Friday, September 04, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Feminist groups are angry that Kermit the Frog’s new girlfriend is young and thin. Which seems kind of superficial when you realize that no one has an issue with the idea of the mating of two different species.

Feminist groups are angry that Kermit the Frog’s new girlfriend is young and thin. Which would be more of an issue if it weren’t for the fact that both characters are puppets.

A study says that mobile devices can increase the risk of developing skin cancer by reflecting ultraviolet rays from the Sun. Which would be a problem except that no one ever goes outside because it’s too hard to look at their iPhone outside with all the glare.

Donald Trump has signed a loyalty pledge to the GOP promising to support the eventual candidate and not run on a third party ticket. Although they have wonder if he will honor it as he has also taken the vows of marriage with three different women.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President he will move into the White House. Mostly because he likes the idea of downsizing and not having to deal with a daily commute to the office.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President he will move into the White House. Mostly because he thinks he could do a lot with a Palladian fixer upper and could make a nice profit by either flipping it or transforming it into a hotel.

Pope Francis I says he wants the chair he will use for his mass at Madison Square Garden to be made by immigrant laborers. Mostly because they are the only ones who will be able to follow the instructions that come with the piece he has ordered from Ikea.

The director of Taylor Swift’s latest video has hit back at critics who complain there are no black people in the video set in Africa. He says the way to get black people around Taylor Swift is to give her an award.

A 91 year old sex expert in India still writes a popular tabloid column featuring sex education. Although the question is, in a country with 1.25 Billion people is it really necessary to have to teach them about what sex is for?

A judge has overturned the four game suspension given Tom Brady for his role in Deflategate. The case could be appealed by the NFL, just as soon as they can get the courtroom video to the replay officials for further review.

A study says that low income workers have seen the biggest drop in their paychecks since the start of the recession. Or as low income workers are also known as in the U.S. anymore, “workers.”

The Ukraine has banned Russians from owning TV stations in their country. To which Democrats are looking at Australian born Rupert Murdoch and saying “You can do that?”

A study says in nature, the number of predators does not increase at the same rate as their prey. Which holds true for humans as well as there always seems to be more men than women whenever you go into a bar.

A report says that Labor Day drivers will have the lowest gasoline prices since 2004. Which is good news compared with back in 2009 when people were seeing most the money from their labor going just to keep their tank full.

A “Flintstones” themed house near San Francisco is on the market for $4.2 Million. The house is listed at 2,400 square feet and includes amenities like the octopus dishwasher, pelican garbage can and mastodon vacuum cleaner.

Warren Buffett reportedly lost $11.2 Billion in the market selloff. He blames it on the sudden drop, market volatility and all the phone traffic making it so he couldn’t get through in time to his broker over at Charles Schwab.

Boston has banned smokeless tobacco from all ballparks in the city. Not to say it was getting to be a problem, but baseball officials were worried if it kept up Fenway Park would soon be known for the left field Brown Monster.

Boston has banned smokeless tobacco from all ballparks in the city. Although the grounds crew’s biggest problem with third baseman Pablo Sandoval isn’t tobacco spit but all the discarded Twinkies wrappers.

An analysis says that Donald Trump has created 34,000 jobs over the years. Wouldn’t you think that out of all those employees he would have hired at least one decent hair stylist?

The Israeli Parliament has banned journalists from giving their opinions during newscasts. Which is no big deal for Fox News since no one has ever actually referred to Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity or Elisabeth Hasselbeck as journalists in the first place.

A county clerk in Kentucky has been jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. If that isn’t bad enough for someone so anti-gay, her first night in women’s jail will be movie night with a special viewing of “Born Innocent.”

San Jose is joining with seven other cities to raise the area’s minimum wage. Which seems like a small victory for workers in an area where a six figure income still falls inside the poverty line.

A study has tied distinctive risk factors to sexual assaults at large events. Those risk factors are generally the presence of women, men and alcohol.

Tori Spelling is suing Benihana over injuries she reportedly suffered after falling on a grill at the restaurant earlier this year. The restaurant’s only statement about the legal action by Spelling is “What a hibachi!”

Tori Spelling is suing Benihana over injuries she reportedly suffered after falling on a grill at the restaurant earlier this year. She had third degree burns that required a hospital stay, skin grafts and replacing more than three pounds of melted plastic.

Keith Richards says that rap music is “for the tone deaf.” Which really should be pretty enjoyable for someone who has had to listen to Mick Jagger sing for the past 50 years.

Anne Hathaway lamented she is losing parts to 24 year olds. Mostly because those actresses have 24 year old parts.

Black Sabbath is set to launch a farewell tour next year. Which comes 30 years after Ozzie Osbourne said farewell to his mind.

Black Sabbath is set to launch a farewell tour next year. The other band members were able to talk Ozzie Osbourne into the idea by saying they were “going bye-bye.”

The MTV VMAs are being criticized for glorifying the use of marijuana. That was pretty obvious from the moment they announced they would be hosted by Miley Cyrus.

The MTV VMAs are being criticized for glorifying the use of marijuana. Which is good because it took the spotlight away from the event’s racism, four letter words and nudity.

Stephen Colbert’s first episode of the “Late Show” will be running over its usual time allotment. Which apparently is right in line with something being labeled the late show.

Stephen Colbert’s first episode of the “Late Show” on September 8th will be running over its usual time allotment. That is just to get everyone used to how long the show will run on September 10th when the featured guest will be Joe Biden.

Steven Spielberg says that superhero movies will eventually go the way of the western. Although his success with the “Jurassic Park” series has made it everyone else’s dream to have their films go the way of the dinosaurs.

Courtney Stodden’s mother says she regrets letting her 16 year old marry a 51 year old man. Which could have been avoided if she had actually said what she was agreeing to out loud.

Courtney Stodden’s mother says she regrets letting her 16 year old marry a 51 year old man. Although that same formula could be the ticket that gets Melania Trump into the White House as First Lady.

Justin Bieber says he cried during the MTV VMAs saying that just being there was overwhelming. Along with the fact his accountant was talking to him through his earpiece with the sales report from his latest album.

Justin Bieber says he cried during the MTV VMAs saying that just being there was overwhelming. Which was nothing compared to all the people crying at home after realizing they just wasted five minutes of their life listening to Justin Bieber sing.

Tom Brady and his wife Gisele Bundchen say they are at a “rocky point” but are still in love. Although Bundchen is complaining that she married a quarterback but hasn’t been sacked in months.

Tom Brady and his wife Gisele Bundchen say they are at a “rocky point” but are still in love. Apparently they are going to start seeing a therapist to see what they can do to get her to be in love as much with Tom Brady as Tom Brady is.

Deron Williams says his new teammate Dirk Nowitzki could play in the NBA “until he’s 50.” To which most people saying why not, it’s already been done by the entire lineup of the San Antonio Spurs.

L.A. Kings defenseman Slava Voynov was reportedly taken into custody by U.S. Immigration following domestic violence charges. People were shocked. The one person up for deportation in southern California is from Russia?

Promoter Bob Arum says that Manny Pacquiao will retire next year. Although most boxing fans thought that already happened at the opening bell of his fight with Floyd Mayweather.

American tennis player Jack Sock had to withdraw from his match at the U.S. Open after suffering heat exhaustion. He was so hot and sweaty that he may have to change his name to Jim Sock.

Scientists are saying there is so much pollution that every seabird on Earth will be eating plastic by the year 2050. Which explains what may have caused the Seahawks to choke so badly at the end of last year’s Super Bowl.

Facebook is taking steps to develop educational software. Mostly trying to teach children not to waste their lives posting selfies on Facebook all day.

Scottish scientists have developed a protein that reportedly causes ice cream to melt more slowly. Which isn’t an issue in America where even in triple digit heat no one has ever eaten their ice cream slowly enough to even give it a chance to melt.

Facebook has been rated as the most successful app, beating out Google and Apple. which could be replaced at any time when someone comes up with an app to tell the people wasting all their time on their devices how to actually have a life.

Apple has applied for a patent on a fuel system that will run a laptop or other devices for weeks without having to charge them. They could make a perpetual motion machine if they could only find a way to harness the energy from the despair of Millennials doomed to game the rest of their lives away in their parents’ basement.

Donald Trump stumbled and then bristled after being asked specific questions about his foreign policy plans. Which shouldn’t have been a big deal for the presidential candidate. It’s pretty much if you are foreign, his policy is to deport you.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The U.S. Open is underway in New York. Which could be the last time for the tournament as it is now named as when Donald Trump becomes President it will be called the U.S. Is No Longer Open. I hope you all have a great Labor Day Weekend. I won’t be writing a blog for Monday so you will just have to somehow find something more entertaining to do on the holiday, like clipping your toenails or cleaning out the basement dryer vent. I’m sure you will think of something. In the meantime, if you do find a few spare minutes over the course of three days off I would appreciate it if you remember to make sure to take the time to send the love!

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