Thursday, October 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

CNN saw record ratings numbers for Tuesday’s Democratic presidential debate. Apparently that means the families of all five candidates must have been watching.

Wal-Mart saw its worst stock decline this week in 15 years. You can tell which traders are buying Wal-Mart stock. They are the 60 year old men with beards, mullets and NRA T-shirts wandering around the floor of the Stock Exchange using a Rascal scooter.

A naked woman reportedly trashed a Subway restaurant in Alaska. It’s nice to see that despite his legal troubles, Jared Fogle has a new girlfriend.

An angry Chinese investor stabbed the CEO of his asset management firm after losing $50,000. Which makes Americans wonder what’s going to happen to us when the Chinese try to get the U.S. to actually pay back some of the money we borrowed.

The U.S. Navy is returning to celestial navigation because of the fear of cyber attacks. The only problem is finding a sailor younger than 90 who still has any idea how to use a sextant.

The U.S. Navy is returning to celestial navigation because of the fear of cyber attacks. Which means our naval fleet will still be ready to defend the country at least as long as there aren’t too many clouds around at night.

The U.S. Navy is returning to celestial navigation because of the fear of cyber hacks. The only problem is that if a sailor confuses Polaris with Betelgeuse we could attack the wrong country and start World War III.

The U.S. Navy is returning to celestial navigation because of the fear of cyber attacks. The only problem is that using a sextant, compass and hourglass to find a ship’s location leaves hardly any time for sailors to keep up on their scrimshaw carvings.

The Air Traffic Controllers’ union says there is a chronic shortage crisis that could lead to widespread flight delays. Which means more people might fly United Airlines because at least that way nothing will change.

Scientists claim they can change people’s beliefs by beaming magnetic waves into their brains. Although apparently it only works on people who are paranoid and believe a group of scientists is out to get them.

Donald Trump says he should be given protection by the Secret Service. To which the government is saying if the fired contestants on “The Apprentice” didn’t try to do him in, he should be pretty safe from everyone else.

The Department of Homeland Security wants to revive the Terror Alert System which uses color coded charts to display the level of threat. Going back to the outdated system means that orange is the new red.

The Department of Homeland Security wants to revive the Terror Alert System which uses color coded charts to display the level of threat. The good news is that for people who are color blind, there is always the backup security plan to just buy plastic sheeting and duct tape.

Scientists say hallucinations may be the result of a natural process in the brain to make sense of the world. Which finally explains some of the ideas coming from members of Congress who may have lived in Washington, D.C. just a little too long.

Federal regulations designed to cut electric consumption during peak hours is meeting with some resistance from the Supreme Court. Apparently the justices see the attempt to grab power as some sort of power grab.

An Ohio church tipped a driver $1,000 for the delivery of a $5.99 pizza. Apparently the churchgoers were overcome with joy and saw it as divine intervention that the driver took more than thirty minutes and that they got the pizza for free.

An Ohio church tipped a driver $1,000 for the delivery of a $5.99 pizza. Apparently the driver split the tip with the chef who arranged the pepperonis to look like the face of Jesus.

Amazon has closed down its hotel booking site after six months. Apparently customers were disappointed that booking a room with Amazon was followed with a home delivery of a tent and sleeping bag.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy expanded modestly since mid August. Which doesn’t make for a lot of confidence when the most exciting terms the government uses for the economy’s performance are “modest,” “gradual” and “moderate.”

The CBO says the U.S. Treasury will run out of money by early November unless the debt limit is raised. Although it’s tough to scare people with the idea of running out of cash when you are floating a national debt of $18 Trillion.

Tom Brady says that Coca-Cola is “poison for kids” and that Sugar Frosted Flakes is “not a food.” The companies are now worried that after all these years of building a public image, all it takes is Tom Brady to come along and also let the air out of that.

A new app allows people to invest as little as $5 at a time. Which is good for people who have always wanted to own some shares of Volkswagen.

Nike says it sees $50 Billion in annual revenue for the company by 2020. Mostly because to reach that goal all it needs to do is sell about another couple hundred pair of Air Jordans.

Nike says it sees $50 Billion in annual revenue for the company by 2020. The only problem is that in 2020 the company may have to go through a complete factory restaffing as their entire workforce will be approaching the retirement age of 11.

A survey says that one fifth of all business owners would allow weed at work for employees with medical marijuana prescriptions. The other four fifths own pizzerias, donut shops and bakeries who would say goodbye to any profits the minute their employees can get stoned on the job.

Applications to the Peace Corps have soared to the highest level since 1975. Apparently young people want to have the chance to live somewhere that by comparison makes it seem like they are actually doing well financially in the U.S.

Airline passengers in Louisiana, Minnesota, New Hampshire and New York may need passports to fly domestically in 2016 because of changes in I.D. laws. Although at least the residents of Louisiana who don’t have a passport can still use the legal state I.D. of any Confederate flag.

Twitter has named Omid Kordestani as the company’s new executive chairman. Apparently they were impressed with his leadership, experience and that his name was barely able to fit inside their limit of 140 characters.

Dole has recalled spinach in 13 states because of potential salmonella contamination. Estimates are that spinach sales in those states could reach as high as three packages.

A Mexican restaurant in New York City is offering 10% ownership to anyone who can eat one of their 30 pound burritos in under an hour. When Chris Christie heard of the offer he said “Just call me ‘boss’.”

A Mexican restaurant in New York City is offering 10% ownership to anyone who can eat one of their 30 pound burritos in under an hour. The good news is that anyone who fails can get the leftovers boxed up so they can eat them in the ambulance on the way to the ER.

Toyota says it will nearly eliminate gasoline powered cars by 2050. To which Chrysler says it has already pretty much done that. Most of their cars are now powered by three or four friends of the driver who are pushing it to the nearest mechanic.

Toyota says it will nearly eliminate gasoline powered cars by 2050. The only drawback is that it won’t be selling nearly as many vehicles to the military which won’t have to be invading any more countries to try to get their oil.

A study says that dietary supplements for weight loss or increased energy lead to 23,000 visits to the ER each year. The worst part is that the people taking them would probably end up in the hospital anyway from the effects of their diet that causes them to take the supplements in the first place.

A study says there is no evidence that having an annual physical exam keeps people healthy. In most cases it proves the doctor wrong after they tell patients if they don’t start taking care of themselves they won’t be around in another year.

A study says that high stress jobs may raise the risk of having a stroke. Mostly from getting ulcers from the stress and then having a stroke after seeing the medical bills from the treatment of the ulcers.

A survey says that corruption of government officials is the number one fear of Americans. The good news is that since every government official is pretty much on the take already we can pretty much put that fear to rest.

A study says that placebos can help with athletes’ sport performance. Which is sad to think that Barry Bonds could have hit all those home runs anyway and been in the Hall of Fame if he had just been injected instead with ground up sugar pills.

A study says taking an eight week relaxation program could cut some patients’ medical bills by $25,000 a year. The only problem is finding a health insurance company that will fork out the money for anyone to take an eight week program in relaxation techniques.

Jane Fonda says she once went skinny dipping with Michael Jackson and Greta Garbo in the early 1980s. Either that or it was more likely a flashback from something really powerful she was taking back in 1967.

Miley Cyrus is planning a completely nude concert. Otherwise known as a Miley Cyrus concert.

A new device is said to stop people from snoring wirelessly. Which is different than current methods that use wires. Specifically when their partner gets so tired of their snoring they wrap a wire around their neck.

Internet dating sites are reportedly going after customers who lie about their age. Otherwise known as men.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers take on the Mets tonight in the deciding game of the divisional playoffs. Oh, yeah I guess there is other stuff going on in the world that I should be writing about as well. Whatever. The way to make sure I will be in a frame of mind to keep those jokes coming is to root for the Dodgers. It is the baseball equivalent of sending the love!

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