Tuesday, September 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Tim Tebow has been cut by the Eagles. The good news is that fans will still be able to see him perform his “Tebowing” during birthday celebrations at TGI Friday’s.

Tim Tebow has been cut by the Eagles. The only question is where at this late date will the team be able to find someone else with his ability to walk up and down the sidelines carrying a clipboard?

Tim Tebow has been cut by the Eagles. Some say his NFL career could be over. However, a player hasn’t really hit rock bottom with their playing days until they are cut by the Raiders.

Time Warner is planning a channel dedicated to the visit of Pope Francis I to the U.S. later this month. Apparently there has been a void in religious icons on TV ever since NBC cut Donald Trump as host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

A report says the average age of movie action heroes is now up to 48. Mostly because the average age just in “The Expendables” series with Sylvester Stallone and his friends is somewhere around 85.

Three journalists working for Al-Jazeera have been jailed in Egypt for airing “false news.” No one had any idea that “Al-Jazeera” is Arabic for “Fox News.”

A UK study says that cats don’t need humans to feel protected. In fact, they wouldn’t need people at all other than the fact we have opposable thumbs and are able to operate a can opener.

A new blood test will reportedly be able to detect a person’s risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. The first sign will be when the patient gets lost trying to find the lab to get their blood work done.

Range Rover is introducing a $550,000 4x4 armored mobile fortress that can reportedly withstand grenades and gunfire. Which is a lot of money to have to pay for the privilege of driving around L.A. and showing other drivers your middle finger.

An Australian bookmaker is taking bets on the first beaches that will “disappear” due to global warming. As opposed to the first beaches that will disappear because of rising tides from all the obese sunbathers going into the water at once.

An Australian bookmaker is taking bets on the first beaches that will “disappear” due to global warming. To be fair they are also taking bets on which New Jersey beaches will be restored after the rising tides wash away all the medical waste.

The U.N. says the world’s forests are disappearing at a slower pace. Mostly because after the mortgage crash, no one needs wood for anything they can no longer afford, like building a new house.

The U.N. says the world’s forests are disappearing at a slower pace. Mostly because it’s not like we need wood pulp for archaic and obsolete purposes, like making books for people to read.

A television comedian has won the first round of presidential voting in Guatemala. To which Donald Trump supporters in the U.S. are saying “Hey, we thought of it first!”

An American Airlines flight from Phoenix to Baltimore had to return to the airport after a pilot became ill. To which pilots on Southwest are saying that would never happen if people would just remember to eat some snacks to offset the alcohol during happy hour.

China has dropped its estimates for economic growth in 2014 to 7.3% from 7.4%. Which is good news in that means they will be stealing a tenth of a percent fewer jobs from the U.S. in 2015.

Toshiba says it overstated its earnings by nearly $2 Billion over the past 7 years. To which Chryslers says that’s nothing, they’ve been overestimating every time they even reported a profit since 1957.

A petition is calling for airlines to set seat standards for the safety and comfort of passengers. To which the airlines are saying for now they will just stick with the old standards which consider the profit and bonuses of the airlines and its executives.

A petition is calling for airlines to set seat standards for the safety and comfort of passengers. To which the airlines are saying it’s not their fault that “wide bodies” used to describe jets and not fliers.

Hotels are starting to charge new fees to guarantee customers the room they want. What’s next, restaurants charging extra to make sure you get the meal you ordered?

Hotels are starting to charge new fees to guarantee customers the room they want. If that works, wait for the airlines to start charging extra to make sure you arrive at the destination you booked.

A report says the Apple self driving car could be years away. In the meantime, people who can’t wait to drive an Apple can always get behind the wheel of a Chrysler lemon.

Laboratory results say airline tray tables are the dirtiest part on an airplane. Which makes sitting next to a screaming baby not as bad as the people who sat in your seat on the previous flight and used the tray as a diaper changing table.

Laboratory results say airline tray tables are the dirtiest part on an airplane. Which doesn’t make sense, as it’s not like the airlines use those tables for anything like a place to set meals.

A study says that teens are using e-cigarettes to “vape” marijuana. If you thought that makes your kids lazy, just wait until they figure out how to vape pizza, Doritos and Oreos.

A study says that lung screening may not push smokers to quit. Which is no surprise just like every home having a bathroom scale hasn’t gotten anyone to try a new diet.

A study says that lung screening may not push smokers to quit. Mostly because if the screenings don’t show cancer, there is no reason to quit and if there is cancer, then what’s the difference?

British scientists say a zap with an electric device can prevent motion sickness. Now if they could just come up with a device to prevent the sick feeling that comes after eating British food.

British musician Max Richter has composed an album that will lull people to sleep for eight hours. Or they could just turn their radio over to NPR.

British musician Max Richter has composed an album that will lull people to sleep for eight hours. There is already a lawsuit claiming the songs were plagiarized from Coldplay.

Martin Milner, the star of the 1960s show “Route 66” has died at age 83. To which anyone who is under 40 is saying “There was really a road called Route 66?”

“Marmaduke” cartoonist Brad Anderson has died at age 91. Which is sad in that in Marmaduke years he was only 13.

Tiger Woods’ former mistress Rachel Uchitel is set to undergo brain surgery. Which gives her an excuse but still doesn’t explain what was going on with the other 14.

NBC is reportedly near a replacement for Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” So far the leading candidates who have applied are Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee.

Former Miss Nevada Katie Rees was arrested for possession of meth. Which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone since when she won the title back in 2006, making a meth lab out of basic kitchen appliances and utensils was her entry in the talent contest.

A minor league baseball player in Pensacola, Florida played all nine positions in the same game. It was the most positions ever taken with the same baseball team in one night by anyone since Paris Hilton.

Toyota is partnering with scientists from Stanford and MIT to develop self-driving technology for their cars. Which is great for anyone who wants a car that drives around like a scientist at Stanford or MIT.

Fiat Chrysler has recalled 8,000 Jeeps over a security flaw that could allow hackers to remotely control the vehicles. To which the owners are saying they would like it if someone else could take a crack at actually getting their vehicle started every morning.

President Obama has ordered federal contractors to give their workers paid sick leave of up to seven days a year. To which congressional members objected, saying pretty soon other federal workers will be like Congress and want a three day work week.

Labor Day parade goers in Pennsylvania yelled at Joe Biden to “Run Joe, Run!” Some were supporters wanting him to join the race for President while others were afraid if he stood in one place long enough he would start giving a speech.

President Obama says that Republican policies are hurting working people. Which Republicans deny, saying their policies help working people, as long as they are working in the top floor of a downtown office building.

President Obama says that Republican policies are hurting working people. Although Republicans say only the ones who still have jobs their policies haven’t turned into minimum wage part time employment or sent overseas.

Supporters of immigrant reform say they hope the Pope’s visit to the U.S. will end immigrant detention. Although there could be a problem with the Pope’s arrival as Donald Trump is insisting before he is allowed into the country he shows his green card.

Colin Powell says he used two computers while he was Secretary of State, one for transmitting sensitive material and the other for “housekeeping stuff.” To which Arnold Schwarzenegger is saying if he had thought of using a different computer for housekeeping stuff he wouldn’t have been caught.

Colin Powell says he used two computers while he was Secretary of State, one for transmitting sensitive material and the other for “housekeeping stuff.” And that doesn’t include the TRS-80 he used to come up with those maps of Al-Queda mobile labs he tried to pass off to the U.N.

Former “Laugh-In” star Judy Carne has died at age 76. The cause of death was reportedly telling the wrong person to “Sock it to me!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The last joke was a sad one, as Judy Carne was one of my favorites on the great show “Laugh-In.” I used to watch that show faithfully and still would if I could find the reruns anywhere. It was a full hour of non-stop gags and one-liners that must have been torturous to produce. There were ten second bits that must have taken an hour to shoot. The late Judy Carne was the “Sock it to me!” girl who gave us the phrase that eventually led to Richard Nixon going on the show and saying “Sock it to ME?” The show gave us so many great stars who went on to legendary careers. There will never be anything like it again. RIP, Judy Carne. Let’s have everyone remember to think of all the “Laugh-In” alumni who have passed on and today send them the love!

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