Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bernie Sanders says he wants to raise the payroll tax on everyone to fund extended paid family leave time. The only problem is that pretty much everyone is already on family leave time since they lost their job back in 2007.

Bernie Sanders says he wants to raise the payroll tax on everyone to fund extended paid family leave time. The only question for most people who want family leave time is which of their three minimum wage jobs would they take off.

A report says that Canadians are troubled that their election campaigns last 11 weeks. Americans didn’t pay much attention to the news since we are already looking ahead at the presidential race for 2024.

Oslo, Norway is planning to ban cars in its city center by 2019. Mostly because nine moths out of the year most people get around town by using cross country skis.

A study says that using social media actually makes Millennials less social. Mostly because they spend most of their time messaging other people and checking on Facebook without ever having to come out of their parents’ basement.

A study says that using social media actually makes Millennials less social. Which makes sense because smartphones seem to make everyone less smart.

A Samsung project is working to develop robots to replace cheap Chinese labor. Which means U.S. workers who had their jobs outsourced to China can now ask the Chinese workers “So how do YOU like it?”

A Samsung project is working to develop robots to replace cheap Chinese labor. The worst part is that South Korea is going to save money by outsourcing the cheap labor to build the robots to the Chinese workers who will be replaced by the robots they make.

A Samsung project is working to develop robots to replace cheap Chinese labor. The tough part will be for the displaced Chinese workers who will find themselves being washed up and having to be retrained by age 6.

A report says the Playboy Mansion in L.A. has become a squalid, decaying house that is musty and falling apart. What’s even worse is that 89 year old owner Hugh Hefner still has a VCR in every room that constantly flashes “12:00.”

A report says that big banks are starting to charge customers for cash deposits. The big problem now for corporations is finding a mattress big enough to hold the $1 Trillion in cash they have been squirreling away since 2008.

A report says that big banks are starting to charge customers for cash deposits. Corporations are in a fix since they stopped paying employees and paying taxes and their executives are worn out from figuring out how to spend their next bonus checks.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says a debt limit “accident” could be trouble for the country. Although is it really considered an accident when something goes wrong after racking up $18 Trillion in debt?

A road rage detector could be available soon that monitors drivers’ stress and fatigue and suggests treatments to calm them down. The seat can detect three levels of potential outbursts: Angry, furious and Mel Gibson.

A report says the personal e-mail account of CIA director John Brennan has been hacked. Which makes it the last time he gives Hillary Clinton his e-mail address.

A report says the personal e-mail account of CIA director John Brennan has been hacked. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have access to some sort of secret intelligence organization that might have been able to see that coming and detect it in advance.

A New York woman is being charged after leaving her 4 month old niece in a car that was stolen outside a Subway restaurant. It was the most danger any young child has been in at a Subway other than when there was a personal appearance by Jared Fogle.

The U.S. says it will clean up an area of Spain where it accidentally dropped four H-Bombs in 1966. The U.S. feels it should do the clean up since it isn’t like the bombs were dropped on an area where it wouldn’t matter, like over France.

The U.S. says it will clean up an area of Spain where it accidentally dropped four H-Bombs in 1966. A little known fact is that the pilot who accidentally released the H-Bombs as soon as he pushed the wrong button also muttered the first F-Bomb.

A study says the birthplace of the modern dog is somewhere in Central Asia. Shortly after that the dogs were transported over to South Korea where it was soon discovered how they should be properly baked, broiled and fried.

A study says that birth order stereotypes may not be true. Although the study won’t be able to be completed unless Jeb Bush is elected President and it can be evaluated if his younger brother could possibly do any worse.

A study says that birth order stereotypes may not be true. Mostly because none of the researchers can see any difference in which of the Kardashian sisters can be the most annoying.

A study says that people who are prone to anxiety react better to bad news. Mostly because to anyone who really suffers from anxiety, the bad news is never as bad as what they were afraid was going to happen.

A study says that people who are prone to anxiety react better to bad news. Except if the bad news is that their prescriptions for Xanax, Valium and Prozac aren’t being renewed.

A report from a pediatric group says that drinking alcohol is never good for pregnant women. Although it would have been better advice for the women who if they hadn’t been drinking alcohol wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.

A study says the number of moles on a person’s right arm could be tied to a risk of skin cancer. What’s even worse is when the person’s right arm is also covered in shrews, gophers and chipmunks.

The WHO says that countries need to enact laws to prevent the 1.25 Million yearly traffic deaths. Like in the U.S. where lenient gun laws mean most people have a even money chance at getting shot to death before they even make it to their car.

Researchers say they are getting close to developing a blood test that can detect Alzheimer’s Disease. The first clue is when they ask a patient which arm they would like to have their blood drawn from and they can’t remember which one is their left or right.

Scientists say that sitting with crossed legs is not as bad as previously thought. Except in the case of Sharon Stone where uncrossing them pretty much made her movie career.

Canadian airline WestJet has unveiled a Disney “Frozen” themed jet as part of its fleet. The only problem is even on flights to Florida the airport workers keep trying to de-ice it.

The movie “Pan” is reportedly a box office bust. Not only is “Pan” the name of the film, it also pretty much describes all the movie reviews.

The NFL is planning to hold hearings in St. Louis, Oakland and San Diego on potential relocation to L.A. The only question is which of the cities is more excited about the prospect of sending their team off to become someone else’s headache.

Knicks coach Derek Fisher says rebuilding the team is going to be a long term project. Which is already a given considering that’s what they have pretty much been doing ever since their last championship in 1973.

Oscar Pistorius has been released from prison after a year and placed under house arrest. Even O.J. Simpson read that and asked who is heading up his legal team.

Oscar Pistorius has been released from prison after a year and placed under house arrest. No one had any idea that Judge Ito had relocated to South Africa.

Oscar Pistorius has been released from prison after a year and placed under house arrest. Even Roger Goodell is asking who is in charge of handing out sentences there.

Congress is set to hold hearings starting in November concerning the fantasy sports industry. Apparently one of the committee members got a bust and some damaged goods on his draft selections.

Congress is set to hold hearings starting in November concerning the fantasy sports industry. Which is good as it will give them a break from all those complicated things people keep asking them to look into like the economy, unemployment and health care.

A survey says that 65% of Germans still support Volkswagen despite their emissions scandal. The bad part is the other 35% still support the days when Kaiser Wilhelm was in charge.

SunTrust Bank in Atlanta is laying off 100 IT workers who as part of their severance must be on call to help for the next two years with no pay. Apparently some of the people in Georgia are still a little fuzzy about what that whole Civil War thing was about.

The FAA is seeking to regulate the use of drones. Apparently the idea is once they can get those tiny plane owners to do what they want they can start working on those bigger planes like the ones owned by American, Southwest and United airlines.

Amazon is suing 1,000 people who reportedly wrote fake reviews for $5 each. Apparently Amazon knows they are fake because they only pay people $1 each to write fake good reviews about Amazon.

An auction will sell scientific instruments dating back to the 14th century. Or as selling off 14th century technology is called in Iran, the Consumer Electronic Show.

An auction will sell scientific instruments dating back to the 14th century. Or as 14th century technology is called in Silicon Valley, a RadioShack TRS-80.

The FAA says that new drone rules will include hobbyists as well. Or as most people call amateur drone pilots, “voyeurs,” “Peeping Toms” or “creepers.”

A picture of the iceberg that might have sunk the Titanic is expected to be sold for up to $15,000. There hasn’t been that much paid for a picture of anything so cold other than the stare Hillary Clinton is giving Bill in their official White House portrait.

A picture of the iceberg that might have sunk the Titanic is expected to be sold for up to $15,000. Which brings up the question as why when there was a major maritime disaster in the works was someone taking a picture of an iceberg?

Oprah Winfrey reportedly made $70 Million in one day with her purchase of 10% of Weight Watchers. Leave it to Oprah to make a ton by trying to get people to lose one.

Oprah Winfrey reportedly made $70 Million in one day with her purchase of 10% of Weight Watchers. Only Oprah would find a way to make people who want to be thinner help make her wallet get even fatter.

Astronaut Scott Kelly has set an American record for the most days in space at 383. Although if you think about it, aren’t we all pretty much just floating around in space?

Astronaut Scott Kelly has set an American record for the most days in space at 383. He was able to set the record partly because he is working on an important experiment, partly to establish relations with Russian cosmonauts and mostly because NASA pretty much forgot they left him up there.

Astronaut Scott Kelly has set an American record for the most days in space at 383. He says he misses his family, modern conveniences on Earth, and above all misses having the choice to drink something other than Tang.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says he may skip the next Republican presidential debate. To which most people are asking “He took part in the first two debates?”

Jim Webb says be may launch a run as an independent candidate for President. Although when your polling numbers are down around 1%, it means you already are pretty much an independent candidate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s good to be back on a regular schedule with the work and the jokes and whatever else it is I do. The good news is that my daughter Summer and I both were promoted to brown/black stripe belt in Karate meaning that our next test will be for black belt. It will take a lot of work but we are up to it. The only question I have is why do you have to get so beat up learning to defend yourself? And, as most people in public office know, a roundhouse kick has nothing on taking down someone like a good punchline. And nothing brings me up like when you all remember to take the time to send the love!

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