Thursday, October 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Forbes says America’s top 400 billionaires have a combined worth of $2.34 Trillion. That is up $50 Billion from 2014. Or as the wealthiest 400 call that, a rough year in the stock market.

The Washington Post reportedly mentioned income inequality 558 times in articles last year while its owner Jeff Bezos made more than $16 Billion. To which Bezos says he will help fix by giving all the Post employees a discount on signing up for Amazon Prime.

The Washington Post reportedly mentioned income inequality 558 times in articles last year while its owner Jeff Bezos made more than $16 Billion. Although Bezos will find out the meaning of income equality when he spends all of that $16 Billion to cover the yearly losses at the Post.

A computer algorithm has been created to help encode human memories so people won’t forget events of the past. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “women.”

A survey says that the most trusted news source is Fox News. At least that’s according to a Fox News poll of viewers of Fox News.

A survey says that the most trusted news source is Fox News. Which means what isn’t so credible is the group that did the polling.

High schools across the country are dropping their football programs because of injuries. That, and because it is harder each year to field a team between convincing teachers to raise the players’ GPAs and their parole officers to let them out on Friday nights.

High schools across the country are dropping their football programs because of injuries. As opposed to how Texas high school coaches handle injuries with “Quit whining and get back in the game!”

Stephen Hawking says that if space aliens come to Earth the outcome “might not be a positive one.” Although they couldn’t do any worse with the planet than humans have over the past couple hundred years.

A report says the next Republican presidential debate could have a smaller field. With all the recent verbal gaffes by Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Jeb Bush, it is probably going to have a lot smaller audience.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter says that Russia’s air strikes in Syria will “inflame” their civil war. The question is, how can you inflame a country even more than it already is when they are in the middle of a civil war?

A court says an Al Queda propagandist will have his remaining conviction reviewed. Which makes it sound like he is very good at what he does.

A study says that smartphones can hurt people’s love life because of rude manners. Even more when their partner finds out they have memberships on Tinder and Ashley Madison.

A report says that Saudi Arabia is facing a cash crunch because of the falling price of oil. Which is ironic in that the wars we started in the Middle East for oil helped crash the economy so no one could afford gasoline which is what is finally doing them in.

Kohl’s is testing small in-store cafes in a bid to stir up shopper traffic. Although they would do a lot better if they would just get rid of all their merchandise in every store and use the space to open a Starbucks.

A study says that high income Twitter users tweet about money while lower income users tweet more about personal issues. In fact, the reason Bill Gates doesn’t have a Twitter account is because he can’t fit his net worth using only 140 characters.

A menu from the last lunch on the Titanic has sold at auction for $88,000. The worst part is that the salad that was being served was made with iceberg lettuce.

A court has upheld the NCAA’s ban on payments for college athletes. Apparently they will have to just make it by like they did before with free cars, salaries for fake jobs and under the table payments from alumni boosters.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling products made by prison inmates. Which means the store will also stop taking payments in cigarettes and chocolate bars.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling products made by prison inmates. Which is ironic when prisoners see the prices charged by Whole Foods and they ask why they are the ones in jail for robbery.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling products made by prison inmates. Which is going to make it very tough to find a place that carries such well made, authentic shivs.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling products made by prison inmates. People were confused. Since when did Whole Foods start carrying a line of license plates?

Amtrak says it will start charging a bag fee for excess or overweight luggage. The good news is that there will still be no bag fee for their traditional service of providing all passengers with a free body bag.

A study says that people who respond best to fake drugs for their depression get the most help from real ones. Either that or maybe they really aren’t depressed in the first place.

A study says that people who respond best to fake drugs for their depression get the most help from real ones. Although what really makes them depressed is when they see how much they were having to pay on their pharmacy bill for a bunch of fake meds.

A study says that people’s gut bacteria may contribute to the risk of asthma. If the bacteria in stomachs is affecting how people are breathing, maybe that’s a sign we need to stop inhaling our food so much.

A study says that washing dishes is a great stress reliever. Especially for men who don’t get it that it’s a good idea to pick up the dish towel after their wife works a full day, takes care of the kids and cooks everyone dinner.

A study says that the benefits of talk therapy for depression are overstated. Which means when depressed people go in for therapy, all they want is for their psychiatrist to just keep quiet and hand out the drugs.

A report from the CDC says that flavored tobacco is luring kids to smoke, vape or chew. Medical experts are concerned that tobacco companies are going after kids who are too young by offering flavors like binky, breast milk and mashed peas.

A study says that family structure plays a role in kids’ attitudes about alcohol. Mostly when they are in a single parent family and they know how difficult it is for just one person to try to guard the liquor cabinet.

A study says that breast feeding has no link to a child’s IQ. Which is ironic that with adult men, just seeing a breast can actually cause their IQ to drop about 40 points.

A program will gauge the air quality inside New York City nail salons. Forget that. How about keeping an eye on the air quality in the vicinity of any New York City hot dog carts?

Democratic lawmakers made an attack on massive price increases on two heart medications. Although they should really learn that when dealing with heart meds, the last words people want to hear are “attack” and “massive.”

Hurricane Joaquin could postpone some college and pro football games this weekend. It could be the biggest disruption for football from a disturbance centering around low pressure since Deflategate.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t find the name “Redskins” offensive. So far the only name that gets him to bristle is when anyone mentions “Donald Trump.”

Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen is the richest owner in the NFL with a net worth of $17.8 Billion. You would think with that kind of money he could find a coach who knows to hand the ball to Marshawn Lynch with the ball at the one yard line on the last play of the Super Bowl.

A research firm says that by 2017, Windows will be the third place operating system. Which really isn’t all that bad for the people who have used it for years and have always considered it fourth rate.

A study says it will take 100 years for women to equal men in getting top jobs. The good news is that by the year 2115 employment experts say there is a good chance that women will finally land some entry level positions at Google, Twitter and Microsoft.

A new TiVo DVR will be able to skip through entire commercial breaks. Although what viewers really want is a device that will be able to jump through an entire episode of “The Kardashians.”

Engineers at UC Riverside are looking at making smartphone batteries out of portobello mushrooms. Although most people who are tied to their cellphones would be a lot more tolerable if they made them out of magic mushrooms.

Donald Trump says that some Muslims “are a problem.” Apparently they are OK as long as they don’t have an Arabic name or worship Allah.

Donald Trump says that some Muslims “are a problem.” Which is a step forward for Trump who considers all other non-Christian foreigners a problem.

Republican congressmen questioned the $600,000 yearly salary for the president of Planned Parenthood. Which is interesting that they are concerned considering the frontrunner for their party’s nomination for President claims to be worth $10 Billion.

Republican congressmen questioned the $600,000 yearly salary for the president of Planned Parenthood. Although it is perfectly fine to be making upwards of several million dollars a year as long as a person’s name is preceded with “Republican donor.”

Donald Trump says if he is elected President he will send all refugees back to Syria. The worst part is that he is taking such a radical stand that he is even including foreigners who aren’t from Syria.

The Secret Service is being accused of trying to embarrass Republican Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz by releasing confidential personal information. Although what can they say to embarrass him more than having to admit he is a congressman from Utah?

The Secret Service is being accused of trying to embarrass Republican Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz by releasing confidential personal information. Apparently they no longer consider keeping secrets one of their services.

A report says that hackers tried to access Hillary Clinton’s e-mail account five times with malware. Although she has the last laugh as she is currently waiting on a $20 Million campaign donation just as soon as she wires a good faith payment to a Nigerian prince.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The good news in my world is that the Dodgers clinched the National League West Division title, and even better was that they did it against the much hated San Francisco Giants in an 8-0 shellacking with their ace Clayton Kershaw on the mound. In order to be a true Dodger fan, you must be able to take as much pleasure from a Dodger win as with a Giants loss. Even better, it’s nice to be a Dodgers fan as I can use the word “postseason,” something that has left my vernacular during the football year as I am also a Raiders fan. So all the Dodgers need to do is finally get past the Cardinals and finally get another World Series win. It has been since 1988 that L.A. has triumphed in the Fall Classic, which with all the extended playoffs will soon be known as the “Winter Extravaganza.” At least I have something to look forward to for hopefully most of October and now into November. So while I am ecstatic about the Dodgers success, it is still always a bonus when you all remember to take the time to send the love!


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