Sunday, October 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I says when the devil numbs your conscience, he has won. To which Wall Street executives asked “What’s a conscience?”


Pope Francis I says when the devil numbs your conscience, he has won. Which means that Kanye West as Yeezus really is a religious figure who is trying to save us all from the effects of watching ‘“The Kardashians.”

Conservatives in Congress reportedly want to weaken the power of the next Speaker. To which John Boehner is saying “The Speaker has power?”

An Alabama home that listed for nearly $14 Million last year is now up for auction with bids starting at $1. Real estate experts say the reason it didn’t sell is because there wasn’t even a double wide or any black velvet Elvis paintings anywhere on the property.

A Danish zoo is being criticized for planning to publicly dissect a lion. What’s worse is that the first bid to help with carving up the animal came from a dentist in Minnesota.

Recycled 300 square foot shipping containers are being seen in many parts of the world as a solution to providing cheap housing. Which means that they could one day be used in Manhattan for people who want their own place but only have $2.8 Million in cash.

Twitter is reportedly planning company wide layoffs as stock prices continue to fall. Although true to company form, even the pink slips that are being given to employees are written out in 140 characters or less.

The Los Angeles school district has stopped all commercial filming on their properties after it was revealed one of the shoots was a porn movie. The district still believes that sex in the schools is something sacred between just the students and their teachers.

A study says that New York is the state with the widest gap between the rich and the poor. Meaning Wall Street executives and pretty much everyone else.

A study says that New York is the state with the widest gap between the rich and the poor. Or in sports terms, that would be the New York Yankees vs. the Buffalo Bills.

Clothing retailer Urban Outfitters is asking employees to volunteer to work weekends. To which Wal-Mart is saying they would ask workers to do that. If you ask instead of just tell them to do it they might say no.

A study says that for health reasons, every hour at the office should consist of 40 minutes of sitting, 16 minutes standing and two minutes of moving around or stretching. After that, if there is any time left people can actually try to do some work.

A study says that 62% of Americans have less than $1,000 in a savings account. The other 37% have saved more than that and aren’t touching it until they have enough to send to the Nigerian prince who will make them rich.

A study says that 62% of Americans have less than $1,000 in a savings account. Only because it’s tough to set up a savings account when you don’t have a permanent address because you are still living in your 1983 Chevette.

A study says that people who take a mid morning break at work are more productive than people who wait until the afternoon. To which most Americans who are working three minimum wage jobs to make ends meet are saying “What break?”

Mexico says it expects results of a probe of VW emissions standards within three months. The news came as a surprise. Even China has trouble believing that Mexico has any emissions standards.

Nevada brothel Moonlight Bunny Ranch is offering to pay off student loans for its workers. Which is good news as long as it includes cosmetology and manicuring school.

Nevada brothel Moonlight Bunny Ranch is offering to pay off student loans for its workers. Which is ironic in that they are working in a business where they experience exactly what their college did to them to get them so far in debt.

A report says the California wine industry is expected to benefit from the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Mostly from all the countries that want to buy California raisins since that is all that is left on the vines in the last three years since the drought.

Oregon says it has sold $10.8 Million in marijuana in the first six days since it became legal. Which is nothing compared to the additional $428 Million in sales reported from pizzerias, donut shops and bakeries.

A court says the founder of Bahrain yoga can’t copyright ancient poses. What’s next, the Kardashians trying to copyright the beach foot, bathroom mirror and duckface selfie?

A report says the loan default rate at community colleges is higher than all other learning institutions. Mostly because after spending all that money they find that an Associate Degree is still only good for getting a job behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

The CEO of the Carlyle Group says the U.S. can expect a recession within the next three years. To which most people are asking how we will be able to tell.

The CEO of the Carlyle Group says the U.S. can expect a recession within the next three years. Which is great news for all the Americans who have been waiting since 2007 for something better than the current depression.

Researchers say that many Americans travel abroad without the proper vaccinations. Although that isn’t necessary for anyone who has booked vacations on Carnival and will be exposed to pretty much every bacteria and virus known to mankind.

Researchers say that many Americans travel abroad without the proper vaccinations. Which is no surprise in a country where half the people can’t even have their kids get a simple measles shot.

The Army has updated its breastfeeding policy. Apparently soldiers are being told it is against regulations to breastfeed with anything other than a non-government issued pair of 38s.

The Army has updated its breastfeeding policy. Or as it is called in the service, the original Meals, Ready-to-Eat.

A study says that placebos have become more effective in the U.S. Mostly because patients find they get even more sick once they get the pharmacy bills for their real prescription drugs.

An 800 pound man was kicked out of a weight loss program at a Rhode Island hospital after he was caught ordering a pizza. He attributed his eating disorder leading to being expelled from the program as a Domino’s effect.

A study says that infections and not clumsiness is the cause of many falls of the elderly. Especially when their cure for the infection is to take three or four shots of whiskey.

A study says that one in three young Chinese men could die from tobacco use. At least the ones who aren’t done in first by the toxic food, air pollution or working since the age of sewing shoes in a Nike factory.

A Florida woman is recovering after mistaking a tube of Super Glue for her eye drops. What’s ironic is that she was planning on using the eye drops right before sitting down to watch the movie “Eyes Wide Shut.”

A Florida woman is recovering after mistaking a tube of Super Glue for her eye drops. Ironically she couldn’t read the label because of a learning disorder that when she was younger made her a bad pupil.

A Florida woman is recovering after mistaking a tube of Super Glue for her eye drops. When doctors finally got her eyelids pried open, there wasn’t a dry eye in the ER.

President Obama gave some advice to Kanye West if he decides to run for President, saying he will have to spend a lot of time dealing with strange characters who behave like they are on a reality TV show. Apparently West already figured that out long ago which is why he married into the Kardashian family.

Randy Quaid was detained after trying to cross into the U.S. from Canada. Apparently immigration authorities say if he wants to come into the U.S. illegally he will have to do it like everyone else and make it across in the trunk of a Chevy.

Beyonce’s father is conducting a workshop for $199 on becoming a superstar. Although it’s a bit disappointing to prospectives when his only advice is to first start out with a daughter who looks and sings like Beyonce.

Apple says it has deactivated its news app in China. Which will just be replaced by the standard government approved smiley face along with the headline “Everything is Great Now Get Back to Work!”

Stanford says that its most popular major for women is computer science. Apparently they like the idea of getting a job in Silicon Valley where women can go to work wearing sweatpants and no makeup and still be out of the league of all their coworkers.

A report says that discarded airline boarding passes can be used to access fliers’ personal information. For instance, if the ticket is with United Airlines it shows the person is in no hurry to get anywhere, is a glutton for punishment and probably has no money left over to try to steal anyways.

A report says that social media use by people over 65 has tripled in the past five years. Mostly because the number one threat for seniors to get their grandchildren to behave went from writing them out of their will to becoming Facebook friends with all their classmates.

NASA confirms ancient lakes existed on Mars two to three billion years ago. They have also discovered evidence that even before that there used to be some water in California.

NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft has discovered blue skies and red ice on Pluto. That is only seen early in the morning which is why New Horizons has now been designated as a “red ice” flight.

NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft has discovered blue skies and red ice on Pluto. Which after a couple of hundred years of human colonization, pollution will cause global warming which means they will be just like Earth and have brown skies and no ice.

A former investigator for the House Select Committee on Benghazi says he was fired because he wouldn’t turn his focus solely on Hillary Clinton. Although committee members say he was let go because he kept compiling information on a Mr. Ben Ghazi.

Donald Trump is making an effort to show conservatives he has support within the faith community. In fact, he has invited many to his penthouse mansion to personally show them the shrine he has built where anyone can come and worship Donald Trump.

Rand Paul says there is nothing “sexy or cool” about the socialism of Bernie Sanders. Which is the first and only time the words “sexy” and “cool” will ever be used in the same sentence as Rand Paul or Bernie Sanders.

A study says that one third of vegetarians in the UK eat meat when they drink too much. Which is the one third who live in Ireland who end up serving some kind of meat pretty much at every meal.

A study says that one third of vegetarians in the UK eat meat when they drink too much. Mostly the ones who have to down at least a pint or two before they can even start thinking about having to eat another meal of British food.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Dodgers split their opening two games of their playoffs with the Mets. Which isn’t good in a 3 out of 5 series. At least we are still in it which means I won’t have to renew the Prozac prescription just yet. The really bad news is that the greatest sports announcer of all time will be missing the action as Vin Scully had a medical procedure which has put him on the DL for the time being. Let’s all put Vinny in our thoughts because he is always the 10th man on the field and the MVP with all the fans who feel it is never a real Dodgers game without him behind the mic. Get well soon Vinny and let’s all send the love to him and the Big Blue!

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