Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Los Angeles is planning to reshape its streetscape for bikes and buses which is setting off fears of gridlock. Which will have about the same effect on people as warnings about the potential for air pollution in Houston or street crime in Chicago.

A study says that people’s “gaydar,” the ability to tell if someone is gay by their appearance doesn’t work. Especially for anyone who was ever surprised when Clay Aiken, George Michael or Ricky Martin came out of the closet.

The Air Force wants the owners to give up 400 acres of land near the secret Area 51 in Nevada. How hard can it be to get the property from people who were dumb enough to buy the only tract near Las Vegas that won’t be licensed for a casino?

A report says the U.S. has a serious shortage of psychiatrists. Mostly because it takes pretty much all we have just to deal with the ongoing issues of Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.

A study says that half of all U.S. adults are diabetic or pre-diabetic. The other half have moved even beyond that and actually have been diagnosed with blood type maple syrup.

A study says that half of all U.S. adults are diabetic or pre-diabetic. What’s pre-diabetic? Apparently that means people who are overweight with a bad diet but who still have the willpower to turn down that last Krispy Kreme donut in the box.

United Airline’s website was down for awhile Tuesday. Which meant for several hours, customers could not book themselves on flights that will eventually be delayed or canceled.

Porn site Pornhub is offering a $25,000 college scholarship that requires an essay and video. Which means the essay has about as much of a chance of being read as the old articles in Playboy.

Porn site Pornhub is offering a $25,000 college scholarship that requires an essay and video. The trick will be finding anyone submitting material to Pornhub who actually plans to go to college.

Porn site Pornhub is offering a $25,000 college scholarship that requires an essay and video. The catch is finding someone who is willing to send a video to Pornhub who can actually write an essay.

Porn site Pornhub is offering a $25,000 college scholarship that requires an essay and video. Won’t that be a proud moment when the winner gets to tell all their friends which scholarship is paying their way through college?

Porn site Pornhub is offering a $25,000 college scholarship that requires an essay and video. Just a guess, but any guys interested in the contest can probably save themselves a lot of time and trouble by not bothering to enter.

Passengers on a Carnival Cruise ship got an extra day in the Virgin Islands following an engine fire. The extra day of vacation was a reward for the inconvenience as well as a chance to rest up before having to help row the ship back to port.

Pope Francis I has announced it will be faster, easier and cheaper for Catholics to get their marriage annulled. Apparently it has something to do with church members paying a fee and then just clicking their heels together three times.

A doctors’ group says that mergers of top health insurers could harm patients. Mostly when the doctors kick them out of their office when they find out their treatments aren’t covered.

Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas has been fined $9.5 Million for not taking steps to prevent money laundering. Which is no big deal to casinos as long as they don’t have to take any precautions to stop the different levels of skimming.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he is open to changing his role in the league’s punishment process. Which means he may have to step aside and let someone else be the official hand slapper.

New Zealand has banned its first book in 22 years, a novel that contains offensive language and gratuitous sex with teens. Which is disappointing for the people who were planning to buy the book as a present for the middle aged men who want to read it.

A report says that China’s economic slowdown could be good news for U.S. consumers.  The report says it could put a lid on prices, boost the service industry and actually delay them taking the rest of our jobs for awhile.

A report says that consumer borrowing in the U.S. has reached a record $3.45 Trillion. Which is a lot for 300 Million people to borrow, which makes it even harder to believe how 535 people in Congress could spend $18 Trillion more than we have.

A report says that consumer borrowing in the U.S. has reached a record $3.45 Trillion. Which is good news, because there is no better sign that the economy is improving when people are ready to go back into debt up to their eyeballs.

A report says that Aaron Rogers is the most valuable quarterback in the NFL. Tom Brady was listed as fourth, although it is suspected that stat could be overinflated.

AT&T is selling a device that makes cars into rolling Wi-Fi hotspots that can be used by up to five mobile devices. That leaves one device left to use to call 911 when the other four being used by the driver causes them to crash into a tree.

Amazon has started testing restaurant delivery service. The good news is that people who have Amazon Prime can listen to free streaming music while they wait two days for their meal to be guaranteed to be shipped.

A study says a new threat to self-driving cars are laser devices that can disable the navigation systems. Which at least will enable people in the future to see what it was really like to take a taxi when there were still actually cabbies behind the wheel.

Lufthansa canceled 1,000 flights on Wednesday because of a pilots’ strike. Or as United Airlines calls 1,000 canceled flights, “Wednesday.”

A study says that psychedelic drugs like LSD and magic mushrooms could be helpful for some people. Mostly anyone who is stuck having to listen to Joe Biden giving a four hour long speech.

A study says that smoking e-cigarettes can lead to smoking regular cigarettes. The good news is that after they get hooked on tobacco cigarettes they can use their e-cigarettes to help them quit smoking.

An Illinois woman lost a lawsuit against a sperm bank, claiming her baby was fathered by the wrong donor. Or as the divorced mothers of every Millennial living in their basement playing video games all day are saying, “Tell me about it.”

A study says that sleep apnea may be hurting kids’ grades. Although it can help others, especially the ones who can’t sleep during class because the kids with sleep apnea are keeping them awake with their snoring.

The Who has postponed their latest tour because Roger Daltrey caught an “unspecified virus.” The difference is that in 1968 an “unspecified virus” would have been taken care of with a shot of penicillin, while now it is a an extra can of Ensure.

Tom Brady says his marriage to Gisele Bundchen is still strong. In fact it is the one part of his life where he isn’t being accused of being a cheater.

Computer anti-virus creator John McAfee says he is thinking about running for President. If nothing else at least he could beat Hillary Clinton with the voters who cast their ballots based on the security of their e-mails.

Computer anti-virus creator John McAfee says he is thinking about running for President. He’s a billionaire who is also a fugitive in a Central America murder case. In other words, he is the candidate for people who want to support Donald Trump but don’t think he has enough blood on his hands.

Bentley is set to unveil its Bentayga, reportedly the fastest and most luxurious SUV on the market. Apparently it is the perfect combination for soccer moms who can only eat a hot dog if it is covered in Grey Poupon.

A judge in New York says that Costco violated trademark laws by selling counterfeit rings carrying the Tiffany name. Although it will be tough for any customers to get punitive damages for being dumb enough to do their Tiffany jewelry shopping at Costco.

United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned in connection with a federal investigation. Although in the airline industry, stepping down from United is always considered a step up.

United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned in connection with a federal investigation. Hopefully, the shakeup won’t affect the great service and customer satisfaction that United was someday hoping to consider maybe trying but probably not.

United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned in connection with a federal investigation. Fortunately, Smisek will only be facing jail time as sentencing him to have to fly on United every day would constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

A “Star Wars” themed luxury watch is selling for $28,500. Which can be easily afforded with the money “Star Wars” fans from the 29 years from age 16 to 45 have saved by never having to have paid for things like actually going out on a date.

A “Star Wars” themed luxury watch is selling for $28,500. It even has a special feature that tells the owner when it is time for them to get back home to their room in their parents’ basement.

An effort by Africa to tackle cybercrime is reportedly gaining momentum. Apparently it already has the backing of the government, law enforcement and several prominent Nigerian princes.

A restaurant in San Francisco lets customers order, pay and receive food without interacting with a person. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the lunch time rush at Taco Bell.

Venus Williams received her bachelor’s degree through an online program at Indiana University East. Although ironically after receiving her diploma she was promptly schooled by her sister Serena in three sets to get eliminated from the U.S. Open.

A letter written by the “Titanic’s coward” who paid his way onto a lifeboat to get away from the sinking ship is up for auction. Imagine using money and influence to get special treatment and avoid a catastrophe. Or as Tom Brady would say, “The system works!”

The chief economist for the World Bank says a rate increase by the Fed would cause panic and turmoil in emerging markets. To which stock market traders are saying that is their job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great Labor Day Weekend. Now get back to work! At least we get one day to celebrate the job we will still hopefully have once we are back at the office. I am back on the job, both here and at whatever else I do that actually pays my wage. Since this is a labor of love for me, I hope you all take the time to celebrate my labor by remembering to make sure to send the love!

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