Friday, October 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that cheese is as addictive as drugs. Which means one day people will remember the time when you could get arrested for smoking marijuana instead of eating the pizza afterwards.

A study says that cheese is as addictive as drugs. Which means pretty soon it will be less conspicuous to the police to be seen driving in a gangsta tricked out Monte Carlo than a Toyota with a Domino’s flag on top.

Some women allowed themselves to be filmed naked in a Russian nightclub in order to win an iPhone. Which is no big deal since they will probably be using the iPhone to take and post naked selfies on the Internet.

A study says the human hand has evolved over time to become the perfect shape to make a fist for more efficient punching. Which became a necessity right after it had advanced to where it became supple enough to give someone the finger.

China’s Communist Party has banned its members from extravagant eating, extramarital sex and playing golf. Apparently the party feels if they are going to be Communists they can’t act like the capitalists who are members of Congress.

An exorcism is set to air on live TV on the night before Halloween. For those who won’t be able to watch there is always the alternative of reruns of old episodes of “The Jerry Springer Show.”

The U.S. Geological Survey has slammed a study that says there will be a 5.0 magnitude or greater earthquake in L.A. in the next two and a half years. Mostly because they ignored the fact there will probably be three or four 7.0 magnitude or larger quakes in the area before then.

McDonald’s sales are up for the first time in two years. Apparently it has to do with their around the clock breakfasts bringing in people who don’t wake up until noon and don’t feel like having a hamburger as their first meal.

The L.A. Department of Water and Power is raising water rates during the drought. Which doesn’t affect the people in Beverly Hills who know tap water as the stuff that poor people put in their pools.

The FCC has voted to slash charges of prison phone calls from inmates that were as much as $14 a minute. Mostly because it was giving the prisoners the idea that if you are AT&T, crime really does pay.

The FCC has voted to slash charges of prison phone calls from inmates that were as much as $14 a minute. Which was still reasonable when you consider how much they were being billed by their lawyer on the other end of the line.

The FCC has voted to slash charges of prison phone calls from inmates that were as much as $14 a minute. Mostly because the prisoners were asking why they were the ones sitting in a cell for stealing way less money than that.

A poll says that 75% of Americans feel the congressional Benghazi panel was politically motivated. Mostly because it was made up of members of Congress who don’t do anything that isn’t politically motivated.

A poll says that 75% of Americans feel the congressional Benghazi panel was politically motivated. The other 25% figure if it was involving Congress it had to do more with bribes, kickbacks or peddling influence.

The Mets and Cubs were the most watched NLCS since 2010. Mostly people who just wanted to be able to go to their graves bragging that they had actually lived to see the Cubs make it into the playoffs.

A 765 square foot dilapidated shack built following the San Francisco earthquake in 1906 has sold for $408,000. Not to say the home was in need of work, but the new owners are going to do a major renovation just so they can put it back on the market as a fixer upper.

A 765 square foot dilapidated shack built following the San Francisco earthquake in 1906 has sold for $408,000. Which means it came in slightly less expensive than buying an Amana refrigerator box near Ghirardelli Square.

The Federal Reserve has blocked a push by Colorado to create a bank to service the pot industry. The state would prefer that instead of having all the marijuana dispensaries fronted by pizzerias, bakeries and cookie shops.

The Federal Reserve has blocked a push by Colorado to create a bank to service the pot industry. Mostly because traditional banks won’t give the marijuana shops a three month grace period on paying their loans because they “must have spaced it.”

A study says that car infotainment systems that work on voice commands are distracting to drivers. Although still not as distracting as the other voice commands that drivers deal with like “We’re hungry,” “Can we pull over?” and “Can’t we get there any faster?”

Donald Trump thanked Joe Biden on Twitter for not running for President. After which Hillary Clinton, the media and late night TV hosts thanked Trump for making their lives so much easier by deciding to run.

Mazda has recalled nearly 5 Million vehicles from 1989 to 1998 because of a fire risk. People were surprised at the news. There are Mazdas from 1989 that are still on the road?

A study says that 39% of Millennials in L.A. are chronically stressed about money. There’s an easy solution to that one. Move to somewhere other than L.A.

A study says that 39% of Millennials in L.A. are chronically stressed about money. The other 61% are just freeloading in their parents’ basement and are good as long as they have enough cash for pizza and an occasional new video game.

The Fresh & Easy grocery chain in California, Nevada and Arizona has closed their doors for good. One thing that might have kept them from going under was the rule of not naming a food store something that sounds more like a feminine hygiene product.

The federal government reports that 8 people have died and 98 were injured by exploding Takata airbags. Which means they are still the cause of fewer casualties than whoopee cushions, hand buzzers and snakes-in-a-can.

A human leg was reportedly stolen from a transport van in L.A. that was owned by organ donation non-profit OneLegacy. Which means they now have to change their name to No-Leg-acy.

Scientists say that Parkinson’s Disease can be detected by changes in the patient’s smell. Although it’s still a lot harder to use the technique to see if someone has Parkinson’s as compared to someone who has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The CDC says there have been 15 cases of human plague this year in the U.S. The good news is that every one of the patients has been offered a position to work at a Medieval Times restaurant.

An analysis says that Fairfax, Virginia near Washington, D.C. has the highest number of gyms per capita. The number would be higher in Alabama except that people there say they are only interested in joining a gym that has drive-thru service.

“Back To The Future” screenwriter Bob Gale says that Donald Trump was his inspiration for Biff Tannen, the movie’s bully. Forget the hoverboard and Cubs in the World Series, that guy called the future right on the money.

“Back To The Future” screenwriter Bob Gale says that Donald Trump was his inspiration for Biff Tannen, the movie’s bully. Which leaves no doubt that when it came to coming up with the character of Doc Brown he must have been thinking of Bernie Sanders.

Bradley Cooper says he is friends with Jennifer Lawrence and that he will never sleep with her. Or as every guy in America translates that sentence, Bradley Cooper has just admitted he is gay.

Bradley Cooper says he is friends with Jennifer Lawrence and that he will never sleep with her. Or as every woman in America is translating that sentence, Bradley Cooper wants to sleep with Jennifer Lawrence.

Oscar telecast producers say they are putting no limits on Chris Rock when he hosts the awards show in 2016. Writers are hoping to keep controversy out of his routine and would rather fall back on other material so they are just praying that Adam Sandler releases a new movie before then.

Lamar Odom’s family says his speech is improving with therapy after his recent drug overdose. In fact, he is doing so well that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s agent has bought him a gift certificate to go to the Nevada brothel of his choice.

Khloe Kardashian has reportedly taken Lamar Odom back after he swore off drugs. And why wouldn’t she take the word of someone making that pledge right after being hospitalized for an overdose while at a Nevada brothel?

Simon Cowell has been named to replace Howard Stern as a judge on “America’s Got Talent.” Which will soon see the show be retitled “American TV Viewers Are Gluttons For Punishment.”

Musician Carrie Brownstein was interviewed by the New York Times where she said she “didn’t want to be famous.” Well, as far as that goes she is pretty much getting her wish.

An NFL fan is pushing to get an asterisk placed next to all of the New England Patriots Super Bowl wins because he claims they won by cheating. So while the fan wants an asterisk, so far the only punctuation referenced by the league is to tell him to blow it out his colon.

The new CEO of Twitter is giving one third of his stock in the company to employees. Mostly so he can dump it before it falls any farther and can use it as a year end tax write off.

The new CEO of Twitter is giving one third of his stock in the company to employees. There’s nothing to instill confidence in the new company leader like having him come in and give away his ownership in the company saying “You take it!”

A jump in Amazon stock has made Jeff Bezos the third wealthiest man in the U.S. behind Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. Although they could all be passed by Donald Trump if he wins the presidency and can go through with his plan to go on HGTV to renovate and flip the White House.

Google has awarded $5.5 Million to Bay Area non-profits. Which unfortunately now pretty much is made up of HP, Twitter and Yahoo.

Astronomers say they are watching the hottest, most massive pair of joined stars that are heading for a spectacular disaster. Which most people are taking to mean that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are on the rocks.

An intern of Donald Trump has apologized for a retweet that insulted the people of Iowa. Trump has no idea what to do about it. He is torn between promoting the intern for making an insult and firing them for apologizing.

Lincoln Chafee says he is planning to update his campaign. Mostly moving out of 1975 with his pledge to get the U.S. on the metric system.

Lincoln Chafee says he is planning to update his campaign. The first issue of order is to try to answer the voters’ main question. Who is Lincoln Chafee?

Paul Ryan says he will run for Speaker of the House. Apparently the word got out when workers at the Capitol were seen moving John Boehner’s tanning bed into Ryan’s office.

Joe Biden says he won’t be running for President because there isn’t enough time left. Mostly because by the time he finished his speech announcing his candidacy, there would only be three weeks left until the election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news in the world of comedy. Marty Ingels has died at age 79. Anyone who watched TV in the ‘60s and ‘70s (what else was there to do then?) remembers him from his show “I’m Dickens, he’s Fenster” and appearances on just about every game show and series that was ever made. A very funny man who was reportedly just as funny off camera as on, he will be missed for his humor as well as his trademark gravelly voice. Remember the great Marty Ingels today, and if you get a chance try to make sure to also take the time to send the love!

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