Sunday, September 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Simon Cowell says he took a genetic test that says he will live for another 40 years. At least as long as he doesn’t get in a car driven by Paula Abdul.

Simon Cowell says he took a genetic test that says he will live for another 40 years. Which proves the scientific theory that the “longevity” gene is intertwined with the “douchebag” gene.

Air India is proposing the longest non-stop flight that would be for 18 hours from Bengaluru to San Francisco. To which United Airlines says they already have much longer flights after which they corrected with “Oh, you mean while in the air.”

Caitlyn Jenner is now legally a woman according to a California court. Apparently it had to do with court filings, witness testimony and straight across trade with Rosie O’Donnell.

A murder trial in Texas has been put on hold after the judge ordered a shock belt be used on the defendant because of his behavior. Or as that is called in Texas, a preview of his sentence.

Mark Zuckerberg says he will help the U.N. bring the Internet to refugee camps. After which he will then try something even more difficult, bring the Internet to customers of AOL.

Mark Zuckerberg says he will help the U.N. bring the Internet to refugee camps. That would give refugees around the world the same opportunities to make their lives better through access to the Internet as all those Nigerian princes.

Bill Clinton addressed the coverage of Hillary’s e-mails by saying “never has so much been expended on so little.” Although it isn’t sure if that part was about the e-mails or the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told Mark Zuckerberg that Facebook is not doing enough to crack down on xenophobic outbursts. How bad have things gotten online when even the Germans are complaining about comments concerning racial inferiority?

Mark Zuckerberg says Internet access is the key to ending extreme poverty. Which by Zuckerberg’s status means anyone worth less than $20 Million.

Mark Zuckerberg says Internet access is the key to ending extreme poverty. Mostly by giving poor people around the world a chance to marry a wealthy widow after friending them on Facebook.

Mel Brooks says that if the Donald Trump presidential campaign goes bust it would “be the collapse of comedy.” Which means Brooks hasn’t been reading much about Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Ben Carson, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee...

Hyundai has recalled 470,000 Sonatas because of potential engine problems. Not only that, the revelation has caused GM to accuse the Korean carmaker of stealing their technology.

Arkansas has been ranked with the highest adult obesity rate in the nation at 36%. The real question is how can those people eat so much food when they have so few teeth to chew with?

Arkansas has been ranked with the highest adult obesity rate in the nation at 36%. To which Mississippi and Alabama are pledging to “wait til next year!”

Arkansas has been ranked with the highest adult obesity rate in the nation at 36%, followed by Mississippi and Louisiana. Or as the Chris Christie presidential campaign is calling that, the common bond that could help him carry the South.

A study says that Americans underestimate the value of a college degree. As opposed to those who graduated college and underestimated how long it would take them to pay off their tuition loans.

The U.S. and China have agreed to not engage in economic cyberespionage. Mostly because China doesn’t need to since they already have taken all our jobs, supply most of our manufactured goods and have us in debt to them for trillions of dollars in loans.

A study says that women often don’t get leadership positions at work because they don’t want them. Apparently women find it easier to marry the men who do have positions of power, then when they catch them cheating leave with half of everything they own.

A report says that Russia’s economy has fallen back into a recession. Which is still better than almost any time in their history since the Bolsheviks took over in 1917.

The pharmaceutical industry has hired a new lobbyist to defend the high prices of drugs. He will start his new position just after he finishes working on improving the image of Charles Manson, writes a glistening biography of Osama bin Laden and completes his plan to get more tourism into Iran.

The pharmaceutical industry has hired a new lobbyist to defend the high prices of drugs. Unfortunately, they couldn’t get the person they really wanted. Whomever is responsible for pushing Donald Trump up to number one in the political polls.

A study says that men who are pressured to be “manly” are more prone to violent behavior. In fact, some will even try to poke those questioning their masculinity in the eye with their tweezers when they are done plucking their eyebrows.

A study says that men who are pressured to be “manly” are more prone to violent behavior. Which means it could result in a nasty burn if the person’s masculinity is questioned while they are ironing their favorite pair of mom jeans.

A study says that bullied teens who exercise may have a lower risk of suicide. Unless they are being fat bullied because their only exercise is going back and forth between the refrigerator and couch.

An English woman who was vomiting 100 times a day has finally been cured. Mostly by getting her off her diet of eating English food.

An English woman who was vomiting 100 times a day has finally been cured. Apparently someone finally convinced her to change the channel when “The Kardashians” came on.

A study says that sleep apnea may raise the risk of depression. Mostly when all of their partners leave because they can’t get a good night’s sleep with all the constant snoring.

A survey says that Americans look first at prices when they are shopping for health insurance. Mostly out of curiosity just like they do when they shop for other things they can’t afford like a yacht, Mediterranean vacation home and 10 carat diamond ring.

A “draft Biden” movement is reportedly soliciting resumes for positions on a potential presidential campaign. Those applying will have to be ready for lots of 18 hour days. And that’s just when he is scheduled at an appearance to make a few short remarks.

The federal government has developed an app that can predict the “psychological status” of users with smart phones. Which for AT&T customers is usually anger and rage from having their tenth straight dropped call.

The federal government has developed an app that can predict the “psychological status” of users with smart phones. Which when it comes to anything the federal government has done usually causes people to feel extreme despair and depression.

Rapper Fetty Wap was hospitalized after a motorcycle accident in New Jersey. Ironically, “Fetty Wap” was exactly the sound that was made by his body flying through the air and slamming into an approaching car.

The Beatles’ 1962 contract with manager Brian Epstein is up for auction. The contract called for any of the members to be removed if two or four members wanted them out. That later became known as the “Yoko clause.”

The Beatles’ 1962 contract with manager Brian Epstein is up for auction. The contract called for any of the members to be removed if two or four members wanted them out. Which otherwise meant that George and Ringo had better suck up to John and Paul.

The NFL wants the league’s players to help fund a proposed new stadium in Los Angeles. To which most people are saying why don’t they do it the usual way and just stick the whole cost to the taxpayers?

The Hilton franchise was reportedly hacked with clients’ information compromised. Although security experts say the problem was that the Hilton data system was just slightly harder to get into than Paris’ panties.

A report says that Windows phones may include unlocking with facial recognition. Apparently the system will recognize the owner by the frown and sneer they make when repeatedly being unable to use their Windows phone to access the Internet.

A study says that global warming and evolution is reshaping the bodies of bumblebees. As opposed to humans who are reshaping their bodies with fast food, soft drinks and video games.

Canada has revoked the citizenship of a bomb plot organizer who is serving a life sentence in prison. Which is probably as significant as kicking a juvenile delinquent out of school and telling him he is also losing his library privileges.

John Boehner has announced he is resigning as Speaker of the House and as congressman at the end of October. With only half his term left to fill out the obvious replacement for Republicans has to be Sarah Palin.

John Boehner has announced he is resigning as Speaker of the House and as congressman at the end of October. Apparently he has always wanted to be off work for Halloween so he could celebrate as is by going as a Jack-O-Lantern.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he is worried about a GOP meltdown with John Boehner’s resignation. Although with Donald Trump the party’s frontrunner for President and Ben Carson, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul lurking close by, how much more of a meltdown is he talking about?

Senator Lindsey Graham says he is worried about a GOP meltdown with John Boehner’s resignation. How much more of a meltdown could there be than having a House Speaker who breaks down into tears during a statue unveiling?

John Boehner says he will resign as Speaker of the House and from Congress following his meeting with Pope Francis I. Which makes you wonder what he must have confessed to cause the Pope to tell him to clean out his desk.

A report says that John Boehner could cash in after leaving Congress by becoming a lobbyist. Not only that, but he also knows that he can get a lot more done in Congress than he could as a leader by walking around with a wheelbarrow full of cash.

“Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson says he is backing Donald Trump for President. Although it was a little embarrassing when he was introduced to Trump who asked if it would be alright to use some of his ZZ Top music at campaign appearances.

A poll says that a majority of Americans say that a third major political party is needed. Although most other people say they would be happy to have even one.

A poll says that a majority of Americans say that a third major political party is needed. Which is interesting because we can’t seem to come to a majority opinion on anything else while we have just two.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I was still able to crank out the jokes for you even though I spent most of the weekend at an Aikido martial arts seminar. I learned several new holds and techniques. But more than anything, I learned that I am getting too old to be involved in any martial arts. Although so far it is more for self preservation in having to be able to deal with a 16 year old daughter who has a brown belt in Karate. When it comes to all of you who read the blog every day, it all revolves around peaceful coexistence as all I ever ask is that you remember to make sure to send the love!

No comments: