Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump released his tax plan which he says will give tax breaks to the middle class. Just as soon as they start their own successful businesses and become millionaires.

Donald Trump released his tax plan which he says will give tax breaks to the middle class. Apparently it follows the lead of George W. Bush for the middle class which is when you take away their income they pay no taxes.

Outgoing House Speaker John Boehner says he will get “lots done” in has last month on the job. Mostly painting his office, moving out the furniture and forwarding his address.

Outgoing House Speaker John Boehner says he will get “lots done” in has last month on the job. Apparently there will still be all kinds of legislation that have been sitting on his desk for the past five years he can give one last try at obstructing.

The Mark Hotel in Manhattan has become the world’s most expensive hotel, offering a room for $75,000 a night. The room itself is $300 but the extra charges come from having a fully stocked minibar.

Whole Foods says it will cut 1,500 jobs over the next two months. The good news for the store is that with what they pay their employees versus what they charge for their food, at least they won’t be letting go any of their customers.

A study says the brains of intelligent people are wired differently than those who are less intelligent. Or in layman’s terms, if you aren’t a smartphone you are pretty much just a flip phone.

A report in USA Today says that people’s TV watching habits may be killing them from sitting around too much. Which is no different than USA Today which is only read by people lounging in their hotel room or stuck in a seat for three straight hours on a plane.

A report says an increasing number of people are injured because they are distracted by their cellphones whole walking. Especially those who are walking because they crashed their car while they were texting behind the wheel.

The President of Kazakhstan has urged the world to abandon nuclear weapons by 2045. Mostly because by 2045 Kazakhstan will be the only country that hasn’t developed a nuclear stockpile.

Hepatitis B has reportedly been found in a fish. Which is what happens when it decided to live downstream in the creek from where Pam Anderson likes to swim.

Hepatitis B has reportedly been found in a fish. Which is what happens when people decide to try spear fishing using discarded needles.

80 leading colleges and universities have teamed up to make it easier to apply. They have come up with a form that simply asks how much money do they have and what is their credit score.

An analysis lists Emerson as the best journalism college in the country. Which in this job market is about the same as listing which college has the best philosophy program.

A survey says that a majority of Republicans believe in climate change. Especially the ones who watched the presidential debates and saw the temperature reach the boiling point every time Donald Trump made any comments about the other candidates.

House Speaker hopeful Kevin McCarthy is calling for a no-fly zone over Syria. The easiest way to do that would be to make their largest airport a hub for United Airlines.

A survey says that 45% of Americans miss their co-workers or some aspect of the job while they are away from the office. Mostly their weekly paycheck ever since they were laid off three years ago.

A survey says that 45% of Americans miss their co-workers or some aspect of the job while they are away from the office. The other 55% work for Amazon, Wal-Mart or 7-Eleven.

Colorado is considering a $30 toll lane to cut traffic delays for skiers returning to Denver after a weekend on the slopes. Which is ironic seeing those same people will pay $120 to be stuck in line waiting for hours at a time, otherwise known as buying a lift ticket.

Donald Trump’s proposed tax plan would mean half of all Americans would be paying no income taxes. Apparently he remembers Mitt Romney’s comments about the 47% which cost him the 2012 election and decided if you can’t beat them, join them.

Donald Trump says the American unemployment rate is actually as high as 42%, which includes groups like retirees. Which if he runs the government like his companies, no one will be able to leave the work force until they are in their 90s.

Donald Trump says the American unemployment rate is actually as high as 42%, which includes groups like retirees and stay at home moms. Apparently he is working on ways to cut the number of people not working, like filling all those empty factories with the millions of preschoolers who just sit in class a few hours a day.

Today is National Coffee Day, where many merchants are giving away coffee for free. However, that won’t happen in Seattle where anyone giving away free coffee will be jailed and tried as a traitor and domestic terrorist.

Burger King has launched a Halloween Whopper which features a black bun. Which is different than the moldy green buns kept by Jack-In-The-Box to be served on their special St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun Burgers.

A study says that drinking sugary drinks may damage the heart. Especially when the soda is used to wash down three Big Macs, two large orders fries and a couple of apple pies.

A study says that childhood trauma may boost the risk of heart disease for a lifetime. Especially if the trauma involves a ten year old getting on the bathroom scale and seeing it swing all the way up to 300 pounds.

A study says that childhood trauma may boost the risk of heart disease for a lifetime. Especially when they panic every time someone walks up behind them and they think they are going to be given a wedgie.

A survey says that many college students are less likely to be warned about substance abuse than kids who don’t go to college. Especially the kids who aren’t going to college because they didn’t even graduate high school from being drunk and stoned every day.

A study says that a lower drinking age increases the high school dropout rate. Especially with students whose parents don’t have a problem in writing them an absence excuse for being hung over.

A study says that a lower drinking age increases the high school dropout rate. Especially when students refer to open campus lunch as Happy Hour.

A study says that a lower drinking age increases the high school dropout rate.  Especially when the kids hear the final bell and think it means last call.

Astronaut Scott Kelly on the International Space Station was part of an experiment where he got a flu shot in space. The only problem is that NASA is so cheap anymore, the only way he could get it for free was to borrow John Glenn’s AARP card.

Astronaut Scott Kelly on the International Space Station was part of an experiment where he got a flu shot in space. Apparently it was at the insistence of his mother who makes him wear a jacket when he goes out for a space walk when it’s absolute zero.

77 year old Kenny Rogers says he is retiring from the road. Which is ironic since his face just received a new paving.

Holly Madison says Hugh Hefner “disgusted her” by offering to write her into his will. Which sounds strange for someone who wasn’t disgusted with the thought of having sex with an 89 year old man.

“The Simpsons” will feature an episode this season where character Waylon Smithers reveals he is gay. Which for anyone who has ever watched the show is about as much of a blockbuster as disclosing that Homer is overweight.

Model Bailey Scarlett says her drink was spiked at a party hosted by Justin Bieber. She says she had a feeling she should have picked the juice box instead of going with the sippy cup.

Facebook was down on Tuesday which was blamed on malware. Which everyone can thank Mark Zuckerberg for going against his better judgment and friending those Nigerian princes.

The creator of “Everybody Loves Raymond” says he would have trouble getting the show on the air today. Mostly because for the past 15 years CBS has not had any primetime shows that didn’t start with the letters “CSI.”

Kobe Bryant says he has not made a decision yet as to when he will retire. It’s the one time in his career that he is actually going to pass.

Washington Nat’s GM Mike Rizzo says that Jonathan Papelbon’s behavior where he attacked a teammate was “unacceptable.” Although still not as bad as being a Major League pitcher and having a last name that sounds more like a French restaurant.

NASCAR driver Richard Petty is endorsing Ben Carson for President. It makes sense for racers to be Republicans as Carson’s campaign is going in circles Donald Trump has a checkered past and Chris Christie is always in the parking lot doing donuts.

LeBron James says there is “no time to waste” in the Cavs winning an NBA title. For starters, every team member will be taught how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver for when James gets the ball late in a close game.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart says he will retire after the 2016 season. Apparently his skills and temperament might be the perfect match to get him a job helping out on “Dog the Bounty Hunter.”

New York Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall says his failed lateral against the Eagles was “the worst play in history.” At least that makes one vote for something other than the Pete Carroll decision to pass on the final play of last year’s Super Bowl.

Scientists have discovered a sea turtle that glows in the dark. Apparently they found it in the water right next to the cooling towers at Three Mile Island.

Google says it is teaching self-driving cars to drive like humans. Which pretty much means giving them a cellphone to text with, getting them drunk before going out on the highway and giving them a middle finger to flash at other cars.

Major League Baseball has given the OK to use iPads in the dugout. Which will mean managers will be able to make for the new tradition the pre-game texting of the lineup to the umpires at home plate.

Google says it will map local air quality around California. Apparently they will determine which areas have the worst air pollution as the ones where nothing further than ten feet away can be seen on Street View.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump has announced his proposed tax plan. Which is pretty much based on his business model of spending other people’s money until you lose it all and declare bankruptcy. No taxes! Once again, Trump shows he has his finger on the pulse of the American Dream. Which hasn’t had a pulse since 1982. But then, neither has Dick Cheney and he made it all the way to Vice President so you never can tell. But no matter what your politics, the one thing you can do that makes a difference (at least to me) is to remember every day to make sure to always send the love!

No comments: