Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The 17th Door, a haunted house in Tustin, California is being described as the most terrifying haunted house in the world. Except for people who have ever been on the floor of the House of Representatives during budget negotiations.

The 17th Door, a haunted house in Tustin, California is being described as the most terrifying haunted house in the world. Except for anyone in the L.A. area who has looked at the list prices for even a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that compulsive texting takes a toll on teenagers who can end up losing sleep which can hurt their grades. Except the ones who get their smart friends to text them all the correct answers while they are taking their tests.

A study says that compulsive texting takes a toll on teenagers who can end up losing sleep which can hurt their grades. Especially the ones who use up a lot of time and energy taking off their clothes to send sexts to middle aged men they met on Myspace.

A survey says that one in six young Americans say they stole something last year. Which is payback for some of the millions of young Americans who had their dignity, future and financial security stolen by the company that processed their tuition loans.

China is asking the rest of the world to improve the code of conduct on the Internet. The only problem is that enforcing honest reporting, no illegal scams and cleaning up all the porn would leave about five sites left for people to access.

China is asking the rest of the world to improve the code of conduct on the Internet. Apparently they want everyone to adopt their standards and make the Internet open only for selling counterfeit drugs, conduct government spying and pirating movies.

Scientists say that deleting genes could boost the average lifespan by 60 years. Mostly by taking away the genes that are responsible for the taste buds that can recognize fat, salt and sugar.

China is looking for aliens with the world’s largest telescope. To which Donald Trump says they have the right idea and we need to build one just like it to point at the Mexican border to keep an eye on all those aliens sneaking into the U.S.

A former ISIS hostage says “Jihadi John” beat him and forced him to dance the Tango. Which means the DHS is now going to be looking for terrorists where they should have been expecting to find them all along. Ballroom dance halls.

A former ISIS hostage says “Jihadi John” beat him and forced him to dance the Tango. Apparently it was all part of an audition to try to get John a spot on the new Al Jazeera show “Dancing With The Terrorists.”

A former ISIS hostage says “Jihadi John” beat him and forced him to dance the Tango. Although terrorism experts say if he was really that diabolical and bent on destructing the moral fiber of the West he would have made him dance the Polka.

The Washington Post has ripped Iran for the “outrageous” conviction of one of its reporters. They are saying that Iran has made a terrible mistake and obviously meant to prosecute someone from the New York Post.

A report says that “calamitous famine” has been eradicated from the planet in the past 50 years. Although in hindsight we were probably a bit more healthy when people were forced to to skip a few meals instead where we ended up with everyone morbidly obese.

A report says that “calamitous famine” has been eradicated from the planet in the past 50 years. Although scientists are questioning how much better it is going from trying to get everyone a bowl of rice to having a HomeTown Buffet on every corner.

Angus Deaton of Princeton University has won the Nobel Prize in Economics for his work on understanding the purchasing decisions of the poor. Mostly by just watching what the students are buying at the cafeteria with what they have left over after paying their tuition bill.

A Chicago couple was married at the 8 mile mark during the Chicago Marathon. Apparently they liked the idea of getting married at “8 Mile” but were too afraid to actually go to Detroit.

A Chicago couple was married at the 8 mile mark during the Chicago Marathon. Although that really wasn’t what is meant by most women who say they won’t go “all the way” until after they are married.

A Rhode Island police officer is upset after a Dunkin’ Donuts worker reportedly wrote “Black Lives Matter” on his cup and treated him rudely. The officer says if he wanted that kind of experience with his morning coffee he would have gone to Starbucks.

The Houston Zoo has lifted its ban of firearms on its property. The bad news is that they have already had a request for a safari park tour from a Minnesota dentist.

A poll says that Americans’ economic optimism has dimmed. Which is pretty much a running theme that goes back to about 1982.

A poll says that Americans’ economic optimism has dimmed. The worst part is that even 30 year olds are telling kids how things were much better back in their day.

A study says that 26% of Americans have already begun their holiday shopping. The other 74% say they are more traditional and don’t feel the holidays really start until they are in the middle of brawl by the 80% off rack on Black Friday.

Experts say tonight’s Democratic debate on CNN will focus on policy and not personality. Or as that is called at CNN, “regular programming.”

Experts say tonight’s Democratic debate on CNN will focus on policy and not personality. Which is like expecting people to watch an episode of “The Kardashians” where they are sitting around discussing how to reduce their property tax bill.

A survey says that Americans are expected to spend $6.9 Billion on Halloween this year. So far the overwhelming choice for the costume that would be too scary for most people to handle is going as “President Trump.”

Residents of a condo property in Panama owned by Donald Trump is trying to fire him for mismanagement, overspending and undisclosed executive bonuses. If nothing else, the charges prove maybe he is ready to be elected President.

Southwest Airlines is back on track after several days of delayed flights. The only problem is that they are now facing a legal challenge from United Airlines for temporarily stealing their business model.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says they may change their recommendations to allow screen time for babies. Mostly because if nothing else it keeps them busy and from screaming the entire time they are in the waiting area before their appointments.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says they may change their recommendations to allow screen time for babies. Apparently just like with obesity and heart disease, doctors have resigned themselves to the policy of “just try not to overdo it.”

Researchers say that scans show that people have their own brain “fingerprint.” If you have a fingerprint on your brain, perhaps it’s time to start being a little less aggressive while picking your nose.

A study says that family doctors and pediatricians are often the sole source of mental health care for some children. Which is ironic since the only mental health issue for most kids is their fear of going to see the doctor.

A report says that Chinese men smoke one third of the world’s cigarettes. Mostly because the Chinese will tell you there is nothing tastes better than lighting up a cigarette after a three course meal featuring fried rice, wontons and the family dog.

A study says that nearly all doctors would work while they are sick. Mostly to drum up some extra business by getting their patients sick and then getting to also treat all their family members.

A study says that 42% of child car seats are not compatible with the seats of the vehicle.  What’s worse is that 42% of adults now have rear ends that are not compatible with the seats of their vehicles.

A study says that 42% of child car seats are not compatible with the seats of the vehicle. The other 58% don’t matter since the only thing the parents are concerned about that they have an iPad along to keep their kids from screaming the entire trip.

Steven Tyler from Aerosmith has told Donald Trump to stop using their song “Dream On” at campaign appearances. Although Trump thought it was the perfect song since every time he tells someone he would make a great President, they say “dream on.”

Randy Quaid is being held on $500,000 bail in Vermont on fugitive charges. Apparently it all has to do with Bernie Sanders trying to show his idea of an immigration policy is to just try to keep the really crazy ones out of the country.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa was cited for urinating in public in Pittsburgh. When he was brought before a court, the judge asked the police “pee, did he?”

Dick Van Dyke is stepping in to try to save his childhood home in Illinois from being demolished. Not to say Van Dyke is up in his years but he says the home should be saved for historical purposes from the times he used to play with his young neighbor Abe Lincoln.

Taylor Swift says that people like her now but that could change in the future. Which means her career is pretty much following the same path as her love life.

An Uber car that Nick Lachey was in reportedly was in a serious accident. So far there is no word as to where he was taking his passengers.

USC football coach Steve Sarkisian has been fired for showing up drunk and “in no condition to lead practice.” Although the good news is that he has since been recruited by five on campus fraternities during pledge week.

USC football coach Steve Sarkisian has been fired for showing up drunk and “in no condition to lead practice.” Apparently his problems started when he found out Gatorade powder could be used as a perfect mix for Margaritas.

Smart leggings are being used to give people proper pants size measurements in seconds. The only problem is for people who find they need a shoehorn to actually fit inside the leggings.

NASA has released details of the first of a three part plan to put people on Mars by the 2030s. The space agency says they will announce the second part of their plan right after the release of sequel to “The Martian.”

A new image has been found of Billy the Kid playing croquet. That explains the other images that show him always careful to only shoot people while extending the pinkie on his trigger hand.

A new image has been found of Billy the Kid playing croquet. Although that does tarnish his Old West image a bit to realize when he walked into a saloon he yelled for the barkeep to give him a banana daiquiri.

Chipotle Mexican Grill has hired the Chief Information Officer from Starbucks. Which is bad news for customers knowing that is the person who spent his whole time trying to convince people their constant price hikes were actually reasonable.

A controversial study says that a saliva test can predict if men are gay. Mostly when their saliva is found in the mouths of several other men.

Bill Clinton says he will not attend the Democratic presidential debate tonight. Mostly because he hates to be reminded he has never won an argument himself against Hillary.

The Obama Administration has removed pig products from federal prison menus. Although that may not be exactly what people meant when they told the federal government they wanted to stop all the spending on pork.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Rough night last night as the Dodgers were clobbered by the Mets. We now have to win two straight games or we are out. I am not giving up yet. Obviously I don’t give up easily or I would have realized years ago this joke writing thing isn’t getting me anywhere. But still I continue, if only for all the times that you keep me going by remembering to always send the love!

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