Friday, September 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Caterpillar has announced massive layoffs and plant closures. Ironically, workers will be sent home where they will kill time by cocooning.

A poll says that 72% of Americans say the country isn’t as great as it once was. Although the other 28% say it’s still better than what it will look like once Donald Trump makes it into the White House.

A poll says that 72% of Americans say the country isn’t as great as it once was. Of course those are old people who start every sentence with “Back in my day...”

A study says that the flu virus develops in the roof of people’s mouths. Which means during the colder months it is actually a good thing when your tongue has a coat.

A study says that the flu virus develops in the roof of people’s mouths. Apparently one of the scientists noticed that when he opened his mouth, in flew Enza. (Man, that is going back for an old one!)

Three children were wounded in a drive by shooting at a taco stand in L.A. Although they are still in better shape than if they had eaten any of the food.

Condoleezza Rice says she has had her fill of politics. Which is an interesting thing for someone to say who never even ran in an election.

Condoleezza Rice says she has had her fill of politics. Although most people say since she was Secretary of State in the George W. Bush Administration, does that even count?

Russian scientists have reportedly developed a “cockroach” robot that can be used to spy. The good news is that the way to get rid of it is to just turn on a light.

A poll says that most people believe there is intelligent alien life elsewhere in the universe. To which Donald Trump says he agrees and that he is doing everything he can to keep them from coming into the U.S.

A study says that birds are migrating to Britain because the food there is better. Ironically, the quality of food is exactly the same reason the people are migrating out.

Paris will be car free on Sunday as a way to cut down on the city’s air pollution. The only problem for tourists is that they will want the smog back soon enough as it is the only thing masking the smell of the Parisians’ body odor.

Scientists say they can’t tell if bones found in a Florence grave are those of the model of the Mona Lisa. Although they believe that since there are only bones left that there is a good chance it was instead a super model.

Half of all Millennials say they will be able to cover the cost of college for their kids. The other half say they will be spending the next 40 years just trying to pay off their own tuition loans.

Volkswagen has tapped Porsche President Matthias Mueller to be their new CEO. People say he has a tough road ahead. Not in dealing with the emissions scandal, but in having to tell people he works for Volkswagen and not Porsche.

Outgoing Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn will be getting an exit package of $67 Million. Apparently his plan after the emissions scandal is to just take all his money and disappear in a cloud of black smoke.

Pope Francis I left out some prepared remarks in his speech to Congress, including a tough warning of the “corrosive influence of money on politics.” Apparently he knew most of his speech would upset one side of the aisle or the other, but talking about corruption would be a slap that would leave a red mark on everyone there.

Pope Francis I left out some prepared remarks in his speech to Congress, including a tough warning of the “corrosive influence of money on politics.” Apparently he didn’t want to say anything that would make the members of Congress lose their appetite when they went out later for a lobster dinner with their lobbyists.

A company is holding a contest to name the best public restroom in the country. Which after drinking a couple of six packs is usually the one that is closest.

A company is holding a contest to name the best public restroom in the country. So far the winner is any restroom that has been designated off limits to George Michael, Larry Craig and Caitlyn Jenner.

A company is holding a contest to name the best public restroom in the country. So far the best one hasn’t been determined, but the worst is any Taco Bell rest room where you are walking in as Chris Christie is walking out.

A poll says trust in the government on domestic affairs is at a new low of 38%. The good news is that is about 38% higher than trust in the government on the way it handles its foreign policies.

A poll says trust in the government on domestic affairs is at a new low of 38%. No one had any idea that 62% of Americans get their political information from Fox News.

A study says that one in ten pregnant women say they drink alcohol sometimes. The other nine usually wait until they really need it, mostly after their child becomes a teenager.

Some women have complained to the FDA about a birth control implant that causes chronic pain along with weight gain. To which doctors say the alternative is to become pregnant which results in weight gain followed by chronic pain.

The White House has started using behavioral economics to improve its policies. Although so far the only behavior credited to the administration’s economic policies is clinical depression.

The White House has started using behavioral economics to improve its policies. Although most people know behavioral economics as the criminal behavior of Wall Street executives that crashed the economy.

A study says that older adults’ hearing loss is tied to early death. Especially for people who are hard of hearing who like to take long walks along the railroad tracks.

A study says that older adults’ hearing loss is tied to early death. Mostly for the people who don’t hear someone shouting “Head’s up!”

A study says that most people don’t eat three square meals a day anymore. Mostly because they now eat just one meal that starts when they wake up and ends right before they go to bed.

A study says that most people don’t eat three square meals a day anymore. Which is too bad, because if they ate three square meals they probably wouldn’t be so round.

A study says that trying to guilt kids into exercising may not work. Neither does lecturing, bribing, pleading, coercing, demanding, persuading, arguing...

A study says there is no link between drinking coffee and having irregular heart beats. At least not until the monthly bill arrives from Starbucks.

A study says Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is the most iconic song ever. Apparently people are still glued to the radio when the song comes on for the beat, melody and still trying to figure out what Kurt Cobain is saying.

Steven Tyler says he needs to use a teleprompter during concerts. Not to say he is getting older, but it isn’t even so much for the lyrics as it is to make sure he remembers to take all his meds between songs.

The stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter has been arrested in connection with a bank robbery in Hawaii. The good news is that if he has to track her down at least it will be his own bail money he gets back.

R&B singer Usher has reportedly gotten married. It was the first wedding where the groom also had to be an Usher.

A couple who appeared as ghost hunters on the reality show “Ghost Adventures” were found dead in an apartment in Nevada. Apparently it was just another case of actors who took getting into character a little too far.

The Bay City Rollers have announced they have reunited and plan to tour. They say the concerts will be a huge event and will feature all of their hit song.

The Bay City Rollers have announced they have reunited and plan to tour. Their female fans will still be fainting, although instead of a result of being overcome by teenage hormones this time it will be from menopausal hot flashes.

Australia may take steps to prevent singer Chris Brown from entering the country. Which would be unfortunate as what better place for him to visit than a country that was started as a penal colony?

The father of Redskins quarterback RG3 will spend 10 days in jail for driving 115 miles an hour in Virginia. The judge explained the sentence in NFL terms, saying if you can’t outrun the competition you end up getting benched.

The EPA says Volkswagen was able to thwart emissions tests with software that told the cars to go into “clean mode” when it detected a test. Kind of like how men will go into clean mode and not break wind while on a first date.

A survey says that most young people think it is OK to use technology to track a lover. As opposed to older people who love the idea of being tracked with technology so someone can pick them up after they go for a drive and end up three states away.

North America has run out of IPv4 Internet addresses which were designed to accommodate up to 4.3 Billion websites. Which should have been enough but no one thought we would make it all the way up to 4.29 Billion Internet porn sites.

A rare supermoon eclipse will take place Sunday. Just to make sure it doesn’t come in any smaller than expected, a special detail of guards will be keeping their eyes on Tom Brady all night.

A rare supermoon eclipse will take place Sunday. It will be the biggest convergence of moons since Kim Kardashian was seen at a Jennifer Lopez concert.

Sprint is offering an iPhone for $1 a month. Which is great news for people on a budget who don’t mind using the same technology until it is paid off in 2065.

This month marks the 100th anniversary of a British man buying Stonehenge for about $12,000. He eventually turned it over to the public, but not before he also bought the Brooklyn Bridge, the Eiffel Tower and some swamp land in Florida.

A 9,000 year old skull was found in Brazil, which is said to be the oldest case of beheading in the New World. Which immediately caused the Department of Homeland Security to issue new warnings as they are calling it evidence that ISIS has been here since 7,000 B.C.

A study says there is no advanced alien life on any nearby galaxies. Which is no big deal since any life forms in the universe who intercept our broadcast signals of reality TV programming would pretty much be saying the same thing about us.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, but I am sure you didn’t need me to remind you about that. I hope you all have a good weekend after which we can all get together again right here for another attempt at humor by yours truly. I will be attending an Aikido seminar which will consist of people who know what they are doing twisting me up into knots while inflicting severe pain. Which I will be paying good money for the privilege. Go figure. Hopefully my hands will still be able to peck away at a keyboard on Monday so I can inflict a different kind of pain on all of you. In the meantime, I am just hoping you will take some time to think about my circumstances and remember to have some pity on me and above all make sure to send the love!

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