Saturday, October 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz suffered a heart attack 38 days into the job. Mostly because it has taken him every part of the entire 38 days trying to book a round trip flight on United.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz suffered a heart attack 38 days into the job.  Which coincidentally is the same amount of time it takes to complete the average trip using United.

X-Rays have shown that “text neck,” a curvature of the spine is evident on children as young as 7. Which means there could eventually be a new movie called “The Hunchback of AT&T.”

A town in Poland allows people to break household items for a fee. Or they could just do like everyone else and reserve a room in a Motel 6.

A British man who obsesses about parrots cut off his ears and wants his nose shaped like a beak so he could be more like them. When asked for a comment, all he would say is that he wanted a cracker.

A survey of McDonald’s franchisees says they believe the brand is in a deep depression and is facing its “final days.” Which is exactly the same reaction of their customers who look in a mirror after eating there for thirty years.

A Dutch team that has grown the world’s first lab burger says they hope to have it on the market in five years. They want to point out that serving meat grown in a lab is different than Korean restaurants that serve meat that comes from someone’s pet lab.

Secretary of State John Kerry says that climate change and food security are the main threats to global stability. Meaning that people are less likely to start uprisings if we can keep them warm and fat.

A TSA agent is being accused of taking bribes to allow pot shipments go through LAX. Suspicions were raised when the agent kept leaving work carrying several boxes of pizza, Doritos and Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

A TSA agent is being accused of taking bribes to allow pot shipments go through LAX. Apparently they just had the smugglers pack them in with the guns, knives and explosives that all the other agents never seem to be able to detect, either.

The group that owns the dating sites Tinder and Match has filed to go public. They are looking for investors who are that special someone who likes to stay in just as much as go out and take long walks on the beach.

Florida prosecutors have subpoenaed a fantasy sports trade association. Not only that, but the prosecutor is getting legal help from Clarence Darrow, William Jennings Bryan and Abe Lincoln.

Playboy says that it is trying to attract a broader and younger audience. Younger and broader meaning someone other than men over age 65.

A study says that ancient humans may have slept fewer hours than thought without it harming their health. Meaning that some people living thousands of years ago got five hours or fewer a night and still managed to live past the age of 27.

A study says that high cholesterol is linked to tendon trouble. Especially if the high cholesterol is caused by the tendons in the wrist that help carry those slices of pizza all the way up to the person’s mouth.

Selena Gomez says she has questioned her sexuality. Mostly when she realized she couldn’t get rid of her attraction to Justin Bieber.

A study says that hangovers cost American businesses $77 Billion a year in lost production. Which is still nowhere near as much as companies are losing from their employees spending all their time on porn, Facebook and fantasy football.

A study says having a positive outlook could help heart disease patients. Mostly the ones who manage to convince themselves there is still a chance that their health insurance policy might actually help cover some of their cardiologist’s bill.

A study says that big brains don’t necessarily mean a higher IQ. Besides, men are much more concerned with the size of their other “brain.”

A study says that big brains don’t necessarily mean a higher IQ. When is the last time you saw an elephant finishing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle without any help?

A study says that excessive drinking costs the U.S. $249 Billion a year. Which is much better than the $18 Trillion in debt racked up on whatever it is they are smoking in Congress.

Researchers have linked brain inflammation to schizophrenia. At least that’s what they want us all to think.

A Chinese model and actress who goes by Angelababy was ordered by a court to prove her own face is “real” with no plastic surgery. To which Cher said “There are really still people like that in the world?”

Lindsay Lohan says she wants to run for President in 2020. The only question is how will she deal with an $18 Trillion national debt when she can’t even add well enough to realize she will be 34 by then and a year shy of the 35 years of age needed to run.

A survey says that the British think New Yorkers have the sexiest U.S. accents. Apparently there is just something unmistakably attractive about how only a real New Yorker can effortlessly enunciate “What are you looking at?”

Lady Gaga says she suffers depression and anxiety. Mostly from never being able to outsell any albums by Miley Cyrus.

Angelina Jolie says that she and husband Brad Pitt “have our issues.” Mostly arguing which one has the prettiest teeth, eyes and hair.

Angelina Jolie says that she and husband Brad Pitt “have our issues.” Mostly trying to figure out if they had never gotten together which one would have more money, dates and film scripts delivered every day.

LeBron James could sit out the entire preseason because of a pain injection in his back. Apparently his back is still sore from all those people constantly standing behind him during the playoffs trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

LeBron James could sit out the entire preseason because of a pain injection in his back. Which still gives him around ten months to recover in time to be there for the start of the playoffs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I am back at it even though the Dodgers failed to get past the divisional playoff series. Oh, Well. It’s just too bad that it is going to be a long winter because I also happen to be a Raiders fan. My joke output today is a bit on the lean side, not because of my Dodgers-induced depression but because I have an important test in Karate that is taking up my time this weekend. Have to get my priorities straight. Punching boards comes before punchlines. But if I should be back up to speed by Tuesday unless I fail and then get even more depressed. But you can always bring me out of a funk by making sure to remember to always send the love!

No comments: