Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

World leaders meeting at a U.N. luncheon were served food that would have otherwise gone to waste. In other words, it was catered with a go order from Taco Bell.

World leaders meeting at a U.N. luncheon were served food that would have otherwise gone to waste. Although int the U.S., the only food that ever winds up in the garbage is what is left over after everyone has had a chance at seconds, thirds or fourths.

A report says that by 2050 human on robot sex will be more common than that between humans. The worst part is when the robots are having sex with humans and it isn’t consensual.

Sioux tribal leaders in South Dakota are considering opening the nation’s first marijuana resort. The idea is that people will be able to get so high they will forget they are still in South Dakota.

A study says that chemical exposure is linked to diabetes and obesity. Mostly because the chemicals are used to make the wrappers for Big Macs, Whoppers and Crunchwrap Supremes.

A poll says that Americans’ trust in the media is at an all time low of 40%. Mostly because the poll was taken in the same week that Brian Williams came back on the air
for NBC.

A poll says that Americans’ trust in the media is at an all time low of 40%. Although it isn’t the media’s fault. If they really told us how bad things are the whole country could go into a complete meltdown.

Twitter says it is planning on going beyond the current limit of 140 characters. Apparently they are going to start with 141 for a few years and see how that goes before making any final decisions.

Twitter says it is planning on going beyond the current limit of 140 characters. Which means Twitter users will be able to write out complete tweets so other people don’t have to waste time having a 13 year old translate all the abbreviations.

Developers in L.A. are offering mega mansions starting at $115 Million. Although more conservative buyers can still get a property for under $10 Million if they will drop down to a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that Americans are shifting away from more traditional jobs. Like the ones that aren’t around anymore that offer full time work, benefits and a livable wage.

A report says that audiences have been left feeling sick after seeing the movie “The Walk” from the 3D special effects. It wasn’t a big problem for the moviegoers, especially the ones who have already experienced that same feeling after watching an Adam Sandler film.

Justin Bieber says in an interview that he wants to live his life like Jesus. Many people think that is a great idea, at least the last part.

President Obama thanked the Secret Service for protecting the Pope, China’s President and world leaders visiting the U.N. To which the Secret Service is saying “We thought they were all coming next week!”

President Obama thanked the Secret Service for protecting the Pope, China’s President and world leaders visiting the U.N. Apparently the agents were more focused on the job since all the D.C. hookers are out of their price range.

President Obama thanked the Secret Service for protecting the Pope, China’s President and world leaders visiting the U.N. Especially the Pope, who was facing threats from religious fanatics, anti-Catholics and mostly Republican presidential candidates.

Police officers in Britain are apologizing to a community where they let their sirens blare so students could settle a debate if they made a “woo-woo” or “nee-nah.” Which after tricking the police into blasting their sirens the students all said “nyah nyah.”

Two people were killed in a car crash in Mexico because the passenger side air bag was replaced with bricks of cocaine. Which also explains why the crash happened in the first place because the person behind the wheel was driving non-stop for four days.

A report says that a quarter of the 41 Million Americans with student loans are struggling to make payments. The other three quarters aren’t even making an attempt because they are too busy struggling trying to find a job to make ends meet.

The “.Sucks” domain is selling sites for 99 cents a year. Although United Airlines is still spending millions of dollars to try to buy up all the name possibilities their passengers can come up with.

Donald Trump is reportedly furious at Forbes for what he calls an embarrassingly low net worth estimate which is less than half of his claim of $10 Billion. The question is, do we really want someone running the country who is “embarrassed” because people might think they are only worth $4.5 Billion?

A Puerto Rican congressman says that the U.S. government treats them like second class citizens. To which Puerto Ricans in America are saying if they continue to work hard and assimilate, they also hope someday to be treated that well.

A Puerto Rican congressman says that the U.S. government treats them like second class citizens. To which Donald Trump says that won’t happen if he is President. He will subject all foreigners to nothing but first class treatment while they are being deported.

Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to order groceries online. Which is great news for people who are tired of lugging 5 gallon jars of mayonnaise and 12 dozen packs of macaroni and cheese around the store and all the way home.

The NHTSA says that Fiat Chrysler underreported death and injury claims to federal regulators. To which Chrysler is saying they are indirect casualties which were mostly from heart attacks while trying to push their vehicles to a car repair shop.

A study says that driver-assist systems could save 10,000 lives a year. And that’s just the accidents cause by people veering in front of three lanes of oncoming traffic to get to the drive thru for their morning cup of Starbucks.

American Airlines has added free real-time baggage tracking. Which means passengers will now be able to know which country their luggage is staying at during their vacation so they can mail it a postcard.

American Airlines has added free real-time baggage tracking. Passengers were excited at the news. Not because they can find out where their lost luggage ended up, but because an airline is actually doing something without charging a fee.

A study says that calcium from dairy products and supplements doesn’t strengthen people’s bones. Which is painfully evident, especially for anyone who has heard their fingers cracking when reaching into the refrigerator to pick up a gallon jug of milk.

An implantable, pacemaker like device may ease sleep apnea. Which is better than where their partner currently implants their foot when they can’t sleep from the constant snoring.

A website allows people to take an eye test with their laptop. Which is good news for people who have lost a significant part of their vision from staring at a computer screen 14 hours a day.

A study says that learning from past mistakes is a bad idea for most people. Especially Charlie Sheen who has made a lucrative career out of repeating his over and over.

A study says that learning from past mistakes is a bad idea for most people. Except for people who keep thinking the newest version of Windows will really be the one to make their computer work the way they want.

A study says that learning from past mistakes is a bad idea for most people. If we learned from our mistakes, for one thing congressional term limits wouldn’t even be something we would have to think about.

A study says that thousands of toddlers are injured every year from falling TV sets. Mostly ones thrown out of windows during an episode of “The Kardashians.”

A report says that polio is gone from Nigeria. Apparently it turns out all those Nigerian princes were using all the money they have made helping out their rich imprisoned relatives to eradicate the deadly disease.

Taylor Swift is denying rumors she is getting married to boyfriend Calvin Harris. Apparently the speculation that it was serious started as soon as word got out that they actually made it as far as a second date without her writing a breakup song about him.

The executive producer of “The Simpsons” says the who will probably end in another three years after its 30th season. Mostly because by then Bart will actually be older than Homer was when the series started.

The executive producer of “The Simpsons” says the who will probably end in another three years after its 30th season. It became apparent that they were running out of ideas when last year’s cliffhanger final episode was whether they should violate the five second rule when Maggie drops her pacifier.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he is against asterisks for Steroid Era records, including those of Barry Bonds. Although he does favor an asterisk next to Bonds’ name just to denote what a douchebag he is.

The NFL has set a record of 730 penalties in the first three weeks of the season. Which is just another sign along with their 2 and 1 record that the Raiders are finally back in playoff form.

A New York federal appeals court says next February will be the earliest it will hear arguments about Tom Brady and Deflategate. Which at this pace means he will have to sit out his four game suspension while he is vacationing in the Bahamas sometime in 2044.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says an Apple and Microsoft partnership is “what the customers want.” Well, most Apple customers want pretty much everything in that idea except the part about Microsoft.

A survey says that Millennials are not that interested in Snapchat and Twitter. Mostly because they know if they wait another two weeks there will be two new social media sites that are more popular.

Genetically engineered micropigs are being sold as pets in China. They would be sold in the U.S. but when Americans  hear the term “micropig” that just brings to mind having pork products that can be served quickly from a microwave.

A report says that autonomous vehicles will be good for the environment, the economy and people’s wallets but not so good for the heart. Especially when people can order their car to drive them to Taco Bell while they still have food in both hands from their trip to McDonald’s.

Congressional Republicans say a plan to hand over control of the Internet to a global nonprofit group is unconstitutional. Although most Americans are good with the arrangement just as long as it doesn’t interfere with the Founding Fathers’ intention to make sure all citizens have access to free Internet porn.

Bill Clinton says that Donald Trump is running a fact-free campaign. As opposed to Clinton who used to like to run his campaigns pants-free.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of September. That means we just go through October and then we are into November. Then it’s another year after that when we vote for President. Does anyone else see how wrong that is? At least after the 2016 election is over we won’t care who won because then it will be time to start speculating on who will run in 2020. We spend more time wondering who will win the next elections instead of checking up on the people who are in power now. Which most people are OK with because it gives people reasons to yell at each other on the cable news channels which is great entertainment value. Hopefully these jokes carry some entertainment value, which mostly comes from the people in power I am ranting about. All I know is that I am good as long as you all remember to take the time to send the love!

No comments: