not have to hitch out of town.

Wal-Mart wants to test drones for home delivery service. Apparently the company feels that drones are better able than delivery trucks to navigate their way through the trailer parks where most their packages end up.

Volkswagen has lost its global sales title to Toyota. The good news is that following their emissions cheating scandal they are trying to repair their reputation by hiring new company spokesman Tom Brady.

Scientists say that global warming could make the Persian Gulf uninhabitable by the end of the century. Which unless you are an oil rich sheik has pretty much already been the story since 1955.

Scientists say that global warming could make the Persian Gulf uninhabitable by the end of the century. Because living in a sand covered barren wasteland with summer temperatures in the 130 degree range and a repressive government seems like such an ideal place to spend your time right now.

A survey says that 18% of Americans have never paid for cable or satellite service. The other 82% have never figured out how to climb a telephone pole with a splitter and get it for free from their neighbors.

A trophy cup given to a rescue captain by Molly Brown following the sinking of the Titanic has sold for $200,000. Which is different than the trophies that are traditionally now given to Carnival Cruise captains who actually manage to get their ships safely back to port.

A poll says that half or U.S. adults say that local crime is on the rise. That was the half who raised their hands in answer to the question. The other half were raising their hands because they were in the process of being robbed.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The World Series starts tonight. I’ll watch it just to show I am not bitter about the Dodgers blowing a great opportunity to be in the Fall Classic for the first time since 1988. Which shows that I am actually very bitter about the Dodgers gassing it again. Although with the games starting on October 27th and going into November, when are they going to start dropping the “Fall” and put in the more accurate “Winter”? That’s why the Dodgers should be one of the participants. At least the L.A. games wouldn’t be under threat of blizzards or ice storms. Oh, well. All I can say at this point is “Go Royals!” and to also say that I hope you will all still manage to find the time to make sure to remember to send the love!

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