Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ted Cruz says the Obama Administration views the Internet as a threat. Which isn’t true. There would be even more people writing bad things about the President online if they weren’t spending so much time on Facebook, Youtube and searching for porn.

A report says that newsrooms will soon be using algorithms and automation to report the news. Which is already being done at several right wing web sites with the basis that everything is President Obama’s fault.

A report says that newsrooms will soon be using algorithms and automation to report the news. Although using robots to write the news as they are programmed is really nothing news. Fox News has been doing it since 1995.

A theater chain has apologized for the new “Star Wars” movie ticket sales crashing websites from too much traffic. Apparently the problem had something to do with the movie studio using the same tech crew that created the Obamacare website.

A 100 year old New York woman still works six days a week at a dry cleaners. She has some advice to Millennials in their 20s who are just starting out their careers in this economy. “Get used to it.”

A new treatment for schizophrenia calls for smaller doses of medications and more one-on-one talk. The good news is that the schizophrenic patients can save a lot of money and go even further by having group therapy sessions with themselves.

Chinese scientists have reportedly created genetically engineered dogs that have more muscle mass. Or as that is called in Korea, extra white meat.

A Republican congressman from Alabama is already calling to impeach Hillary Clinton if she is elected President. Apparently he would charge her with destroying government property for breaking all the White House China throwing it at Bill when she found out about Monica.

A Republican congressman from Alabama is already calling to impeach Hillary Clinton if she is elected President. Apparently Republicans were thinking ahead by saving all the impeachment templates from the time they tried to kick her husband out.

A shortage of an execution drug has some people calling for a return to firing squads for the death penalty. Which has caused prisoners to start their own groups saying it really is time to implement some strict gun control laws.

San Francisco may allow bicyclists to slow down and just yield to traffic at stop signs. To which bicyclists everywhere are saying “What’s a stop sign?”

San Francisco may allow bicyclists to slow down and just yield to traffic at stop signs. Which really isn’t a problem since you pretty much have to be an Olympic caliber bicyclists to even make it up one of those hills in the city.

Jim Webb has reportedly dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary. Which is too bad because he had just gotten to the point where some voters had enough interest to ask “Who is this Webb guy?”

Jim Webb has reportedly dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary. His consolation was at least polling ahead of those other two candidates that no one had ever heard of either.

Jim Webb has reportedly dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary. He was hoping to get to that important 50% point in polling but Hillary Clinton unfortunately was hoarding the other 49% he needed.

Researchers say that matching Wal-Mart’s employee raises could cost other retailers $4 Billion. Not the extra nickel they gave their hourly employees, the $4 Billion additional bonus the Walton family members decided to give themselves.

Lexus tops the latest Consumer Reports reliability survey. Although GM and Chrysler came in right behind them. Their owners say there is nothing more reliable than knowing every month their cars will be recalled for some new defect.

Sony could pay up to $8 Million to settle a lawsuit over a hack of their computers. Studio executives say the losses could have been worse. At least they didn’t decide to bankroll the latest Adam Sandler movie.

A survey says the biggest threat to teen safety is driving with distracted driving increasing the chances of accidents. Remember when the only distraction for teens in a car came when they got into the back seat?

The head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration wants cars that can “talk” to each other to be on the roads soon. Although when he says he wants digital communication he doesn’t mean the current method of drivers giving each other the finger.

The head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration wants cars that can “talk” to each other to be on the roads soon. He knows the cars will be ready when they can actually say “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.”

GM says the Chevy Volt electric car range could be over 200 miles. Or as Chrysler calls 200 miles, "the lifetime warranty.”

Subway says it will switch to antibiotic-free chicken and turkey later this year. Getting antibiotics in restaurant meat is a different business model than Taco Bell where people have to take antibiotics after eating restaurant meat.

Subway says it will switch to antibiotic-free chicken and turkey later this year. Which is too bad since congressional Republicans were using antibiotic laced meats as part of their healthcare alternative to Obamacare.

A study says the labor market increasingly rewards social skills. For instance, United Airlines is looking for people who can calmly and rationally explain to angry customers who booked a flight to Memphis why they are in Detroit and their luggage is in Newark.

 A study says the labor market increasingly rewards social skills. Mostly because the only way to keep from being replaced by a robot in today’s workforce is to have the ability to always be there to kiss the boss’s behind.

The IRS says it is taking steps to prevent tax refund fraud in the future. Mostly as part of the entire government and business policies which are making sure that more Americans every year don’t have an income that gets taxed in the first place.

Investigators say that most victims of Bernie Madoff will get all their money back. Now all they have to work on is getting money back from the people who bought subprime mortgages, invested in GM and put their money into Pets.com.

A study says that using Botox after heart bypass surgery evens out irregular rhythms. Which means that Cher won’t even have to visit a cardiologist until she reaches her 110th birthday.

A study says that people who are wealthier do better after having heart surgery. Mostly because it’s too much stress on the hearts of poor people who are wondering how they are going to pay for their heart surgery.

A study says that people who are wealthier do better after having heart surgery. Especially the ones who are rich enough to have the surgery done by someone who has actually operated on human hearts before.

A Washington State woman gave birth to twins 18 days apart. While it was quite an ordeal, it was nowhere near what her husband had to go through hearing “You did this to me!” for nearly three straight weeks.

A study says that muscle relaxants and opioids offer no benefit for back pain. To which the people who use them most are saying “Back pain?”

Consumer advocates say that Halloween makeup could be harmful to kids. But only because the better the costume, the more Trick-Or-Treat candy they get that keeps them sick the next three months.

Today is “Back To The Future Day,” when Marty McFly visits October 21, 2015 from the 1980s. Or as they call Back to the Future day in Iran, going forward to 1533.

Duchess Kate was reportedly a hit at her first State Dinner which honored the President of China. Apparently her years of training to be a member of the Royal Family were put to the test but she didn’t disappoint and was able to correctly pick the right fork and spoon for each course.

Zooey Deschanel revealed the name of her baby daughter is Elsie Otter. Which is no surprise that a celebrity would be named after an animal when her mom was named after a place where animals are kept.

Marshawn Lynch was reportedly drag racing with a teammate who crashed. If Lynch is called into court, hopefully he won’t tell the judge he is just there to keep from being fined.

Cliff Pennington of the Toronto Blue Jays became the first position player to ever take the mound in the playoffs in a 12-2 loss to the Royals. Why not? When you are already down 10 runs how much worse can a shortstop be at trying to find the strike zone?

Tiger Woods says his recovery from back surgery will be “long and tedious.” Although at least it won’t be as long and as expensive as his recovery from crashing his SUV and being found to have 15 mistresses.

A court is weighing in on the Justice Department’s use of a 1984 law to prosecute hackers. Critics say the law is outdated, especially considering the first defendants ever brought up on charges were Mario and Luigi.

Apple has told a judge it is “impossible” to access a locked iPhone. At least for anyone not savvy enough about technology to first try getting through its password system by typing in either “password” or “12345.”

Gamers have started a Little League for e-sports where young children can try their hand at competitive gaming. Instead of the old days where kids would go to their games with a bat and glove, they now report for competition with a couch and bag of chips.

Today is “Back To The Future Day,” when Marty McFly traveled in time to October 21, 2015. The movie features the Cubs winning the World Series, and this year they made it to the League Championship Series. Although with the team now down 3-0 it’s more like “Back to Reality.”

Some New York City taxis will get GPS-based fare meters. The new technology will make for easier billing, working with apps for cab hailing and most importantly showing riders their cabbie isn’t taking them to Midtown by going through New Jersey.

A survey says that one third of all people would give up their car before their smartphone. Mostly because they know they can’t have both, especially when they use the smartphone to text while driving and inevitably crash into a tree.

A watch worn on the Moon by Apollo 15 flight commander Dave Scott will be put up for auction. The question on everyone’s mind is just what time zone do you use during a lunar expedition?

A watch worn on the Moon by Apollo 15 flight commander Dave Scott will be put up for auction. Apparently he took a watch because he would get in trouble if he didn’t call his wife every day right at 5:00 to let her know why he wasn’t home yet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a big day in Charleston here in West Virginia. President Obama is making a quick visit here. That’s a real surprise, considering in the 2012 election he got somewhere around three votes across the state. But it’s always good to get on the national stage, especially when it’s not about some disaster or being ranked at the bottom of some survey. At least he will be visiting on a nice day with plenty of sunshine and mild conditions. I hope he has a nice time here and comes back again. I won’t be going to see him but I will have a good day as long as all of you remember to take some time to send the love!

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