Sunday, October 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Top tech executives including Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg made $10 Billion in one day last week with a surge in the stock market. Or as Gates, Bezos and Zuckerberg call another $10 Billion, “Thursday.”

A study says that two thirds of the patients taking antidepressants do not meet the criteria for depressive disorder. To which pharmaceutical companies are saying “See, they work!”

An unexpected discovery shows that comets contain alcohol and sugar. Add some fat to that and you have the same elements that make up most Americans.

An unexpected discovery shows that comets contain alcohol and sugar. Which means all we need to do is hit one with a rocket full of strawberries or bananas and we have an intergalactic daiquiri.

Dr. Arnie Klein, called the “Father of Botox” has died at age 70. The sad part is that no one knew he wasn’t feeling well because his mouth was frozen in a smile since 1987.

Dr. Arnie Klein, Michael Jackson’s dermatologist has died at age 70. He is credited with helping Jackson overcome a hereditary skin condition when he finally was able to turn him into a white guy.

Fox News was the highest rated networks for the Benghazi Hearings coverage last week. People turned to them because of their hard hitting reports, persistent journalists and the fact that it is the only story Fox News has been covering the past three years.

J.K. Rowling has written a play that follows Harry Potter 19 years into the future. Apparently he is going through a middle age crisis where the pressures of a job and family have made it where his wand is useless unless he takes a couple of Viagras.

Two Washington state teenage boys have been busted for running a prostitution ring. That’s just another effect of the decline in the newspaper business where falling circulations mean kids can no longer get some spending cash by having a paper route.

Florida is holding its first sanctioned bear hunt in 20 years. Which is nice to see Floridians getting to use their guns for something other than domestic disputes, neighborhood arguments and road rage.

A $500 sale for the former headquarters of American Motors has been blocked because of an ownership dispute. Which is sad to think that an AMC Gremlin in semi-decent shape would bring in some better offers.

A $500 sale for the former headquarters of American Motors has been blocked because of an ownership dispute. The good news is that if the deal falls through the investors can use the same amount of cash to buy the entire operations over at Chrysler.

Drugs intended for lethal injection executions in Arizona and Texas were confiscated by the FDA. At least the states can still kill their inmates by just giving them prescriptions for the generic drug knockoffs from China on the Internet that the FDA  has approved.

A judge has dismissed a $15 Billion lawsuit against Facebook over violations of privacy. Apparently the court decided anyone with an account on a site where people post what they are eating, how much they hate their job and who they are sleeping with has pretty much given up any claims to privacy.

Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has paid his victims $1 Million in restitution. The judge blocked his first attempt to settle which consisted of giving the victims a million old $1 off coupons for any Subway sandwich combo meal.

ESPN has pulled its highlights clips off Youtube over rights issues. No one even knew that the sports network had its own library of cat videos.

Donald Trump has banned Univision reporters from covering his campaign because he is suing the network for $500 Million over the Miss USA Pageant. Which means he may have to ban Fox News as well as that’s where most the Miss USA contestants will eventually end up getting jobs.

A study says that the U.S. average income could drop 36% by 2100 because of global warming. Mostly because people will be willing to take a job with 7-Eleven just so they can stand near the refrigerated section.

Kellogg’s has come up with new flavors for its Pop-Tarts, including maple bacon. Which is ironic as eating a whole side of pork would still be healthier than a regular morning serving of a package of Pop-Tarts.

A report says there have been fewer credit card theft victims this year than last. Mostly because the credit card companies have canceled just about all their customers who still owe them money for their Christmas shopping bills left over from 2007.

A study says the most addictive foods are pizza, chocolate, cookies, chips, ice cream and French fries. Or as most Americans call that list, “breakfast.”

A study says that cheese is as addictive as drugs. Which at least makes it convenient when you need a pound of Rotterdam and can just get it from the guy wearing the trench coat on the corner.

The Obamacare website has debuted this week after being revamped. Which is great news for the people who have been sitting at their computers trying to finish the registration process since 2010.

Parents are being warned that Ecstasy pills could be mistaken for candy on Halloween. Although it turns out that taking the Ecstasy is probably less dangerous for kids than eating all their Halloween candy.

Pediatricians are being urged to join in the fight against childhood hunger. Mostly because they could solve two problems by having all their obese patients give some of their food to the kids who don’t get enough to eat.

A study says that nearly a third of all teenagers admit to taking a ride from someone who has been drinking. The other two thirds are able to get their dad to take them to school before he has had time to take his morning belts of Scotch.

A study says that nearly a third of all teenagers admit to taking a ride from someone who has been drinking. Mostly because they don’t have a choice after getting their own licenses suspended for too many DUIs.

A study says that nearly a third of all teenagers admit to taking a ride from someone who has been drinking. Mostly because who else but someone who has been drinking is going to get behind the wheel after midnight to take them to the liquor store?

A study says the human brain may change to adapt and be able to cope with pain. Apparently the research was based on brain scans done while people were in front of the TV forced to binge watch several episodes of “The Kardashians.”

A study refutes the notion that obese people fare better against chronic illness than other people. Mostly because of the fact that being morbidly obese is why the people are chronically ill in the first place.

Justin Timberlake says that he and his wife Jessica Biel are “not good at parenting yet.” Apparently it is an acquired skill that takes much time and effort to become really masterful at hiring just the right team of nannies.

Khloe Kardashian may be legally responsible to pay Lamar Odom’s $79,000 brothel bill. Which is at least a nice topic of conversation to break the ice as they start off their attempts to reconcile their marriage.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker says he offered to pay his friends $1 Million to kill him to put him out of his pain after surviving a plane crash. They said they wouldn’t do that for any amount of money, although for a six pack of beer they would gladly take care of Justin Bieber.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker says he offered to pay his friends $1 Million to kill him to put him out of his pain after surviving a plane crash. It’s just sad that it’s hard for celebrities to find any real friends that will help them with a simple request.

The San Diego Chargers have confirmed they are going to apply to move the team to L.A. The plan has been in the process for two years making this the slowest journey up the 405 Freeway since O.J. Simpson was in his white Bronco.

The Kansas City Royals fan who caught Mike Moustakas’ home run says the ball had cleared the wall. He says any other questions about the incident will be handled by his newly hired spokesman Jeffrey Maier.

A company claims their new smartcup keeps beverages at whatever temperature is selected. Which means people will no longer have to go to McDonald’s to be able to experience a cup of scalding coffee dumped onto their lap.

The New York Times Magazine posed a question to readers as to if they could go back in time, would they kill the baby Hitler? Most people said they would rather go back and pay for some anger management courses for a young Donald Trump.

Facebook has become a lifeline for some people seeking organ donations. The only problem is getting someone to read the request for an organ in between the posts of what other people are for breakfast and their latest cat videos.

Google has launched a “crisis info hub” to help refugees seeking asylum around the world. Mostly by showing them how to sneak in across the U.S. and Mexico border hidden in the trunk of a Chevy.

A watch worn by astronaut David Scott on the Moon has sold for $1.6 Million. Although some people are suspicious as the purchase was made from a New York City street corner vendor, the letter of authenticity was handwritten on the back of a Domino’s napkin and the watch brand was an official “Rolox.”

A 46 gigapixel view of the Milky Way taken by German astronomers is reportedly the largest image made to date. It is so large that their next assignment is to see if they can make a photograph large enough to take in all of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

A rare 1631 Bible is for sale that is historic in that the 7th Commandment has a misprint saying “Thou shalt commit adultery.” Which may be why it is also the exact same Bible that was used to take the Oath of Office of President by Bill Clinton.

Pandora Internet radio has agreed to pay $90 Million to stream songs written before 1972 which were previously exempted from copyright laws. Pandora decided to pay mostly because songs written before 1972 do not include anything from the disco era.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Halloween is this week, so I hope you got your costumes ready. The most popular so far is Donald Trump. Hunting stores have been inundated with people looking for road kill squirrels to put on their head to complete the look. With Halloween on the way, forget the tricks. I just want my usual treat which happens when all of you remember to take the time to send the love!

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