Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A New York City woman is suing her 12 year old nephew for $127,000 after suffering a broken wrist when he hugged her at his birthday party. She claims she now has trouble properly holding an hors d’oeuvres plate. When she takes all his money she can just say “Let him eat birthday cake.”

Playboy says it will no longer feature pictures of fully nude women. The magazine will now consist of articles, interviews and advice. Or as that used to be called by subscribers, “filler.”

Playboy says it will no longer feature pictures of fully nude women. Which will be of interest to younger subscribers who have access to the Internet to be able for the first time to see pictures of women who are actually wearing some clothes.

A report says that Americans are the world’s fattest, have the most personal wealth and the most rooms in their homes. Mostly because we use our money to buy junk food and have to have bigger homes to be able to fit inside.

A survey says that small business owners feel that America is on the wrong track. Especially the small business owners who have companies that used to be big businesses.

A survey says that small business owners feel that America is on the wrong track. To which Amtrak riders say they know exactly how they feel.

Google street view cars will be monitored with sensors that will map cities’ air pollution. Although the numbers could get really skewed if one of the Google cars gets stuck in traffic behind a Volkswagen diesel.

A report says that selfie obsessed Millennials are opting for plastic surgery to make for better pictures. Which is ironic in that the Kardashian sisters who practically invented the selfie still haven’t gone under the knife as much as Bruce Jenner.

A report says that China’s middle class is now larger than that of the U.S. Which means the middle class population in China must now be up to at least four.

A report says that New York City’s airports are the worst when it comes to air traffic controller shortages. Which is fine as long as the airlines try to not schedule flights during the usual controllers’ nap time between 11:00 am and 4:00 pm.

A report says that New York City’s airports are the worst when it comes to air traffic controller shortages. Mostly because half the controllers can’t get to work on time because they are busy trying to navigate through traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

Moldova is thanking Romania for a $171 Million loan that will be used to modernize the country. Meaning Moldova will use the cash to actually try to bring themselves at least into the 19th century.

Moldova is thanking Romania for a $171 Million loan that will be used to modernize the country which wants to join the European Union. And what better way to join the EU than to be like all the other members and start out hopelessly in debt?

Rapper T.I. says that women are “too emotional” to be President of the U.S. Apparently he wants someone who is more like a rapper and can stay calm and rational while popping a cap into one of their rivals.

Rapper T.I. says that women are “too emotional” to be President of the U.S. Which isn’t a concern to women candidates since most rappers can’t vote anyway because of all their felony convictions.

A small airplane made an emergency landing on an Idaho Interstate during rush hour. Fortunately it was able to avoid the two Conestoga wagons and twenty head of cattle that make up most of the Idaho rush hour traffic.

A small airplane made an emergency landing on an Idaho Interstate during rush hour. The only problem was that the pilot wasn’t used to actually landing in Idaho on a runway that was actually paved.

A report says that women hold 36% of the executive level positions in the cannabis industry. Mostly because the men who hold the other 64% of the top jobs hire them based on their ability to bake a lot of cookies, pies and cakes in a short amount of time.

Amtrak is starting to allow pets on some trains in the Northeast. Mostly St. Bernards, German shepherds and Bloodhounds to help with rescuing passengers after the train goes off the rails.

GM CEO Mary Barra says the VW emissions scandal wouldn’t happen at GM. Mostly because it’s hard for anyone to test GM vehicles for their pollution output while they are still in the shop for the latest recall.

Anheuser-Busch has agreed to buy SABMiller for $106 Billion, the biggest amount of money ever spent on a beer deal. Unless you count the cash taken in by beer vendors at the average Yankee home game.

Investors have given Fed Chairperson Janet Yellen and her colleagues a “C” according to a poll. Wall Street executives won’t be giving them an “A” until they are secure enough to go back to lighting their Cuban cigars with $100 bills instead of $50s.

Donald Trump is set to host “Saturday Night Live” on November 7th. Mostly so the cast, crew and writers can all have a week off as there is nothing they could come up with any funnier than just having Trump give a campaign speech for an hour and a half.

A study says that caramel apples are a breeding ground for listeria. Which is no big deal since the listeria is not as bad for a person’s health than all the sugar and fat that is inside the caramel coating they are eating.

Researchers in the UK say that sitting for long periods of time may not be as bad as was previously thought. Look at the Supreme Court justices. All they do is put on a robe and sit on the bench all day and all of them are pretty much in their 80s.

A study says there is a double standard in the workplace when it comes to anger and women. Especially when it’s the boss getting angry at all the women in the office who won’t go out with him.

A survey says that most freshmen are not emotionally prepared for college. But they find it helps them grow up fast when they realize they will have to work into their 80s to be able to finish paying off their tuition loans.

A survey says that most freshmen are not emotionally prepared for college. Fortunately, most colleges help them cope with the stress by offering free counseling, campus activities and mostly a lot of keg parties.

A study says that babies born in the summer tend to be healthier as adults. If nothing for the fact that their birthday parties are more likely held outside in a park or at a pool and not where their life can be threatened by having it inside a Chuck E. Cheese.

Health officials are calling for a push to stop the overuse of antibiotics in nursing homes. Mostly because they can save a lot of money by just giving them placebos and Valium which makes them at least think they are feeling better.

Suge Knight will face charges of stealing a camera from a Paparazzo. Although the evidence is clearly in Knight’s favor that he didn’t do it since the photographer is still alive.

Amanda Bynes has reportedly returned to school at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Which isn’t quite what the court meant when they said her behavior requires being institutionalized.

ABC is reportedly planning a reboot of “Fantasy Island.” Apparently network executives wanted a vehicle to get Tom Cruise to do a TV series and decided there is no other role more suited to him than playing Tattoo.

43 year old Florida Panthers forward Jaromir Jagr says he can play hockey until he’s 50. Which would work out well because since he’s already in Florida he would have something in common with all the other retirees who don’t have any of their own teeth.

Twitter has laid off 336 employees in a restructuring move. The company says it hates to lose its people as 140 of the workers were real characters.

A Japanese construction company has started using robotic bulldozers that are guided by drones. Now there’s an idea that in no way is primed for anything to possibly go wrong.

Toyota says its 2016 Prius will get 55 MPG. Which is good news for the owners who will have to make even fewer stops at gas stations where they have to endure the other drivers laughing at them for driving a Prius.

Jonathan Frankel, an ordained orthodox rabbi is setting out to recreate the home intercom. His brand is unmistakable as it will be the one that greets guests at the front door with “So what, you want I should let you inside?”

A professor at MIT says that cars should never be fully driverless. Especially in New York City where it will always take the human touch to know when to give the finger and drop the necessary f-bombs on other drivers.

A study says that people prefer robots that aren’t perfect and have imperfections. Although those are the same people who start screaming, throwing things and call tech support the minute their home computer takes more than 30 seconds to boot up.

A study says that people prefer robots that aren’t perfect and have imperfections. Mostly the people who are used to buying Microsoft products and wouldn’t know what to do with something that worked the way it was supposed to.

A Cambridge University study says that 87% of Android devices are vulnerable to attack. Coincidentally, 87% of all high school students who are applying to Cambridge are vulnerable to having to walk around campus most of the day with a wedgie.

A Canadian company says it is working on taking carbon dioxide from the air and turning it into fuel. To which Republicans are saying with no CO2 in the atmosphere there will finally be a reason to get rid of all those annoying trees that are always blocking their view.

At the Democratic presidential debate on Tuesday, Bernie Sanders said that people are sick of hearing about Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. The 74 year old candidate then asked if there was someone in the crowd who can explain to him just what an e-mail is.

At the Democratic presidential debate on Tuesday, Bernie Sanders said that people are sick of hearing about Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. He says there is much better dirt to dig up about Benghazi, Monica Lewinsky and Whitewater.

Bernie Sanders was asked how he could be Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces as President after declaring himself a conscientious objector during Vietnam. Apparently it mostly had to do with not qualifying for as many deferments as most Republicans or having an influential dad get him into the Texas Air National Guard.

Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chaffee says he should be elected because he has not had any scandals. To which the other candidates are asking without any scandals, how did he ever manage to get elected to any other public office?

Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chaffee says he should be elected because he has not had any scandals. Which really doesn’t count because how many scandals can you even get involved in while living in Rhode Island?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers pulled off a big win over the Mets last night and will now play the deciding game in Los Angeles. The game is so big that some fans are planning to even get their early, in the second inning. Let’s just hope they keep winning so it inspires me to write even more of these great jokes. Which really isn’t an issue because no matter what happens with the Dodgers, I will still be able to continue because my mind will be occupied by all there is to write about Donald Trump. In the meantime, let’s all root for the Dodgers which to me is exactly the same thing as remembering to send the love!

4 comments:

tc in bc said...

I'm dumping Playboy and renewing my National Geographic subscription.

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