Friday, October 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Joe Biden is still thinking about running for President, and now Al Gore is reportedly considering another run. Apparently the Democrats are tired of missing out on the circus going on over on the Republican side with 17 candidates and want to get on all the fun.

A student brawl broke out at a Wisconsin high school named after President Obama. If administrators had known there would have been a free-for-all breaking out they would have instead named the school after Congress.

A new government code lists 70,000 ways to become sick, injured or killed. Apparently the deadliest combination is driving a Kia with Takata airbags while texting on the way to eat at a Taco Bell.

Speculation is growing that Secretary of State John Kerry will win the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the Iran nuclear deal. To which the swiftboaters are all saying he will take credit for the award but all the work at the negotiating table was actually done by Malala.

Speculation is growing that Secretary of State John Kerry will win the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the Iran nuclear deal. Republicans say they deserve some credit as the past seven Nobel Prize winners have all gotten the award because of what was done while George W. Bush was President.

A hotel in Switzerland is offering a room for $2,000 a night that looks like the inside of a space station. Which means it is pretty much an empty room in the basement with a treadmill and all the bathroom scales set to “zero.”

A hotel in Switzerland is offering a room for $2,000 a night that looks like the inside of a space station. Which means that all the meals are served out of toothpaste tubes and you have to share the living quarters with a chimp in a space suit.

A new app allows people to rate others based on their personalities, professionalism and dating. Is that really necessary? Isn’t that pretty much what most people think Facebook is for?

The price of real estate in Manhattan has soared to nearly $1,500 a square foot. Which is great if you don’t mind paying $120,000 for an abandoned phone booth.

The price of real estate in Manhattan has soared to nearly $1,500 a square foot. Although the price could be less depending on the make and model of the refrigerator box you are planning to move into.

Two new rooms have reportedly been discovered in the tomb of King Tut. The discovery means the 3,300 year old site now qualifies to be in the running for a remodeling fixer upper project to be shown on HGTV.

Dunkin’ Donuts says it will close 100 stores by next year. The good news is that part of the reason is the economy has improved enough where people can actually afford to buy their coffee at Starbucks again.

Former baseball manager Bobby Valentine says that steroids should be legalized for sports. Mostly because if the teams he managed had juiced up and given him better than a .504 career winning percentage he might still be working.

GM has told Silicon Valley that they will be competing with them to lead the way in designing and selling driverless cars. The question that is going to haunt GM is whether people looking for new technology are more likely to go with the company that came up with the iPhone or the one that developed the Chevette?

GM has told Silicon Valley that they will be competing with them to lead the way in designing and selling driverless cars. Although when it comes to quality control, people will be asking is when is the last time they have ever had their iPad recalled?

2015 will be a record setting year for the number of guns found on carry on luggage at airports. Mostly because TSA workers are actually looking inside bags again ever since they took away their nude X-Ray scanners.

A study says that homes that close on October 8th have bigger price discounts than any other day of the year. Mostly because it turns out the favorite day for home foreclosures is October 7th.

Staples says it will stay closed on Thanksgiving this year. Mostly because they finally figured out that office supplies are just not that big of a draw for people looking for bargains on Black Friday weekend.

A company is marketing caffeinated peanut butter. Which may be a good idea. When is the last time you ended up with third degree burns from spilling a scalding cup of peanut butter into your lap?

A company is marketing caffeinated peanut butter. Although it probably won’t take long for kids to figure out what is going on when they actually end up staying awake in all their classes every time their mother packs their lunch.

The new United Airlines CEO started out his position by making an apology. Although after six months the only thing he will be sorry about will be accepting that job.

The new United Airlines CEO started out his position by making an apology. Which is good because if he stays in that position any length of time he will have to get used to it.

The new United Airlines CEO started out his position by making an apology about past mistakes the company has made. Although he may be rethinking his decision when he found out his key to the executive washroom comes with a $5 fee per visit.

A study says that Internet use is not the reason for teenage weight gain. Except for the teenage girls who become pregnant by meeting middle aged men online.

A study says that Internet use is not the reason for teenage weight gain. Apparently it is all the pizza, donuts and chips they are eating while they are sitting in front of a computer screen while on the Internet all day.

A study says that drugged driving is on the rise, mostly from the legalization of marijuana. The good news is it turns out people who are stoned out of their minds are still less likely to crash than people who are sober and texting while driving.

A German man who is known as “the babymaker” because of all the children he has fathered through sperm donation clinics is now up to 106 children and counting. Which is noteworthy because if he fathers another ten children that will officially catch him up with Kevin Federline.

A German man who is known as “the babymaker” because of all the children he has fathered through sperm donation clinics is now up to 106 children and counting. Which means at this pace, in another year or two he could be named as an honorary Duggar.

A report says that a sampling of 65 U.S. wines found arsenic in nearly every one. Although people who drank the wines with the heaviest concentrations still ended up feeling better the next day than after guzzling a whole box of Gallo.

A study says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, with half of all people having unique face preferences. Which may finally explain how Lena Dunham ever became considered a sex symbol.

A study says it is getting harder for people to lose weight. Which is understandable given the recent development of the smartphone app for just about any 24 hour pizzeria.

England has banned smoking in cars with children inside. The only problem so far for nicotine addicts is getting their kids used to riding in the trunk.

England has banned smoking in cars with children inside. Which is ironic in that the people will refrain from smoking around their kids only to take them home and whip up some British food for dinner.

The first guide dog has been trained to run with blind athletes. Which means all it would take to set a world record is the timely appearance of a squirrel.

A study says that low nicotine cigarettes cut people’s use and dependence on tobacco. The only problem for most hard core smokers is being able to fit seven of them in their mouth at the same time.

John Guillermin, who directed the movie “The Towering Inferno” has died at age 89. His cremation will be attended by several Hollywood celebrities as well as five engine companies, two rescue companies and a hook and ladder.

Jennifer Lawrence says that if Donald Trump is elected President it will be “the end of the world.” No one even knew she was in the country illegally.

The royalties for the inventors of Gatorade have passed a billion dollars. Which is a lot of money to be made from a product that is only used anymore to dump on the heads of winning coaches.

The New York Jets say they have shipped 350 rolls of toilet paper to England for their game against the Miami Dolphins. Which they will need every last sheet after the team meal featuring haggis.

The New York Jets say they have shipped 350 rolls of toilet paper to England for their game against the Miami Dolphins. Apparently they are so picky about which bathroom tissue to use that they have officially named Mr. Whipple as their twelfth man.

The New York Jets say they have shipped 350 rolls of toilet paper to England for their game against the Miami Dolphins. The real problem is when they get there and try to go into a sundry shop looking for some dental floss.

A judge has ruled that confidential files in the Hulk Hogan sex tape trial will remain sealed. To which all most people can say about that is “Good!”

Ford executive chairman Bill Ford says the city of the future will have people tethered to their smartphones. It’s amazing when people have the ability to look into the future and see what has already been going on for the past five years.

Ford executive chairman Bill Ford says the city of the future will have people tethered to their smartphones. Which is already true for any Ford owners who are constantly on their cellphones calling for a tow truck.

Microsoft has launched a Skype translator which will break the language barrier for anyone using the video chat service. Although the only translation needed by most men using Skype is how to say “Take off your top.”

Marine biologists in Scotland have captured a rare sofa shark. Apparently it got its name because it sits on the couch all day watching episodes of “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

A Russian scientist says he has injected himself with a 3.5 Billion year old bacteria in a quest for eternal life. If he wants to ingest something that will make him immortal he should just start eating whatever it is they put in Twinkies.

The New York Yankees clinched a playoff berth by winning their 10,000th game in franchise history. Despite all those wins and games over the years, the team still hasn’t come close to making near as many plate appearances as Chris Christie.

The U.S. government is set to default in the next five weeks if no action is taken by Congress. Which is ironic in that the reason we are in so much debt and close to default is from when Congress does take action.

The U.S. government is set to default in the next five weeks if no action is taken by Congress. Is it really that urgent? If we haven’t gone belly up after piling up $18 Trillion in debt it is probably never going to happen.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has reportedly spent 90% of the money it has raised over the summer. Mostly in hiring computer consultants who are trying to figure out how to get her personal e-mail account finally transferred over from AOL.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has reportedly spent 90% of the money it has raised over the summer. Mostly on rentals to use while the Chevrolet “Scooby” van they were using was being recalled every other week.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad to see we have had another mass shooting in the U.S., this time in Roseburg, Oregon. I feel a bit of a connection as I used to live in Medford and actually went to Roseburg once. Once again the gun lobby is waiting to see if it was a Muslim doing the shooting to blame it on terrorism, or if not then it was someone who was mentally ill. But let’s face it, the shootings are usually done with assault weapons that fire hundreds of rounds a minute. I am a gun owner. It’s a .22 rifle with a single shot bolt action. If the shooter had been using that, there would have not even been any injuries. I’m not anti-gun. I think people should be able to own guns for protection and hunting. I just can’t see a reason for giving the general public AK-47s or AR-15s to use for human target practice. Thoughts to all the families of the victims in Roseburg and elsewhere who have lost people to senseless attacks. That is who I hope today you will all be sending the love!

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