Thursday, September 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A judge has overturned Tom Brady's four game suspension over Deflategate. The Raiders are now asking him to review the Immaculate Reception.

Chinese warships were reportedly spotted off the coast of Alaska. Which means that Sarah Palin’s backyard view now takes her all the way to Asia.

A survey says that 15% of men say they would have sex with a robot. The other 85% say they would, too but only if the robot wasn’t fat.

A survey says that 15% of men say they would have sex with a robot. To which women say they would, too as long as the robot has a setting for “vibrate.”

A survey puts Moscow, Russia as the world’s most unfriendly city. You would be pretty grumpy, too if you just finished waiting in line eight hours for a roll of toilet paper.

A survey puts Moscow, Russia as the world’s most unfriendly city. Paris didn’t even finish in the top 30, to which the residents there called the people putting the list together a bunch of filthy morons.

A report says that one in four residents of Houston were born in a foreign country. Meaning to locals that they come from a state other than Texas.

A Texas man was killed while taking a selfie with a gun. His last words were “Say lead!”

A Texas man was killed while taking a selfie with a gun. When doing that, it is important to remember which one to squeeze to take the picture.

A new trend is marijuana infused wine. Which until now used to just be called bong water.

A report says banks saw record profits this year in the second quarter. Which means increases in housing prices finally means they are making money for the work they did on foreclosing all their subprime loans.

A report says banks saw record profits this year in the second quarter. Mostly now that they stopped having to pay interest like they did when people actually had savings accounts.

The University of South Carolina has suspended 13 fraternities from recruiting because of alcohol and risk management violations. In other words, they were behaving like some kind of fraternities.

The President of Mexico gave his state of the nation speech where he acknowledged fear and distrust. Especially over the idea that the country to their north could conceivably elect Donald Trump as President.

A baby was born in the backseat of an Uber car in New York City. Which surprised most people who thought the ride sharing company was talking about just food when they said they were getting into the delivery business.

The world’s biggest selfie is going to be attempted in Australia. Apparently they have developed a camera which has a wide enough lens to capture all of Kim Kardashian’s backside along with Kanye West’s entire head.

The President of China is considering stopping over in Seattle on his way to visit Washington, D.C. He says while he is here he just wants to take a little side trip to check out how all his country’s investments are doing.

Microsoft says it is working on helping young people get into the tech industry. Which means processing all the resumes of employees at Microsoft who are trying to get jobs at Google, Apple and Facebook.

A survey says that half of all Millennials age 18-34 have applied to get credit cards they aren’t qualified for. The other half know that until they are in their 60s and finally pay off their college loans they won’t even be able to carry a Discover Card.

A San Francisco company is offering to send people’s ashes to the Moon for $12,000. It’s just too bad the offer came too late for Ralph Kramden to tell his wife “To the Moon!” and really mean it.

A survey says that U.S. job creation has reached a record high. The bad news is that the jobs we are creating are going to Mexico, India and China.

A survey says that U.S. job creation has reached a record high. The problem is that while companies are creating new jobs, they aren’t hiring anyone all the work has to be done by the people who are already there.

The Kansas City Royals have been hit by two cases of chicken pox. Which is ironic that it would hit a team other than the Red Sox and Yankees whose fans have been cursing a pox on each other for years.

The Kansas City Royals have been hit by two cases of chicken pox. So even if they don’t win the pennant this year, at least they can celebrate with a team pox party.

A study says that people who procrastinate can experience problems with their health, careers and relationships. The study would have come out sooner, since it was commissioned back in 1985 but researchers just got around to finishing it.

A study says that acupuncture may help people with high blood pressure. Although you know your blood pressure is too high when the only way to bring it down is to start punching holes everywhere.

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards has rejected a plea deal for public intoxication that could result in her serving jail time. You know you are a D-List celebrity when you are facing the possibility of going to jail and you haven’e even killed anyone.

Dean Jones, the star of Disney movies like “The Love Bug” has died at age 84. Fans of the movie don’t like to say he passed away, but like Herbie he was just recalled.

Avril Lavigne and Char Kroeger are reportedly getting divorced after two years. Apparently it took her that long to realize she married the guy from Nickelback.

The White House says it is “looking forward” to Kanye West running for President in 2020. If nothing else, it will be worth it to witness the transition between the administrations of West and outgoing President Donald Trump.

A study has proposed a way to use cellphones to measure a person’s boredom level. The best way to see if they are not bored is if they actually can go more than five seconds without checking their cellphone.

A travel group says Labor Day weekend travelers will spend $13.5 Billion this year. Mostly on all the mattress sales so they can lie in bed all weekend because they are depressed about not having enough money to take a trip anywhere.

Security experts say hackers can use baby monitors to watch other people’s kids. To which most parents are saying that is great, just keep an eye on them for a couple of hours while they go out for some dinner and drinks.

Security experts say hackers can use baby monitors to watch other people’s kids. Which sounds about as much of a threat as someone actually requesting a seat assignment on an airplane next to a couple with an infant.

Verizon has come out with a new logo the day after Google announced its new logo. To which AOL says it will keep its old logo since nothing else about the company has changed since 1996.

IBM is bringing Watson to help out with gathering and delivering information to fans. The number one request from spectators is which row is the best to sit in to still see the action and not suffer ear damage from the women players’ grunting.

Mt. McKinley in Alaska not only has a new name, Denali but has also been measured ten feet shorter than previously thought. To which fans of President McKinley are saying the shrinkage is just a result of the cold.

A study says the average company reports more than one gambling app on employee devices. The sad part is that most of the employees are gambling on who will be laid off first and the odds of the company meeting payroll on the next payday.

Hillary Clinton has proposed a $10 Billion program to combat addiction. Which interestingly enough covers recovery treatment for alcohol, drugs and pudgy interns.

The Republican Party is asking presidential candidates to sign a loyalty pledge saying they will support the eventual nominee. Which is tough for most the candidates to agree to seeing as how if Trump gets the nod they will be looking to move out of the country.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote an op-ed article in the Washington Post critical of Donald Trump. Which shows the state of our political system when the big news in the presidential race is what a retired NBA player says about a former reality show host.

Joe Biden gave a speech in Miami that gave no hints that he is planning to run for President. Although in actuality the speech pretty left everyone in the audience with no idea of what he was saying about anything.

A court has stripped the lesser prairie chicken of its federal protection. To which the chickens are saying it’s not fair, that all the good things only happen to the greater prairie chickens.

Donald Trump told Jeb Bush that he should set an example by speaking only English while he is in the U.S. To which Bush says that’s not true, his brother George served as President for eight years without uttering one sentence containing any proper English.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says that China needs to be more open about its currency devaluation. He says that the U.S. has been completely straightforward with the rest of the world when the dollar became absolutely worthless.

Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump for being a “germaphobe.” To which Trump says that isn’t true, that he hasn’t had the squirrel living on his head checked for ticks, lice or fleas in months.

A report says that one of three veterans waiting for VA benefits eligibility are dead. To which the rest are saying at least that just made the line shorter.

A report says that one of three veterans waiting for VA benefits eligibility are dead. The other two are saying that until now they thought the lines at Disney World were long.

A report says that Hillary Clinton’s e-mails contained classified information about North Korea. Mostly the mobile labs where it was believed that Kim Jong-un was going to get his hair cut.

A report says that half the immigrants in the U.S. are receiving welfare. The other half are working in jobs that have resulted in half the country collecting unemployment.

Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred has refused to reinstate banished baseball player Shoeless Joe Jackson. Baseball experts say that doesn’t bode well for people who would like to see the reinstatement of Hairless Pete Rose.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s been a long month for comedy material with Congress on vacation all of August. Thank goodness they are back in session for the three days they put in during September. In the meantime, the presidential race has become a comedy cottage industry on its own with Donald Trump. That is usually enough to keep me inspired to write, but it never hurts when all of you remember to take the time to send the love!

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