Friday, October 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that smartphones can be worse for the skin than the Sun. Especially for people who are constantly getting sunburned because they always are taking their clothes off to take naked selfies.

A study says that smartphones can be worse for the skin than the Sun. Mostly the ones who don’t have any skin left after their wives find out who they have been texting with.

Scientists say that men’s brains have been programmed to seek out sex over food. Which is why women always insist on dates to getting dinner first.

Scientists say that men’s brains have been programmed to seek out sex over food. That’s true. When is the last time you have seen a man checking out pictures of meals on the Internet?

Researchers say that people make their lives seem more exciting on social media. Although how exciting can a person’s life be who is trying to impress a bunch of people who have nothing better to do than see what everyone else is doing on Facebook?

Tom Brady says he “has a lot of football left.” Which if nothing else means he has a pretty good stash of pump needles hidden in the locker room.

Ron Paul is accusing the feds of trying to ruin his son Rand Paul’s presidential campaign. Apparently he is trying to find out who it was who took the tape off his son’s mouth and let him start talking.

Lamar Odom is rumored to be brain dead after being found unconscious in a brothel. He would be the first member of the Kardashian family to actually wait to become brain dead until after leaving the show.

A report says New Jersey has the nation’s top foreclosure rate. Mostly because mortgage loans are the one debt that can be defaulted on in New Jersey without the borrower ending up in the East River.

A report says New Jersey has the nation’s top foreclosure rate. Mostly people who would rather be homeless somewhere else than have to live in New Jersey for 30 years just to pay off a mortgage.

A man was fatally shot outside the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Nearby residents were upset. Especially when they found out the person shot wasn’t Carrot Top.

A man was fatally shot outside the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Police were surprised. Usually shootings at any kind of store in L.A. don’t take place until Black Friday.

A man was fatally shot outside the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. The suspect said he just wanted to tell his friends that his set really killed.

A judge has ordered Utah to keep cash flowing to Planned Parenthood. Although that doesn’t seem like a real issue in Utah. When you see a man with five wives and 28 children, there obviously isn’t a lot of planning going on.

Donald Trump says he may boycott the next Republican presidential debate. Which is good news for the people who want to hear what some of the other candidates actually have to say.

President Obama says U.S. troops will stay in Afghanistan until 2017. Mostly because at that point he will be out of office and will hand it over to the next President who will have us over there at least through 2021.

A rare letter from Mozart was sole at auction for $217,000. The letter was rare because Mozart was more famous for his notes.

A major outage at U.S. Customs caused widespread airline delays. Which ironically being late is a custom for anyone flying on United.

Starbucks drive-thrus are going to get more personal through video communication with baristas. Mostly so the barista can now be rude to customers before they even get up to the window.

Starbucks drive-thrus are going to get more personal through video communication with baristas. The video service will also feature a bank representative for anyone who needs to take out a loan to pay for their large double mocha latte.

New York taxi cabs will have the TV sets in the back removed. Apparently the TVs became obsolete the day that people found it possible to access porn on their smartphones.

New York taxi cabs will have the TV sets in the back removed. Mostly because passengers found it unnerving to see the photo being shown on “America’s Most Wanted” is their cabbie.

The FTC says that Coke and Pepsi can still use the word “diet” for their products. Although it should only really be used to say that a diet that includes Coke or Pepsi will take years off your life.

ISIS is reportedly trying to hack into the U.S. power grid. The good news is that when they take over the grid there are actually fewer power outages than when they are in the control of the power companies.

Children’s snack brand GoGo squeeZ has issued a voluntary recall for applesauce because of mold. Mostly because the average jar of kids’ applesauce sit on the store shelf for seven years before anyone comes along thinking their child might eat some.

A study says that sitting for long periods of time is not bad for people as long as they also exercise. Although the most exercise people usually get while sitting is clicking the remote, opening a can of soda and tearing off the top of a bag of Doritos.

A study says that women who have stressful pregnancies could see the effects in their children years later. Which is bad news especially for women who are stressed out because their baby’s father is Kevin Federline.

A study says that women who have stressful pregnancies could see the effects in their children years later. Which is not good news considering most women are extremely stressed just with the thought of not being able to fit into their clothes for nine months.

A study says that teenagers’ mood swings are normal and will eventually go away. Usually on the day they finally move out of the house.

A new movie “National Park Adventures” in 3D IMAX celebrates 100 years of the National Park Service. The movie allows people to enjoy the National Park experience in extreme detail of waiting in traffic for hours, being stalked by hungry bears and arriving back home with a case of Bubonic Plague.

A new movie “National Park Adventures” in 3D IMAX celebrates 100 years of the National Park Service. Although some filmgoers were disappointed in that they thought the title meant it was the latest sequel of the movie “Vacation.”

A report says the Facebook app may be draining smartphone batteries faster. Especially for the people who spend 16 hours a day on their cellphone checking their Facebook page.

A new wearable band can detect the presence of toxic chemicals. Mostly the deadly chemicals that were used to manufacture the plastic materials that went into making the band.

Forbes says that gamer PewDiePie made $12 Million last year playing video games on Youtube. Apparently he became a hit with gamers who love to watch him so they know just what they look like sitting on a couch playing video games 12 hours a day.

AT&T will start to offer customers one mobile number for all their connected devices. Which will make it much easier for people who will no longer have to try to figure out which of their numbers has just dropped service.

An American researchers has found the oldest known draft of a King James Bible. Apparently he just opened the desk drawer of his Motel 6 room in Bakersfield and there it was.

The European Union is telling the U.S. to stop storing user data on U.S. servers. Apparently they keep getting their information mixed in with classified data sent by Hillary Clinton.

A report says that stolen personal data is worth as little as 55 cents online. Mostly because that is more money than most the people whose information was stolen currently have in their debit account.

Michelle Duggar says that women should be available to their husbands for sex even if they aren’t in the mood. Which will no doubt be taken to heart by all the women out there who want to also have 19 kids.

Michelle Duggar says that women should be available to their husbands for sex even if they aren’t in the mood. And if they aren’t married they should at least be willing to be felt up by their brother.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am putting out just a few less jokes today, and it actually has nothing to do with the Dodgers being kicked out of the playoffs last night. Well, maybe a little. But more so of the fact that I have an important Karate test coming up Sunday so I need some more time to practice. You know, like how to walk around like I’m not in pain even with several contusions, strains and swelling. Anyway, I will try to slam out a few jokes for Monday as well and then hopefully be back on a regular schedule. It’s not like I will need any more time to watch baseball this year. Ugh. Stupid Mets. Oh, well. January isn’t that far away and the golf season starts again which will get me into March for Spring Training and another year of thinking that this may be the Dodgers’ turn. In the meantime, you can always help ease the pain of losing by remembering to send the love!

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